Girlfriend is talking about living separately

Me and my girlfriend of four years have been living together for one year. It hasn't always been easy, in fact we have argued quite a bit...normally because I would misinterpret her as being "critical" and then she would get mad. I have yelled at her and said things that I shouldn't have said, but even after times like that, she acts like she loves me and we go on as a regular couple.

I have OCD and in December I was diagnosed with Melanoma. Needless to say, I was very scared about what was going to happen. I had surgery and got clear margins but I couldn't help to keep reading about things on the internet and I would tell her how scared I am. This would upset her and she would say I am being negative and she can't deal with it.

Right before I was diagnosed, she had surgery for her fibroid and she claims I "wasn't there" for her because I was always on my phone reading about my biopsy (this was before I got diagnosed). I don't understand because I took two days off from work while she was in the hospital. She was barely coherent and was in bed. Yes, I got on my phone, but I was there to help her go to the bathroom and talk to her when she was able to. She still claims I wasn't "mentally present."

So we are still very affectionate, but she has said things like she wants to not renew the lease (which we have to give notice this month) and wants to live apart. She said she needs to feel emotionally safe and claims that things I have said in the past have really hurt her, but she still continues to kiss me and be affectionate. She say's she loves me, but she needs to see that things change. I guess I'll mention that she also say's she doesn't want me to date anyone. She even makes jokes about how I better not run off with someone, etc.

I know that she is very stressed by her job and she really doesn't know what she wants to do anymore.

I am just so hurt and filled with anxiety. I can't deal with the stress of moving and being alone right now. I don't know what to do. I guess I have to take her at her word. Any help or advice is appreciated.

Sorry to hear all this is happening. It seems it's been turbulent all along and moving in was under less than auspicious circumstances. It's probably best that you don't live together.

03-20-2017:

 

My girlfriend of 2 years has stopped talking to me after I basically told her that I was nervous about moving in. I just freaked out because I am so used to living alone and I had a bad experience before living with another girlfriend who ended up cheating on me.

 

 

 

She was so mad about this moving in situation because she had already told her apartment that she would not re-new her lease as she was under the impression that we were going to get a place. I told her I was nervous and asked if she could re-new her lease. I know this sounds bad, but sometimes I have a hard time making decisions. So, she gets furious.

We both have issues, I understand that. But we both love each other too. I mean, just this morning she is all over me and kissing me. I just don't understand.

You never once said in your post that you love her. Just that you don't want to be alone and that moving is stressful. If you love her and have not just gotten used to having a warm body around, then I suggest you two get into couples counseling if you want to have a successful lifetime partnership. At the very least, you both can read together books on how to communicate effectively with each other, and put what you learn into practice.

Perhaps if you both achieve those skills, you can give living together a try again in the future.

You have been together for four years. What are your longterm goals as a couple? Are you interested in marriage and kids? What you describe is a form moving one step back and it may indicate that you are not compatible to move forward in the long-term. Cohabiting with you sounds stressful. Yelling is a form of abuse and it's not ok even if the other person keeps forgiving you. Sometimes all the little hurts accumulate and BAM it's over and you are left wondering what happened. Imo, it sounds like you may be incompatible when it comes to cohabitation.

Yes, I love her very much. I haven't yelled that often. It's been a few times and it was a while back. I know I have made mistakes and I will do whatever I have to make things right. I don't see how she can be completely done with me. She just came in my office to kiss me and hold my hand for a while.

She is not necessarily completely done with you but your relationship sounds in trouble. You two need to work on finding healthier ways to communicate.

She is not necessarily completely done with you but your relationship sounds in trouble. You two need to work on finding healthier ways to communicate.

Well, right now I am just working on being as selfless as possible. I have been there for her the last two weeks and very supportive of things going on with her. We're planning a Valentine's Day weekend now.

I'm just not able to bring up the lease because I know she will still say we need to live separately and I honestly just don't understand. I feel like we should work on things while we live together.

Yes, we have gone to a counselor a few times and the counselor even said she understood her reasoning.

I just want to make things right with her and I feel like we are moving in that direction and it will just take time. She even said last week that it would take time. This Saturday we are doing some volunteer work together and basically just trying to spend as much time together as possible.

It's good that you are trying but it sounds like you still haven't figured out what you are doing that is hurting the relationship therefore you risk reverting to the old situation if she were to come back. What was the reasoning she gave to the counsellor?

I think moving out is likely to be the beginning of the end for you two.

After 4 years, taking a giant step backwards in a relationship is not a good sign. I can understand that she is having major reservations about your relationship and wants breathing room. It's the fact that she feels you two cannot possibly make it work while under the same roof that is very troubling. I don't necessarily think she has malicious intentions, but she clearly is just not emotionally invested the way she once was. That's why she can still cozy up to you while planning to take a lot of time and space away from you; for her, it's not as emotionally taxing as it is for you.

Living apart is going to create a lot of grey area that will likely only serve to complicate matters. For example, would you two still communicate regularly? How often would you see each other? How are you going to take steps - as a couple - that will restore your relationship if you are essentially regressing in terms of commitment and closeness? What happens if you see that she is continuing to pull away?

You can't stop her from going. But you need to decide for yourself if you can reasonably continue dating her within much more casual parameters.

EDIT: Just took a look at your posting history. It's interesting that almost exactly 2 years ago, you were here posting about how she ended it with you because you weren't ready to move in. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531533 Your relationship seems to have gone through a few ups and downs about living together, no?

Right before I was diagnosed, she had surgery for her fibroid and she claims I "wasn't there" for her because I was always on my phone reading about my biopsy (this was before I got diagnosed). I don't understand because I took two days off from work while she was in the hospital. She was barely coherent and was in bed. Yes, I got on my phone, but I was there to help her go to the bathroom and talk to her when she was able to. She still claims I wasn't "mentally present."

Honestly, I think you are both communicating in two different languages. You showed your support the way in which you thought was appropriate. But she was needing support differently. Simplifying it, for you "being there" means one thing and for her it means another.

What are your love languages? I would recommend you read about it and take the test. (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/)

Loving one another is not enough, you have to two healthy people to make a happy life. Nothing good comes from staying in a relationship because you can't cope with being alone. A relationship cannot heal you, nor can a partner, you have to overcome your anxiety and neediness. Her claim that you should live apart and not date anyone else sends a confusing and controlling message and doesn't make much sense. That and her accusation that you were not there for her adequately when she was hospitalized are only feeding your anxiety and eroding your self esteem. It doesn't sound like you two are a happy couple, why stick with it? Get yourself strong and healthy mentally and learn how to cope with the challenges life surely brings. Once you have an emotionally healthy individual, you can part half of a happy couple by finding a relationship that provides positive reinforcement rather than one that brings you further down.

There's no way I'd continue to live with someone who's not all-in. I wouldn't psyche myself into dramatizing the worst, but I'd certainly give GF the distance to figure out where she wants to stand going forward--and without applying pressure or influence. I'd find a small place for myself that's affordable, and I'd keep my dignity while moving out cleanly.

Yes, absolutely work on being more selfless. I think that is your BEST move. She seems to have that for you from what I can gather, and it should most definitely be reciprocated. If you two decide to live apart and get some space from each other, it may not be a bad thing at all. You’ve both been stressed by health issues, so I can see how that could make things difficult. She got sick first, and you were worried about yourself at the same time. She was just as scared about her condition as you were yours. But the fact of the matter is that you are the man, and sometimes you have to stand up and be exactly that so that your woman feels safe and protected.

I think she just needs some space right now and might even be concerned about any kind of codependency that could be developing in your relationship. If that’s the case, I feel she is super smart for recognizing and acting on it.

Now, Coming into your office kissing you and holding your hand, that’s just priceless. Actions speak louder than words. From here on out, Make Dam sure you do the same kinds of things for her regardless if you continue to live together or not. If she does move out, I kinda think it would light a fire under your butt to look at what she truly wants and expects from you. So not a bad thing, maybe you need that time to check yourself. No offense.

Be open in thinking that this move could bring you two closer together, and may even be necessary in establishing an ultimate trustable understanding to be valued for your future together. Good chance with some space between you, you will be able to look back at your past arguments when you were living together and realize just how petty some of them were. Or recognize your differences and then be able to deal with them rationally and as partners.

Sometimes change is necessary to switch things up so that they don’t continue as unhealthy routine. Don’t think of this as a break up, but more like a time out to make things right. You maybe at a turning point right now but for some reason I can see some good things coming out of this for the both of you. She loves you dude! I say give it a chance and stay positive through the duration. Sure, you’ll miss her not being there all the time. But when you do see her, it’s going to start feeling way different.