Jump to content

I think I like a man 20+ years older than me


emmybuns0610

Recommended Posts

My grandpa runs sober living apartments for veterans. This summer he started employing a man that was living in his sober housing, James. Hes off probation now and still sober and has moved from sober living to a place above his office building. I also help him with the sober living side of things. James and I have always had a banter that involved flirting because it was hilarious to see the look on my grandpas face. Sometimes I felt it wasnt always a joke. Right now is the busy season for my grandpas main business so he relys alot on James and I to handle the sober living. This involves us spending alot of time alone. Today was different than any other time we've been alone. Examples: we slid through a red light because of ice and he grabbed my hand because how terrified I was, but we didnt let go after it was over. We were hugging in the laundry mat and holding hands randomly. We went to a laundry mat that wasnt in our town. Well he drove there and I didnt say anything mostly because I knew that laundry mat wouldnt be busy.

I know he doesnt have long on this earth, not because his age (hes considerably young) but because his health. I'm considering letting him take it a step further and I'm not sure if it's because he makes me secure or the secret of everything. Is it wrong to go behind my grandpas back?

Link to comment

Do what makes you happy :) life is short, go and do what makes you happy. It isn’t surprising that something is starting to develop when you are both spending a lot of time together. Your grandpa will probably be concerned because of the sober aspect of things and James so just be aware of that.

Link to comment

Oh my...you're setting yourself up for some serious heartbreak and on top of it, doing it behind your granpas back. You know your grandpa wouldn't approve of this.

 

I can see why you're getting attached but at the same time, its not good if he is that sick, so obviously it won't end well.

 

You don't have to, but sit down and talk to you grandpa about it, see what he thinks. But to be honest, what do you hope to get out of this if the man is dying or in that bad of shape that he won't be around long?

Link to comment

Your grandfather loves you and wants the best for you. Chances are that he has good reasons to be against this. As for you, it sounds like you are bored and have noone closer to your age to associate with so you are willing to sell yourself short because right now, you have noone to compare him to. So even though he sounds like below standards, he wins by default, because there is zero competition. Based on what you wrote, he is too old for you, too sick and an ex addict. Plus, he is disrespecting your grandfather, going behind his back like that, which sounds dishonest and ungrateful. He knows that he has no future to offer to a young girl such as yourself, yet he seems willing to take advantage of your immaturity. Overall, he doesn't sound like a quality man and chances are that if you proceed you are going to regret this down the line. That's probably why your grandfather objects. Why not hold out for a young man who has not such baggage? You can date all the men with baggage you want when you get his age. Why limit your choices to so little from such a young age?

Link to comment
Why would you have to? Who needs to keep it a secret? Are you over 18?

 

My thoughts exactly. I mean you don't need to go running to your grandpa right away... get an idea of how you feel about this guy first... if this is an age appropriate relationship, the guy is one of good character, and you guys like each other, then there is no reason to hide what you are doing.

 

Your grandpa might not like your choice or might worry about it... and that's okay, that's what parents and grandparents do.

Link to comment

I would avoid any serious involvement. This man is living in a sober living facility - or just graduated from it - in otherwords, he has a history of alcohol ruining his life. No sex, no leading him on - no dates. you can be friendly, but i would not get stuck on this man who is inappropriate for you to be dating. I would make it a point to put yourself in a position to meet men who are emotionally healthier - not to mention a bit closer to your stage in life. Keep in mind, Grandpa knows these men or maybe if he doesn't know them all very closely and personally, he knows what men in this program go through and what characteristics they have, so please carefully consider what grandpa has to say - its not your typical "disapproving older generation person". Relationships sometimes make people relapse.

Link to comment

Ok then just be friends and your grandpa won't mind so no need to sneak around. By the way have you ever googled this guy for court records, convictions, arrests or checked the sex offender registry? That's all public and easy to look up. Run his name through google and your court system sites. Most clean as a whistle people don't end up in halfway housing.

I dont want anything serious with him neither would he. Just some fun. I'm 25
Link to comment
Ok then just be friends and your grandpa won't mind so no need to sneak around. By the way have you ever googled this guy for court records, convictions, arrests or checked the sex offender registry? That's all public and easy to look up. Run his name through google and your court system sites. Most clean as a whistle people don't end up in halfway housing.
Yes I have googled him. I saw his record when I got his paperwork for sober living. Hes a wonderful guy
Link to comment
Hes 14 months sober now

 

if he is in a sober living facility - then he is not the average guy who decided to give up alcohol for self improvement or a diet -- on the contrary, his life was utterly destroyed and that is why he is in a group home - he lost a spouse, relationships with kids, his home, etc. You are a naive child if you think that this is a great relationship or even someone to "have some fun" with. Because its not some boy that is here to study for 2 weeks and then going back to his home country -- and a summer romance would be a fun memory for both --- you will get attached or interrupt his sobriety.

Link to comment
if he is in a sober living facility - then he is not the average guy who decided to give up alcohol for self improvement or a diet -- on the contrary, his life was utterly destroyed and that is why he is in a group home - he lost a spouse, relationships with kids, his home, etc. You are a naive child if you think that this is a great relationship or even someone to "have some fun" with. Because its not some boy that is here to study for 2 weeks and then going back to his home country -- and a summer romance would be a fun memory for both --- you will get attached or interrupt his sobriety.
On the contrary. He is not in a group home or sober living at this point. He didnt destroy any relationships. His children love him and his ex wife passed away. If anything when hes stressed and I'm in the car he tells me I'm the reason hes not going to buy an 8 ball or alcohol. Hes protected me against alot of men who have got out if line when getting kicked out of their housing for not being sober or even when my own roommates have attacked me. I would never jeopardize his sobriety
Link to comment
Add into it if he has liver failure then you've got no idea what you're getting yourself into.

 

I think you're bored and have little to no options for a boyfriend so you're deciding to chase this man. But you really are asking for trouble.

My fiance died of liver failure last year. I know more than you think. I'm not bored or anything. Theres plenty of men I can be with but I chose not to
Link to comment
On the contrary. He is not in a group home or sober living at this point. He didnt destroy any relationships. His children love him and his ex wife passed away. If anything when hes stressed and I'm in the car he tells me I'm the reason hes not going to buy an 8 ball or alcohol. Hes protected me against alot of men who have got out if line when getting kicked out of their housing for not being sober or even when my own roommates have attacked me. I would never jeopardize his sobriety

 

Okay, you don't get it...

Whoa whoa whoa, dear. Please back the heck away. read the bolded. There is potential major codependency here. He is NOT sober if his reason for not drinking is some young chick he is trying to charm. it is not just "having fun" if this is how he thinks of you. And having him as your muscle instead of calling the cops or other adults in authority to help you if your roommate attacks you?Something is messed up here. Listen to Grandpa - this guy is no good for you

Link to comment
Okay, you don't get it...

Whoa whoa whoa, dear. Please back the heck away. read the bolded. There is potential major codependency here. He is NOT sober if his reason for not drinking is some young chick he is trying to charm. it is not just "having fun" if this is how he thinks of you. And having him as your muscle instead of calling the cops or other adults in authority to help you if your roommate attacks you?Something is messed up here. Listen to Grandpa - this guy is no good for you

Hes not being co dependent. He knows I'd be the one writing up the paperwork to kick him out and that's what stops him. He knows what awaits if he takes that step. Our jobs dont require us to call the cops when kicking someone out. In fact, the cops get annoyed when we ask for assistance and usually just say "take it to court" which is not a requirement in their lease and it's a waste of money and time for the judge to ultimately side with us. As for the roommates, I manage student housing with college kids who think they can over power me when it comes to paying rent so yes, having muscle behind me makes it easier for me to collect. I'm not going to call the cops to collect a rent check. I will have him, my uncles or someone else standing aside for when someone decides to get out of line. Again, you dont know this man. Hes incredible and has accomplished so much. For a few years he messed up, yes, but that doesnt mean he doesnt deserve happiness.
Link to comment
Hes not being co dependent. He knows I'd be the one writing up the paperwork to kick him out and that's what stops him. He knows what awaits if he takes that step. Our jobs dont require us to call the cops when kicking someone out. In fact, the cops get annoyed when we ask for assistance and usually just say "take it to court" which is not a requirement in their lease and it's a waste of money and time for the judge to ultimately side with us. As for the roommates, I manage student housing with college kids who think they can over power me when it comes to paying rent so yes, having muscle behind me makes it easier for me to collect. I'm not going to call the cops to collect a rent check. I will have him, my uncles or someone else standing aside for when someone decides to get out of line. Again, you dont know this man. Hes incredible and has accomplished so much. For a few years he messed up, yes, but that doesnt mean he doesnt deserve happiness.

 

 

You said when YOUR roommate attacked you.

ANd no - he should not be your muscle - you should call the campus authorities or cops in that case.

He should NOT be mixing with students if he is not someone who belongs on campus.

 

Do you understand what codependency is?

you don't if you just simply say "oh no, he is not"

He is making you responsible for his sobriety emotionally by telling you "you are the reason" for him not drinking.

 

I am not saying he doesn't deserve happiness - but that doesn't mean he should be dating YOU --if is 14 months sober - then he needs to stay that way and not get entangled with you at this particular point. And at one side, you admit he messed up, and on the other you say he didn't do anything - he didn't lose his home or family. Listen, if someone is in a sober living facility, they hit rock bottom. Because he is telling a young girl he only has known a short time that she is his reason for being sober -- he has not gotten passed the hump to say "oh he made mistakes and the past is the past". He is not out of the woods of relapse.

 

If you want someone to collect rent with you - take an uncle. Or send a certified letter in the mail so you have a paper trail. Do not get this guy further involved as your protector

Link to comment
OP, it seems you've already made up your mind what you want so I'm not too sure why you started this thread in the first place? You just wanted to hear what you wanted to hear?
Over the past week things have become a little more clear. I wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with this sort of thing as well
Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...