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Thread: Need Genuine Advice....

  1. #1

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    Need Genuine Advice....

    Hello all, this is going to be a lonnngg post.

    I have been in a relationship for 8 years now. And I love my man to death. We have been through so many ups and downs, just like any couple. When we first start dating of course we where in the honey moon phase so things where perfect. Fast forward to me going off to college, the dynamic of our relationship changed. He became really disrespectful verbally. And basically toon me thru Hell the whole 5yrs. So, I expressed me feelings and hurt towards the entire time, he understood and he changed. True enough we still have arguments but the disrespect has went from 10 to 2. I say that Because Iím not perfect. I have a mouth on me as well, but itís gotten MUCH MUCH MUCH better in that department. My mom and dad are basically my best friends so during the disrespect, I would go to them for advice. (Biggest mistake ever). my parents donít care for him as much as they did before bc of the things that has been said in the past. . Me and my bf have moved past it but they havnt. Anyways, he hasnít been without a job since April. I have been the bread winner. We donít live together but Iím always at his house. So Iím never at home. (Which is another thing my parents hate) Iím always going back and forth from his house to mine. Iím legit at home for a sec. to get more clothes. Iím also getting his hair cut, throwing him money, taking his sister to practice, Supllying money for habits like drinking on the weekend etc.. basically taking care of him and myself. Iíve been doing this all since April. Iím getting tired. Iím trying to hold him down til he come up. Iím trying not to ooose faith in us. I really donít want to let go of something thats soooo comfortable to me just because he is out of work right now. Iíve always known him to work, I know itís been since April but it feels like foreverrrrrrr. Now He does cook for me every night, makes sure my car is good, oil levels, tires etc. he gets up with me early n the morning and packs my lunch, walks me to the car etc. He has many characteristics that I love. We are pretty much inseparable, But Iím scared he has lost all motivation to work. He talks a goooood. He goals, dreams and aspirations all sound really good. But I see no effort into getting there. Iím getting to a point where Iím tired of bringing it up everyday. Like ohhh, when are you going to get on indeed or have you called anybody to check on ur apps yet ? Because mind you, I took it upon myself to make him a indeed acct and I do apps for him. He swears that I shouldnít worry and he has everything under control and he says his day is going to come. Heís going to start saving and weíre gking to get where we want to me blah blah blah etc etc. But when the dust settles Iím still putting in all of these applications and IF he gets a interview Iím taking him. Oh and he has NO FAMILY SUPPORT, I AM HIS SUPPORT. Itís really sad how messed up his family is, but thatís another day another topic. Finally, My question is, should I just stick it out and keep hoping he will get a job and trust his word or just leave because him Iím wasting my time.

    Iím so confused bc he has had a couple of interviews that had seemed promising but, they never call back. And he does (most of the time) call the jobs that I apply him for but they say they will call him and wonít. Itís like no job is calling him back for a interview or to start working.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You are enabling him to continue being lazy and unmotivated by basically doing everything for him except wiping his a$$. I mean it's one thing to support someone when they are in a tough spot... it's another thing entirely when you have been doing so for almost a year.

    It says a lot about his character that he would take advantage of your kindness for this long without putting any effort into changing his life. This will go on indefinitely unless you set some sort of boundary.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. I can only hope you are trolling and well know why your parents dislike him.
    Originally Posted by Miller25
    -my parents donít care for him

    -He became really disrespectful verbally.

    -I have been the bread winner.

    -Iím also getting his hair cut, throwing him money, taking his sister to practice, Supllying money for habits like drinking on the weekend etc.. basically taking care of him and myself.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 02-07-2019 at 12:19 PM.

  4. #4
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    You sound fairly young. Donít worry. I think most of us have been there at some point or another and learned the hard way.

    Lessons Iíve taken from my own past:

    1) When venting to friends and family about your relationship, understand that they have a MUCH longer memory than you and will be less forgiving. This is true across the board. People have a tendency to vent about everything and Ďedití what they gush about... and they only ever hear one side of the story... so they get a skewed version of reality. While itís good to have friends and family to vent to - itís important IMO to be conscious of the impacts of this. They wonít forgive him like you would.

    2) There is a fine line between helping and enabling. Helping is doing things that they arenít in a position to do themselves. Enabling is doing things that they should be doing for themselves and/or shielding them from the pain or impacts of their own actions.

    Helping:
    - paying for a hair cut if he canít afford it and has an interview lined up
    - giving his sister a lift somewhere if sheís stuck
    - going on inexpensive dates and/or picking up the tab for some dates for a period of time (with much less frequency than before)

    Enabling:
    - giving him drinking money for the weekend (if he wants drinking money, he should get a job)
    - ďthrowingĒ him money
    - applying for jobs for him (thatís HIS job)
    - signing him up for indeed
    - nagging him to check on his apps

    Those are all HIS responsibility. In no way should you being doing those things for him or trying to ďmotherĒ him in that way. If he chooses not to get a job or to dilly-dally or feels the pain - those are HIS things. In general, people need to feel the pain in order to change.

    Personally, I think you should start by drawing appropriate boundaries. Stop doing things for him that you have no business doing and observe. You canít change someone who does not want to change.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: Look up "codependent enabling" and then come back in and tell us what you learned about yourself.

    Maybe start by clicking on the link below and google to learn more about it.

    [Register to see the link]

  7. #6

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    Thanks so much for the advice.

  8. #7

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    Thanks so much.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Does he have any physical or mental issues that make it difficult for him to work?

  10. #9

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    Yes, he got hit by a car when he was a kid so one of his legs is slightly longer than the other. Nothing too noticeable though. But it does cause him pain when he works a lot.

  11. #10
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    Do you want A BF who is not adequately motivated in your opinion to be a problem solver? Unemployment is a problem in life that requires attention and resolution which takes effort and action. You are the one taking this action for this guy, setting up an account on indeed and even doing apps for him, taking him to interviews and being his support through it all.

    If you end the relationship it is not because he doesn't have a job right now. It is because you are looking for a responsible partner who shows you he can weather the storms life is sure to bring. He is showing you he cannot. I would tell him you are looking for a partner who is financially viable and that he should call you when he is in a position to be that partner, then go home and carry on with your life, that call may never come so don't wait for it.

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