When did it get better for you?

My story:

Was dumped 5 months ago, after a 6,5 yrs together. He was 6 yrs younger than me, and quite the introvert, insecure type. Always had issues with communication, and some anxiety problems, but nothing that made him isolated. I loved him, I helped him, supported him. Helped him write his bachelors, helped him apply for his job. We were very close with his family, and he grew up in a farm where we spent all of the past summers. He told me he didn’t love me “like that” anymore.

3weeks after we broke up, and 2weeks after I moved out, there suddenly was another girl, a coworker. So I guess he fell for someone else. He’s still with this girl..

His family love me, and are maybe as sad as I am about it all. He’s supposedly not doing too good, but I’ve kept the NC with no slip ups since I found out about the other girl. She actually contacted me in October, telling me to delete a sentence from my blog (I write about dog training, only thing I wrote that I hadn’t been writing much because I was sad that my x dumped me, and it felt unfair. No names, no nothing). She said “she wanted to protect him”...

Now here I am. Broken beyond recognition, still. And I’m so, so, so tired of it all! I have a job I love, I bought my own apartment, I have a hobby I love.. I’m not sad all the time, but I lost the dream. Not only him, but my future (the farm), “my” (his) family, and my life...

I’ve tried dating. It’s a nice, short term distraction, then I just fall apart and give up. No one is him...

People say it gets better... When did it get better for you?

Sorry to hear this. Why did you break up? You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. This new gf sounds creepy, but do not blog about your heartache. Maintain your dignity and privacy. Start a journal here instead.

Keep in mind this other girl was not "sudden". You were just the last to know. It's a mistake to have mothered him this much, it kills the romance.

-I helped him, supported him. Helped him write his bachelors, helped him apply for his job.

 

2weeks after I moved out, there suddenly was another girl, a coworker.

 

She actually contacted me in October, telling me to delete a sentence from my blog. She said “she wanted to protect him”...

He just got a bit detached and when I asked him if everything was okay, it wasn’t... And then tha cat was out of the bag sort of. He was really unsure about the desicion for the first two weeks, then new girl...

I probably did “mother” him to much, but it wasn’t like I was the only one supporting him.

The NC with him is okey, or rather, I can deal with that. I have no reason to speak with him because he’s not saying the things I want to hear anyways.. But his parents - that’s really really hard! There aren’t really anyone else... all our friends were my friends, he never nurtured any of his relations with anyone.. So now he has new girl and his work.. and feels that his family hates him for leaving me I guess...

5 months after a 6 year relationship is just the beginning. Yes, it does get better but just be patient.

Time will take care of things.

I'm sorry this happened.

There's an apology about rescuing broken little birds. After you nurture them back to health, they are likely to fly away.

Choose wisely next time.

My story:

His family love me, and are maybe as sad as I am about it all. He’s supposedly not doing too good, but I’ve kept the NC with no slip ups since I found out about the other girl. She actually contacted me in October, telling me to delete a sentence from my blog (I write about dog training, only thing I wrote that I hadn’t been writing much because I was sad that my x dumped me, and it felt unfair. No names, no nothing). She said “she wanted to protect him”...

To me it looks like she wants to protect herself not him.

But nonetheless, to give an answer to your question. First breakup took me 3 or 4 years to totally get over. After that, breakups took much less time and was much, much easier to move on. But no one can give you the exact answer how long it will take for you to totally get over him and move on. Each person and situation is different. But to give you something more. My best moments and growth in life were happening when going trough these moments (breakups and rejections). There will be new windows for unexpected oppertunity and growth. Not kidding. I'll guarentee you this. Try to look forward to those awesome unexpected moments.

Had I stayed with my first relationship, then I would've never finished an education, much less, reach and finish my MBA (masters degree) and get to know lots of awesome people. This has rather opened my eyes and I now plan to travel by myself in the near future to learn and discover new people and experiences. Never would I have found out that I was capable of doing/achieving all these things. My first ex was nasty when breaking up to me, and she allready had another guy lined up. But little did I know that something like this was waiting for me. Sometimes these difficult situations and moments happen so you can reach out to your full potential.

Accept the feelings that you have now and feel them out and let them pass.

See it this way, you're standing on the ocean and you need to endure the waves (feelings) untill the waves will become less and the ocean becomes soothing. Some waves will be bigger then others, but generally these waves will pass and you'll feel awesome again. I know hard to believe now but you will.

15 year marriage = 3 years to get over (for the most part). The worst of the grief has passed, and I have become willing and ready to start letting go of my anger and resentments. Even then things still trigger me and bring up a ton of feelings about my past with him. Look at it this way... if you allow yourself the chance to feel you allow yourself to let go and move on. I have been seeing someone new that I really like... that really likes me... and when my ex found out it brought a whole new array of feelings to the surface. I was shocked by the intensity of them. But it's all part of the process, letting go of the old and letting in the new. Just try and ride it out, I can promise you that it gets better over time.

It always gets better.. always. There is no black/white formula of "it takes 2 weeks" or "it takes 5 yrs"... every situation is a case by case based on how involved you were, how great it was, how long it was, and how invested you were.

So don't worry about how long, or if. It WILL get better. You WILL get over this - at the right time and when you're ready.

"You're ready" means when your body and the universe and whatever else you may believe in - knows you're ready. Not when you yourself know.

You have a fantastic life going - job, place, LIFE. So this one person asn't the answer but it who ever said your only way to be on a farm of your dreams is with THAT person? I dont' see any laws or studies that show the "only way to get a dream farm is to be the wife of John Doe".... So stop LINKING your happiness to needing to be with him. I woudl be willing to bet before you ever knew your ex- ever existed you had a HAPPY life right?

Happiness is not linked to a particular relationship with a particular person being successful. It never is.

Remind yourself of that and this may go a lot faster.

Hang in there. When you're ready.. it'll move fast.

Hmm, you might have a point, but thing is - life with him completed me. Everything was ok before, but not great, and every day in this relationship I felt happy and lucky.

I think I just feel that I should’ve gotten more over it by now, and that just adds to the feeling of being a failure. But I guess I’m not that abnormal there, that’s comforting to know at least.. :)

I like the wave anology:) Thanx

Took 2 years after a 30+-year marriage with a cheater.

I remarried and life's better. I can still dredge up hurt feelings now five years later. However, it is much easier to put hem aside for the positives in my life now.

Here's my story: nearly 29 years of marriage. There were good times and bad times. I gave him my heart and my soul. I became aware early on in the marriage that he was insecure even though he put up a good front. In fact, he was downright arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, and disrespectful and it got worse with time. I accepted who and what he was. For better Why? Not totally sure but I took my wedding vows seriously (you know, the part that states "...for better, for worse...". And, I actually felt bad (sorry?) for him. He told me he wanted a divorce last May so it's been 8 months now. No need to go into details as to why. I was totally devastated at first. I didn't think a human could shed so many tears. I could barely eat, sleep, function, etc

I have allowed myself to go through the different phases of the grieving process. I know what I am feeling is normal. But, I seem to be stuck at the anger phase right now. There are days that I simply am unable to accept the fact that he threw me to the curb. His rejection hurt more than I can describe. But, I am happy to say that I feel much, much, much better now because I am no longer subjected to all his sh*t. I know I am responsible for my own happiness but I am not completely there yet. There are days when I feel lonely. I am still too raw. Like your situation, his mom and his sister and her family love me and for that, I am deeply grateful. I have only three friends now because all the people that I know are spouses or friends of people that he works with. I reached out to a couple of them hoping that they would continue to be my friends but they've turned their backs to me. I realise now that they are not genuine friends. That hurts but such is life.

In summary, I also will guarantee you that you will feel better in time. Personally, I don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal before dating. Like the other posters said, each person will heal at different times, depending on many variables. BUT, you too will heal at some point. I promise you! Hugs.

There are some theories that it takes have the duration of a relationship to get over it.

I think it really depends on the relationship itself and a lot of other factors. Each situation is unique.

Just know what you are experiencing is normal and there is no calendar day that one should expect.

Just be kind to yourself.

Imo, there is no set timeframe. It gets better when you begin to see the relationship for what it really was i.e.once you take them off the pedestal. Based on what you wrote, this guy sounds like a major wuss, who keeps choosing women who treat him like a child that needs "protection". Her looking at your blog and having the entitlement to tell you what you can and cannot write sounds messed up. No self-respecting male would keep picking women that treat him like a minor and have the audacity to interfere like that. You lost nobody special.

Having said that you were also part of this unhealthy dynamic. You treated him like a teenager and guess what; teenagers rebel, they grow up and leave the nest. Imo, your relationship sounds co-depend and you are better off without it. You now have the chance to find an actual adult. The million dollar question though is whether you will learn from it so as not to keep picking manchildren that will keep leaving you once they outgrow you. Sorry to sound harsh but even now you talk about him and his parents as if he is a child. This guy is stuck on a pattern of surrounding himself with people who treat him as if he is underage e.g. his parents, you, his new girlfriend. You have the chance to escape all this malarkey.

Take this manchild off the pedestal and cut all contact with his parents or whoever is feeding you information that keeps you stuck in all this stupid drama. Learning new info about him is what keeps you stuck. It is a form of breaking no contact and it prolongs your misery. He is no longer your responsibility. You are not his mother. Find someone who is an equal partner, not a "project." Once you detach from the situation and see him for what he really was, you will feel better.

It gets better when you decide that you don't want to let memories of the past and regret hold you back from finding happiness in life. You are bogged down with memories of what you thought you had in him or hoped you would have with him. The best thing you can do is build a happy single life before you return to dating, become a happy single, prove to yourself that you can have a happy life solo, this is how you get over the idea that you lost something when the relationship ended. Once you find a way to rediscover joy in your current life, you will stop viewing the end of the relationship as a loss. You will look back on it as a chapter of your life that brought you many good things, good experiences and lessons but accept that it was finite because he wanted it to be and that was his right.

As someone who has problems letting go I allow myself the time I need. There is danger in getting stuck of course but all this has to be processed and it will always be there on some level like grief you get flashbacks etc. When it happens don't beat yourself up it is natural to feel stuck and have moments of feeling upset, just go with it then stop and do something else. It means they meant something to you and you are human.

Even people who treated us badly are often missed because they weren't all bad and they meant something. Some of us can't just switch off. I think planning future things helps, stopping talking about it with others and keeping it alive.

Just know what you are experiencing is normal and there is no calendar day that one should expect.

Just be kind to yourself.

Yeah, I guess that’s the thing. It’s normal to feel the way I feel, I’m not broken beyond repair.. I just feel like it should’ve been better by now 🙄 The Feedback Loop from Hell for ya’ 😑

Of course it's normal to hurt like worst kind of hell after a break up. How long it takes to heal is dependent on too many factors for me to say. What I'm going to say though, and it sure as hell won't be a popular opinion: in my experience, there IS a portion of truth in the saying 'the best way to get over a man is get under another'. I have found, in the course of my life, that until and unless I was in a new happy relationship the heartbreak of a failed one just did not leave, no matter what strategies I used to get over it. Friends and work and family and pampering yourself is all well and good but at the end of the day all these people have their own lives and partners and no matter what activities you did during the day you end up home alone at night.

I'd give myself as much time as you need to recover from the shock. I'd wait until the pain becomes 'new normal', so to speak. How long that will take I cannot tell you. But then I'd pick myself up, dust myself down and start dating again. Because if you spend the next 10 years sitting home alone grieving and reading books on break ups... nothing will ever change for the better for you.

I think I just feel that I should’ve gotten more over it by now, and that just adds to the feeling of being a failure. But I guess I’m not that abnormal there, that’s comforting to know at least.. :)

No, you're not abnormal. The first year after a breakup is tough because every time you start to believe you're reaching higher ground, some holiday or birthday triggers what feels like a backslide. It's a year of reclaiming milestones, and while you never 'lose' any of your progress, it certainly feels like it from time to time.

The bad times get fewer and farther between as healing starts to take hold. I think it's easier for people who WANT to challenge themselves to adopt strength as opposed to those who isolate to protect their wallowing and just keep drilling themselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

My last breakup took me about a year to get over, but I felt my healing accelerate when I made it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself. That was an internal decision that moved my focus forward. I'd still indulge occasional boo-hoos with the tissue box, but I gave myself little goals every day that moved my focus TOWARD something rather than continually struggling to pull 'away' from misery.

That made all the difference for me, along with a desire to avoid causing worry in the people who love me. I stepped up 'for them' and made our time together about them-not-me. I avoided venting, and instead I showed up with the purpose of creating great memories for others while I was unable to enjoy much myself. This paid off in ways that can only be experienced rather than imagined. It kept me grounded, it kept me focused beyond myself, and it taught me the value of listening to others instead of being 'on' all the time. I didn't have the energy to entertain, so that part of me relaxed in the background while I stopped talking and listened to others talk about themselves. This opened my eyes to the subtle and important exchanges of loving energy that raised gratitude and made me feel valuable and capable of offering attention and love to others. This is important stuff when you're tenderized by grief, and it's not an obvious benefit to be gained when you believe that you're just trying to distract yourself.

Healing really does transform a person who is open to being transformed.

Head high, you can do this.

For myself, I'm currently in a third phase, with each phase being better than the last. During the first two phases, I was receiving regular therapy, though I had to stop after I entered the third phase because of lack of insurance.

The first phase, I was in absolute and total agony, and this lasted for about 3 months. During this phase, I spent about 3 hours a day crying, maintained contact with her (and thus kept getting hurt by contact with her, especially when the suspicions that the "it might be someone else" turned into "it was someone else"), and completely tore myself down (and rebuilt myself in the process), blaming myself for everything and hating everything about how I had been (which.. was unfair to me, as it was a result of PTSD and ongoing severe domestic abuse/violence I'd been experiencing from family issues).

The second phase lasted about 5-6 months, I was not hurting as much and I was enjoying things again, but I was so jaded. I was very upset/mad about everything, and as my environment got worse for me, I became both self-destructive and unable to continue a lot of things. I avoided contact with her, but I did not block her, and she was regularly sending me bread crumbs that continued to hurt me deeply and set me back. I was still rebuilding myself in a lot of ways, but I was reaching comfort with who I knew I really was.

I've been in the third phase now for about 6-7 months now, and I *think* I might be done with it in the next few months, but I don't know and it's best to always be cautious with your own feelings. It started shortly after the familial issues finally ended (they'd been going on for 8 years, with the last 4 years having been exceptionally bad) and I decided to block my ex. I've been focused on "taking a break" from all the stresses in life and just being myself, and while now I have to end that because of some needs, it's overall been very helpful. I still miss my ex, I still have a belief and some hope that we could work things out. I also reached out to contact her twice, but both times it was something I took weeks to decide on and it was to let her know about things that I'd felt she should know, and while those contacts did set me back a bit, I don't regret making them and I feel it was the right decision. Right now I am focused on achieving some of my goals.

Maybe I'll be ready to date again when I'm in my 4th phase, when I think I'll feel happy with myself and my situation, and not really have much feelings left for the late relationship.

No, you're not abnormal. The first year after a breakup is tough because every time you start to believe you're reaching higher ground, some holiday or birthday triggers what feels like a backslide. It's a year of reclaiming milestones, and while you never 'lose' any of your progress, it certainly feels like it from time to time.

 

The bad times get fewer and farther between as healing starts to take hold. I think it's easier for people who WANT to challenge themselves to adopt strength as opposed to those who isolate to protect their wallowing and just keep drilling themselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

My last breakup took me about a year to get over, but I felt my healing accelerate when I made it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself. That was an internal decision that moved my focus forward. I'd still indulge occasional boo-hoos with the tissue box, but I gave myself little goals every day that moved my focus TOWARD something rather than continually struggling to pull 'away' from misery.

 

That made all the difference for me, along with a desire to avoid causing worry in the people who love me. I stepped up 'for them' and made our time together about them-not-me. I avoided venting, and instead I showed up with the purpose of creating great memories for others while I was unable to enjoy much myself. This paid off in ways that can only be experienced rather than imagined. It kept me grounded, it kept me focused beyond myself, and it taught me the value of listening to others instead of being 'on' all the time. I didn't have the energy to entertain, so that part of me relaxed in the background while I stopped talking and listened to others talk about themselves. This opened my eyes to the subtle and important exchanges of loving energy that raised gratitude and made me feel valuable and capable of offering attention and love to others. This is important stuff when you're tenderized by grief, and it's not an obvious benefit to be gained when you believe that you're just trying to distract yourself.

 

Healing really does transform a person who is open to being transformed.

 

Head high, you can do this.

I have to agree with this. My first year of recovery didn't really start until I got some distance from my ex (upstairs neighbor, moved on quickly after breakup) and distracted myself from my pain through something through work, buying/fixing a house. The tough part was the acceptance that her heart belonged to another and my anger with myself for ignoring red flags throughout the relationship. While some people say they have an occasional backslide, I was backsliding all the time until I got some counseling.

I've said this many times out here so here I go again: One of the biggest challenges to getting the time and distance from an ex (when you're still in love with them but they're gone) is social media. For me it was an instantaneous way to check out what they're up to and perpetuates the false hope of reconciliation that is really the biggest blocker to moving forward. Here's the other thing: What if you find out that they break up with the new person and they don't reach out to you? Then the process starts all over again. Ask me how I know.....

Get off of social media if you want to move forward. You don't need to know what they're up to and vice versa.

Now that I've fully recovered and am in a new promising relationship (with someone that is everything my ex is not!), I wasn't ready for the next step until I used time and distance away from the ex to commit to time working on myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. It took about a year and a half but in the end I'm much happier with the man I've become through reading about relationships, psychology and communications between partners and being able to apply that to the modern dating world and to my current relationship.

Also, start a daily journal. If I ever get the urge to know what my ex is up to, I refer back to the ones that I wrote during my recovery (instead of looking for her on social media) to remind me of the painful process of recovery. When I do this, I ask myself: "Why would I go through this again? She hasn't changed and it would be the same experience but shorter the second time around....". It allows you to see how far you've come and how you are presently more focused on things that are far more critical than your self-pity, mitigation of fear-based control anxiety and false hope that they'll come back begging for you. It gives you the ability to objectively assess where your were and where you are now.

Good luck to all of you that are hurting. It will get better.........but never go back for leftovers. You're better than that and that's all your ex truly is......

I have to agree with this. My first year of recovery didn't really start until I got some distance from my ex (upstairs neighbor, moved on quickly after breakup) and distracted myself from my pain through something through work, buying/fixing a house. The tough part was the acceptance that her heart belonged to another and my anger with myself for ignoring red flags throughout the relationship. While some people say they have an occasional backslide, I was backsliding all the time until I got some counseling.

 

I've said this many times out here so here I go again: One of the biggest challenges to getting the time and distance from an ex (when you're still in love with them but they're gone) is social media. For me it was an instantaneous way to check out what they're up to and perpetuates the false hope of reconciliation that is really the biggest blocker to moving forward. Here's the other thing: What if you find out that they break up with the new person and they don't reach out to you? Then the process starts all over again. Ask me how I know.....

 

Get off of social media if you want to move forward. You don't need to know what they're up to and vice versa.

 

Now that I've fully recovered and am in a new promising relationship (with someone that is everything my ex is not!), I wasn't ready for the next step until I used time and distance away from the ex to commit to time working on myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. It took about a year and a half but in the end I'm much happier with the man I've become through reading about relationships, psychology and communications between partners and being able to apply that to the modern dating world and to my current relationship.

 

Also, start a daily journal. If I ever get the urge to know what my ex is up to, I refer back to the ones that I wrote during my recovery (instead of looking for her on social media) to remind me of the painful process of recovery. When I do this, I ask myself: "Why would I go through this again? She hasn't changed and it would be the same experience but shorter the second time around....". It allows you to see how far you've come and how you are presently more focused on things that are far more critical than your self-pity, mitigation of fear-based control anxiety and false hope that they'll come back begging for you. It gives you the ability to objectively assess where your were and where you are now.

 

Good luck to all of you that are hurting. It will get better.........but never go back for leftovers. You're better than that and that's all your ex truly is......

I’ve manager to stay off all types of social media that my ex frequents. I deleted him off everything the day he told me we were through. I’ve had some curiosity to check his FBpage out occasionally, but I’ve never done it.. It only hurts me.. He has my number..

He actually once sent me a picture of a dental appointment sent to his address (our address...), and I replied to that with “Give your mother these, I don’t want to hear from you”..

My real problem with social media are all the damn pictures 🙄 And that I want to stay in touch with his family.. Grrrrr

I gave up contact with his family; it felt like going against the current of my life.

My path to feel better... I identified my choices so that I could say that I hurt myself via my choices, and in that way I took ownership of my experience. That is important for me, to see that I am not a victim and to see that I have control over what happens to me. This helps me see how I might make different choices and why. This opportunity to learn makes me see that I have gained something I needed. The relationship - even if short lived - had a purpose. Identifying that gives me a new focal point. My focus begins to shift to learning new skills, and that is forward looking, and leads to feeling happier than before the relationship began.

I gave up contact with his family; it felt like going against the current of my life.

 

My path to feel better... I identified my choices so that I could say that I hurt myself via my choices, and in that way I took ownership of my experience. That is important for me, to see that I am not a victim and to see that I have control over what happens to me. This helps me see how I might make different choices and why. This opportunity to learn makes me see that I have gained something I needed. The relationship - even if short lived - had a purpose. Identifying that gives me a new focal point. My focus begins to shift to learning new skills, and that is forward looking, and leads to feeling happier than before the relationship began.

Hmm, that’s admirable! I don’t even know how to get to that point. I don’t even know if that’s what I want...

I have a good friend that also went through a breakup recently. She told me that she wished she was as strong and independent and capable as me. That is she’d get to where I was she’d be happy... But I don’t WANT to have to be strong and independent and all that. I know I can if I have to, I am all that right now. I am not dependent on anyone, not financially or to make the everyday life go together. But I don’t want any of it! I want someone to want to stay. Want to take care of me. Want to give me the opportunity to be the weak one... Not because I need it, because I want it.

I guess it’s kinda ambivalent... 🙄

And contact with his family is also multi-sided. It’s frakin’ hard, but also so nice. They feel as close as my own family. AND, I’d admit, it’s just the only thing I can do to make him feel a little bad... That’s a nice side effect, although I admit it’s probably a vindictive side of me that people might argue is something that holds me back, and makes me unable to let him go... The whole “his journey is not yours anymore” is one of the hardest things.

If I may speak plainly, and going way out on a limb here:

The purpose of this dark tunnel may be to propel you into a different mindset. Being taken care of is a luxury, for sure, but it comes at the cost of self governance among other things. I suggest you think of responsibility as a reward, and think of challenge as opportunity to discover how much resourcefulness is within you.

Nobody ever - ever - will allow you to be their dependent without it taking a toll on your relationship. Financially? Sure, someone may well provide for your financial security. But if you look for someone to take care of you, you will find someone who will take liberties elsewhere with money or intimacy leaking out of the marriage (presuming). It is difficult to create a long-term relationship with someone who has given up his or her personal power.

So... do you mourn the person, the relationship, or the possibility of being taken care of? If its the latter, then you objectified him. What you mourn is a resource, a way to meet a need that you would otherwise have to meet yourself. That isn't love, that's a transaction, and it means you objectify yourself too by entering into it.

The dark tunnel will stay dark, and will repeat itself, until you learn its lesson. Because all humans are responsible for themselves, I suggest this may be the lesson meant for you at this time.

Its tough to look at ones own future and realize it is up to us to make it happen. That doesn't make it untrue.