"Exclusive with no committment" is this BS??

Hey all.

Since this site was so helpful when I had a LTR breakup- I figured I could use some insight on my new dating experiences (yay for writing something thats NOT about my ex!)

I met this man in October. He is 41- I am 30. Very early on when we first started hanging out, he communicated with me that he did not want a relationship or any kind of commitment. I was fine with this. We spent the last few months spending 1-2 nights together a week where we cook together, talk, laugh... all the things "couples" would do.

Recently, He happened to notice that I still had dating apps on my phone. He mentioned it and expressed that his feelings regarding a relationship have NOT changed... however, he was uncomfortable with me still dating. I assured him that I am not sleeping with anyone else, but, my long term goals include finding a partner who wishes to have the marriage, kids, future...etc...

This man could not offer me this and I respect him entirely....however, I did not feel that it would be right for me to lose my single status to a man that will not call me his girlfriend. I have worked very hard on myself since my big breakup.. and i do believe i deserve what im looking for.

We called it quits today. It was much more upsetting than i expected it to be. I care about him greatly. He said more than once to me today "i love you".... but still could not offer me any chance of future commitment. I did not say this in return as I do not throw that around lightly.

I feel terrible for walking away however I know it would hurt more the longer I waited around for this man to change his mind.

Did I do the right thing? Is asking me to be exclusive but not giving me even the slightest hope of a future a selfish move on his part?

Would love to hear thoughts on this.

He clearly enjoyed our casual arrangement... it was just very confusing to hear him say "I love you" as i was in tears leaving.

Thanks you guys

You made the right decision!!!!!!! He is a waste of time!

I do not understand. he wants to be exclusive and loves you, but wants no commitment? Please explain? I don't think many women would tolerate this, unless they were having an affair. This guy has unrealistic expectations.

What type of commitment were you asking for?

Yes you did the right thing, absolutely.

And yes he may very well love you, but love and wanting commitment are not mutually exclusive.

You can love someone but not want commitment and you can want commitment without loving the person.

He was honest with you, straight from the beginning. He did not mislead you in any way.

But the bottom line is he does not want commitment, period end of.

He has his reasons no doubt and they have nothing to do with you.

I do think it's unfair he expects you to be exclusive though, that part is selfish of him, imo.

Anyway, walk away and treasure the memories. Hopefully you learned something from the experience.

Find a man who is looking for commitment, ultimately.

Since this is clearly want you want too, ultimately.

"You can love someone but not want commitment"

I don't get this?

"You can love someone but not want commitment"

 

I don't get this?

Some people just don't want commitment Holly, they prefer to feel free with no responsibilities.

Love does sometimes change this mind frame but not always.

Who knows why they feel that way, horrific prior marriage or relationship or perhaps it's just their nature like Denys (Robert Redford) in Out of Africa.

He prefers to feel free, no entanglements, despite loving Karen (Meryl Streep).

Thanks for the feedback!

I do respect him and his reasons. Im not one to pressure someone into something they arent ready for.

Holly- i think the type of commitment i was looking for at this point was more some reassurance that we would be headed in a direction that lead long term. I want to grow and progress with someone naturally. Start spending more time together, integrating our lives together....

I didnt want to be a girl he sleeps with but is NOT his girlfriend.

It doesn't matter if you label him selfish or not. The only thing you have to know is that you two have different dating goals, and so you made the right decision in leaving. Don't waste anymore energy into trying to figure him out. Go no contact to make your closure go faster.

I don't think it means he wasn't or isn't "ready" for it.

He made it clear he does not want it -- like ever. His prerogative.

He's in his 40's, he knows what he wants, capable of delivering. Or doesn't want.

As Andrina said, find a man who shares the same goals as you.

What you did was brilliant! You know what you want and what you don't want out of life regardless of how you feel about someone, the deal, the arrangement, the life goals have to be the same or you will end up wasting time not getting what you want out of life. Many, many women make this mistake, they bide their time, they hope for change, they think love is some magic potion that will wave its want of stardust and suddenly perfect dreams will come true, and these women waste years and years of their life being a victim of their own denial of reality. I say good for you, it hurts to lose someone you love but it can hurt to lose yourself into something that isn't what you want much more.

As for him, no his expectations are not unrealistic because sadly many women would fall into what he was asking for, exclusivity without commitment. I think it has become more common over recent years. He was simply hoping that you would be agreeable to this sort of arrangement, you can't blame the guy for asking, what a sweet deal for him if he could pull it off.

....NEXT!

What you did was brilliant! You know what you want and what you don't want out of life regardless of how you feel about someone, the deal, the arrangement, the life goals have to be the same or you will end up wasting time not getting what you want out of life. Many, many women make this mistake, they bide their time, they hope for change, they think love is some magic potion that will wave its want of stardust and suddenly perfect dreams will come true, and these women waste years and years of their life being a victim of their own denial of reality. I say good for you, it hurts to lose someone you love but it can hurt to lose yourself into something that isn't what you want much more.

 

As for him, no his expectations are not unrealistic because sadly many women would fall into what he was asking for, exclusivity without commitment. I think it has become more common over recent years. He was simply hoping that you would be agreeable to this sort of arrangement, you can't blame the guy for asking, what a sweet deal for him if he could pull it off.

 

....NEXT!

Well said!!

You did the right thing. Your life values were incompatible and at 41 he was not going to change. Even if he "loves" you his version of love is a selfish one. He would only be a waste of time. No self-respecting woman would settle for this warped version "love".

Unfortunately you want to very different things. He seems to want sexually exclusive casual dating/fwb and you want a dating situation with a future/commitment. Excellent you decided to end this neither here nor there conflict of interests.

Don't get strung along with meaningless words. Why waste your time playing house together? Why play games with each other? Now you both are free to pursue situations consistent with your respective goals. Good call. Delete and block him to prevent any further confusion.

I met this man in October. He is 41- I am 30. Very early on when we first started hanging out, he communicated with me that he did not want a relationship or any kind of commitment. We spent the last few months spending 1-2 nights together a week where we cook together, talk, laugh.

 

I assured him that I am not sleeping with anyone else, but, my long term goals include finding a partner who wishes to have the marriage, kids, future...etc...

 

We called it quits today.

He clearly enjoyed our casual arrangement... it was just very confusing to hear him say "I love you" as i was in tears leaving.

100% you did the right thing. If he cannot meet your needs in terms of a relationship he has no right trying to set the boundaries. Well done you for stating what you want and what you won't accept.

It is possible to love someone but not want a relationship for other factors. I met a girl,we hit it off and slept together but I knew that within 12 months I would be going abroad for work but she kept coming round even though I stated numerous times I would be leaving. It was difficult we both loved each other but I just could not commit.

"You can love someone but not want commitment"

I don't get this?'

__

I do.

OP - well done.

Thanks for the feedback!

I do respect him and his reasons. Im not one to pressure someone into something they arent ready for.

 

Holly- i think the type of commitment i was looking for at this point was more some reassurance that we would be headed in a direction that lead long term. I want to grow and progress with someone naturally. Start spending more time together, integrating our lives together....

I didnt want to be a girl he sleeps with but is NOT his girlfriend.

Thanks. I totally agree. You shouldn't settle for less.

Some people just don't want commitment Holly, they prefer to feel free with no responsibilities.

 

Love does sometimes change this mind frame but not always.

 

Who knows why they feel that way, horrific prior marriage or relationship or perhaps it's just their nature like Denys (Robert Redford) in Out of Africa.

 

He prefers to feel free, no entanglements, despite loving Karen (Meryl Streep).

Thanks. Just don't get how someone would risk losing someone they say they love.

What you did was brilliant! You know what you want and what you don't want out of life regardless of how you feel about someone, the deal, the arrangement, the life goals have to be the same or you will end up wasting time not getting what you want out of life. Many, many women make this mistake, they bide their time, they hope for change, they think love is some magic potion that will wave its want of stardust and suddenly perfect dreams will come true, and these women waste years and years of their life being a victim of their own denial of reality. I say good for you, it hurts to lose someone you love but it can hurt to lose yourself into something that isn't what you want much more.

 

As for him, no his expectations are not unrealistic because sadly many women would fall into what he was asking for, exclusivity without commitment. I think it has become more common over recent years. He was simply hoping that you would be agreeable to this sort of arrangement, you can't blame the guy for asking, what a sweet deal for him if he could pull it off.

 

....NEXT!

Great advice!

Thanks. Just don't get how someone would risk losing someone they say they love.

Some people take the word love seriously. For others, it's just emotional manipulation. In this particular case, OP had the courage and self respect to leave a situation that doesn't meet her needs and what she wants for herself. Dangling the "I love you" as she was walking out on him was the proverbial Hail Mary attempt to keep her in this one sided arrangement that's convenient for him. The reality is that he isn't interested in commitment and his words are really just a fraud meant to manipulate her.

It kind of worked too as she is here posting and feeling very confused.

OP, I hope you stay strong and stick with your decision to leave him. You are 10000% on the right track in terms of cutting off someone who is not on the same page as you and moving on. You can't find the man you really want and the relationship you really want when you are wasting time on guys like this. Even if you aren't emotionally invested, you are still wasting time and becoming complacent in your search. You are cooking dinner and having sex with him instead of going out on a date with someone who wants what you want. Keep that in mind going forward. If you meet a guy and he indicates that he isn't looking for what you want, drop him immediately, even faster than what you did this time. You are on the right track and doing great.

Some people take the word love seriously. For others, it's just emotional manipulation. In this particular case, OP had the courage and self respect to leave a situation that doesn't meet her needs and what she wants for herself. Dangling the "I love you" as she was walking out on him was the proverbial Hail Mary attempt to keep her in this one sided arrangement that's convenient for him. The reality is that he isn't interested in commitment and his words are really just a fraud meant to manipulate her.

 

It kind of worked too as she is here posting and feeling very confused.

 

OP, I hope you stay strong and stick with your decision to leave him. You are 10000% on the right track in terms of cutting off someone who is not on the same page as you and moving on. You can't find the man you really want and the relationship you really want when you are wasting time on guys like this. Even if you aren't emotionally invested, you are still wasting time and becoming complacent in your search. You are cooking dinner and having sex with him instead of going out on a date with someone who wants what you want. Keep that in mind going forward. If you meet a guy and he indicates that he isn't looking for what you want, drop him immediately, even faster than what you did this time. You are on the right track and doing great.

exclusive with no committment is basically FWB.

Is it BS? That depends on what you want with them. If you're agreeable to an FWB - no it's not BS. If you want a full on relationsihp - it's BS.

Good luck.

Dangling the "I love you" as she was walking out on him was the proverbial Hail Mary attempt to keep her in this one sided arrangement that's convenient for him. The reality is that he isn't interested in commitment and his words are really just a fraud meant to manipulate her.

 

It kind of worked too as she is here posting and feeling very confused.

 

OP, I hope you stay strong and stick with your decision to leave him. You are 10000% on the right track in terms of cutting off someone who is not on the same page as you and moving on. You can't find the man you really want and the relationship you really want when you are wasting time on guys like this. Even if you aren't emotionally invested, you are still wasting time and becoming complacent in your search. You are cooking dinner and having sex with him instead of going out on a date with someone who wants what you want. Keep that in mind going forward. If you meet a guy and he indicates that he isn't looking for what you want, drop him immediately, even faster than what you did this time. You are on the right track and doing great.

Totally agree.

"Exclusive with no committment" is this BS??

It would be BS for me, except for one context. When meeting people for dating I'm clear about exactly WHY you are dating. I'm relationship material, so I'm not going to bother dating anyone who is not. I ask whether a guy views himself the same way. If not, or he's not sure, then he might be the greatest guy on the planet, but 'we' are not a match.

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds. So I'm dating to screen OUT people in order to eventually find the RIGHT match for me. It makes no sense to latch onto wrong matches in the hope that they will somehow evolve into a good match--have you noticed?

So the only context I'd stick around for exclusivity with no commitment is for an agreed in-between time while we're still trying to figure out whether 'we' will commit to staying a 'we,' but we're taking other dating off the table in order to focus on one another.

In your case, you were mismatched from the start. He was clear about where he stands on relationships, while the whole reason you're dating is to find a relationship. So there's no match there, and you were smart to 'next' him.

Head high.

Thanks again, you guys... also... funny side note...

I posted this and BOOM the big ex emails me. Ughhhhh its like they smell us moving on.

Thanks again, you guys... also... funny side note...

I posted this and BOOM the big ex emails me. Ughhhhh its like they smell us moving on.

LOL....omg yes I really think they do somehow. Isn't it amazing? I hope you are moved on enough to laugh and delete. Stay strong.

It's so contradictory. No wonder you feel thrown off.

By him insisting there is no future suggests there should be no attachment, emotionally or otherwise. But for him to get twisted over a dating app shows his emorional attachment to you, right?

He wants to secure his spot and at the same time remind you there's nothing in this for you.

Buh bye

And when he comes sniffing around after the fact suggests he could very well cave under duress. But who wants someone on those terms? Hardly romantic.

Only you will know.