I have been dating a guy for a year and every so often he flips and gets aggressive for no reason. Mostly alcohol is involved and he is verbally aggressive and sometimes shows physical aggression. My question is can this problem ever go away despite him promising it won’t happen again. We have currently broken up but I feel deep down that he wants to change and I want to help him. Would u give up on him. Hes 44. Never been married.
Last edited by Vikki Blue; 02-04-2019 at 03:42 AM. Reason: Spelling mistake
No, it probably won't go away and abuse tends to escalate. You should not stay with an abusive man hoping he'll change. Most abusers swear they'll change but they don't.
It's not enough saying he'll change. He needs therapy (lots of), stop drinking and have treatment for alcohol addiction and stay away from relationships while he's still a toxic person. If he hasn't done that no, I wouldn't count on change and I wouldn't waste years of my life waiting.
You are in an abusive relationship you need to end asap. You need to get out and block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps asap.
You need to make an appt. with a therapist asap and discover why you are in a violent situation. You need to start educating yourself on abusive relationships and the Cycle of Violence, Google it right Now.
Then call a therapist. Then end it and block and delete him from your life.Originally Posted by Vikki Blue
If he did stop drinking and attended AA meetings, he'd be told by the program not to take on anything new in his life while recovering, like relationships, getting a pet, buying a home, etc. Perhaps you breaking up with him will lead him down this route, and maybe it won't. Just let him go to do what he's going to do while you go no contact so you can have closure and heal.
Vow to cut a man off who commits a crime against you like verbal or physical abuse, the first time he does it. Perhaps years from now he will seek you out and tell you he has been sober for several years and been through anger management classes, and then if you're still single you can decide if you want to risk seeing if he's truly changed. I wouldn't hold onto that hope however, so you can move on with your life. Good luck.
He may want to change but he hasn't has he?
He needs to do this on his own and for himself, not you. If you stick around "helping" all you will be doing is showing him that even if he is abusive people will stick with him so why change?
He has SERIOUS issues that need attention and you should not and cannot be his therapist.
You can do way better than an abusive man that flies off the handle after a couple of drinks. Being alone is way better than that...
Go total NC, heal from this and then when you feel up to it start dating new people. He is not the one for you or anyone else.
Lost
It's not about what you feel, it's about what he does.
Did he stop drinking completely, not even a sniff? No. Is he going to AA? No. Did he check into rehab? No. Is he going to a psychiatrist who specializes in addictions? No.
So, you need to accept reality that he isn't going to change and being an angry alcoholic, he is going to get worse and more violent with time. Angry drunks can turn into dangerous drunks as their body has a bad reaction to alcohol. In fact, over time, the intolerance to any amount of alcohol increases. Even a few sips can turn him into a raging violent drunk who will punch the daylights out of you. I'm sure once sober, he'll be terribly sorry. Too bad you'll be getting stitches and needing new teeth. There is no happily ever after with him OP and I hope you actually wrap your mind around that and stay far far away from him.
Even if he checked into rehab today, he would be told that he can't date or be in any relationship for at least a year as he goes through the process of addiction rehab. If you care, OP, then walk away and hope that if he loses enough people in his life, it will eventually drive him to seek help. That's the only true effective help you can give him Sticking around is enabling.
You broke up with him so stop talking to him and for goodness sakes, don't think that you can help him. He needs professional help with a therapist, an anger management course and a woman to leave him and stay gone so he understands that he can't keep doing what he's doing or he'll end up alone. He's 44 and never been married... can you guess why?Originally Posted by Vikki Blue
I wouldn't give up on him, but I wouldn't be a partner with him.Originally Posted by Vikki Blue
Unless he, and only he seeks professional help, I doubt there will be any change. People can and do overcome anger and alcohol. But you can't do it for him. And you can only help from a distance, if you choose to help at all. You might want to seek out Al-Anon if alcohol was frequently involved. They can provide the most knowledgeable answers.
unfortunately, he won't change, but you will....
I was in love with a guy for 5 years.... he had a temper. In the beginning, I recognized that I did not like the temper but I thought I could deal with it.
the sad truth was: however and for whatever reason, that was his way of coping... anger, emotional black mail, alcohol abuse, rage, mean hurtful things said to hurt... then sorry.
every time I forgave him, I showed him that he, his feelings, etc was more important than mine.
now, anger for me, is a deal breaker. people continue a behavior as long as it "works" for them and they will never regret it or really change. Not as long as you keep tolerating and giving chances...
get out now.... save yourself. if he changes on his own, down the road, and you cross paths or whatever again, you could be on equal ground. but right now I run! you're broken up... count it as a blessing and heal yourself.
I wouldn't wish my 5 years on egg shells on anyone. yes, we had good times. I loved parts of him but what I love most about him now- the lesson learned. never again.
You can't help someone stop being abusive. Honestly, how would one go about that?Originally Posted by Vikki Blue
He has to have the desire and commitment too. It's on based on whether you will stay or go or help him for that matter.
Much like an drug addict, he recognizes he has a serious problem and really wants to change, for him. Not to manipulate an outcome.
People abuse for very deep seated reasons. It's not something you are equipped to help him with.
A perfect abuse tactic is someone who lures you back with promises to change, only to complete the abusive cycle all over again and again.
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