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Thread: I want to break up, but my girlfriend is depressed. Pease help.

  1. #1
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    I want to break up, but my girlfriend is depressed. Pease help.

    Please help*

    Me and my gf have been together two years, but as of the last month or so, I have little to no desire to continue this relationship.

    Itís almost as though Iíve lost myself and want to explore myself more, make future plans, go to university eventually and just generally move forwards - without her.

    The trouble is, Iím 99.9% certain she has depression and 100% she has anxiety. Plus we live together and me moving out would involve me (a) leaving her with all the rent to pay on her own (b) taking my TV / PlayStation and other important furnishings and (c) just generally leaving her on own - which all fills me with a monumental amount of guilt.

    To add to the complexity of the situation, sheís pretty much been begging me to re consider and Ďwork things outí - (I feel weíve worked to our end). I almost wish sheíd get with somebody else so it would make my decision 100x easier..

    While Iíve said ĎIím unhappy/I need to be happy/Do you think thereís any hope for us, etc, I havenít explicitly said ĎItís overí, because I have a hunch she would sink yet deeper, sleep more into the day than she does, see less people than she already struggles to see, and that fills me dread and sadness.

    What do I do?

  2. #2
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    You break up with her.

    She survived for many years before she met you. She will survive after you are gone.

    Dragging things out will not make things easier. Itís like pulling off a band-aid. The quicker, the better. It will hurt, but the longer you drag things out the worse it will be. Iím sure her friends and family will rally by her side.

    The ONLY thing is - are you on the lease? When is the lease up for renewal? If you are on the lease, you may be (legally) obligated to pay your share unless she can find a roommate or something.

    To be perfectly honest, when I broke up with my ex that I lived with and rented with many years ago, I simply timed it with the end of the lease (a few months beforehand so that we could make our own separate plans).

    ... but the sooner, the better.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When you agree to move in with someone, you take all the risks into consideration. This is the biggest one. -It didn't work out.
    So many things in life are not certain and this is one of them.
    I appreciate the fact that you are concerned. It's a good quality.
    But staying in a situation you clearly do not want to be in is detrimental to both of you. You are not doing anyone any favors.
    What you can do is help offset the burden financially in any way you can afford too.
    That's about all you can do.

  4. #4
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    You have some work to do, you are having trouble setting a reasonable boundary that is important to your own happiness. You are not responsible for the happiness or the mental health of someone else. You have a responsibility to be fair and recognize that this will create disruption and financial stress, so the decent thing to do is to work with her to make that transition as smooth as possible, maybe helping her find another place, maybe staying until a sublet could be arranged or something like that. You will have to accept as well that this will be awkward and difficult, it will be uncomfortable to tell her you are ending the relationship and from that day until the day you are actually living apart, it will be stressful and uncomfortable. But just because something is stressful or uncomfortable doesn't mean we don't do it. If you try to live life avoiding difficult decision or worse yet deferring your own happiness to that of someone else, you won't really be living your own life. This is your life and no one else's.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    You're not doing her any favors by sticking around if you no longer want the relationship with her. Do you know how awful she'd feel if she knew that you thinking you need to take care of her is the only reason you haven't dumped her? I know I would be pissed as hell if someone I was dating stuck around to pseudo-parent me! Guilt is a normal emotion to feel when you end a relationship, but don't convince yourself she can't survive without you. Heck, she may even end up being better off! (I mean, don't we all deserve a partner who loves us?)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    So, what is the other option? You stay, you try to make it work but get sucked into her downward spiral. You develop resentment for her. Time goes by and the resentment builds to monumental proportions until after another year, two, you finally are done with it and move out. Then you look back and wonder why you dragged it out for another 2 years.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've already discussed breaking up. How long have you lived together? Whose name is the lease in? How long left on the lease? Where did you /she live before you moved in together? Do you both work? Do either of you attend university now? How old is she? Can she move back home to her parents?

    Unfortunately this has been in a steady decline since moving in together with diminished sex, diminished interaction, etc. It seems you are both struggling to hang on as roommates, but the romance end died.

    The furnishing is not the issue, people survive just fine without video game consoles and sofas. The issue is not her presumed mental health issues. Those are in fact better treated by a qualified professional than a live-in bf sticking around dragging things out. You are not responsible for her inertia, depression, whatever. You are only responsible for being a decent fair person.

    The issue is the relationship is dead in the water. Discuss fair and practical ways to sever this relationship and living arrangement. It's best for you and best for her as well. Keep it practical and unemotional. Decide who moves out, who pays what, who keeps what, etc. If you move out (and you cosigned a lease or sublet) you are responsible for the remainder of your end of the lease, not her. She can get a roommate as soon as you give her proper 30 whatever days notice. Which you must also do. Pay up your end of whatever joint bills. Sever all accounts.

    You both already know it's over so don't beat that dead horse. Focus on fairly and legally severing this living arrangement. Don't stick around for your own reasons but blame her for feeling trapped.
    Originally Posted by r350
    Iíve lost myself and want to explore myself more, make future plans, go to university eventually and just generally move forwards - without her.

    we live together and me moving out would involve me (a) leaving her with all the rent to pay on her own (b) taking my TV / PlayStation and other important furnishings and (c) just generally leaving her on own

    sheís pretty much been begging me to re consider and Ďwork things outí

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Keyman
    So, what is the other option? You stay, you try to make it work but get sucked into her downward spiral. You develop resentment for her. Time goes by and the resentment builds to monumental proportions until after another year, two, you finally are done with it and move out. Then you look back and wonder why you dragged it out for another 2 years.

    Iíve been there before. I was with my ex for 4 years. That shouldíve ended 6 months after we met and ended nothing but a fling, but it was dragged out by both parties ending in bitter resentment, unfaithfulness and general bad vibes. That shapes my thought process going forward and makes me wary about plodding on for the sake of it and just wasting time essentially..

  10. #9
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    Iím speaking to her about it now and she just keeps saying ĎIíve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you donít, then you need move out and help me move oní.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by r350
    Iím speaking to her about it now and she just keeps saying ĎIíve made my position clear, I want to try to make it work, but if you donít, then you need move out and help me move oní.
    OK . . Get busy with a plan

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