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Thread: Liveless mariage?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What are all the arguments about? You need marriage therapy asap to learn more about how to communicate, resolve conflicts and manage day to day life without this much stress.

    What do you mean by "harsh arguments" Is there name calling? Finger pointing? Character assassinations? Blame shifting?

    What you are looking at is a complete breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy and the misguided notion that your wife should simply put sex back on the table without resolving any conflicts or "harsh arguments".

    She feels no connection to you. You are making yourself "the enemy" with all the arguing. She seems to be protecting herself by avoiding you, avoiding being hurt by you, avoiding intimacy with someone who is screaming and yelling at her and just getting through it for the sake of the kids by being in robot mode.
    Originally Posted by randomc
    Arguments have also increased significantly. She says she cannot forget past arguments and stuff as it limits her ability to be (intimate) in a relationship.

    I can understand that the harsh arguments we have had can affect the psyche.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What are all the arguments about? You need marriage therapy asap to learn more about how to communicate, resolve conflicts and manage day to day life without this much stress.

    What do you mean by "harsh arguments" Is there name calling? Finger pointing? Character assassinations? Blame shifting?

    What you are looking at is a complete breakdown of trust and emotional intimacy and the misguided notion that your wife should simply put sex back on the table without resolving any conflicts or "harsh arguments".

    She feels no connection to you. You are making yourself "the enemy" with all the arguing. She seems to be protecting herself by avoiding you, avoiding being hurt by you, avoiding intimacy with someone who is screaming and yelling at her and just getting through it for the sake of the kids by being in robot mode.
    By harsh arguments I mean all of the above and both ways. From me to her and vice versa.

    And this was never just about sex, but about loosing each other. We are distant on so many levels now and we are both in some sort of autopilot mode. I do not expect her to just put sex on the table nor do I feel that solves everything. But if there isn't any intimacy at all it tends to get more autopilot by default.

    We considered counseling but found we hardly have the financial means and really don't have the time for it. We both feel that it would be better to spend the money on quality time with the kids like holidays.

    I read a book about high friction couples by a counselor but found it hard to apply to us. I do recognize the things in the book but find it hard to respond in the way I should. She does not really want to read the book, seeing it as she doesn't really have time to read. And I do think it's harder for to make time to do it, as I use public transport for example.

    Do you think there is a way to recover from this with or without counseling?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Plenty of colleges, faith based groups, hospitals, community resources, etc offer free or inexpensive classes or sessions for couples.

    A family falling apart and couples so broken down it's devolved in to mutual verbal abuse is not a DYI read a book on the commute situation. Sadly you seriously underestimate the peril you are in.

    For you it's read a book, hop in bed. Her next step is probably the divorce lawyer. So if you think therapy is too expensive, try alimony, child support and losing 1/2 of all your assets 1/2 your house and 1/2 of your access to your kids. The book you should read is "Confessions of a Walk Away Wife" which describes how the ongoing anger and your denial could end up.
    Originally Posted by randomc
    By harsh arguments I mean all of the above and both ways. From me to her and vice versa.

    And this was never just about sex, but about loosing each other. We are distant on so many levels now and we are both in some sort of autopilot mode. I do not expect her to just put sex on the table nor do I feel that solves everything. But if there isn't any intimacy at all it tends to get more autopilot by default.

    We considered counseling but found we hardly have the financial means and really don't have the time for it. We both feel that it would be better to spend the money on quality time with the kids like holidays.

    I read a book about high friction couples by a counselor but found it hard to apply to us. I do recognize the things in the book but find it hard to respond in the way I should. She does not really want to read the book, seeing it as she doesn't really have time to read. And I do think it's harder for to make time to do it, as I use public transport for example.

    Do you think there is a way to recover from this with or without counseling?

  4. #14
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    Those are things to consider. I will try and find out if there are different ways of getting help near me.

    As far as the divorce part, we have both considered it in the recent past. However I think we both believe this is somehow temporary, because we hardly had any fights prior to the kids. We had grown really accustomed to each other. Then we had our first and it became really turbulent and it passed, we found our balance again and now we have two kids and it's gotten turbulent again. So from this logic, I'd expect it to get better, but I'm not sure it will.

    It could be that the way we autopilot and treat each other is just to unsettling to recover from. I will look into getting help.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Yes we lived a short walk away from both sets of parents and my sister-in-law so we were very lucky. My SIL was my daycare when I went back to work as well so we had lots of support. :o)
    Wow -that's a great situation! And for the OP - do you have that kind of support so you and your wife can more easily get alone time?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member FreedomRing's Avatar
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    Hey OP,

    Donít have much time to respond atm, but your post resonated greatly with me and what my husband and I are sort of experiencing as well(almost 2 yr old and baby #2 due in a couple of months).. will try to PM you a bit later, but I definitely can feel you on the Ďautopilotí mode and and losing that connection as parenthood becomes centerstage :/

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by randomc
    I read a book about high friction couples by a counselor but found it hard to apply to us. I do recognize the things in the book but find it hard to respond in the way I should. She does not really want to read the book, seeing it as she doesn't really have time to read. And I do think it's harder for to make time to do it, as I use public transport for example.
    Maybe there's room for you to help free up some time for her to be able to read the book.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by randomc
    Those are things to consider. I will try and find out if there are different ways of getting help near me.

    As far as the divorce part, we have both considered it in the recent past. However I think we both believe this is somehow temporary, because we hardly had any fights prior to the kids. We had grown really accustomed to each other. Then we had our first and it became really turbulent and it passed, we found our balance again and now we have two kids and it's gotten turbulent again. So from this logic, I'd expect it to get better, but I'm not sure it will.

    It could be that the way we autopilot and treat each other is just to unsettling to recover from. I will look into getting help.
    This sounds like you both have poor conflict resolution skills, so when things get tough, and two young kids are super tough, that inability to deal with stress and conflict surfaces and is wrecking your relationship. It is serious in the sense that you aren't just becoming distant with each other, but that harsh fights breed ongoing resentment. You can say things that can't be forgiven. So I would really encourage you to work on that, find a counselor who specializes in this and can help, read books, watch some video seminars on youtube from qualified psychiatrists on this. You both have to find the time and make the effort and actually make it stick. Otherwise, it's not just this but any relationship you are in will crumble. I try some of the methods but I can't make it work isn't good enough. You both have to put in enough work into yourselves that it does work.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by randomc
    we sleep in different beds.

    we spend most of the time with the kids doing fun stuff for them and or spend time with family. We don't go see a movie or dine out or whatever, there is just not any time to be together.

    Arguments have also increased significantly
    Speaking as a parent of two little kids with both parents working full-time. Interview several babysitters!!!!! Get a darn sitter!!!!! Plan dates, even if it's just dinner for two hours. Be romantic. Everyone thinks after holding a baby all weekend that you're both suppose to magically light up for each other. NOPPPPPPPEEE. Don't give her the burden of planning all your dates, which I bet is what happened before kids. Call up your folks, her folks, your bros, yours sis, your BIL, your SIL, and ask them to watch the kids for a few hours. Even if she's nursing. You want sex and an emotional intimacy, go date your wife!

    I am still nursing our 3 year old. And back then, he was exclusively on breastmilk the 1st year.

    Compliment your wife. Don't forget. And sleep in the same bed with the same blanket.

  11. #20
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    This poor woman has had 2 kids in 3 years. Her body has probably changed, and shes probably really self-concious. I dont think its unreasonable to lose interest in sex when you are pregnant and feeling fat and bloated.
    Its time to step up your game.
    Get a sitter, and have a special date night that you plan. go out of your way to make her feel special. you two need to reconnect.
    This is common, but it will take effort. Good luck, you can do it!

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