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Thread: Found out boyfriend kissed someone a year ago

  1. #1
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    Found out boyfriend kissed someone a year ago

    This story is complicated. I would appreciate some perspective.
    My partner and I are in our 30s. A year ago, he went to his friend's wedding in Brazil but I could not go because I did not have enough annual leave left so he went alone to be best man.
    When he went to Brazil, my divorce was being finalised (I was separated from ex-Husband a year at this point because he was having an affair) and my partner and I had been steadily dating 3 months.

    I told my partner I could not be "boyfriend and girlfriend" as this was an ugly process I was going through and I wanted to protect him from the legal battle I was in. I also had pressure from family not to be in a serious relationship and needed time to get though this but I wanted to stay exclusive and keep dating. I thought he understood.

    My partner was pushing me to be serious however we were sleeping together, spending every weekend together and had been on a holiday away together. We were exclusive and I did tell him it would be a relationship eventually when proceedings finalised.

    A couple of weekends ago, I was thinking about the past and asked him if anything happened in Brazil, and he told me he couldn't lie anymore, he took his friend's wedding planner on a date when he was out there, kissed her at the end and they briefly kept in touch sending pictures to each other.

    When he came back and we were official, he said he told her he had a girlfriend and she wanted to keep in touch as friends. I never knew about it but I had my suspicions as when he was in Brazil, I received a number of messages telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me, wished I was there but then got one from him saying "I want to see you again". He told me it meant he wanted to see a picture of me which I knew was BS. The message was meant for this girl.

    I don't know why, something snapped in me last weekend and I pestered him to tell me what happened and why I got that message.

    He has lied about this when I've brought it up a few times before. He said nothing else happened, the date was boring and the kiss horrible, and he didn't want to tell me as he knew he would lose me.

    We had a rough time a few months ago, and I seen he was searching for her on Facebook. We ended up splitting briefly and he started following her and revealed he was in contact with her again the whole 3 weeks we were split, he said he just wanted some attention and knew where to get it.

    Fast forward, we are working on things and this guy wants to settle down with me but I have my doubts. He believes he was wrong, but doesn't think what he did was so terrible. I think it was so terrible. To keep up an illusion that he was totally devoted to me. I even agreed to be in a relationship with him on the basis I genuinely believed I could trust him as nothing happened in Brazil and I was being crazy to think something had.

    Now, I don't know how to proceed. We now live together and share a beautiful home and a dog. I really don't know if I can trust him again.
    It killls me that he got back in touch with her only a few months ago and that just shows me that he does not respect me, but he says I'm making too big of a deal out of this.

    Can anyone offer and guidance or help?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It seems the only times he's had contact with her is the times that the two of you were not committed.
    I personally don't get the `exclusive but not committed' label. You are committed to be exclusive, no?
    This puts things is a grey fuzzy zone and things like this will happen.

    Can you trust him? I don't know. But based only on what you've shared, I think the two of you set yourselves up to fail but not having clear expectations of each other. And when things are `not committal' stuff happens.

    It remains to be seen if he's `committed' to you.
    How about the two of you stop playing in the grey zone and be clear on your expectations of each other when you are together and what the rules are during the times you two split up?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    What happened in Brazil is not the real problem. You were not boyfriend and girlfriend per your request. Exclusive = boyfriend and girlfriend. Lying about it is another story though.

    The real problem imo is his lying and his trying to feed you bs when things get hard. That sounds like a pattern; He sounds liable to lie and seek attention elsewhere whenever you two run into trouble. If that is a deal breaker for you, then that's your answer... I consider such behaviour a deal breaker, others may not .

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    He has shown you who he is, you chose to either forgive, carry on and hope for best, you will probably have a life focused on checking up on him and wondering about the level of devotion your partner has to you and the relationship. Or you decide you don't want to live that way and end this relationship for that reason. Then you go forward recognizing that what you require from a partner is unwavering devotion, honesty and commitment without doubt. Most people want that, it is not too much to ask, but if you settle for a relationship with a guy who is not able to give you that, you won't have that, how important is it to your overall happiness? If it is important to you, don't settle for a life without it. When we settle for what we don't want in life, we end up unhappy, unfulfilled or depressed.

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  6. #5
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    I’m with Clio.

    I think what happened in Brazil is understandable. He wanted to be your boyfriend and you were kind of giving him the runaround. Yes, you said it would be a relationship “eventually” - but frankly, it rarely works out that way (it’s nice that it did but he had no way of knowing that at the time). I completely understand why he would keep his options open in this scenario - but where he went wrong is that he should have been upfront about it. The fact that he lied about instead of saying “yes! That happened” right from the start bothers me greatly.

    I would have a hard time being in a relationship with someone who couldn’t tell me things that I needed to hear - whether I’d be mad about it or not. He prioritized “keeping the peace” over his own integrity, which to me is bothersome.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Why are you asking these questions if you've inferred the correct answer already? It sounds like a **** test. You could get half the users on these forums telling you he should have been honest. If you'd been here complaining how he told you how amazing of a time he had with her and that he confessed he was dying to see her again, the other half of these forums would be telling you he doesn't know when to swallow his pride and tell a white lie. Being honest, what he did in Brazil while not being a relationship with you was none of your business to begin with, never mind pestering him for an answer you and he both knew you didn't want to hear. Nor was it your business who he got into contact with after you'd broken up. It's hard to sympathize when you seem to be routinely apt to put him in a crappy situation.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    A few thoughts:
    - Brazil and his cover up of it seem understandable and in balance with your posture of creating a pass / fail environment. Forgive each of you.
    - Going forward, strive to listen for understanding, not compliance. If you hear him straying in any manner, learn to see it as a symptom about his needs and not about disrespect or violation of you. Learn to be his friend AND his romantic partner.
    - Now, consider what you know: he needs companionship and validation, perhaps on a relatively constant basis. This is a yellow flag, and must be evaluated in the context of other dynamics.

    He is human; it was Brazil. More recently, it was fb, that brought it into current space and time, and that may be a real concern. Going forward, you both already are in a position of probation officer and petty criminal. You are not on even footing. He is seeking to placate, which means he is silencing his voice about what he needs to make this relationship work for him. You are acting as the authority, which means you may be taking responsibility for too much of the relationship.

    Proceed with caution, and possible therapy.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm wondering where in all this you had time to heal from your divorce and have some time to yourself as a single woman? If Brazil was a year ago, and you two already share a home and dog, and you were finalizing your divorce when he went to Brazil... it seems like straight from married to one to living with another?

    I'm not judging you but I do wonder if that might not have something to do with why you two haven't been able to build that firm base line of trust that is so essential to a serious relationship.

    I think too that while still married, it's not a fair expectation to try and put on hold a man for a future committed relationship expecting him to be devoting all of himself to you. You had business to attend to, and were not available - it's not like layaway where you put a down payment down and it's there waiting for you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I'm wondering where in all this you had time to heal from your divorce and have some time to yourself as a single woman? If Brazil was a year ago, and you two already share a home and dog, and you were finalizing your divorce when he went to Brazil... it seems like straight from married to one to living with another?

    I'm not judging you but I do wonder if that might not have something to do with why you two haven't been able to build that firm base line of trust that is so essential to a serious relationship.

    I think too that while still married, it's not a fair expectation to try and put on hold a man for a future committed relationship expecting him to be devoting all of himself to you. You had business to attend to, and were not available - it's not like layaway where you put a down payment down and it's there waiting for you.
    Yes, absolutely. It is hard to understand how much of an opportunity divorce is. How much strength comes from recovery. How many lessons come from acceptance and reflection. One year of separation is nothing. One year after court decree is the beginning. Three years, five years post divorce: now we're talking about a baggage free fresh start with a healthy new you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You were still married and you two were only dating 3 mos and not exclusive at the time. It may be best to reflect on if the cheating husband is the driving force behind this type of baggage.
    Originally Posted by Willowtreebe
    When he went to Brazil, my divorce was being finalised. I was separated from ex-Husband a year at this point because he was having an affair and my partner and I had been steadily dating 3 months.

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