I really need help knowing what to do

Hey!

Please help me as i am absolutely rubbish at dating and i let my emotions take over which ruins thing every time.

Basically i met a guy in 2017 and we had a couple of dates, he went pretty distant on me after the second date so i sent him a message saying 'you're clearly not interested blah blah' he messaged back saying he is sorry he hasnt been in touch he found out his ex (his daughters mum) was diagnosed with cancer.

I felt terrible and since that day i have never sent messages like that when men go distant as its just angry behaviour and i dont like it. Anyway, we lost contact as i knew he had a lot on. We then re connected last year in the Aug and he told me his daughters mum had passed away in the May which is just awful. So now he has moved closer to his family for support as he now has her full time. He works nearish me and has an hour and 40 min commute every day so he does have a lot on.

After him cancelling/trying to re arrange about 4/5 dates we finaly met up again just before Christmas, it was so nice to see him and he met up again twice after the New year. He isnt overly chatty on texts and its usualy me that starts the conversations or asks to see him but once ive done that hes's chatty and we get on realy well when we are together.

I met him last week on his lunchbreak from work as i was in his area, he asked to see me that wekend and said he will sort childcare and let me know, but he didnt. He often says he is going to do things and then just doesnt.

I had no idea what was happening at the weekend so i text him, it took him ove 12 hours to reply and he said his Dad is in hospital so he will see me Monday. He then didnt contact me again so i text him Sat asking how his dad was and he didnt reply until a day later saying hes ok and asking how my weekend is going. I replied but then didnt get a responce for hours later, I then text him again as i wanted to know if we were still meeting on the monday (today) he said he's not sure what is going on yet as he might not be going to work - depending on how his dad is. (His dad has a heart difibulator thing and it went off which is hy hes in hospital)

So right now its 11.30 on Monday and he hasnt even read my last message which was 7.30 last night and he hasnt let me know if im seeing him today or not. Half of me wants to jog him on, i deserve more but i actually really like him and im not sure if i am asking too much. I keep forgiving the way he's being with me as he's got so much going on. I dont want to ruin things but i dont know if i am being a mug?

Please help - I am feeling so anxious and just dont know what to do.

Also - when i text him Sat all it said was Hey, hows your Dad? Hope yuou enjoy the party tonight. He didnt even read it until 12 the next day yet he had viewd my instagram stort of that evening :(

Thank you for reading x

I think it's a combination of him having a lot on his plate, and not being all that into you.

I wouldn't count on seeing him today. He'd like already have let you know if he were still interested and able to make it. I think I would let this one go, so you can open yourself to other options who are mutually interested and enthusiastic.

Thank you! Thats what I thought but i didnt want to be too hasty. Im so hurt he hasnt been in touch when we arranged to meet this evening! Its cruel

He is choosing not to include you.

Agree. He's not that into you combined with a lot going on for him and you are texting and chasing way too much. Lay way back on the anxiety and texting.

You learned last time with him, that he is not a constant texter as well as not as eager and anxious as you and you hit him the preemptive strike rant of "you're clearly not interested".

It may be time to admit you are incompatible and to stop checking your phone constantly and base everything on number of texts response times etc. in general.

-i met a guy in 2017 and we had a couple of dates, he went pretty distant on me after the second date so i sent him a message saying 'you're clearly not interested blah blah'

 

He isnt overly chatty on texts and its usualy me that starts the conversations or asks to see him

It one of two options, either he is not that into you or he is into you but needs a little push. I have a similar story, this guy.. he's pooping in every now and again, not realy into a serious relationship but also never really dissappearing. I'm not sure what to think and I still debating on a course of action. I bought this e-book from this relationship Guru.. I started reading it now and it has a lot of insights. I will start following his advise and hope for the best :)

Thank you all so much! I didnt think i was texting him all that much, we would sometimes go 2/3 days with no chat. Sometimes he would text and ask how my day is or as how i am etc.. When i saw him last Tuesday it was only for about 40 mins and it was him that suggested hasmging out again but for longer. I suggested the weekend and he said he will let me know (dependidn on childcare) then he just didt, i dont get it. He also text me Tuesday night saying 'It was nice to see you earlier babe' I honestly am just so confused and its taking up so much of my energy - I wish it wouldnt but i cant help think about whats gone wrong :(

Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" . It may clear up this and any future confusion.

Ok, thank you! Is that an actual book or is that a bit of a dig?

Thank you all so much! I didnt think i was texting him all that much, we would sometimes go 2/3 days with no chat. Sometimes he would text and ask how my day is or as how i am etc.. When i saw him last Tuesday it was only for about 40 mins and it was him that suggested hasmging out again but for longer. I suggested the weekend and he said he will let me know (dependidn on childcare) then he just didt, i dont get it. He also text me Tuesday night saying 'It was nice to see you earlier babe' I honestly am just so confused and its taking up so much of my energy - I wish it wouldnt but i cant help think about whats gone wrong :(

Actions speak louder than words. Calling you "babe" is meaningless when it's not supported by actions.

I personally wouldn't waste more time with this guy. You reconnected in August and it took until Christmas to actually see him, and now this. This just isn't the behaviour of a guy who is sincerely into you and wants to take this further. He's fine keeping it pretty casual, whereas it's clear you want something more. It's a struggle to actually have a date, after months of communicating. This is probably as far as it's ever going to go, OP.

Ok, thank you! Is that an actual book or is that a bit of a dig?

It's a very well-known book.

OP sorry but you are wasting time and mental energy on someone who is showing you crystal-clearly that he isn't into you at all. It isn't anything you have or haven't done and it isn't that he has a lot on his plate. When a bloke wants you he will make it clear to you, there'll be no doubt in your mind and he will make time.

Thank you so much! I honestly appreciate you helping me! I sound like a psycho but Im honestly not, I just like this guy and am confuesd as to why it hasnt worked out - we get on so well and are both attracted to each other. I think its time to move on though - you're right.

I have orderd the book off ebay :)

It is hard to move on but you will thank your self in the future for it. You can waste your best years on men like this, you deserve better.

Ahh thank you :) I just keep thinking its because he gone through so much and has a lot on his plate. I have felt like i need to be patient with him but i think enough is enough now. Its awful as everyione i meet seems to do the same thing to me, men always disapear on me. I am not a needy person at all and 100% dont come across like it to men. Its horrible to think i will never find someone :(

I've had loads of flakey men in my time, wasted years with one of them hoping for improvement and nothing came. Cut loose while you are ahead and leave the space for someone better to come in. I don't know why men are so flakey these days, I think there is lots of fear around it. Online dating etc. means there is always the next one and options, some men don't want to make the effort to even find out if they could have something with you.

 

Basically i met a guy in 2017 and we had a couple of dates, he went pretty distant on me after the second date so i sent him a message saying 'you're clearly not interested blah blah' he messaged back saying he is sorry he hasnt been in touch he found out his ex (his daughters mum) was diagnosed with cancer.

 

Your mistake was not aborting this mission after this^ happened.

When a man goes quiet, disappears after second date, you don't chase him down with "clearly you're not interested" blah blah, you let him disappear and move on.

IF he were into you, and his ex really was just diagnosed with cancer, he would have told you, not just disappeared.

But you pushed on, basically chasing him, and it all went downhill from there, with him continuing to flake, using his family as excuses so you couldn't get pissed at him. It's classic.

So he flakes on dates, doesn't even have the decency to contact you, you chase him down, asking if you're still on, he has yet another excuse, rinse, repeat. Arghh!

Please stop doing that!!

Let him flake and just move on.

This guy was not "too busy" or had "a lot on his plate."

His excuses were just that, excuses.

He's not into you, period the end.

May have commitment issues as well, but who cares, he's a flake!

Lesson learned for next time.

Reading all your replies is making me see sense! Thank you so much

I have orderd the book off ebay :)

It's an awesome book and a really easy read... and pretty darn accurate if you ask me! When I follow the advice in the book and pay attention to the cues objectively I can tell pretty much right away whether someone is interested in dating me or not.