Blocked after amazing first date

I had what I thought was a great first date with someone on Sunday, we met at 3pm and ended up having a few drinks, decided to go to dinner and then she came back to mine. She said she had never felt that amount of chemistry with someone before and it was the best first date she'd ever been on. We had been chatting for around two weeks before getting around to arranging this date and she told me she had been seeing someone else after we'd slept together but I assumed it was along the lines of just maybe having been on a few dates as you do with dating apps.

Got this message from her the next day and she blocked me before I could reply:

Hello! Ugh I would like to do this in person. I must say I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday and didn’t think I would like you so much. Like I told you I am seeing another person and waking up this morning I must admit I felt terrible. I am not a ‘more than one guy’ sort of woman and I have been seeing him for a while (albeit not formally exclusively of course). But I feel even with that I need to keep things simple for my own peace of mind. I am so very sorry and this has been very confusing. I hope you don’t think I am a total ****.

Feel gutted to be honest as haven't connected with someone in that way for a really long time.

That's disappointing. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do.

My guess is she doesn't want the guy she's been seeing to know she went out with someone else (ie. you) and blocked you as a means of not raising his suspicions, and also not giving you any room to voice your own opinion about her decision.

Bad timing happens.

It is probably best that she blocked you and I am sure she did it so she wouldn't feel worse after your reply.

I have been in your shoes except for the having sex on the first date part and it took a little bit for me to accept that sometimes we meet the right person at the wrong time.

Who knows perhaps one day your paths will cross again...

Lost

Sorry for your loss. This is how it goes, you win some, you lose some. The good news is, at least she reached out and provided an explanation which is lot better than being ghosted. Its clear she didn't want to complicate her life so blocked you to serve her need for simplicity. There is nothing you can do and there is nothing to be gained by giving her another thought, you had one great night, that's all its going to be, time to move on.

As they say it takes 2 and while you great chemistry - her heart was already leaning towards somebody else when you met.

I'm sorry that you are going thru this - but love is strange. And for us men - we will never understand "female logic" will we?

Time to move on. She's gone. And you can make a relationship with "1".

Kudos for her honestly and not ghosting you

Gosh I wish Incould post this on the healing after heartbreak board.

Notice her verbiage: I have been seeing him for a while albeit not exclusively

And then she was on the dating site was she not? What was she there for sh*ts and giggles?

You were a crutch..

It’s such a selfish act. Take solace in the fact that’s he isn’t in a healthy place to be dating to begin with And shame on her. I guess her karma is chasing after this other guy who won’t ckmmit and sends her to get ego boosts from dating sites.

Bummer, but you'll be dusted off in a day.

It was nice that she was honest. Have gotten a few of those texts myself after a hot night—and, yeah, have sent one or two myself.

As figureitout noted, at the end of the day this is not someone in the right state to date. Had she been totally up front—I'm seeing someone, not looking for anything more than fun—that would have been truly honest. You'd have known what you were (literally) getting into. She withheld that, probably because this other thing has her twisted in some kind of knot where she's trying to be a few different people at once.

Not cool. But happens.

And, hey, you had a good night! Savor that, swipe away—there's even greater on the pixilated horizon.

Gosh I wish Incould post this on the healing after heartbreak board.

 

Notice her verbiage: I have been seeing him for a while albeit not exclusively

 

And then she was on the dating site was she not? What was she there for sh*ts and giggles?

 

You were a crutch..

 

It’s such a selfish act. Take solace in the fact that’s he isn’t in a healthy place to be dating to begin with And shame on her. I guess her karma is chasing after this other guy who won’t ckmmit and sends her to get ego boosts from dating sites.

Agree.

I also believe she will be wasting time/energy hoping one day he gives her that "exclusive" title....

Aww yuck. It's vulgar of her to tell you things you want to hear, have sex with you, then give you some bull and block you.

It's just a hit it and quit it, the rest is noise. Amazing connection?! Naw, you knew her one night. There was attraction. Not worth mourning, as you are mourning something that was never there. This isn't someone who can offer basic respect.

I am sorry you came across someone so 💩y in how they treat others.

Shame it didn't work out after only one date, but ah well, you got laid, High Five. Move on.

Sorry to hear this. It boggles the mind that she's "seeing someone" yet is on dating sites and comes back to your place for a one night stand. At least you didn't waste too much time on this. What if you two were "seeing each other" and she does the same dating app - one night stand routine on you.

Sounds like she was cheating on this "someone" and decided she should block you before he finds out. Dodged a bullet.

ended up having a few drinks, decided to go to dinner and then she came back to mine. she told me she had been seeing someone else after we'd slept together

Hello! Ugh I would like to do this in person. I must say I really enjoyed meeting you yesterday and didn’t think I would like you so much. Like I told you I am seeing another person and waking up this morning I must admit I felt terrible. I am not a ‘more than one guy’ sort of woman and I have been seeing him for a while (albeit not formally exclusively of course). But I feel even with that I need to keep things simple for my own peace of mind. I am so very sorry and this has been very confusing. I hope you don’t think I am a total ****.

The guy she was "seeing" was her on and off boyfriend or simply her ex. She woke up realizing that sleeping with a random stranger doesn't make the break up pain go away. Be glad you even got a message, 99.9% they just ghost.

Thanks all for the replies.

Just to add some more info that I got from the date.

She divorced a couple of years ago (she's 38 now so the same age as me). The ex-husband lives abroad. Perhaps she isn't fully over him and even though she thought she might have been emotionally available perhaps wasn't?

When we spoke about our experiences with dating apps we both spoke about our bad experiences from them - ghosting, etc. She told me she had been seeing someone in the back end of last year but he ghosted her over Christmas and New Years which hurt her. I wonder if this guy might still be on the scene or she has met someone else from Bumble in the last month or so. The fact she said she had been seeing someone for a while makes me wonder if he is still on the scene in some form. Either way he is obviously not fully into her if he is ghosting her and not fully committing to her after that amount of time.

Also when speaking about our experiences with dating apps we both said how much we hated the whole multi-dating side of it all but how it seems to be the way now. I also commented on how I would prefer to just date one person at a time and even though not jump straight into a relationship would prefer that exclusivity at the beginning. Perhaps that scared her off when she had time to think about it the next day?

And for us men - we will never understand "female logic" will we?

Richey richey richey lol you really do have a way with words

OP I am sorry you went through this... at least she told you what's up vs. just ghosting you but still... it sucks when the chemistry doesn't work out the way we want it to, it's happened plenty of times to me... like bluecastle said it takes me a day or two to get over it after which point I can usually just accept that it didn't work out and move on.

even though she thought she might have been emotionally available perhaps wasn't?

Yeah, probably something like this. But also: not really worth decoding.

It would be so, so very nice if everyone was perfect, healed, solid, sturdy, and meant everything they said on first dates and/or between the sheets. But it doesn't work that way, never will. And the truth is that it's better for being so messy. It's human. It's wild. It's why the flip side of the disappointment you now feel can be so very special, so very rewarding.

In the end, the price of admission for the potential of those pleasures is some pain, some disappointment.

I don't know your history, but at your age (basically my age) I have to assume you've confused a woman or two along the way. Sent one message on Monday, another come Tuesday. Not because you're a malicious monster, but because life is murky, feelings are bananas, and we're always coming in and out of focus to ourselves.

For me, whenever I get a little thrown like this, I just remind myself of the way I've thrown others—that I was doing my best, but, alas, I was more wobbly than I knew and someone else got blown around a bit by my winds. Like you, and probably like her, I do my best to be stable and straightforward—but my "best," no doubt, has come up short here and there, especially in early dating.

So when someone else's best leaves me a bit flustered and bruised I just go: bummer, but so it goes. Just a reminder to keep finding a better version of someone's best, which means someone else.

Dude, she wanted to get laid, she got laid. If it was really that much of an amazing connection, you'd both be arranging another date. Instead, she fed you some shady bs that sounds an awful lot like she might be cheating and then blocked you. When you imagine yourself with your perfect woman, is she a cheater? Someone who skates on fuzzy boundaries of "well we didn't sign a contract that we are exclusive, so...." I hope not.

It seems like you are the kind of a person where you bond after sex. So maybe in the future, try to keep things out of the bedroom for awhile. At least long enough to know if the woman is genuine or not. This one wasn't. She got what she was after and tossed you out.

Well I sent her this from a spare work phone I have lying around as a text and left it at that, probably not the wisest move but I do wear my heart on my sleeve, am not a judgemental person and do want her to know that it did mean something to me at least:

Hey,

It's Rich messaging from a spare work phone, don't worry I wouldn't normally go to these kind of lengths to message someone after just one date, I just wanted to get a message through to you so that you would know that I would never think badly of you and I just hope you are ok.

I completely understand your situation and I get that you were probably very confused today. The last thing I would want you to feel is unhappy. I also know that I probably came on a bit strong yesterday which is also very unlike me but I did think you were lovely and we seemed to have so much chemistry.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I don't think badly of you as it was probably the most I've ever clicked with anyone on a first date and I didn't want you to disappear without letting you know that especially as you are such a lovely person.

If you do want to stay in touch we can but I will understand if not and wish you all the best.

Rich x

Eeeek that is SO unnecessary. Completely boundary crossing. If she blocked you, her message is loud and clear - no contact is wanted.

Oh yikes!

I also know that I probably came on a bit strong yesterday which is also very unlike me

You actually can write this ^^ while launching a sneak attack on her with your burner phone?!

If I am subtly trying to back out of something, this text from an unknown number would make me feel unsafe.

It comes of seriously desperate.

Her blocking you sends a very clear message. Not sure why you thought this was a good idea.

I agree with the others the message was completely overkill and will most likely not have the desired outcome

But at the same time she used you as an ego boost.

So, hey, now you’re even.

I also agree with others if you connect emotionally via sex it’s not a good idea to engage in first date intercourse.

Oh buddy.

Well, what’s done is done.

Just a little real talk: the thing on your sleeve? That’s not your heart, but your ego.

Your heart does not know this person, at all. Your ego is inflamed, hungry for soothing. The subtext of your note is: please soothe my ego.

Which, hey, whatever. Life. Dating. Low stakes.

But just something to think about as you move forward and fine tune the playbook. Always good to get to know your ego, so you can keep it in check.

It’s when the ego is at rest the heart can really make it onto the sleeve—slowly, slowly.

Well I sent her this from a spare work phone .....

 

It's Rich {not required: messaging from a spare work phone} {deleted the needy unattractive stuff in the middle}

 

If you {deleted the friend zone stay in touch stuff} want to get together again, give me a call, but {I will understand} if not {and wish you} all the best.

 

The redacted version would have been better if you couldn't resist sending something.

Is the work phone blocked now?

This lady just wanted a one night romp - I've had a few of these over the years. Doesn't matter what's behind that, she isn't interested so shake it off and act accordingly.

If she ever comes back - and I've had that happen - it'll probably be for the same reason. Whether you should do anything with that depends on whether you can manage your expectations at the time, and see it for what it probably is - a booty call.

But - if you ever want to go there again, do not do the "stay in touch" friend stuff.

Well I know it was stupid on my part. I just guess I didn't want her to think that I thought she was a 'total ****' as per her final message to me and that she could reach out to me if she wanted to at some point further down the line. One of my friends said that I need to stop over-empathising.

I know it was needy, clingy, desperate, etc etc and reading it back now I am cringing.

I guess I can't take it back now though.

Oh big deal. So you sent a nice message to somebody. Queue the scream. I'm sure she isn't going to kill herself over it, and you can't be held criminally responsible. We should have more gestures of kindness in this world. Kudos to you.