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Thread: Dealing with frustration from dating a boy who is different from me

  1. #1

    Dealing with frustration from dating a boy who is different from me

    I don't even know how to describe this situation. I'm dating a guy who is like the opposite to my way of life and I feel frustration from time to time.

    He is a very laid-back guy doing odd jobs over the years - cleaning and baby-sitting. He is about to start a certificate study on youth work hoping to have a real career and a stable, rewarding job.

    I am doing my master's and I have been working in the corporate world for years. Now a student I still remain driven to build networks and gain experiences so I do internship, volunteering while working part time to pay my bills and doing my full time study. It is not uncommon for me to go 10 days without a day-off because I am either working at the store or interning at the centre, plus some odd hours at the library or uni.

    We are attracted to each other because we share common values and personality traits - we both love animals, nature, arts and we value compassion and kindness and fairness. We are very romantic and affectionate and when we fight we aim to communicate with reasons. Sex is the awesome and almost transcendental at times.

    He is almost perfect but he is very laid back like a kid. Earlier on I had to take the lead to push him to contact the school for the course info, to help him write his personal statement and help him write his cover letter and resume. It took us ages and also a lot of my own time-off. But I love him and I want the best future for him. He never attends uni so writing is tough to him. (He actually wrote My roll as a ....in his resume, not that he doesn't know how to spell role but he is just careless) Because he is sort of "underemployed" his family and his friends also drive him to do errands for him and he has this predisposition of not saying no so he is often caught up with "unproductive" activities doing stuff for other people. He is extremely easily distracted so he is often late - because he would do other stuff neglecting the importance to prioritize, and he wouldn't even tell you he is running late until the time to meet up. His family has a nickname for this , "We meet you at 10am, not johnny(his name) time"

    Whenever I talk to him about his time management or what he should do for his study/career, he would say I am trying to make him occupied like he is my employee, or that he feels like I am talking to him like in a company meeting on productivitiy. I know I have this kind of talk but this is what I do, I believe in improving yourself and being focused and having prioritizes so you can juggle different priorities but the way he lives is being completely spontaneous that only very very little could be done. It affects not only his career but also how we date. I am always the person asking him about the time to meet up, reminding him to put the date in his calendar so he doesn't forget our next shows to go to. Even if it's a home dinner I would need to ask him have you bought the food have you done your own housework because if I dont, we will have dinner at 10pm.... I get off work at 6 and he has a full day of doing nothing, I just don't know how he manages his time. But if I ask, we fight and I had some close calls of losing him.

    I dont' know.. I know nobody is perfect but I dont know how to deal with him. I know I need to respect his way of life but I find it hard to be dating a person who is so different from me. I want to help him change / grow but I know I am not his mum. I'm really frustrated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    This IS who he is and this IS how he is.

    If nothing changed, would you be ok with signing up for a lifetime of this?

    He is not your child or your project. Accept what you see in front of you or move on.
    Someone's temperament, motivation and personality are intrinsic to who they are.
    Trying to mold him into what you want him to be is wrong and futile.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 02-06-2019 at 07:46 PM.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    If you want to fly, give up everything that weighs you down. 'Nuff said.

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    Don't be his parent by encouraging him to do this or that or contact the school. take him at face value. he may get around to getting the certificate, he might not.

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    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jonesallison
    He is almost perfect but...

    I dont' know.. I know nobody is perfect but I dont know how to deal with him. I know I need to respect his way of life but I find it hard to be dating a person who is so different from me. I want to help him change / grow but I know I am not his mum. I'm really frustrated.
    He is almost perfect, but he is not you, he does not have the same ambition or drive that you have. So, you want to help him change to be more like you. This sounds controlling to me, like he is not good enough, so the only way is you 'fixing' him because you perceive him to be beneath you. I do feel sorry for him for the constant badgering, nagging and mothering you do display to him. This likely lowers his own self esteem and making him believe he is not good enough.

    If you cannot deal with the person he is and how he lives his life, then you are not the person for him. You should leave him to find someone that does love him for who he is and who does not conpare him constantly to their own world ideal.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating. It's great you have some common interests. However awesome sex seems to be obscuring that fact that you are incompatible on many fundamental levels. Stop trying to fix, change or mother him.

    When hormones are flowing like this it's..."omg you like the beach!, wow me too!" "you think puppies are cute? wow" and the crazy-glue of great sex makes you feel like this means you are soul mates. Btw who doesn't "value compassion and kindness and fairness"?
    Originally Posted by jonesallison
    We are attracted to each other because we share common values and personality traits - we both love animals, nature, arts and we Sex is the awesome and almost transcendental at times.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    You choose to be driven, ambitious, and to put all your focus on work... he doesn't and that's his choice. Your way of living isn't better than his way, however this is the perception you create and pushing this on him diminishes who he is. Let him figure his own life out while you focus on your own. If you can't let go of your judgments and stop "mommying" him then you need to let him go and find someone that is more compatible with you in this area.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    This IS who he is and this IS how he is.

    If nothing changed, would you be ok with signing up for a lifetime of this?

    He is not your child or your project. Accept what you see in front of you or move on.
    Someone's temperament, motivation and personality are intrinsic to who they are.
    Trying to mold him into what you want him to be is wrong and futile.
    Agree wholeheartedly with this and with Maew's post. And I am driven like you. I married a type B BUT he is just as ambitious or more so, just as strong a work ethic or moreso ,as me. And the truth is I have been his helpmate so to speak at various points of his career but never ever like a parent or telling him what to do. He loves to get input from me, close friends and family before making significant career decisions and not with a passive "what should I do" but rather "these are my __ options, here are my thoughts, what do you think?"And yes I have looked over his work, helped him prepare for meetings, presentations, interviews but because HE wants me to and he values my input. And I see him as my partner the entire time - not as someone trying to get him to "improve" or change.

    I will give you an unrelated anecdote. When we were married about a year I made a "suggestion" that he start doing his brisk walking again which he had stopped doing. No, not because I wanted him to look better -I wanted him to feel better/be more fit/healthy. He did not like that -said I sounded literally like his mother. I exercise daily. He knows this. I said nothing else. Years later -a few years ago -he told me he planned to start doing his cardio power walks again. And he did. And then he came to me for input -like if he had a cold, should he still try to walk or should he wait on a particular day to walk later because of the weather since I'd been out. And I told him what I thought and also told him not to go by what I do -which is probably overdoing it especially when i'm under the weather. And I do support him in his exercise -meaning I'm good with watching our son if he wants to leave and do his walk etc but I totally back off on whether/when he should do it unless he asks me.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He would do well to let you go so you can find someone who is more compatible. Ya know? Someone who you love as they are you don't have to mold into what you actually want.

    He needs to be with someone who is more laid back like himself and not as "Type A" as yourself.

    Bottom line: You two are incompatible.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    This IS who he is and this IS how he is.

    If nothing changed, would you be ok with signing up for a lifetime of this?

    He is not your child or your project. Accept what you see in front of you or move on.
    Someone's temperament, motivation and personality are intrinsic to who they are.
    Trying to mold him into what you want him to be is wrong and futile.

    I have to agree. And if this is already frustrating you...do you see yourself dealing with this long term? It could just get worse and you will resent him.

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