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Thread: Losing It

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    As someone who used to over invest and over expect in the beginning stages and also get irrationally sad when it didn't work out I understand. What helps e now is to take everything day by day. Never make myself believe I'm in a relationship (and don't treat my dates as so) until that's officially defined by both in a clear conversation. Until then it's just dates to get to know each other better and see if there's potential for relationship or not. I've also learned that a couple good dates don't mean much,. It's the consistency and taking it day by day lets me not get so carried away and so attached too early. Also a few good dates don't make the guy owe you (general you) a relationship. That will only lead to the unproportionated destructive anger you felt towards this guy.

    Also something that helps me is to think about the type of relationship I want (in general terms) and see day by day if the person corresponds. For example, flakiness and indefinite "I'm not sure" (something that happened to me a lot in my dating experiences) are not in my definition of relationship and after a while I just step out. No over dramatic texts, no justifications, no nothing. And yes, in my past I've sent over dramatic texts to guys I wasn't even in a relationship with.

    Trying to have a life outside these dates helps too. And I know that's hard because I'm in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country where it's insanely hard meeting people outside of work.

    Learn to see people how they are at the moment (the good and the bad) and not how you want them to become or wish they became.

    But most importantly is to try to think why do you develop so much attachment to guys you don't know that well/had just a few dates with. It's important that our neediness and desire to have a relationship doesn't overwhelm the reality and prevent us from enjoying dating day by day. Being so focused on that lack, that need and that end result we want at all costs will provoque over attachment and expectations that are not coherent with the reality. For me it was that I wanted so much to be loved (in a romantic context) to feed my unmet needs from my past and damaging beliefs that I was overlooking red flags, uninterested guys and situations that led to no where. I'd also be overly hurt and took it personal someone not being that into me even if I could control myself and pretend I was letting go. Being conscious of that helps making better decisions and not be so hurt when things don't work out.

    It's not personal when someone is just not that into us. It never is.

  2. #22
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    Yes very true, thanks.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by shineyboot
    I had a dating experience recently it was fun but became clear that he wasn't really that invested. Long story in short I decided not to continue seeing him. At first I just explained how it was making me feel e.g. not very important by getting one word texts etc.

    He didn't respond and wouldn't talk to me about it. I got upset and sent a few too many texts, a bit strong in nature, not rude just how I felt about things etc. I regret them as I lost it. I would have preferred to have kept my cool, but on the other hand I'm human!

    The guy concerned has blocked me on all social media and it has now been two months with no communication. In a few weeks I will have to see him at an event and it is making me slightly uncomfortable.

    Would you say sorry and explain that you were emotional, bearing in mind I am blocked, not sure that is an option anyway but could dig up his phone number if I tried. Or would you just leave it and behave like nothing happened as he will do?
    I would act like nothing happened and be courteous toward him. If he has a problem with that, then it's his problem, not yours.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I was actually in a relationship with a woman that did similar things as you.

    She would imagine how something would go and no matter how great it turned out if it wasn't what she imagined she was either disappointed, hurt or eventually angry and would lash out. This could be about anything it seemed but what ruined our relationship was that when it came to me I couldn't seem to live up to the imagined idea she had and she would take it very personally which would bring out the hurt and then anger because she was hurt.

    It never made sense to me but to her it was real and she acted this way towards her mother and father and siblings too as well as coworkers on occasion but to a lesser degree.

    How about you take people at face value and stop imagining things and just let yourself be surprised? Many people try and steer their life so they will not be hurt or so they can feel more secure and safe but in the end it just pushes everything you wanted away.

    You really need to get a handle on this and figure out where it is coming from before it ruins something really special. I would guess this comes from something in your childhood that had carried over to your adulthood.

    Lost

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