When and how to ask?

I am just after some general opinions and this site is great for that.

Thinking of my recent dating experience I went on two dates with someone I was once friends with and after the second date there was a bit of a kiss. I asked him if he was looking for a woman or if he just wanted a mate to hang out with for a few drinks. Anyway he looked really uncomfortable and changed the topic. I felt bad for asking like it was a bit over the top. But was it?

I just wanted to know what he thinking especially as he didn't invest much time etc. and it felt like mates who hung out most of the time. It turns out he was dating others so maybe that is why he looked so uncomfortable and changed the topic.

The thing is, how and when do you ask? Personally I don't want to waste my time on flakey men anymore who multiple date and don't do the work I need and deserve. However I don't want to look like some needy, over the top desperate woman who 'needs to know'. I'm actually a pretty chilled out 'lets see how it goes person' but I have been hurt in the past by not knowing what it is. Was I out of place to ask? I don't know how to handle dating, maybe my fears got the better of me? Then again why shouldn't I ask?

Just ask. You value your time. Why would you waste your own time trying not to look needy?? People are going to judge you no matter what you do, and in ways you can't possibly control. You might as well weed out the harsh ones early.

I agree you should ask. When would be the only question. To soon and it looks and feels like you are rushing things and to late and you waste time.

If the dates are going really well and you are liking the guy and want to focus all your attention on him that would be the time to ask I guess. I am thinking 2 dates may have been a little soon to ask but if they were long dates and the conversation was great then why not ask.

The thing to remember is if you ask or not the answer is the same. The only difference is that once you ask and get the answer now you know for sure what the answer is.

He clearly wanted to multi date and you are not interested in someone doing that. Remember that it does take a few dates to decide if someone is a good enough fit to commit to focusing all your attention towards them.

Lost

However I don't want to look like some needy, over the top desperate woman who 'needs to know'.

Why wouldn't a perfectly confident woman 'need to know' what she WANTS to get into?

Once I clarified for myself what I'M looking for, letting others know this was the easy part.

I'm relationship material, so I'm not interested in casual encounters or spending time 'talking to' men in whom I'm interested. I clarify where I stand up front, preferably BEFORE playing kissy face with anyone. I find out if they have clarity about what they're looking for. If not, they could be the best man in the world, but 'we' are not a match.

Call this the opposite of sleeping first, asking question later. It simplifies life and weeds out the time wasters, players, users, and flakes.

Head high.

Great advice, I have learnt to ask for what I want.

Talking about what the dating goals are early on is a pretty normal topic. Keep in mind that you are speaking in general terms here and not about each other in particular.

The only thing is how you ask. I think your question was rather pointed and aggressive instead of an open topic. It's a how you ask not what you ask. Instead of wording things the way you did, stick to a more general question like "so what are your dating goals or what are you looking for in dating?". Make sure that you deliver the question in a friendly and open manner. The more you can pull that off, the more honest of a response you'll get from the guy about where he is at and what he is up to. If you seem like you can handle the truth, they'll tell you the truth.

I think in this case, you did get your answer even if not directly. He isn't looking for anything serious, but he'd rather not say so. So now you know to move on and not waste more time on him.

If you are dating with the purpose of getting in to a relationship and need to gauge right away whether the man is on the same page, then ask away. Do be warned however that a man may say he is looking for a relationship but that doesn't mean he wants one with you, or that he won't change his mind down the road.

The one thing you can be fairly sure of is if you meet someone that says he is not ready for a relationship, is too busy to commit right now, or is emotionally unavailable for some reason, he is someone to steer away from if you are looking to be in a committed relationship. They might try to convince you by saying things could change but they never have in my experience and will eventually lead to heartbreak.

Do be warned however that a man may say he is looking for a relationship but that doesn't mean he wants one with you, or that he won't change his mind down the road.

That is very true!!

Yes if he had said 'I'm not looking for a relationship just friends' that would have been fine, we were friends. It was when there was the kiss I asked. I didn't necessary want him to say 'yes I want you etc.' just 'I would like to date you and see where it goes as we seem to get on'. but nothing, he didn't know what he wanted! Seeing as I had to do all the work I soon got fed up. One thing I have learnt - absence and silence IS an answer.

I agree with the others. I think it’s important to establish from the very beginning what each person is looking for.

The last thing you want to do is invest months or more of your time only to find out you’re looking for different things.

You say you used to be friends? So how did you know it was a “date” to begin with if he acted like a “mate” the whole time? When he asked you out, did he say it was a date?

No he asked if I wanted to go for a drink. We were work friends (we didn't see one another outside of the workplace but I considered him a friend). Looking back we weren't really friends, I just used that term, we were friendly in the work setting that is all, when I saw him ... which wasn't that regularly at work events.

I didn't know if it was a 'date' or not. That was part of the reason for asking for a bit of clarity.

Is this the same guy you wrote about here? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=557219

Yes. I know I need to move on and I am trying to and making some progress there.

I did like him and I have struggled to deal with the disappointment of it all. If I didn't like him I wouldn't be so bothered.

well the absolute wrong time is to ask RIGHT AFTER YOUR FIRST KISS.

What you did by doing that is ruin any mojo there and immediately "qualify" your kiss as being potentially unsure and ungenuine - as if to say you aren't really sure what you want. So why would anybody stick out their neck (even if they did mean it to say they were interested in more with you) when you imediately come with "i'm not sure what i want so i'm asking you what you want?" Total buzzkill.

In the end.. I thnk what is true is you should NEVER ASK or HAVE TO ASK. If you're 1/2 paying attention, and allow for enough time to develop something (1 kiss isn't enough time) - you should KNOW what's going on or have a REAL GOOD idea where they are - and where you are.

NEVER ask somebody where they are unless YOU KNOW where you are first. NEVER! Otherwise you're basically kissing it goodbye no matter what they were thinking before you asked.

I think if you are confused there is no harm in asking at any stage.

Maybe it was a good thing I 'kissed it goodbye' I'm sick of dating and all the 'things I do wrong' I should 'never do'.

I will hang out with my friends, be myself warts and all and be happy.

Ok, it's fine at some point to bring up the 'so what are you looking' for question, but that is usually in the context of the first meet/dates in an online dating situation where it's crystal clear that dating is the objective but just a matter of what kind of dating.

In this case coworkers having drinks and "stuff". Try not to let the anxiety get the upper hand. Continue talking to your therapist and perhaps get a checkup from a doctor to see what else is going on physically that could be underlying any anxiety, moods, hypersensitivity, etc.

No he asked if I wanted to go for a drink. We were work friends . Looking back we weren't really friends, I just used that term, we were friendly in the work setting that is all, when I saw him ... which wasn't that regularly at work events.

If you are dating with the purpose of getting in to a relationship and need to gauge right away whether the man is on the same page, then ask away. Do be warned however that a man may say he is looking for a relationship but that doesn't mean he wants one with you, or that he won't change his mind down the road.

 

The one thing you can be fairly sure of is if you meet someone that says he is not ready for a relationship, is too busy to commit right now, or is emotionally unavailable for some reason, he is someone to steer away from if you are looking to be in a committed relationship. They might try to convince you by saying things could change but they never have in my experience and will eventually lead to heartbreak.

This a 100% times!

Notice that at 2 dates in is too early for someone to know if they want a relationship WITH YOU. However, it's not too early for someone to know if they want a relationship in general or to see some red flags or lack of chemistry that makes someone not see us as relationship material for them.

I think the issue here is not that you asked. That's fine, the issue is that you asked too aggressively and accusatory and as if you'd be mad if the answer was not what you wanted. However, he doesn't seem to be interested in something more serious so I'd back off and not insist on this one of you're looking for a relationship.

Great advice, I have learnt to ask for what I want.

It's really not about asking someone for *some-thing.

It's about asking them what their intentions are when they are dating, or kissing someone.

And just because they say they are relationship minded, it doesn't mean it's with you. You create a safe place for them to tell you what they are look for.

In turn you state what you are looking for. It doesn't mean with *them.

And you have this non threatening conversation with them earlier, rather than later.