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Thread: Liveless mariage?

  1. #21
    Bronze Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Your oldest is nearly 2? Correct me if I'm wrong. Why does he wake multiple times a night still? I'd bet lots of it is boundary testing and by going in every time, you're creating a bit of a feedback loop. My daughter is nearly 2 and when she's coming down with a cold or whatnot, she'll wake once and ask for water. We had a few nights where she woke multiple times for water, because she had a fever. All fine and acceptable, but if she's healthy, she goes to bed and that's that. My evening is important to me and I think setting a bit of a firmer boundary with the oldest would at least free up some time. Is your baby in bed with your wife all night? Is it possible to introduce her to her own crib, so you guys can sleep in the same bed again?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by BecxyRex
    Your oldest is nearly 2? Correct me if I'm wrong. Why does he wake multiple times a night still? I'd bet lots of it is boundary testing and by going in every time, you're creating a bit of a feedback loop. My daughter is nearly 2 and when she's coming down with a cold or whatnot, she'll wake once and ask for water. We had a few nights where she woke multiple times for water, because she had a fever. All fine and acceptable, but if she's healthy, she goes to bed and that's that. My evening is important to me and I think setting a bit of a firmer boundary with the oldest would at least free up some time. Is your baby in bed with your wife all night? Is it possible to introduce her to her own crib, so you guys can sleep in the same bed again?
    All kids are different. And dealing with another sibling when they young, really tough to deal with. I get what you're saying, but never say never. Each kid can be so different with completely different needs and preferences. No parent shaming needed here.

    They just need to get back to each other romantically.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    Sorry, didn't mean for that to come of preachy or shaming. I just know how much our life has improved with a little firmer bedtime and night time boundary, and I'm wondering if that could help the OP and his family free some time. I mean, she has no time to read a book even, that sounds unimaginably stressful.

  4. #24
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    I hear you. When I had one kid, life was very manageable, but my husband was also working partime when my eldest was young. Then, with two, it's like that little video of the otter mom with her baby sleeping on her, and that second kid feels as cute as that, and that gets you through the wash, rinse, repeat cycle, it's still so hard. They can be on different schedules, foods, textures, seating, behavioral approaches, more laundry, camps, daycare, expenses, it goes on. And when the get older, with two, the pool of people watching them is not too big especially when you get into playdates, where only the eldest or youngest is invited, parties, the constant things needed for school, fundraisers, homework for early readers into having one with special needs, ADHD, or maybe just not hitting averages, then sports, and on, and on.

    Again, cute otter baby on here. Parenting is hard with 1 kid, 2, 4, or more. Even with both parents being hands on, it's so easy to get stuck in the parent vortex where all you do and plan is revolved around your kids.

    My eldest, cry it out worked for him as a toddler. With my youngest - forget it - no go there. I slept upright for 5 months because he was a constant nurser. He just started going to sleep fully through the night 10+ hours at 30 months. Granted, I get sleep through the night actually means 6+ hours.

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  6. #25
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    Apparently my sister woke up multiple times for the longest time -way past 2! My son did not. Good sleeper except from ages 7 to 9 - years old! -and yes we did some sleep training. But it was exhausting anyway -so much solo parenting between my husband traveling to take care of his aging parents plus for business and me living in a brand new city. On the other hand one of our dear friends who raised three kids (all adults now) said that her kids were "easy" and she meant it. I think it really depends on the child and home situation.

  7. #26
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    Hi thanks again for all your suggestions.

    On the dating thing I have to say we live closer to her family and I feel somewhat of a boundary or withheld to ask her family for help when the purpose is just recreation. I do not trust paid babysitters, I've read to many horrible stories. But maybe I should get over my holding back on asking her family.

    As for the dating, prior to the kids I planned most of the dates. Though a lot of things came up spontaneously, having kids kind of takes that away.

    As for the my eldest which does not really sleep well. According to articles I read this is normal around this age. The reason why I'm not any firmer is that the bedroom is on the same floor and if our eldest whines or has a tantrum he will further deprive my wife and youngest of their sleep. So I take him with my to the upper floor. We don't intend to make this a new standard, but my wife is already a bit sleepdeprived. We thus intend to wait until we have a week off to get it right.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear all this. It sad that it's gotten to the point of each of you arguing, threatening divorce and progressively becoming this resentful and estranged.

    At least you've identified that the stress and conflict may involve adjusting to having kids and differences in beliefs about finances, domestic workloads, time management surrounding that and parenting styles.

    Yes, look into help from family, friends and childcare/babysitting to ease things up, get some adult time and decompress. Also look into the support groups run by local colleges, hospitals, faith based groups etc. for parenting and marriages, if therapy per se is too expensive. With accurate and appropriate assessment and resolution of the strain/stress you can salvage things.
    Originally Posted by randomc
    As far as the divorce part, we have both considered it in the recent past.
    -we hardly had any fights prior to the kids. now we have two kids and it's gotten turbulent again.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by randomc
    Hi thanks again for all your suggestions.

    On the dating thing I have to say we live closer to her family and I feel somewhat of a boundary or withheld to ask her family for help when the purpose is just recreation. I do not trust paid babysitters, I've read to many horrible stories. But maybe I should get over my holding back on asking her family.

    As for the dating, prior to the kids I planned most of the dates. Though a lot of things came up spontaneously, having kids kind of takes that away.

    As for the my eldest which does not really sleep well. According to articles I read this is normal around this age. The reason why I'm not any firmer is that the bedroom is on the same floor and if our eldest whines or has a tantrum he will further deprive my wife and youngest of their sleep. So I take him with my to the upper floor. We don't intend to make this a new standard, but my wife is already a bit sleepdeprived. We thus intend to wait until we have a week off to get it right.
    I would check Weissbluth's book on sleep training/controlled crying as an alternative to the habits you are encouraging in the children and you not getting sleep at a result. Some children are just not good sleepers and in your case this sounds like more of you facilitating them getting up in hte middle of the night -you might have a few nights of sleep deprivation but when they get that night is for sleeping (unless they are sick or truly had a nightmare -you will know!) and get what the structure and routine is it likely will decrease the situation you described. I loved Weissbluth's book for this -Healthy Sleep Habits. I met babysitters I trusted by seeing them at playgrounds with the kids they were caring for over time, then talking to the parents if needed. I never used a sitter regularly. Why not offer to pay/compensate family for helping you with a date night - and you can explain to them it's not just for fun but for married alone time which your family needs. I paid a relative to be my regular mother's helper over two summers -worked great.

  10. #29
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    "Do you think there is a way to recover from this...?"
    - It depends on what the issue is.

    If a poorly executed dating/discovery period led to a trapped marriage: unlikely.
    If a mental image of herself led to distancing: yes.
    If she has, or is fantasying about a boyfriend: maybe, but very hard.
    If simple neglect: yes.

    Which do you think it may be?

    Btw,
    It's human nature to think I can just do this or that and it will all be better tomorrow. (Flip the switch.)
    A great marriage requires work, and no one marriage is the same as another.

    While it may not be your problem, start reading "If only he knew" By Gary Smalley. Never let her see this book.


    PS, Most pay-to-play counselors make their living not saving marriages. (It's simply not in their best interest.)

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Lester
    "Do you think there is a way to recover from this...?"
    - It depends on what the issue is.

    If a poorly executed dating/discovery period led to a trapped marriage: unlikely.
    If a mental image of herself led to distancing: yes.
    If she has, or is fantasying about a boyfriend: maybe, but very hard.
    If simple neglect: yes.

    Which do you think it may be?

    Btw,
    It's human nature to think I can just do this or that and it will all be better tomorrow. (Flip the switch.)
    A great marriage requires work, and no one marriage is the same as another.

    While it may not be your problem, start reading "If only he knew" By Gary Smalley. Never let her see this book.


    PS, Most pay-to-play counselors make their living not saving marriages. (It's simply not in their best interest.)
    No we knew each other 5 years before getting married. And we had grown really fond of each other, went through a lot of ups and downs. (Mostly downs).

    Fantasizing about a boyfriend, not at all she doesn't feel much at all. Nor do we exactly have the time for an affair or something. We both work our buts off in the workplace and with the kids. In the weekends we're always together.

    Mental image of ourselves very much so. That much should've been clear from the previous posts. We're both trapped in roles and neglect our relationship. We also have fights and it affects the self-esteem. Also my wife doesn't feel attractive after an uneasy labor and still breastfeeding.

    Coming from a history with psychologists I feel reluctant to look for therapy especially because it can cost a lot. I feel we will get to hear things we both already know. We both have an academic background and should be able to grasp the concepts without therapy. On the other hand, we let it get this far so we're not really in control anymore. I have very mixed feelings, as does my wife.

    I found this topic gave me some insights and some really good suggestions. And I will also look into the literature that was suggested. Though I don't think the irregular sleeping of our son is something to worry about at this time. We will try to modify this behavior when we have a few days off, so we can compensate for the lack of sleep.

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