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Thread: Jealous of Boyfriend's New Coworker

  1. #1
    Member cwags's Avatar
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    Jealous of Boyfriend's New Coworker

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. I'm 23, he's 31. We're extremely close, each others' best friends, and live together. But our relationship is far from perfect. He's cheated on me in the past (says he didn't think we were "committed" to each other at that point. We hadn't established we were together, but it was an unsaid understanding) and is a huge flirt/extremely charming (borderline narcissist). Basically, it's been a very rocky relationship, and he's constantly doing things to break my trust (messaging girls on social media, having an unusually large amount of girl friends, going out on the weekends, blacking out, and refusing to answer my calls/tell me where he is, etc.etc.). I already know that this relationship is doomed, and I need to man up and get the hell out of it, but for now, please just bare with me as I continue to be stupid :)

    He recently started a new job that one of our mutual friends helped him get, let's call her Sam. Sam, my boyfriend, and I used to work together at a different job, and I've always been bothered by their relationship. One night we were all out for a friend's birthday, he took some molly, and could not stop staring at Sam's breasts. Like literally, was so entranced by them that he leaned over and whispered "Oh my god, Sam's boobs" to me (????). For the rest of the night she was trying to get him to continue staring at her boobs (seductively dancing, beckoning him over). It was the most uncomfortable situation, and I was pissed. When we got home, I saw that he had texted her "omg your boobs" and she had just replied with an "lol". It was such a stupid situation, and obviously the molly had something to do with it, but to this day I cannot get over it. She has a boyfriend, he has me, but in all honesty, I don't think that would stop either one of them if the conditions were right.

    Ever since he got the new job, they text constantly (he says it's just work related stuff, but I doubt it), and he's been spending more time on his phone than being present in the moment with me. And I hate it. I hate that I can't even be happy for him and his new job because of Sam, and I hate that I literally get anxiety every day when he goes to work. Side note: They meet at her house and carpool to and from work together every day which really bothers me too. Most of the anxiety comes from me assuming that the more time they spend together, the closer they'll get, and that they'll be going to happy hour and work events together and getting drunk... which will result in cheating. The other day they were talking about bringing their SO's to work events, and both agreed that they don't really like to because they feel as if they need to babysit them or make sure they're having fun/doing okay. I took this as they're both trying to separate themselves as much as possible from their relationships while at work.

    At this point, I'm at a loss. I'm truly not ready to move on from this relationship yet, and I want things to get better between us. But my insecurities and jealousy about my boyfriend are literally turning me into an anxious mess. I find myself resenting him more and more, unable to even pretend like everything is fine anymore. I want to be happy for him and trust that he will do the right thing if she comes on to him, but I just can't, at least when alcohol is involved. I know I need to talk to him, but he'll just tell me my concerns are ridiculous and I'm being unreasonably jealous. Soooo, what would you do? How would you bring it up? What would you say if your SO became defensive of your concern? Am I indeed being too jealous and assuming too much? I know there's no easy way to handle this situation other than leaving him, but please at least try to help a girl out. Thank you <3
    Last edited by cwags; 02-05-2019 at 09:38 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Once a partner has cheated all respect & trust has gone out the window.
    I'm sorry, I have no ideas for you other than leaving.
    He will never change, he has shown you who he is, and you need to either put up with his behaviour or leave.

    You are so young & very pretty & deserve to be with someone who treats you like a queen!

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    What would I do? My azz would have been gone long ago. Period. Life is too short. Remember this : Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men . You’re NOT there to fix him ,change him or parent him. You want a partner not a project .

  4. #4
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Well glad you gave some backstory instead of just asking what you can do in order not to be insecure girlfriend. The bad thing is you are going to get a lot of people telling you something you don't want to hear ... which is, get out of this dead-end relationship.

    The good thing is you are young and this is just another lesson to add to your library... and I can tell you that when you've been around some dead-ends, at least in the future you know what a dead-end looks like before you venture there.

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    Rather than telling you the obvious, which is to leave this toxic situation, I'm going to ask you to really answer for yourself the question: Why do you stay in this relationship? You have already told us that it is unrewarding for you on many levels, so what compels you to stay? Is it easier to focus on why he does what he does than to focus on how to get yourself out of it? Or somewhere in your past was it modeled for you that struggle and abuse are the norm for an intimate romantic relationship? Love isn't supposed to be based on questions, and riddles and trying to figure out, fix or work around and repeatedly forgive deal breakers.

  7. #6
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    This relationship won't last, OP. You have good reason not to trust him and his current behavior suggests he is gearing up to betray your trust again. He sounds like a very immature 31 anyway. If I had a met a guy at 31 (I'm 37 now) who was still going and getting obliterated on weekends and popping molly, well, he wouldn't even make my short-list of potential dating candidates.

    My prediction if you choose to stay is that, eventually, he will leave. Since you don't want to really hear that you should be the one to call this off, at least start preparing your plan B and what you will do when the break-up finally happens.

    You are young so may not have a lot of relationship experience yet, but take it from those of us who have been around this block before: this is going to end in more heartbreak for you.
    Last edited by MissCanuck; 02-06-2019 at 04:36 AM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's unclear why you live with and stay with this drug using, cheating, lecherous "borderline narcissist". Is this out of economic necessity? What is the reason you can't end it and move out? Do you also drink and use club drugs this much?

  9. #8
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    I stayed "with" a guy who I knew was cheating. He eventually dumped me for one of the women he was cheating on me with.

    Sticking around trying to be the "cool girlfriend" and pretending I didn't know got me nothing but dumped and ashamed of my own behavior and lack of self esteem. Took me years to recover from my own bad decision to stay.

    If you refuse to leave be prepared to either get dumped or to have your self esteem badly damaged. Or both.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    What would I do? My azz would have been gone long ago. Period. Life is too short. Remember this : Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men . You’re NOT there to fix him ,change him or parent him. You want a partner not a project .
    Copy past this and read this every day!

    This is who he is, it won't change nor has he a reason to change because no matter his disrespect you've always welcomed him back. You can do better than him!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I stayed "with" a guy who I knew was cheating. He eventually dumped me for one of the women he was cheating on me with.

    Sticking around trying to be the "cool girlfriend" and pretending I didn't know got me nothing but dumped and ashamed of my own behavior and lack of self esteem. Took me years to recover from my own bad decision to stay.

    If you refuse to leave be prepared to either get dumped or to have your self esteem badly damaged. Or both.
    And please go to the doctor and be scanned for STDs. Cheaters put their partners health at risk without their consent. They make life threatening decisions for you unilaterally when they decide to cheat.

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