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Thread: Liveless mariage?

  1. #1
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    Liveless mariage?

    Hello all this is my first time writing. I am a 36 y.o. male and married to a 32 y.o. female. We have been together for around 8 years and married for 3.

    We've had an awesome start, where we wanted to be together all the time and couldn't get enough of each other. And it had been great for a very long time. We had arguments and fights, we're both passionate about stuff, but we handled it and for the majority of the relationship everything was peaches.

    3 years ago we got married and started trying to become parents. We succeeded and now have 2 children. The oldest is a 2 year old.

    Around halfway through the pregnancy of our oldest my wife started loosing sexual interest. She said it had to do with her feeling uneasy and bloated, so I could understand and tried not to make as much avances as I would normally. After the birth of our first we were not much intimate either and she became pregnant of our second. This pregnancy was fine but the birthing was horrible, I will spare the details but there was damage. So another good reason to not be together for a while in that way. But everything should be healed in a matter of weeks.

    And of course having 2 small kids and both working takes up all the time. So we don't get a lot of time to ourselves. I want to clarify at this point that my question does not only concern physical intimacy.

    Because of the busy lifes we have and the kids, we rarely get to do stuff together. And because of the practicality of the kids waking up at night and getting enough sleep ourselves, we sleep in different beds.

    I don't know if it matters at this point. There are too many things at this point that make me feel more like relatives than spouses. I started noticing she never uses a word like hunny or whatever and when I asked her about, she said she never did. I'm not sure that I can recall one instance so she could be right. And than there is a lack of interest and intimacy like giving each other a kiss or a hug. We do still do that but just almost never. Sex has been off the table for the last couple of months. I recall once in something like 9 months and it was infrequent the 1,5 before that.

    I feel we both have other roles than being married at the moment. We work and we are parents foremost and we don't get to do anything else. In our time off we spend most of the time with the kids doing fun stuff for them and or spend time with family. We don't go see a movie or dine out or whatever, there is just not any time to be together.

    Arguments have also increased significantly, I feel in part because the relationship has changed. She says she cannot forget past arguments and stuff as it limits her ability to be (intimate) in a relationship. I feel taking advantage of the precious time we have and being together and being intimate might actually be beneficial to our relationship. But I can understand that the harsh arguments we have had can affect the psyche.

    Do you guys have any idea what I am looking at here. Is my marriage dead or soon to be? Are we just going to be parents together? Has anyone ever experienced something similar?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You HAVE to make date time with one another. Sit down with her and talk about arrangements for a reliable baby sitter (your parents or hers perhaps?) and then you set aside at least one day/night together being husband and wife and you let go of being mommy and daddy for a few hours together.

    If you are close to your parents or hers maybe they'll even take the kids overnight so you can take your WIFE away for an over-nighter. You are both stuck in mommy daddy mode and you've let life in general get in the way of your bond.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    In addition to making time for each other, I think you should really look into this:

    Originally Posted by randomc
    She says she cannot forget past arguments and stuff as it limits her ability to be (intimate) in a relationship.
    I mean, that is LITERALLY an answer to your question. Maybe not the whole story or the answer you want to hear, but certainly something that shouldn't be ignored or minimized. Perhaps marriage counselling would provide a safe, neutral venue for discussion.

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    So I値l go against the grain here. I知 not a fan of date night. I知 no good at night anymore. I spent many years going out at night and had a fairly exciting social life in a major city - including when my husband and I were dating and pre- kids. I am exhausted at night and I no longer want to have a big or late dinner (we致e been married 10 years and are 52 with one almost 10 year old child). So what we do is spend time together every day - we both work from home a lot and we chat on and off and chat at night after our son goes to sleep. We hug and kiss every day and sex is less often than before we had our son but we both want that to change and I intend to make a lot more of an effort. But yes we池e on different schedules - I知 up around 6 because of my son and he痴 a night owl who does his best work at night and sleeps in. I just am not interested in a forced 電ate and we have no family to help - never have. They were older / disabled when we had our son so not capable of helping our. Sitters are ok but it痴 kind of a waste at night since I wouldn稚 be any fun.

    I just write all this because yes date nights are great for some couples and I知 tired of the 登h just leave your child overnight with family or get a sitter once a week. Not so easy or practical in many situations.
    So what I would do op is start to have times during the day where you have 電atettes - where you have a fun convo and hopefully your phone is put away. Get that connection back. Get back the reason you wanted to marry her. Even if you sleep separately which is fine try to cuddle for a few minutes at night.

    Also invest in a cleaning service twice a month at least so she has more me time if that痴 an issue. Good luck !

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Then make it date morning. Certainly, to each their own. The point is they need to get out of mommy/daddy mode and into husband/wife/lover/companion mode once again. Everyone NEEDS a break from their kids once in a while and these two sound like they're past the rekindling stage at this point but at least they can try to get back the intimacy and emotional connection they once shared before the kids came along.

    If you consider spending a romantic evening together as a "forced date" then no, it surely won't do anything to for you. Hopefully it WILL help to get that connection back for the two of them though.

    Op: My husband's sister used to take our daughter for an overnight at least three times a year and either my mom and dad or the hubby's mom and dad babysat for us for a few hours once a month so we could spend some alone time together. It has worked out well for us and we remain happily connected for over 40 years now.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Viceroy's Avatar
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    Batya

    That was a well written response , I appreciated reading your insight . I値l keep that in mind for my own life. Thanks !

  8. #7
    Bronze Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Mom of a nearly 2 year old here, so I can sort of put myself in your shoes. Taking care of young children is very hard and straining on a relationship, so you are definitely not alone and none of this sounds beyond saving to me.

    Can I ask what your roles are with child care? Is your wife stay at home and you go to work? How much childcare do you do when you池e home from work? Do you guys take turns tucking the little ones in or doing overnight feedings? I know how much sleep deprivation can affect my mood and my fianc does a wonderful job trying to help with overnight wake ups as much as he can. I値l tuck our daughter in at night, because he comes home later from work and mornings are his to spend time with her. During that time I get to take long baths or prepare lunch in peace and we both head out to work. I壇 be incredibly overwhelmed, if he didn稚 take over as much as he does, and I知 wondering if you give her these breaks as much as you can as well? If so, awesome! Keep doing that and try to limit her stress as much as you can. Maybe surprise her with a home cooked dinner or a bottle of wine and when both kids are asleep, just sit together and have a glass. It doesn稚 need to be a full blown date night in my opinion, unless grandparents can take the kids for a night?

    The fact that she sounds a bit resentful about past arguments stands out to me as well. Have you given her a chance to talk about how these arguments still affect her? And I mean, actually let her talk and just listen? Understand her side without getting defensive and not trying to fix the issue? I find that I feel so much better sometimes, if my fianc just lets me talk about something that bugs me without interjecting. We usually preface this with 塗ey I壇 love for you to listen to me for a bit if you can. It値l make me feel much better. Goes both ways.

    Do you Tell her how beautiful she is? Thank her for doing laundry, dishes, staying on top of doctors appointments, feeding schedules, lunches for the kids? Call her hunny and just give her a kiss randomly? I think trying to build in random little acts of kindness will help her open up to you. It might take a little while, so try not to feel let down if there痴 no immediate result.

    Being a mom to a toddler is so exhausting sometimes and being appreciated for what I do on a daily basis helps me stay connected in my relationship.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Then make it date morning. Certainly, to each their own. The point is they need to get out of mommy/daddy mode and into husband/wife/lover/companion mode once again. Everyone NEEDS a break from their kids once in a while and these two sound like they're past the rekindling stage at this point but at least they can try to get back the intimacy and emotional connection they once shared before the kids came along.

    If you consider spending a romantic evening together as a "forced date" then no, it surely won't do anything to for you. Hopefully it WILL help to get that connection back for the two of them though.

    Op: My husband's sister used to take our daughter for an overnight at least three times a year and either my mom and dad or the hubby's mom and dad babysat for us for a few hours once a month so we could spend some alone time together. It has worked out well for us and we remain happily connected for over 40 years now.
    Yes definitely as I recommended. You're so very lucky you had family who could take your daughter overnight or babysat and who you trusted. We knew from the moment we started trying to conceive that would never be true for us ever despite many family members who loved us and our future child and still do - from a logistical and practical level it could never happen (other than my niece who was a part time mother's helper for certain times over two summers, during the day). I completely agree with "date your husband" and "be your husband's girlfriend" and having a break from the child . We're lucky in that for the most part our son is a good sleeper so after 8-8:30pm it's just us. But my husband works a lot at night and travels fairly regularly so that cuts in of course. I agree with making sure the connection survives having a child!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes definitely as I recommended. You're so very lucky you had family who could take your daughter overnight or babysat and who you trusted. We knew from the moment we started trying to conceive that would never be true for us ever despite many family members who loved us and our future child and still do - from a logistical and practical level it could never happen (other than my niece who was a part time mother's helper for certain times over two summers, during the day). I completely agree with "date your husband" and "be your husband's girlfriend" and having a break from the child . We're lucky in that for the most part our son is a good sleeper so after 8-8:30pm it's just us. But my husband works a lot at night and travels fairly regularly so that cuts in of course. I agree with making sure the connection survives having a child!
    Yes we lived a short walk away from both sets of parents and my sister-in-law so we were very lucky. My SIL was my daycare when I went back to work as well so we had lots of support. :o)

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    Thank you all for responding!

    Yeah we did the datenight thing for a bit when there was only our oldest. Our youngest still gets breastfed and wakes up irregularly at night. Frankly my wife does that entirely, while I attend to our oldest. He has nightmares and anxieties at the moment and also needs attention at night. This is also the reason why we can't really drop off the kids one night a week.

    As far as the childcare and the household go, I work 5 days a week and my wife 4. She has one day to spend with the kids and in this time she also cleans and stuff. We pay for a professional daycare 3 days a week and my in-laws take care of the kids 1 day.

    We also have a cleaner once every other week. I do the daily groceries and cook, she does the laundry. Apart from that we both take on other chores like the dishes, vacuuming and so on. The bigger chores like mopping the floors are either for her on her day she's not at work or for the cleaner.

    I put the oldest to bed ( bath him every other night) and read to him every night, she attends to our youngest every night. There is hardly any time to spare either for each other or for ourselves. Common sense dictates that this will pass on as our youngest reaches an age where she's not as dependent and in need of breastfeeding.

    But somewhere I fear this period is taking to long or will take to long for our relationship to get over it. I mean it feels like all the affection is gone, though we do have arguments, which have been getting more severe lately.

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