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Thread: Girlfriend is talking about living separately

  1. #1
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    Girlfriend is talking about living separately

    Me and my girlfriend of four years have been living together for one year. It hasn't always been easy, in fact we have argued quite a bit...normally because I would misinterpret her as being "critical" and then she would get mad. I have yelled at her and said things that I shouldn't have said, but even after times like that, she acts like she loves me and we go on as a regular couple.

    I have OCD and in December I was diagnosed with Melanoma. Needless to say, I was very scared about what was going to happen. I had surgery and got clear margins but I couldn't help to keep reading about things on the internet and I would tell her how scared I am. This would upset her and she would say I am being negative and she can't deal with it.

    Right before I was diagnosed, she had surgery for her fibroid and she claims I "wasn't there" for her because I was always on my phone reading about my biopsy (this was before I got diagnosed). I don't understand because I took two days off from work while she was in the hospital. She was barely coherent and was in bed. Yes, I got on my phone, but I was there to help her go to the bathroom and talk to her when she was able to. She still claims I wasn't "mentally present."

    So we are still very affectionate, but she has said things like she wants to not renew the lease (which we have to give notice this month) and wants to live apart. She said she needs to feel emotionally safe and claims that things I have said in the past have really hurt her, but she still continues to kiss me and be affectionate. She say's she loves me, but she needs to see that things change. I guess I'll mention that she also say's she doesn't want me to date anyone. She even makes jokes about how I better not run off with someone, etc.

    I know that she is very stressed by her job and she really doesn't know what she wants to do anymore.

    I am just so hurt and filled with anxiety. I can't deal with the stress of moving and being alone right now. I don't know what to do. I guess I have to take her at her word. Any help or advice is appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear all this is happening. It seems it's been turbulent all along and moving in was under less than auspicious circumstances. It's probably best that you don't live together.
    Originally Posted by Orbital
    03-20-2017:

    My girlfriend of 2 years has stopped talking to me after I basically told her that I was nervous about moving in. I just freaked out because I am so used to living alone and I had a bad experience before living with another girlfriend who ended up cheating on me.



    She was so mad about this moving in situation because she had already told her apartment that she would not re-new her lease as she was under the impression that we were going to get a place. I told her I was nervous and asked if she could re-new her lease. I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I have a hard time making decisions. So, she gets furious.

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    We both have issues, I understand that. But we both love each other too. I mean, just this morning she is all over me and kissing me. I just don't understand.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    You never once said in your post that you love her. Just that you don't want to be alone and that moving is stressful. If you love her and have not just gotten used to having a warm body around, then I suggest you two get into couples counseling if you want to have a successful lifetime partnership. At the very least, you both can read together books on how to communicate effectively with each other, and put what you learn into practice.

    Perhaps if you both achieve those skills, you can give living together a try again in the future.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You have been together for four years. What are your longterm goals as a couple? Are you interested in marriage and kids? What you describe is a form moving one step back and it may indicate that you are not compatible to move forward in the long-term. Cohabiting with you sounds stressful. Yelling is a form of abuse and it's not ok even if the other person keeps forgiving you. Sometimes all the little hurts accumulate and BAM it's over and you are left wondering what happened. Imo, it sounds like you may be incompatible when it comes to cohabitation.

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    Yes, I love her very much. I haven't yelled that often. It's been a few times and it was a while back. I know I have made mistakes and I will do whatever I have to make things right. I don't see how she can be completely done with me. She just came in my office to kiss me and hold my hand for a while.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    She is not necessarily completely done with you but your relationship sounds in trouble. You two need to work on finding healthier ways to communicate.

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    Originally Posted by Clio
    She is not necessarily completely done with you but your relationship sounds in trouble. You two need to work on finding healthier ways to communicate.

    Well, right now I am just working on being as selfless as possible. I have been there for her the last two weeks and very supportive of things going on with her. We're planning a Valentine's Day weekend now.

    I'm just not able to bring up the lease because I know she will still say we need to live separately and I honestly just don't understand. I feel like we should work on things while we live together.

    Yes, we have gone to a counselor a few times and the counselor even said she understood her reasoning.

    I just want to make things right with her and I feel like we are moving in that direction and it will just take time. She even said last week that it would take time. This Saturday we are doing some volunteer work together and basically just trying to spend as much time together as possible.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It's good that you are trying but it sounds like you still haven't figured out what you are doing that is hurting the relationship therefore you risk reverting to the old situation if she were to come back. What was the reasoning she gave to the counsellor?

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    I think moving out is likely to be the beginning of the end for you two.

    After 4 years, taking a giant step backwards in a relationship is not a good sign. I can understand that she is having major reservations about your relationship and wants breathing room. It's the fact that she feels you two cannot possibly make it work while under the same roof that is very troubling. I don't necessarily think she has malicious intentions, but she clearly is just not emotionally invested the way she once was. That's why she can still cozy up to you while planning to take a lot of time and space away from you; for her, it's not as emotionally taxing as it is for you.

    Living apart is going to create a lot of grey area that will likely only serve to complicate matters. For example, would you two still communicate regularly? How often would you see each other? How are you going to take steps - as a couple - that will restore your relationship if you are essentially regressing in terms of commitment and closeness? What happens if you see that she is continuing to pull away?

    You can't stop her from going. But you need to decide for yourself if you can reasonably continue dating her within much more casual parameters.

    EDIT: Just took a look at your posting history. It's interesting that almost exactly 2 years ago, you were here posting about how she ended it with you because you weren't ready to move in. [Register to see the link] Your relationship seems to have gone through a few ups and downs about living together, no?

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