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Thread: Should I stay or should I go now?

  1. #1

    Should I stay or should I go now?

    So long story not short lol

    I've been with my once fiance/ now bf for about 5 yrs now and we live together and work together.

    Well I've been home sick from a concussion and I've been feeling bad about it since i'm not working so I've been cleaning around the house and doing laundry and doing dishes and cooking so that way my bf doesn't have to do anything when he comes home and the only thing he has to do is shovel. (He's nice enough to not let me shovel because he says I'll make my back worse).

    There's this form that he had to fill out since before Xmas for work and I've been reminding him every once in a while because he tends to forget about things. (He has to go across the street and get the neighbour to sign it) well my boss sent me an email the other day from the governmental department saying that if they don't get that form in 3 days they will close the account and we would have to re-apply and that took a me while to get it started so my boss wanted me to help him remember so I reminded him again, the thing is I hate reminding him because he hates it and gets mad when I do because he doesn't like getting pushed but I do it anyways because my boss will be mad. So I feel stuck. Well yesterday he calls me from work and asks me if i mind going to get his form signed since he forgot and that he only has one day to do it? Well deep inside I was screaming because I was real annoyed that it came to this. Honestly if I didn't have to remind him of everything i would of.went in a jiffy! But the fact that I have to remind him of every little thing I wanted to let this one go. I Iove when men take care of their own stuff and are responsible and mature and don't need to be treated like a child and reminded to do their stuff so this really triggered me. I said ok sure, he asked if I was ok and I lied and said yes because if I would of told him right there what I was thinking he would of been mad and would of tried to find a reason to blame me for it and turn it around on me somehow. (When he's mad I guess he uses me as a punching bag (figuratively not literally).
    I hang up and he texts me are you upset? And I text back im kinda disappointed. Then he says im sorry but im exhausted and I feel like im gonna have a burnout (see how he doesn't ask why im disappointed or why im bothered and tries to make me feel bad instead?) then I ask why what's wrong? and he says you're sick so you can't really do anything so I have to do more work (pick up groceries) and im really exausted and I feel like I need help but I feel like you don't wanna. (Trying to make me feel more bad for him and forgot that I was bothered about the form). He's been picking up food during lunch when he goes out shopping and then I cook it.

    Im feeling more annoyed because During weekends he doesn't do anything but play video games and hang out while im worrying about cleaning the fridge and the bath and putting stuff away and worrying about shoveling all the snow off the gazebo before it collapses and cleaning and laundry and what to make for supper and blah blah blah always! He's told me at the beginning of our relationship I forget things so if you ask me to do it I'll do it but im tired of being the brain and having to think of it all. It would be nice if I would see him washing the toilet alone without me having to ask him 3 times. He does do the dishes about once or twice a month that feels nice!



    So when he says he's exausted from having to do groceries while im at home with a concussion doing his laundry and dishes and cleaning and making supper it makes me feel bothered so I ask him what would you do with kids ? Im not asking him this out of spite but I really want to know Because I honestly feel like it will be like this with kids he'll just say that he's exausted and get mad at me because I don't help enough ever but I do alot!

    Now Im feeling stressed because i have to miss work and on top of that I have to pay for chiro and physio and I won't have money soon since i'm missing so much work and im sore and im trying to do more so that he's less exausted because I don't want him to be mad and now he says hes exausted so I feel like i have more pressure on me now. He's offered to give me money but whenever he does something nice for me he always uses it against me later on so I'd rather avoid those situations completely. (When we met I was severely allergic to his dog so much that my eyes were bleeding from being so cut and dry from the reaction and I had a hard time opening my eyes from being so swollen so he gave up his dog for me, it was hard for him and I felt awful but that was the only way that we could love together.) Now he brings it up all the time when we fight, that he gave up his dog for me so I should treat him better.


    Well I tell him again that the forms annoys me because it was his responsibility but then it ends up being my responsibility because he didn't take care of it like he was suppose to. But then he says that I don't care about him and that he understands that he's on his own.. so what started with me telling him something bothered me about him turned into me not caring..?. (Trying to make me feel bad again)

    This is what he does I tell him something that bugs me about him and he ends up trying to make me feel bad about something else.

    He says I don't care and I try to tell him that i do and I try to show him that i care by doing all those things for him but he says that he feels like I still don't care because I didn't get up and make him coffee in the morning before he goes to work!

    I feel like nomatter what I do is never enough for him and instead of looking at the positive and things that make him happy he tries to find something that makes him unhappy by blaming me for something and I always end up feeling down about things that I don't do well enough instead of things that i do well.

    Alot of times when I tell him how I feel I end up feeling cornered not knowing what to feel or think anymore and get confused about what we were talking about in the first place, I feel like I always give in and never get listened to. I ended up making him a coffee and giving him a massage to show him that I care but me being annoyed about the form never was mentioned again? I guess I wish that it would of went like this:

    Me: im kinda dissapointed
    Him: why what's wrong?
    Me: well I feel annoyed because this was your responsibility and you waited till the last minute and now it's my responsibility and I wish that you would of just taken care of it
    Him: im sorry next time I'll make sure to take care of it babe your right it's not your responsibility but do you mind just doing it this time for me?
    Me: Sure!

    Instead it goes like this

    Me: im kinda dissapointed
    Him: im sorry but i think im gonna have a burnout soon
    Me: thinking ok but what about me?
    Him: me me me me me

    So in conclusion I guess I know what type of person he is im just having a hard time letting go because he's the only man that's ever been thoughtful of me and I love that side of him, but I know deep inside that it's never going to work but im scared to let go and need people to tell me? Lol thanks everyone for reading and your support :0)

    PS sorry it was so long lol.

  2. #2
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    It sounds like your relationship is one sided. You shouldnít be doing anything but taking it easy with a concussion. I donít think you are in a healthy relationship if you canít even communicate your needs about the form or your feelings. I advise you stop cooking and cleaning and take care of your health. You need to come first. If he throws a fit that just proves how much of a jerk he is.

    Please re-evaluate your relationship itís not going to get better.

  3. #3
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    Please don't bring kids into this. This man seems to have difficulty in accepting his shortcomings and hides by telling you you don't care enough. He screwed up, it's not coffee and massage time because he screwed up. He needs to work on improving, instead he talks his way into you doing more. I'm for you leaving this guy.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Peter Pan and Wendy. You need to stop playing into 'forgetting' procrastinating, undermining sabotaging and other passive-aggressive behaviors. Read up on it. You can change him, you can only change yourself. Stop mothering. Stop being the heavy. Let him do all the same chores you do. Go to physical therapy, the gym, yoga classes, etc if you are out on sick leave/disability. Get out of the house with the bathroom dirty, the laundry undone, no food in the fridge, no dinner, etc and go out with friends. In others words act don't nag.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    When you canít tell your partner that theyíve upset you because youíre afraid theyíll just get mad at you....itís time to leave the relationship.

  7. #6
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    He sounds like a selfish, manipulative, irresponsible jerk!

    He behaves like a child. I would have gotten tired of that really quickly. What would happen if you didn't remind him of things? I think you also enable his behaviour.

    You are sick and should be resting. Also, the work that you do, is work.

    Why are you no longer engaged?
    I'm sorry, that he has been your best partner, as he sounds awful. I would leave!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You say that you are attracted to and like a man who takes responsibility for himself. This guy you are with is the polar opposite of that. He'll shift blame, deflect, deny, manipulate, and play victim. So, why waste any more of your time and life on someone who is the complete opposite of what you want?

    As for he is good to you. Read what you wrote back to yourself. It's kind of hard to see what he does once in a blue moon that's so good, that it outweighs the bad. I mean, what he does for you is less than mediocre. Not really a high standard to replace and improve on.

    In short, move on already. You are doing way too much, he doesn't do enough. If you are home with a concussion, you should be resting instead of doing chores. Poor guy thinks picking up groceries is too exhausting for him? It's so bad it's funny. Stop putting up with this bs and stop hoping that he'll suddenly morph into a totally different person and be who you want him to be. Not going to happen.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're in an abusive situation and sadly already so brainwashed from it you are still acting like a slave and punching bag.

    Enlist the help of all your trusted friends and family to get out of this. It will get Much Worse, not better.

    Start now to sever ties financially. Separate all accounts. Change all your passwords. Get your own bank accounts and credit cards solely in your name. Start moving things to a trusted friend or relatives home. Change your address especially drivers licence insurance and all important accounts and have all important mail send to the trusted person's home. Only allow junk mail to arrive to arrive there.

    After you change all your passwords start doing more online. If you own the place move to evict him, if he owns it move to severe everything and get your name off any joint bills. Every day do some of this. Stop being his slave and you'll have the time to. Every day move things out. Every day take a step toward extricating yourself. Everyday get in your car and go to a friend/relative and start being honest about the abuse and enlist their help.

    Stop talking to him!. Do not let him know what's going on or what you are planning or doing. You have a concussion, a normal partner would feel empathy. A sociopath abuser's mind thinks like a shark, they sense blood - they sense weakness and an enhanced opportunity to take full advantage of the situation for themselves. "Talking to him about your feelings" is like talking to a shark about why you need your arm or leg. It Does Not Register.
    Originally Posted by Mel20192019
    When he's mad I guess he uses me as a punching bag.

  11. #10
    Thanks so much everybody, it's nice to hear all these things, it means alot, you tend to forget what bad things are happening because you get so used to it... I never had a normal relationship where I was respected, my first one wouldn't talk to me and he would ignore me and was verbally abusive and my second one was controlling, verbally abusive, manipulating, immature, and selfish so I don't know what nice is suppose to be! Nobodies perfect! Im really sad and feel torn up inside and confused. He's the only one I've ever been with who actually thinks of me all the time and it feels really good, I was with my first love for 10 years and I left because he wasn't there for me emotionally and I thought you know what? Im going to find another man to be there for me emotionally AND have all his other characteristics, well I thought that other guys would be like him and boy was I wrong, I've been missing those qualities that HE had, so now when I think about leaving this guy im scared that im just doing the same thing all over again that I'll miss the way he makes me feel when he's nice. I feel like it's me because all three relationships have gone to s and they all tell me the same thing so maybe I have to listen and smarten up for once! But nomatter what I have this feeling inside me Im not sure what it is but it feels wrong and yucky, I just wish I knew how Im suppose to feel for once because I might never get this again! Im 31 and I feel like I should be married and have kids I don't wanna have to do all this again! If I keep looking for that perfect guy in never gonna find him because maybe it's me making them like this! Love all you guys that take your time out of your day to help me, it's really great.

    Thanks!

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