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Thread: Staying after cheating???

  1. #1
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    Staying after cheating???

    Found out my boyfriend cheated on me, not sure how to get past this and maintain our relationship????

    SORRY FOR THE ESSAY, please read and lend me your advise. I'm desperate.

    I have been in a long term relationship for over a year now and we are currently living together. We met on a dating app. We have a pretty trustworthy relationship and until now i haven't felt the need to look through his private messages. However, after having a serious concern about his relationship with one of his friends, i decided to check it out.They turned out to be purely friends, however, i did uncover something else.

    He had messaged another girl (from his old work) for phone sex, one month into our relationship. At the time we were doing long distance. We lived about an hour and a half away from each other, but caught up atleast twice a week. From the messages, it was implied that they had been physically intimate recently, and my partner was wondering if they could "catch up" and "do the same things as last time? 😉". To which she said "what's your snapchat so we can "talk" on there 😉". I've had enough phone sex to know when it's being instigated. From there the rest is on snapchat - gone for good i guess.

    I confronted him. He said it was a one off thing, he realised what he did was wrong immediately and blocked her on everything. (Not what his messages would suggest, he tried contacting her afterwards but she ignored him). He then went onto say that she meant nothing to him, that they had sex over a year before our relationship and that was it.

    THINGS I'M PISSED OFF ABOUT

    - i asked him why? He said we were still so early in our relationship and unsure about each other, and the distance was too much 💔 BUT it was phone sex. Literally the type of sex people can do long distance... to which he said, "yeah, but i didn't want to do that with you yet, i wanted you to be different from all the other girls". The . So instead he decided to outsource to a random meaningless girl from his past??.. which begs to question, why would a random girl from your past WANT to have phone sex with you? If you hadn't had any contact for over a year?? And i can't ever know for sure when it stopped happening, because of snapchat 😪

    - And as for early in our relationship?!?! We were dating, i.e. publically boyfriend and girlfriend. That very morning he told me i was his world and that he loved me. That very night before he did it, he messaged me a paragraph telling me to stay safe (i was going out for a friends bday) and to message him because he worries about me, and loves me etc. Etc. Etc. I replied telling him how much i loved him and not to worry.. to which he said he i meant everything to him.. then minutes later he was messaging this girl for sex. Minutes.

    - The week before it happened i lost my virginity to him. I was terrified. I had made my intentions clear to him beforehand, i wanted it to be with someone who loved me and whom i trusted. Then this happened a week later..

    LONG STORY SHORT..
    what do i do?
    Is this forgivable?
    I love him and want to be with him, but i don't know what is true anymore. I feel used. When we first started talking he promised me that there was no one else. He was my first relationship and things moved very fast between us. I thought that was because of the brilliant connection that we shared, but now I'm doubtful. I wonder if he was rushing it because he didn't want it to last, for me to be just another girl, but then he developed feelings and decided not to tell me.

    And i don't know if this was the only girl?? Or the only time?? I'm scared and frustrated. He wants us to get over it, but I'm having a hard time. Please help me xx

  2. #2
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    He cheated on you and lied to you about everything. I would not be able that trust him, especially after only one year! Your bf is full of sh$t!

    When was the last time they communicated before you caught him?

    I am very sorry that you are dealing with this creep!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'd cut my losses and break up with the cheater. Doesn't seem worth the investment. Better now than endure constant cheating while you already have kids and a whole life together under your belt.

  4. #4
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    This isn't about him or how he feels about you or how you feel about him. This is about you and how you feel about you.

    When you look at the future and the sort of man you want to spend it with, does he fit that description? Do you deserve a future full of doubts about your guy, wondering what is the truth and what is the story he wants you to believe or do you want a future with a guy whom you know is solid, never lets you down, doesn't tell you lies and sticks with you through the hard times ? What is your bottom line, what do you want, what sort of relationship, with what sort of guy? Think about that, because you can only chose one, is this one good enough? There are lots out there, he isn't the only one.

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  6. #5
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    Well if you are doubtful, feel used, and no longer trust him, I don't see as you have much choice but to leave.

    It really doesn't matter what anyone else would do, you are the one in a relationship with him.

    Other than feeling used, which I don't quite understand, I think your feelings are justified, but I dunno, phone sex with another woman only one month in, very very early stages.

    Again it would be a tough call for me personally.

    IF everything since then has been good and solid, he's been a loving, caring, respectful bf, I might be able to see past it, but again I dunno, I've never experienced anything like that, so I just don't know.

    If it had been "in person" sex, the decision would be easier.

    What I do know is sometimes indiscretions like this, especially when they happen very early in, can actually bring a couple closer if they can work through it and re-establish trust. I've seen it happen.

    But it's really your call, spend some time alone reflecting, not just about this but about your entire relationship since then. And your future together.

    If you find you are unable to trust him, then end it.

  7. #6
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    I wouldnít... but ironically not because of the girl he cheated with but because of the girl he didnít cheat with.

    The truth of the matter is that you already donít trust him. You donít trust him to the point of snooping through his phone. Not just snooping through his phone... but snooping back over a year over multiple people. You didnít just check on that one girl and stop... you kept going. What that says to me is that you REALLY donít trust him. Your gut is on fire.

    If it had only been that one thing... I might find a way to forgive. One month in is early days - and you were long distance, etc. But itís not that one thing. Heís generally shady or you would not have looked in the first place.

    Trust your gut. This guy is not trustworthy.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    As to staying with a cheater, it may look good on paper, but as a rule the relationship is never the same. It's your call, and hopefully the choice you make is decided in a realistic manner.

  9. #8
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    '- The week before it happened i lost my virginity to him'

    OP, this tells me you're very young. How old are you if I may ask? How old is he?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You can forgive but the message you are sending is it's ok and you'll put up with anything to keep him. If he wants you to be a doormat and you want to be a doormat then continue.

    His telling you to "get over it" indicates that he doesn't respect or care about you or your feelings just as cheating on you in itself indicates he doesn't respect or care about you or your feelings.
    Originally Posted by Anonymiss246
    -Found out my boyfriend cheated on me
    -Is this forgivable?
    -I love him and want to be with him
    -He wants us to get over it

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He cheated on you, might still be cheating for all you know. On top of that, he is using the typical cheater lines, lies, and excuses. He isn't bothered or sorry for what he did. Pay attention to how he responded - he felt entitled. This isn't a guy you forgive and stay with, this is a guy you run away from screaming and make sure he can't find you ever again. Yes, it's that bad.

    In general, beware of relationships where things start out hot and heavy, you seem to have this amazing instant connection and things are just moving at a million miles an hour. That's a big red flag that you should beware of and pump the brakes on hard and fast. I'd write this off as a lesson learned and move on. Real connection takes time to build and it takes time to genuinely get to know each other.

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