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Thread: What is wrong with being single anyway?

  1. #21
    Bronze Member
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    Dec 2009
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    Yes thanks for the advice.

    I don't think I really meant single v in a relationship or dating I meant I had decided I don't anymore flakey arrangements etc. I would like a meaningful connection where I feel like I'm listened to etc. or not at all.

    I am not dating at the moment and haven't been for two months. I'm generally happy with my life but do spend too much time thinking about the past and why it didn't work. I only do that on here btw, most of the time I am getting on with my life quite well.

    I think most of us have sort of old wounds, I do my best.

    Yes he was the 'best thing since sliced bread' in my eyes, this is why it sucked so much. He was great in many ways, just not relationship material. Sometimes the most exciting interesting people we date don't make good relationship material.

    The work guy just happened and was supposed to be in my mind, someone to have a drink with to get me out again. I got all caught up in it, said I wouldn't but I thought he was amazing at the start! I didn't invest that much time etc. it was more in my head.

    Anyway I was soon down to earth with a bang and I'm dealing with that.

    I don't date much at all so it didn't help that he was the only thing going on for me. I don't go out much due to my work, I work unsocial times - weekends and evenings which gives me a challenge in meeting people. I am a bit lonely I suppose.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    If I may, I suggest choosing an interest to pursue in your off-work hours. Study a language, or pursue an athletic goal, or something expressive in a different way such as music or visual arts.

    It is easy to use dating/men/relationships as a place to invest our energy, like a hobby or a distraction, even when we don't mean to do that. We just need something else to think about.

    Diving into your own interest and challenging yourself to develop it further will help you define, further invest in and value your own path. And it may give you low stress social interaction as well.

  3. #23
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    there is nothign wrong with being single. AT ALL.
    Just ask the 5 out of every 10 married couples who divorce if they feel there is anything wrong with being single or how they would feel if they coudl go back and decide to be single or married/divorced again. :)

    ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with being single. EVER!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I've been both single for a considerable amount of time, I've been in relationships as well as married for 18 years.

    I can honestly say I enjoyed being single. My life was full. I have a lot of single friends and being unaccountable to anyone and not having to constantly compromise definitely has it's perks.

    I think society has conditioned us to think unless we are paired up, there must be something wrong.
    But I think those times are changing and with more divorces and people waiting to even later consider marriage, the statistics prove there are more single individuals than ever before.

    My youngest son just got married. My oldest at 32 is likely to never. He has a great life, very social and is a world traveler. He has found relationships (for him) confining and they limit his ability to go as he pleases. He was almost apologetic trying to explain this me. I told him there was nothing wrong with it and he should follow his heart. And if he remains single, then I support it.

    I just think where ever you are in life, you are meant to enjoy it. I don't understand why people who choose to be miserable during the time that are not paired up - As if their life and happiness depends on it. I just don't get it

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Not only is there nothing 'wrong' with being single, it's smart to take a breather from dating now and then--and for as long as it takes to feel grounded and happy with yourself solo. THAT is the only good platform from which to date, because it permits your motives and good sense to drive better choices--even while mistakes of different kinds will continue to teach you more skills. That's growth.

    Dating is a process of screening OUT bad matches, as there will always be far more of those than potential good ones. Emotional dating has its own set of drivers that prompt people to overlook red flags and latch onto bad matches in the hope of turning them into good ones, somehow. That doesn't work, and it can do something awful to your head.

    As for posting to a forum, I can only tell you how helpful it would have been for me to have such a place for questioning when I was younger. I had no rudder, no common sense and no private inputs beyond trashy magazines and books that were focused on teaching women how to satisfy men rather than learning how to become satisfied with one's Self, first.

    I've been single my whole life, and today I'm proudly so. I've had wonderful relationships that served their purpose at the time, but I outgrew them and really could have used some of the advice found here in order to lean how to get out of those with my Self in tact rather than suffering the depression of staying with wrong matches for far too long. In one case I was even stalked, kidnapped and help hostage until I'd take back the breakup, and I didn't recognize that abuse for what it was. I didn't know how to get help and protection. I didn't know that it was perfectly 'normal' to walk away from a bad relationship without retaliation--and I didn't know how dangerous a position I was in, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it.

    You sound as though you're fighting shame and feeling defensive about blame. What if both of those are just a waste of time? I don't say this to invalidate your feelings, but rather to support you in recognizing that dating and relationships are a minefield for everyone--and bad matches are not a reflection on you. Your ability to navigate beyond bad matches and allowing those to pass early is a skill that isn't taught by parents or classrooms--we each need to learn this stuff by trial an error.

    And it's OKAY to make errors, those are learning devices. We can choose how we'll respond to our inevitable mistakes: will we use those as don't-models that help us grow stronger and more confident as we move forward, or will we beat ourselves up with them, adopt fear as our driver, and view ourselves as damaged through a damaged lens?

    We each get to decide how we will use our experiences: either to grow or to stunt our own growth. That's not a choice anyone else can make for us. It's a decision.

    Head high.

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