Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 41

Thread: When did it get better for you?

  1. #11
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Posts
    496
    Here's my story: nearly 29 years of marriage. There were good times and bad times. I gave him my heart and my soul. I became aware early on in the marriage that he was insecure even though he put up a good front. In fact, he was downright arrogant, verbally and emotionally abusive, and disrespectful and it got worse with time. I accepted who and what he was. For better Why? Not totally sure but I took my wedding vows seriously (you know, the part that states "...for better, for worse...". And, I actually felt bad (sorry?) for him. He told me he wanted a divorce last May so it's been 8 months now. No need to go into details as to why. I was totally devastated at first. I didn't think a human could shed so many tears. I could barely eat, sleep, function, etc

    I have allowed myself to go through the different phases of the grieving process. I know what I am feeling is normal. But, I seem to be stuck at the anger phase right now. There are days that I simply am unable to accept the fact that he threw me to the curb. His rejection hurt more than I can describe. But, I am happy to say that I feel much, much, much better now because I am no longer subjected to all his sh*t. I know I am responsible for my own happiness but I am not completely there yet. There are days when I feel lonely. I am still too raw. Like your situation, his mom and his sister and her family love me and for that, I am deeply grateful. I have only three friends now because all the people that I know are spouses or friends of people that he works with. I reached out to a couple of them hoping that they would continue to be my friends but they've turned their backs to me. I realise now that they are not genuine friends. That hurts but such is life.

    In summary, I also will guarantee you that you will feel better in time. Personally, I don't think you gave yourself enough time to heal before dating. Like the other posters said, each person will heal at different times, depending on many variables. BUT, you too will heal at some point. I promise you! Hugs.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Posts
    9,233
    Gender
    Female
    There are some theories that it takes have the duration of a relationship to get over it.
    I think it really depends on the relationship itself and a lot of other factors. Each situation is unique.
    Just know what you are experiencing is normal and there is no calendar day that one should expect.
    Just be kind to yourself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    2,324
    Gender
    Female
    Imo, there is no set timeframe. It gets better when you begin to see the relationship for what it really was i.e.once you take them off the pedestal. Based on what you wrote, this guy sounds like a major wuss, who keeps choosing women who treat him like a child that needs "protection". Her looking at your blog and having the entitlement to tell you what you can and cannot write sounds messed up. No self-respecting male would keep picking women that treat him like a minor and have the audacity to interfere like that. You lost nobody special.

    Having said that you were also part of this unhealthy dynamic. You treated him like a teenager and guess what; teenagers rebel, they grow up and leave the nest. Imo, your relationship sounds co-depend and you are better off without it. You now have the chance to find an actual adult. The million dollar question though is whether you will learn from it so as not to keep picking manchildren that will keep leaving you once they outgrow you. Sorry to sound harsh but even now you talk about him and his parents as if he is a child. This guy is stuck on a pattern of surrounding himself with people who treat him as if he is underage e.g. his parents, you, his new girlfriend. You have the chance to escape all this malarkey.

    Take this manchild off the pedestal and cut all contact with his parents or whoever is feeding you information that keeps you stuck in all this stupid drama. Learning new info about him is what keeps you stuck. It is a form of breaking no contact and it prolongs your misery. He is no longer your responsibility. You are not his mother. Find someone who is an equal partner, not a "project." Once you detach from the situation and see him for what he really was, you will feel better.
    Last edited by Clio; 02-05-2019 at 07:30 PM.

  4. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    30
    It gets better when you decide that you don't want to let memories of the past and regret hold you back from finding happiness in life. You are bogged down with memories of what you thought you had in him or hoped you would have with him. The best thing you can do is build a happy single life before you return to dating, become a happy single, prove to yourself that you can have a happy life solo, this is how you get over the idea that you lost something when the relationship ended. Once you find a way to rediscover joy in your current life, you will stop viewing the end of the relationship as a loss. You will look back on it as a chapter of your life that brought you many good things, good experiences and lessons but accept that it was finite because he wanted it to be and that was his right.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    225
    As someone who has problems letting go I allow myself the time I need. There is danger in getting stuck of course but all this has to be processed and it will always be there on some level like grief you get flashbacks etc. When it happens don't beat yourself up it is natural to feel stuck and have moments of feeling upset, just go with it then stop and do something else. It means they meant something to you and you are human.

    Even people who treated us badly are often missed because they weren't all bad and they meant something. Some of us can't just switch off. I think planning future things helps, stopping talking about it with others and keeping it alive.

  7. #16
    Member Flipp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Location
    Norway
    Posts
    27
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Just know what you are experiencing is normal and there is no calendar day that one should expect.
    Just be kind to yourself.
    Yeah, I guess that’s the thing. It’s normal to feel the way I feel, I’m not broken beyond repair.. I just feel like it should’ve been better by now 🙄 The Feedback Loop from Hell for ya’ 😑

  8. #17
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    189
    Gender
    Female
    Of course it's normal to hurt like worst kind of hell after a break up. How long it takes to heal is dependent on too many factors for me to say. What I'm going to say though, and it sure as hell won't be a popular opinion: in my experience, there IS a portion of truth in the saying 'the best way to get over a man is get under another'. I have found, in the course of my life, that until and unless I was in a new happy relationship the heartbreak of a failed one just did not leave, no matter what strategies I used to get over it. Friends and work and family and pampering yourself is all well and good but at the end of the day all these people have their own lives and partners and no matter what activities you did during the day you end up home alone at night.

    I'd give myself as much time as you need to recover from the shock. I'd wait until the pain becomes 'new normal', so to speak. How long that will take I cannot tell you. But then I'd pick myself up, dust myself down and start dating again. Because if you spend the next 10 years sitting home alone grieving and reading books on break ups... nothing will ever change for the better for you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,234
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Flipp
    I think I just feel that I should’ve gotten more over it by now, and that just adds to the feeling of being a failure. But I guess I’m not that abnormal there, that’s comforting to know at least.. :)
    No, you're not abnormal. The first year after a breakup is tough because every time you start to believe you're reaching higher ground, some holiday or birthday triggers what feels like a backslide. It's a year of reclaiming milestones, and while you never 'lose' any of your progress, it certainly feels like it from time to time.

    The bad times get fewer and farther between as healing starts to take hold. I think it's easier for people who WANT to challenge themselves to adopt strength as opposed to those who isolate to protect their wallowing and just keep drilling themselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    My last breakup took me about a year to get over, but I felt my healing accelerate when I made it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself. That was an internal decision that moved my focus forward. I'd still indulge occasional boo-hoos with the tissue box, but I gave myself little goals every day that moved my focus TOWARD something rather than continually struggling to pull 'away' from misery.

    That made all the difference for me, along with a desire to avoid causing worry in the people who love me. I stepped up 'for them' and made our time together about them-not-me. I avoided venting, and instead I showed up with the purpose of creating great memories for others while I was unable to enjoy much myself. This paid off in ways that can only be experienced rather than imagined. It kept me grounded, it kept me focused beyond myself, and it taught me the value of listening to others instead of being 'on' all the time. I didn't have the energy to entertain, so that part of me relaxed in the background while I stopped talking and listened to others talk about themselves. This opened my eyes to the subtle and important exchanges of loving energy that raised gratitude and made me feel valuable and capable of offering attention and love to others. This is important stuff when you're tenderized by grief, and it's not an obvious benefit to be gained when you believe that you're just trying to distract yourself.

    Healing really does transform a person who is open to being transformed.

    Head high, you can do this.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2018
    Posts
    265
    For myself, I'm currently in a third phase, with each phase being better than the last. During the first two phases, I was receiving regular therapy, though I had to stop after I entered the third phase because of lack of insurance.

    The first phase, I was in absolute and total agony, and this lasted for about 3 months. During this phase, I spent about 3 hours a day crying, maintained contact with her (and thus kept getting hurt by contact with her, especially when the suspicions that the "it might be someone else" turned into "it was someone else"), and completely tore myself down (and rebuilt myself in the process), blaming myself for everything and hating everything about how I had been (which.. was unfair to me, as it was a result of PTSD and ongoing severe domestic abuse/violence I'd been experiencing from family issues).

    The second phase lasted about 5-6 months, I was not hurting as much and I was enjoying things again, but I was so jaded. I was very upset/mad about everything, and as my environment got worse for me, I became both self-destructive and unable to continue a lot of things. I avoided contact with her, but I did not block her, and she was regularly sending me bread crumbs that continued to hurt me deeply and set me back. I was still rebuilding myself in a lot of ways, but I was reaching comfort with who I knew I really was.

    I've been in the third phase now for about 6-7 months now, and I *think* I might be done with it in the next few months, but I don't know and it's best to always be cautious with your own feelings. It started shortly after the familial issues finally ended (they'd been going on for 8 years, with the last 4 years having been exceptionally bad) and I decided to block my ex. I've been focused on "taking a break" from all the stresses in life and just being myself, and while now I have to end that because of some needs, it's overall been very helpful. I still miss my ex, I still have a belief and some hope that we could work things out. I also reached out to contact her twice, but both times it was something I took weeks to decide on and it was to let her know about things that I'd felt she should know, and while those contacts did set me back a bit, I don't regret making them and I feel it was the right decision. Right now I am focused on achieving some of my goals.

    Maybe I'll be ready to date again when I'm in my 4th phase, when I think I'll feel happy with myself and my situation, and not really have much feelings left for the late relationship.
    Last edited by 11moreweeks; 02-08-2019 at 02:24 AM.

  11. #20
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    610
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    No, you're not abnormal. The first year after a breakup is tough because every time you start to believe you're reaching higher ground, some holiday or birthday triggers what feels like a backslide. It's a year of reclaiming milestones, and while you never 'lose' any of your progress, it certainly feels like it from time to time.

    The bad times get fewer and farther between as healing starts to take hold. I think it's easier for people who WANT to challenge themselves to adopt strength as opposed to those who isolate to protect their wallowing and just keep drilling themselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    My last breakup took me about a year to get over, but I felt my healing accelerate when I made it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous future for myself. That was an internal decision that moved my focus forward. I'd still indulge occasional boo-hoos with the tissue box, but I gave myself little goals every day that moved my focus TOWARD something rather than continually struggling to pull 'away' from misery.

    That made all the difference for me, along with a desire to avoid causing worry in the people who love me. I stepped up 'for them' and made our time together about them-not-me. I avoided venting, and instead I showed up with the purpose of creating great memories for others while I was unable to enjoy much myself. This paid off in ways that can only be experienced rather than imagined. It kept me grounded, it kept me focused beyond myself, and it taught me the value of listening to others instead of being 'on' all the time. I didn't have the energy to entertain, so that part of me relaxed in the background while I stopped talking and listened to others talk about themselves. This opened my eyes to the subtle and important exchanges of loving energy that raised gratitude and made me feel valuable and capable of offering attention and love to others. This is important stuff when you're tenderized by grief, and it's not an obvious benefit to be gained when you believe that you're just trying to distract yourself.

    Healing really does transform a person who is open to being transformed.

    Head high, you can do this.
    I have to agree with this. My first year of recovery didn't really start until I got some distance from my ex (upstairs neighbor, moved on quickly after breakup) and distracted myself from my pain through something through work, buying/fixing a house. The tough part was the acceptance that her heart belonged to another and my anger with myself for ignoring red flags throughout the relationship. While some people say they have an occasional backslide, I was backsliding all the time until I got some counseling.

    I've said this many times out here so here I go again: One of the biggest challenges to getting the time and distance from an ex (when you're still in love with them but they're gone) is social media. For me it was an instantaneous way to check out what they're up to and perpetuates the false hope of reconciliation that is really the biggest blocker to moving forward. Here's the other thing: What if you find out that they break up with the new person and they don't reach out to you? Then the process starts all over again. Ask me how I know.....

    Get off of social media if you want to move forward. You don't need to know what they're up to and vice versa.

    Now that I've fully recovered and am in a new promising relationship (with someone that is everything my ex is not!), I wasn't ready for the next step until I used time and distance away from the ex to commit to time working on myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. It took about a year and a half but in the end I'm much happier with the man I've become through reading about relationships, psychology and communications between partners and being able to apply that to the modern dating world and to my current relationship.

    Also, start a daily journal. If I ever get the urge to know what my ex is up to, I refer back to the ones that I wrote during my recovery (instead of looking for her on social media) to remind me of the painful process of recovery. When I do this, I ask myself: "Why would I go through this again? She hasn't changed and it would be the same experience but shorter the second time around....". It allows you to see how far you've come and how you are presently more focused on things that are far more critical than your self-pity, mitigation of fear-based control anxiety and false hope that they'll come back begging for you. It gives you the ability to objectively assess where your were and where you are now.

    Good luck to all of you that are hurting. It will get better.........but never go back for leftovers. You're better than that and that's all your ex truly is......

Page 2 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •