Continually break up and get back together.

Please forgive the length of this. I have been with my SO for nearly three years. We were happy for a long time until we had a few arguments and he told his friends some things about us. From that moment on, this one friend has hated me. He calls me names and my SO never defended me. He kept telling my SO to break up with me. I wasn’t good for him, etc.

I have always put my SO first in everything I do and went out of my way to help him when he needed it. I bought furniture for his home, repaired his home because it was in bad shape and bailed him out of jail when he got a DUI.

He has been wishy washy for the last 9 months. He would break up, apologize profusely, come back, be good for awhile, act distracted, pull away, break up and repeat the cycle. I tried to tell him how it made me feel, but he can’t communicate with me. He always thought I was attacking him. I just asked for clarity so I knew what was going on. My emotions were all over the board including all the hatred pointed at Me from his friends. I was hurting and trying to figure it all out.

Two weekends ago we were arguing about his friend who showed up and he wanted to leave with him after I drove 3 hours to meet him. I was upset and asked him what he wanted me to do and he said he didn’t care. After he left with his friend... I drove back home. He didn’t call me for a week because he was upset I left!!! He asked me to come over this past weekend so I did. I wanted to see how he would treat me. He of course wanted sex immediately and wouldn’t even discuss what happened the previous weekend. I thought we were having a good time until I saw a text that came across from his friend asking if my SO had broke up with me or not. I was so hurt. I didn’t tell him what I saw and waited for 24 hours to see what he would do. Another text came across Sunday afternoon calling me S*** Head and why wouldn’t I just go away? We went out For lunch and on The way home I asked him if he wanted to break up and at first he said no. As I pushed him to be honest he finally said yes. I told him what I thought about his wishy washy ways, the problem I had about him not defending me when his friends called me names, etc.. When I got back to his home, I loaded up and drove home. I sent him a text and asked him not to call or text me again.. He texted me last night apologizing and said he was sorry we were over. He sent me a text this morning and I quote, “I'm very sorry. Your right about me. I appreciate everything you have done for me. I appreciate our time together. I'm really a messed up person right now. I let people control me and my decisions. Even if it's not what I really want. You have a good heart and mind and mine is not. I wish you could forgive me. You deserve much better. Sorry for what I have done. I wish I could change it. I brought this on myself. I always have made bad decisions and have paid for them. I hope your day is good.” What the heck? I am so confused. He broke up with me again and has been apologizing all day... just less than an hour ago he wrote “I’m sincerely sorry I was ugly. I wish you would believe me. Makes my heart hurt.”

I love this man but I don’t know how to even go on with this anymore... he would have to get rid of his friend who has always tried to break us up because of his jealousy of our relationship. I know in my heart he would never do that, though. Why is he apologizing?.. I don’t believe he wants to get back together again ... as he has in the past... please help with advice. I am struggling. Very sad.

Let's say for argument's sake that he never changes, and continuing to date him means continuing to ride this rollercoaster of "come here/go away". How much longer do you want to tolerate that? A month? A year? 5 years? 10?

The question is not do you love him, the question is does he love you? And more importantly, do you feel loved by him? I would feel very unsupported and afraid of further abandonment dating someone like that and personally think your best course of action would be to accept that this person is in no position to show up as a partner, but too selfish to leave you alone and block him/go no contact now so you can begin to heal and free up your life for someone who will show up and love you consistently.

To me what he's written is just an expression of the guilt he feels for how he treated you. I don't see anything in it that implies he wants to get back together.

OP, a big part of the problem is you: you keep letting this man mistreat you and keep letting him come back to do it again. You keep hoping for different results, when really, there seems to be no reason to hope for something better with this guy.

It's over, and it's been over a long time. You need to stop trying to please him and make him happy (fixing up his house, bailing him out of jail). That isn't the way to get someone to love you. It would be a far better use of your time to finally get away from this toxic relationship and spend some time on your own, learning to love yourself more.

This isn't going to be the man you stay with forever, nor should it. You need to set higher standards for yourself, girl.

You're with an abusive sociopath and you can not fix him, he will not change and this will only get worse.

You are playing the martyr and doing all the wrong things by trying to get a cold stone to "love you" by buying him stuff, bailing him out, helping him out etc.

You need to get out of this asap and get into therapy asap. You are being a doormat and you need to get help to find out why.

I have always put my SO first in everything I do and went out of my way to help him when he needed it. I bought furniture for his home, repaired his home because it was in bad shape and bailed him out of jail when he got a DUI.

Be done with this already!

He is abusive and does not respect or love you. Get some counseling and say away from this creep!

Stop using the friend as an excuse. It is your bf who is the problem!

Block and delete!

Block and delete please! He's just using you. Expect him to want to come back when it's convenient to him and he wants something but then dump you again when he doesn't need anymore. Really, he doesn't care. He's a selfish jerk!

Ew. What a disgusting creep. You should not be asking him if he wants to break up with you. You should be breaking up with him.

OP.. Do you believe a relationship should be this hard? Do you believe that it should be this rough? Do you believe it should have drama every single day or that you should have a panic attack or have your blood pressure rise at the thought of talking to your partner? If you said no, then you should leave this one and find another one. If you love the drama, pain, heart ache, then please stay in the relationship.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Think about it ....

What exactly do you get out of this abusive, toxic relationship? Do you thrive on the drama? This is who he is - he will NOT change. If this is what you want for the rest of your life, then by all means stay with him. If you don't want your future being toxic and dysfunctional, then you know what to do. No excuses.

He's a waste of your time and I'm wondering why you are even contemplating any of his BS texts. Its clear by your history with him that he has some sort of mental issue that you can't fix and he can't either because he's very clearly the type that won't go to therapy to help figure himself out.

You told him never to text you again and he can't even honor that very simple request. He doesn't value you and he doesn't respect you or your wishes. He will however take you back for the sex if you are with such low self-worth that you'd go and give it to him again.

Block and delete him and accept that he's the turd that he's shown you over and over again that he is. Surely you don't want what he puts you through as a lifestyle? Surely?