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Am I going mad ? Please help


Abimor123

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I started seeing someone last September and we went out on dates once a week for a couple of months. I wanted to know if we were going to be exclusive but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship he just wanted to be friends. His ex wife and past girlfriends had really put him through the ringer and he had just lost his job so said that he can’t even look after himself let alone have a girlfriend so that was that . He said never say never and if we can’t be friends how can we be lovers . So since November we have been only friends . I usually see him once a week I’ve met all his friends he doesn’t seem to mind introducing me to them as his friend. It’s just the last few times I’ve stayed over at his when we have been out drinking I’ve shared his bed . He hasn’t tried to have sex with me but has cuddled into me. Last week we had arranged to meet up and he said he was seeing his group of friends I was welcome to join them so I said yeah sounds good. Day before meeting up he said he might not manage his mum was ill so I said no worries it’s ok . But then his friend who is a woman messaged saying he had mentioned I was coming out and it would be good to see me. I said he wasn’t coming but I would come out anyway. When I got there she said he had told her to text me to invite me out even though he wasn’t sure he would be there but then he showed up later that evening once he had been to the hospital. I’m just confused really is this just friendship ?

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He never wanted a relationship with you and he told you that up front. He is enjoying hanging out and cuddling with you. He likes hanging out with you when it's convenient for him. He knows that you will show up when it's convenient for him. It's not just friendship -if he thought of you as a good friend he likely would treat you with more respect as far as making plans and keeping them. Why are you choosing to cuddle with someone who you have feelings for - aren't you concerned about getting attached to someone who doesn't want a relationship with you?

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He told you flat out that he isn't interested in a relationship with you. What you've done since is toss your self respect into the trash and hang around him hoping he'll change his mind as he sees how wonderful you are. Except that he doesn't see how wonderful you are, he sees you as lacking self respect, so he doesn't respect you either and he is just using you as is convenient for him. Certainly you'll hop to it as you've already proven. I mean really....he won't even bother to text you himself, has someone else do it and you go galloping like you have no friends or life of your own....smh....think how that looks and what you are actually doing.

 

Also, beware of anyone who will blame and badmouth their ex's. Invariably, you'll find out the hard way why their ex's went crazy. Hint: it's him. He is the common denominator. In fact, you are already starting to experience the crazy making as we speak.

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he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship he just wanted to be friends. His ex wife and past girlfriends had really put him through the ringer and he had just lost his job so said that he can’t even look after himself let alone have a girlfriend so that was that .

 

The answer to your question is above. The confusion is you wanting something else to evolve and not accepting the reality of the situation.

 

There is nothing in your above post that suggests he wants more than a friendship with you. That being said... if you continue to stay over and sleep in his bed you will most likely end up sleeping together but again... doesn't mean you will end up in a relationship.

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While you wait on this guy hoping he will change his mind you waste valuable time you could be using trying to meet a guy that DOES want what you want.

 

Yes he is just a friend (in his mind) but you see him as a future boyfriend/relationship in your mind.

 

Trust what you see and hear in this case. You are just friends and he has stated he doesn't want what you want.

 

Scale back your time spent with him and focus on meeting new guys.

 

BTW if he is out of work how does he have money to go out all the time? I hope you aren't paying...

 

Lost

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Don't be friends with men you have feelings for and have clearly expressed they don't want a relationship with you. Being friends in the expectation that they change their mind along the way. Or at least if you're going to be friends with him don't hang around waiting and date and go out with other people.

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I like him and it’s hard to know I’m only ever going to be a friend to him. I guess I’m just deluding myself thinking because he cuddled me in bed I mean more to him than just a pal

 

For your own emotional health and sanity you need to stop hanging around this guy and playing friendzies while desperately hoping to be more. Will he sleep with you at some point? Sure. Will that raise your hopes up that finally you will get a relationship? Yes. Do you know how devastated you'll be when he introduces you to his new gf? Do you want to put yourself through this nightmare? I hope not. Please, just cut contact and walk away. Look to date guys who actually want what you want and more importantly, want that with you and don't waste your time on time wasters like this. You wouldn't even be so attached at all had you walked away sooner.

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I like him and it’s hard to know I’m only ever going to be a friend to him. I guess I’m just deluding myself thinking because he cuddled me in bed I mean more to him than just a pal

 

Why would cuddling in bed mean he wants a relationship with you when he's told you a number of times he doesn't want that and doesn't ask you out on proper dates on top of that. He is cuddling you because he likes to. I wouldn't read into it.

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I like him and it’s hard to know I’m only ever going to be a friend to him. I guess I’m just deluding myself thinking because he cuddled me in bed I mean more to him than just a pal

 

Ask him if he cuddles his male friends in his bed.

 

By you sleeping in his bed and him cuddling you, you've both blurred the lines of a platonic relationship. No wonder you're confused.

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He told me once a while ago his pal stayed over at his after having tea and she wanted to share his bed and he said no she could sleep on the sofa he said he doesn’t share his bed with just anyone especially friends who are girls.

 

Then you have to be the strong one here and tell him that if he's only your friend then you'll sleep on the couch. Stop playing "what the heck are we" and either be a platonic friend or a girlfriend. Him being so ambiguous and crossing platonic relationship boundaries is going to drive you nuts.

 

Figure out what YOU want then ask him if he wants the same thing and if he doesn't then stop all this platonic relationship boundary crossing and keep it real. If you want more than friendship and he doesn't then going zero contact is the way to go until you get your head about you.

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this is NOT a relationship no. There is no intimacy and no signs that intimacy will happen.

he was upfront that he didn't see you as more than a friend - believe him.

i would caution wanting more as he seems like a guy who will always have many women around him and keeps them around - especially when it comes to the ones he's been intimate with.

 

that doesn't mean he's a bad person. but it clearly sounds like you are not the type of person who can handle that and thus this would be hard on your emotions to try.

 

find somebody who is more compatible and won't worry you as much and confuse you as much.

 

Good luck.

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I like him and it’s hard to know I’m only ever going to be a friend to him. I guess I’m just deluding myself thinking because he cuddled me in bed I mean more to him than just a pal

 

If you continue his friends while you have feelings for him it's going to hurt a lot when he talks to you about someone or gets a girlfriend. And if you get upset or sad he'll say "but aren't we friends? Why are you so upset?" . Not wanting to be negative but just trying to warn about the consequences of being friends with someone we have feelings for.

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Abimor, he's clearly told you that he is only interested in friendship. If you find yourself unable to stop reading romance into his every action, then you should stop hanging out with him. You're just torturing yourself.

 

Also, beware of anyone who will blame and badmouth their ex's. Invariably, you'll find out the hard way why their ex's went crazy. Hint: it's him. He is the common denominator. In fact, you are already starting to experience the crazy making as we speak.

 

Indeed!

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