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Thread: Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

  1. #11
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    Random venting, but this definitely sparked feelings of betrayal and maybe some resentment, which probably isnít all that fair.

    Itís like part of me is still stuck in the mindset of wanting this to be a relationship, even though most of me is thankful itís not and realized I wasnít ready like I thought I was.

    But this small, relationship part of me is a little resentful that Iím going along with what he wanted (even though I logically fully realize this is whatís best and what I actually want at this point-otherwise Iíd be coming here saying all of this about a boyfriend and not just someone Iím dating) and heís still not holding to it.

    Also, his insistence that he had to work through things to get to a place where he could give me what I wanted and he wasnít even using the dating sites and didnít want to meet anyone else. If that changes, by all means tell me, but otherwise Iím going based on that. Granted I havenít seen any effort to work through things and Iím beginning to believe it was just a bandaid statement, but, and I kinda feel ashamed to admit this, a snarky side of me is thinking ďyou owe it to me to let me know if your stance has changed, otherwise, Swiper no swipingĒ.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    To be completely fair AKN, you insisted on believing you were in a relationship without the labels, he never said those words to you, infact i remember quite well that multiple people including blue said itís probably best to just accept the situation and him as he was or walk away.

    While he completely sugar coated the truth he told you what you needed to make an informed decision, he is not in a relationship with you and Iíd bet a shiny quarter if you confront him like Ďcaught youí his rebuttal can easily be, ĎI never said we were in a relationship.í

    Does that excuse him reopening the dating sites, no of course not, Iíd be livid, but AKN long distance with no labels... Your red flag meter isnít off, I think you just kept moving the goal post.

    definitely donít confront, give yourself some time. If you still want to go, GO, if not donít, either decision do whatís best for you, but you have got to accept what heís showing and telling you, not what ifís, not well maybes, you either accept it or you donít.

    Iím sorry this new revelation happened.
    Thank you FIO. I didnít mean to portray it like thought we were in an official relationship, thatís just the best way I could describe it via this forum.

    I did/do accept this situation as we had outlined it-which was NOT using the apps, NOT pursuing others and definitely not having intercourse with others. Those parameters were made very clear to my knowledge. Which essentially to me sounds like all the parameters of a RL (hence why thatís how I describe it on here)

    Anecdote: we were watching some movie a few weeks ago, where the gf was cheating on the bf and he made an off hand comment like ďjust let me know if thatís something you want to do. Donít just go do itĒ as in ďlet me know if youíre over this, donít just go behind my backĒ. Maybe I read too far into it, but I took it as ďokay, there would be a formal Ďendí of sortsĒ.

    I appreciate your perspective and probably wonít go the ďcaught youĒ/confrontation route.

    Strange that heís aware this would hurt me and he was so afraid of disappointing me.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I watch a lot of trashy TV, itís a dirty little secret of mine, but it can be beneficial, really you learn a lot of what not to doís.

    One big one is women on talk shows catching their partners cheating and they always say what youíre saying ďif you donít want what I want just tell me!Ē Or ďif he doesnít want to be in a relationship with me why doesnít he just say it?

    I always saw it as removing any responsibility to themselves. Well even though he wonít commit, well even though I keep catching him on dating sites, even though he wonít give me a straight answer. If he didnít want to be with me he should just say it...

    I donít know why you keep trying to convince yourself you donít want a commitment with this guy, if you didnít none of this would bother you. Like blue said youíre setting arbitrary rules. I think because you believe itís good enough and will soothe you, I really and truly think you checked and saw it yourself, I think that because these standards set probably didnít do enough to make you feel secure, so you have to keep checking to give you temporary peace. If Iím wrong Iím wrong I only say this because Iíve done it, Iíve seen friends do it, I see the women on TV do it with the sexy decoys. At the end of the day lets say you didnít catch him, heís still long distance with no labels, most couldnít do it, itís ok if you fall into that category.

    You keep insisting youíre the cool chick whoís anti commitment. Commitment isnít a bad word and a women wanting one and standing by it and dating with intentions isnít clingy or needy or desperate, being a commitmentphibe isnít cute or trendy, I realize a few on your other post made it seem like there was something wrong with you for wanting to know where you stood, itís a vicious stereotype, you think every woman whoís in a relationship waited out a dude who Ďneeded timeí? Remember the book Ďheís just not that into youí It was a phenomenon because so many women fall for this bull crap that you have to pretend you donít have standards to keep a man interested. Again a woman wanting a commitment isnt a negative, sheís someone strong whoís not going to put up with games.

    /rant.

    Iím not saying this to be harsh to you, Iím saying it because youíre going to be miserable if you keep attempting to convince yourself this is all ok with you, it either is or it isnít and quite frankly I donít think it is and thatís ok! If it is, you accept it all, I truly donít think theres an inbetween.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 02-07-2019 at 11:48 PM.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I watch a lot of trashy TV, itís a dirty little secret of mine, but it can be beneficial, really you learn a lot of what not to doís.

    One big one is women on talk shows catching their partners cheating and they always say what youíre saying ďif you donít want what I want just tell me!Ē Or ďif he doesnít want to be in a relationship with me why doesnít he just say it?

    I always saw it as removing any responsibility to themselves. Well even though he wonít commit, well even though I keep catching him on dating sites, even though he wonít give me a straight answer. If he didnít want to be with me he should just say it...

    I donít know why you keep trying to convince yourself you donít want a commitment with this guy, if you didnít none of this would bother you. Like blue said youíre setting arbitrary rules because you believe itís good enough and will soothe you, if itís not good enough itís not good enough. At the end of the day lets say you didnít catch him, heís still long distance with no labels, most couldnít do it, itís ok if you fall into that category.

    You keep insisting youíre the cool chick whoís anti commitment. Commitment isnít a bad word and a women wanting one and standing by it and dating with intentions isnít clingy or needy or desperate, being a commitmentphibe isnít cute or trendy, I realize a few on your other post made it seem like there was something wrong with you for wanting to know where you stood, itís a vicious stereotype, you think every woman whoís in a relationship waited out a dude who Ďneeded timeí? Remember the book Ďheís just not that into youí It was a phenomenon because so many women fall for this bull crap that you have to pretend you donít have standards to keep a man interested. Again a woman wanting a commitment isnt a negative, sheís someone strong whoís not going to put up with games.

    Iím not saying this to be harsh to you, Iím saying it because youíre going to be miserable if you keep attempting to convince yourself his is all ok with you, it either is or it isnít and quite frankly I donít think it is and thatís ok! If it is, you accept it all, I truly donít think theres an inbetween.
    Haha I canít say I watch much trashy TV, but I trust that youíre spot on with their comments.

    I totally get where youíre coming from and I can appreciate how it looks like Iím moving goal posts trying to convince myself otherwise. I fully own up to maybe moving things a bit as I figured it out.

    Ultimately (like big picture) I want commitment (as in a committed LTR) that I know, but in that vague, I canít tell what he looks like way. This guy I DID want commitment (LTR, bf/gf etc) at the beginning (he passed all my markers with FLYING colors) and I was like ďyes, this is itĒ.

    Him slowing my roll for lack of a better term definitely stung, but all of a sudden these thoughts of ďokay is he DEFINITELY right for me long term? Especially if HE isnít into it yet?Ē At that time I thought ďno harm, were not ~official, but were not dating others and were not looking and we are sexually exclusive and dating exclusiveĒ, which I mean, is really what I want out of a ďcommitted relationshipĒ anyway. (This was after much grappling on here because the notion of that still seemed like it was just missing the ďofficial labelĒ I couldnít understand why anyone would ďgive upĒ the ability to date others and not want the ability to call someone their girlfriend/boyfriend) I did learn all about the gray area between though and Iím thankful for that!

    At the time everything was AMAZING- I mean I was getting everything I would have ~expected from a relationship so I was willing to give him some time and space to figure it out or to just carry on as long as it was working for me.

    I promise Iím really not that cool chick, Iím chill as in convos like this donít have to be wrought with fear, but I know what I want-I just became unsure of whether I wanted ďitĒ with him because really I didnít know everything yet.

    Maybe itís just because time has passed and Iím more ~attached I started to become hyper aware or because things felt like they should be progressing as they had been and they werenít.

    He has a habit of ďbreadcrummingĒ info. Idk if thatís the right term for it, but in the three months heís given up just enough info about some things that one would think youíd find out on the first date or through early texting. Honestly, things that had I known up front I wouldnít have even met him, but because they came out so sporadically itís like ďoh okay, good to knowĒ.

    Again all things Iím just finding out now, which makes me glad I didnít dive into that LTR I wanted with him. In general though we have had enough fun and Iíve still really enjoyed being with him, I just became more okay with the fact that he might not be my future husband.

    Itís still been a very safe space between us though, until this dating app thing. That feels like violated trust. I never thought Iíd be the one to say this, but even though itís not a conventional relationship, whatever we have still had defined boundaries that I was aware of, which makes me not okay that he crossed them.

    Not harsh at all! I feel like Iím not the best at explaining myself. Also literally every 15 minutes my mood/feelings on the subject change: from crying, to standing up for myself, to being compassionate towards him, to anger, to annoyance, etc

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I hear ya, and I can appreciate your stance, at the same time as lightly as you drew that line in the sand he crossed it. So do you draw another line, build a wall, or say screw the lines and keep going knowing what you know.

    Take time to think about it. Donít choose out if fear of losing him.

    Never forget youíre a prize too, itís a mutual journey.

  7. #16
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    Sorry this happened, akrngrl.

    Iíve been kinda keeping up with your threads regarding this guy, and, I have to ask...why would you feel any compassion towards him?

    Iíll admit, when I read your original post about what happened, I got a bit miffed on your behalf.

    When you speak with him about this, I really hope he doesnít use the ďwe werenít in an exclusive relationshipĒ cr*p, because didnít you both agree to hide the apps and that you were only seeing each other?

    I mean, you even took sleeping together off the table until you established this agreement with each other, right?

    I donít know...I just canít see how you can feel any compassion for this guy when he knows full well what heís doing.

    I know your emotions are all over the place right now since itís all pretty raw, but I just donít want you to lose sight of the deceit.

    And, wouldnít he clue-in that you could be looking at the app and see he was active? Was this not how you raised this issue with him last time when you noticed that he appeared to still be using it? (*Just really thinking out loud here in terms of this last point. It boggles the mind*).

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    For lack of a better term we have been a couple without the title.
    Speaking only for myself, this wouldn't be good enough for me in the first place. I'm relationship material, and I'm not interested in playing around at anything less. Either someone is all-in with me, or we're just dating and not even sexual yet. In between is messy kid stuff.

    I'd phone him, tell him things are off for me because I saw his profile reactivated, and I'd wish him the best.

    Boom. Done. Not gonna play.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by milly007
    Sorry this happened, akrngrl.

    Iíve been kinda keeping up with your threads regarding this guy, and, I have to ask...why would you feel any compassion towards him?

    Iíll admit, when I read your original post about what happened, I got a bit miffed on your behalf.

    When you speak with him about this, I really hope he doesnít use the ďwe werenít in an exclusive relationshipĒ cr*p, because didnít you both agree to hide the apps and that you were only seeing each other?

    I mean, you even took sleeping together off the table until you established this agreement with each other, right?

    I donít know...I just canít see how you can feel any compassion for this guy when he knows full well what heís doing.

    I know your emotions are all over the place right now since itís all pretty raw, but I just donít want you to lose sight of the deceit.

    And, wouldnít he clue-in that you could be looking at the app and see he was active? Was this not how you raised this issue with him last time when you noticed that he appeared to still be using it? (*Just really thinking out loud here in terms of this last point. It boggles the mind*).
    Hey Milly!

    I wish I knew why I wasnít like ďBOOM DONEĒ, I really really do. I think some part of me somewhere wants to hear him out/wants to call him on his ish in person (and by call him on his ish I mean use bluecastles phrasing lol).

    Trust me, Iíve been wrestling with this whole ďweekend away with himĒ or just calling it off. My friends want me to go because I was so excited, theyíre on my side though so it was more like ďhave fun, spend his money (on the game tickets/dinner) and think about you for onceĒ. They were trying to cheer me up with the spending his money bit I think lol.

    Also for SOME dumb reason, Iím like ďitís been three months ,your end of the bargain was to let him know if things changedĒ and for whatever reason ghosting, or breaking up via text/phone just seems cowardly to me. I can appreciate though that this is because Iím not the one that did something haha.

    Iím sure heís NOT doing this, but in my head I keep imagining him being some conniving, manipulative person that thinks heís getting away with something and not that Iíd ever go crazy on him, but being that the mature thing to do is do it face to face Iím kinda like ďwhy give him the satisfaction of a text when he can just go on with his life-let him sit and be uncomfortable with me there even for just a second after all the upheaval this has caused meĒ. Thatís probably really low to think and logical advice says ďheís not worth itĒ, but I think Iíd almost feel better? Half the flair/jokes we had and bonded over were how I could be a firecracker, let him see some of the sparks so to speak (again ďsparksĒ being me laying it out there...not like keying his car or anything like that).

    We did! I mean he was the one this whole time that said he wasnít using the apps. I did! Until we agreed to continue as we had been and that was two weeks ago!

    Like dude, you couldnít even make it SEVEN days without needing to be swiping after over a month of being off? And the funny thing is this almost seemed better because were going to be together on weekends rather than weeknights (I was v interested to see if heíd give me his weekends bc when he was here he almost always had other plans).

    Oh trust me, Iím thinking the same thing you are about the last bit- and he always said he seriously dated people that he met (unless that was a lie) so further Iím like WHO do you think youíre going to meet for three weeks while you also are trying to see me before you leave? I mean that both a lil snarky and literally, like your program has you swamped soooooo are you just looking for validation? An ego boost? Are you seriously trying to squeeze another unsuspecting woman into this equation?

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I hear ya, and I can appreciate your stance, at the same time as lightly as you drew that line in the sand he crossed it. So do you draw another line, build a wall, or say screw the lines and keep going knowing what you know.

    Take time to think about it. Donít choose out if fear of losing him.

    Never forget youíre a prize too, itís a mutual journey.
    Thank you FIO!

    I always joke that Iím the whole dang prize machine, though now I kind of feel like that junky broken prize wedged at the bottom haha.

    He definitely crossed it and Iím definitely trying to separate myself from all the things we built up about this summer and this month even that we were looking forward to.

    I think the biggest hurdle was watching his location move on the app as a cute/lovey text from him came in.

    Iím also grumpy because it took me forever to try and extract change in text habits from direct correlation of feelings and now Iím like ďWelp this doesnít support that argumentĒ haha.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Speaking only for myself, this wouldn't be good enough for me in the first place. I'm relationship material, and I'm not interested in playing around at anything less. Either someone is all-in with me, or we're just dating and not even sexual yet. In between is messy kid stuff.

    I'd phone him, tell him things are off for me because I saw his profile reactivated, and I'd wish him the best.

    Boom. Done. Not gonna play.
    I can definitely appreciate that catfeeder. I think I used to be like that.

    All the stuff Iíve been coming across since I asked to be official though makes me relieved he didnít agree. Even if it wasnít necessarily outright dealbreaker material, itís a stark contrast from who I thought he was the first two months.

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