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New date got me feeling down


RKO

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I've been pretty happy being single and dating this winter, I'd like to find someone but I've been happy by myself really.

 

This year I've had 3 dates, 1st lady I didn't feel it and she didn't either and told me after the date which was fine.

 

2nd lady she was nice and I'd like to have seen her again but after the date she said she didn't see me in a romantic way.

 

I was a little disheartened and a bruise to my ego as I usually get a 2nd date at least.

 

3rd lady was Friday just gone, I felt a connection instantly and honestly had such a good time and laugh with her, she seemed to enjoy herself too. Afterwards I asked if she would like to do it again and she said yes has she had such a great time.

 

All good but since then her replies have to messages have been few and far between and not really leaving a chance to strike up a conversation.

 

We had been messaging for a couple of weeks before meeting and looking back we have been texting pretty much constant all day every day, I was surprised how much we talked looking at it now. Basically her texting pattern has changed a whole bunch since we met. I've fallen into an old bad habit which I hate myself for and checking when online last/message read, basically leaving me on unread for a long time despite being online. I'm not sure if she was like this before as never checked.

 

My gut feeling and past experiences tell me exactly what's happening here and that I'm about to be ghosted and shes not that interested, my last message was telling her my availability for this coming week and asking which day would suit her to meet up again.

 

I met this girl on bumble (she had to message 1st) she got her phone out Friday to show me a funny video on YouTube and there were notifications on her phone from other guys she was speaking to

 

The previous 2 dates I really appreciated the honesty of the 2 girls in saying straight away.

 

Im really getting so jaded with dating now, it seems who ever I get to like just doesn't like me back, it's making me feel ugly, worthless, questioning if I'm even a nice person and what's so wrong with me. I'm 37, all my friends are with partners, or married and family, and here's me a million miles away from that.

 

I'm feeling so down with it all I'm considering just being by myself my whole life and just concentrating on things in my life that make me happy.

 

I've never felt like this before I really need some guidance.

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Sorry you feel so down! I think you have to adjust your expectations a lot. Many people change their minds after meeting someone a few times and it's not "ghosting" -there's no relationship, it's just silence instead of the "sorry I'm not clicking with you that way" or "you're sooooo amazing but between doing laundry once a week and pairing my socks and putting a meal in a crockpot I simply don't have time to devote time to you and you deserve the best!!!!". Please -is that what you want for your "ego"? I personally always preferred silence early on. Yes if someone agrees to a time/place date and changes her mind of course she should let you know -I'm talking about your situations.

 

Take a break for about a week and enjoy all the other stuff you have going on and then get back in the saddle. And work on that thick skin. I'd also stop texting all day with near strangers- get to know people in person.

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I see what you are saying.

The messaging so often I didn't realise was happening, it was just rolling naturally, quite a strange one.

 

I had been on a dating break since about November as I had a lot on over christmas.

 

I think it's just dissapointment, I didn't meet someone that I have that good of a time with often and feel like they are into you just as much too. I just like knowing where I stand

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Keep the momentum up by texting about the next date. For example "what kind of food do you like, is there a place you could recommend for this Friday?, "wanna try xyz next Sat?" Keep texting to a minimum and brief with simple, "how was your day" or "work was great today, what about you"? But avoid long and frequent text convos. Save the convos for in person dates.

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When you put it in perspective, what a miracle it would be if the first person you went on a date with would match you in every way, including feeling chemistry with each other, share the same dating style, have the same life goals, sexual compatibility, same ethics, etc. One usually has to date a boatload of people before this miracle happens.

 

After my first marriage ended, it was my goal to find a lifetime partner. I had to resort to OLD, as my other options were limited. I had to go on dates with 30 men, most ending on the 1st date, a few lasting slightly longer, before finding the man who would become my husband. The experience was frustrating and upsetting, but ultimately worth all the aggravation.

 

Yes, it would be nice if a person was clearcut on their interest or disinterest, but you can't control how other people will behave. I had only found out about, and attended, a few meet up group activities before I met my husband, but enjoyed them as a less stressful way to meet singles in my age group. I recommend you go to Meetup.com to see what groups are available in your area. Good luck.

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If you were truly at the point of not minding being single I think you'd be less phased. Don't lose heart, keep doing you, you will reach a point where you are comfortable both rejecting and being rejected and at that point, you are truly in a good place to date. (Also, the lesson from this is meet them in person ASAP)

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Usually I would have met them before now, it's just we've had horrific snow and I've not been able to leave the house for a week.

 

Im fine with rejection, see 2nd date, I liked her but was cool about it, it's just when I REALLY like someone I get this feeling. It's literally every time

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The best way to feel really crummy about yourself and your lot in life is to compare yourself to others. It is not that OLD is such a bad rap for you, it is that you have set yourself up for your own disapproval by saying to yourself that you are less than your friends because they are paired up and you are not. Keep in mind that as life marches along from 37 yrs old, those friends may also become unpaired and facing the very same dating frustrations that you are going through today.

 

The most attractive guys are those that are happy and content with their lives, have lots of extra curricular activities via sports, hobbies, recreation and volunteering. The biggest irony of all, is that if you have a full life where you engage in all of these things, you tend to find many more dating opportunities IRL and so become less reliant on OLD, when less reliant on it, you will be able to deal with the ups and downs of it much easier.

 

Lastly, keep texting to a minimum, there is risk in building a virtual rapport with a stranger because there is no guarantee it is genuine, a person can say or be anything via text and it is easy to get lulled into a lengthy text exchange with a stranger. Take control of that by using text only for info exchanges, time date place etc., and focus on getting to the meet. You might be able to manage the 2nd date issue best by texting a day after a good first date with a very direct question about having a 2nd date, if its a yes, get the time date place thing nailed asap, if they don't answer within 24 hrs of you asking if they'd still like to have a 2nd date, assume its a no, forget about them and move on.

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If you were truly at the point of not minding being single I think you'd be less phased.

 

Can't help but feel this is what's going on under the hood here.

 

I get that you got a little thrown, which always sucks. Still, here's how I'd be looking at things: one month, three dates, no shared sparks, all good!

 

If this one instance of almost-sparks is enough to have you considering "being by myself my whole life"—well, I'm sorry, but that's a wildly fatalistic attitude for someone not yet 40. It's also a lot to bring to the table on a date, you know? People can sometimes sense that energy. It can be a bit overwhelming. Just something to file away.

 

I love dating. I hate dating. What I mean is: I date when I'm ready, and don't when I'm not.

 

What's ready mean? It basically means barely giving a damn what someone thinks of me or what I think of them—for at least a few dates. For, like, a month. They can (these are all real examples) seem into me, then not. They can have sex with me for four passionate days, then let me know on the fifth that they're involved with too many other people to continue with me. They can "soft ghost" me—my expression for vanishing after a date or two. I can "soft ghost" them. They can be boring. They can think I'm boring. They can be a mediocre kisser, an awful kisser, the best kisser on the planet, and can deem me all of the above. They can really, really excite me—at least until I get home, match with someone else, hang with a friend, get busy with work, and suddenly I realize I don't want to go on another date and never talk to them again. They can circle back around in a week or two or three. I can circle around myself.

 

And all of that is all good. Sometimes exciting, sometimes disappointing, but basically just dating. Seeing what sticks and what doesn't.

 

When I'm not ready everything I just described is basically pure insanity. Nukes on the emotional equilibrium. And I go into dates, or even just the apps, like a madman, a Chernobyl surviver—and, well, it's not a cute look or a nice way to feel. And so I don't date for a bit, to let the smoke clear.

 

Everyone's got a different threshold. It's all about building a thick skin so that you can be open to all the possibilities.

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Thanks for the above, I was honest and told her I was getting the vibes she wasn't interested, she came clean...

 

Said she's only been single 4 months and wasn't expecting to enjoy our date and like me as much as she did and that's scared her a bit and she's not sure if she's ready for dating.

Told me to give her a little bit more time before date 2 just to get her head around things and then meet up, said that she wouldn't expect me to hang around and that she imagines I'd be dating other people.

 

Ah man... Why can't I ever pick someone simple. What the hell am I to do with this?

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Ah man... Why can't I ever pick someone simple. What the hell am I to do with this?

 

You know who is also not simple? YOU. And you know what's awesome? THAT.

 

Again, shift in perspective. You're 37, you've seen some things, felt some things, taken some blows. This thread is evidence of all that, of your own complexity and fragility. Most people you date are going to be in the same camp. It's what makes them interesting, compelling—if also, yeah, a bit protective, a bit skittish. Be curious about all that, so someone can be curious about your own soft spots, jitters, and complexities.

 

I'm 39, so basically your age. As far as I can tell, everyone I meet gets a little thrown from a good time, myself included. We all just got to a nice, stable place, and then...boom! Feelings, or the epilogue to feelings. Fun! Scary! Sigh. You just sort of ride it out, seeing if your complexities and another's can coexist and, over time, come to feel simple.

 

So she's told you where she's at—cool. Let it simmer. No need to fret. No biggie. A maybe, a maybe not—life.

 

My only advice is to dial back the "honesty" when it comes to telling someone that their vibes registered as "not interested." Just let these things play out. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone you barely know, who you just enjoyed one nice night with. Let them reveal themselves to you, or not. No need to go into excavation mode, because all you're really doing is asking them to give you information so you can be more calm.

 

Know what's really sexy? People who can calm themselves down. Puts people at ease. Makes them excited for a second date, even if they're just getting back on their own feet.

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Silence after an early date/first meet = clear cut lack of interest. IMO. I think what she wrote is because you prodded her. I think mostly if not all of it is that she is not that into seeing you again or she wouldn't have met you in the first place and she would choose you over fear. No one is rejecting you. These are near strangers choosing not to go on another date with you which is not a rejection of you in the least.

 

And I would be very strict about taking responsibility for your communication choices. If you choose to text all day and choose to get attached -you chose that -it doesn't just "happen".

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Can't help but feel this is what's going on under the hood here.

 

I get that you got a little thrown, which always sucks. Still, here's how I'd be looking at things: one month, three dates, no shared sparks, all good!

 

If this one instance of almost-sparks is enough to have you considering "being by myself my whole life"—well, I'm sorry, but that's a wildly fatalistic attitude for someone not yet 40. It's also a lot to bring to the table on a date, you know? People can sometimes sense that energy. It can be a bit overwhelming. Just something to file away.

 

I love dating. I hate dating. What I mean is: I date when I'm ready, and don't when I'm not.

 

What's ready mean? It basically means barely giving a damn what someone thinks of me or what I think of them—for at least a few dates. For, like, a month. They can (these are all real examples) seem into me, then not. They can have sex with me for four passionate days, then let me know on the fifth that they're involved with too many other people to continue with me. They can "soft ghost" me—my expression for vanishing after a date or two. I can "soft ghost" them. They can be boring. They can think I'm boring. They can be a mediocre kisser, an awful kisser, the best kisser on the planet, and can deem me all of the above. They can really, really excite me—at least until I get home, match with someone else, hang with a friend, get busy with work, and suddenly I realize I don't want to go on another date and never talk to them again. They can circle back around in a week or two or three. I can circle around myself.

 

And all of that is all good. Sometimes exciting, sometimes disappointing, but basically just dating. Seeing what sticks and what doesn't.

 

When I'm not ready everything I just described is basically pure insanity. Nukes on the emotional equilibrium. And I go into dates, or even just the apps, like a madman, a Chernobyl surviver—and, well, it's not a cute look or a nice way to feel. And so I don't date for a bit, to let the smoke clear.

 

Everyone's got a different threshold. It's all about building a thick skin so that you can be open to all the possibilities.

 

What a great attitude!!! I'm pretty much same, more or less.

 

Or try to be.

 

It's called being flexible and resilient both of which are absolutely crucial if you want to be a successful "dater" and enjoy the process, which is supposed to be fun!

 

Try to not take things too seriously RKO, it's a journey and a great learning opportunity.

 

It took me over two years of dating various guys, after my last long term relationship ended, before I found my current bf, be patient with yourself!

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Yea I feel like she's using it as an excuse too tbh, she's said she would like to leave it just for a bit until she's got her head right.

 

I ain't got time for that

 

No disrespect, but that's a pretty harsh attitude about a woman who (a) barely knows you and (b) just opened up about a past relationship that was emotionally and physically abusive.

 

I get that you're disappointed that she wasn't as keen as you thought she was. We all want to be wanted, especially by people who intrigue us. And you did some detective work to understand her shifting vibe, and she complied, providing what sounds not like an "excuse" but like a very sincere explanation of who she is and where she is.

 

If you can learn to be gracious, even in disappointing moments like this, I promise you it will make you more appealing as you're out and about looking to connect.

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RKO please listen to bluecastle, he is so spot on about your attitude.

 

I was going to post myself, not quite as graciously as he, but decided against it as you would have only taken offense.

 

But he is right, there is no reason to be angry or bitter toward this woman, and your response "I ain't got time for that" reflects you are.

 

This was mentioned earlier but your energy/vibe is everything -- it trumps looks, job, money, social status, everything!

 

I get dating is hard, for all of us! But as I said, being flexible and resilient is so important, it allows you to let things roll off, keeps your energy positive, especially after only a few dates, heavens.

 

Which, as bc said makes you much more attractive.

 

Try to put it in its proper perspective, otherwise you will continue to feel bitter and jaded, your negative energy will increase, ultimately turning dates off, thus increasing your bitterness etc, it tends to have a snowball effect.

 

Take a break if you need to, I did, during which I calmed down, and learned to take things less seriously.

 

Soon thereafter I met my current boyfriend!

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Agree. First they are on dating sites advertising their readiness, willingness and ability to date and suddenly they pull this, that or the other out of a hat about some ex. Talking about an ex...blah blah abusive, blah blah psycho, blah blah cheater, etc is Always a red flag.

 

Sorry this happened, there are a lot of tire kickers and time wasters out there. But luckily you found this out about her early enough to just cut the whole thing off.

Yea I feel like she's using it as an excuse too tbh, she's said she would like to leave it just for a bit until she's got her head right.
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You might have 20 more failed dates before you meet the right one you want an relationship with and vice versa. “Rejection” hurts if you can call it that, but I think I’d rather take the stings of a quick rejection of someone not being interested in a second date rather then giving up and facing a life time of loneliness as that will hurt way more in the long run. It happens to me too btw the guys I think seem nice are not interested in me and the ones who I reallly don’t like want to have a second date. Hopefully one day soon I will meet someone again and have mutual interest- we can only keep trying!

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Agree. First they are on dating sites advertising their readiness, willingness and ability to date and suddenly they pull this, that or the other out of a hat about some ex. Talking about an ex...blah blah abusive, blah blah psycho, blah blah cheater, etc is Always a red flag.

 

Sorry this happened, there are a lot of tire kickers and time wasters out there. But luckily you found this out about her early enough to just cut the whole thing off.

 

Yes and that is why I never messaged or talked much before the first meet- enough for a safety screen plus "could I have a pleasant conversation with this person for about an hour". When I made exceptions a few times I found myself getting unrealistic expectations and/or getting attached. And this could happen whether you meet someone in person first or through an online site -

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Thanks guys.

I'm still pretty gutted about it tbh, I've been dating on and off now for 18 months, since becoming single I've really put myself out there so I am meeting all these people.

 

We are still matched on bumble and curiosity has got the best of me since she said "let's leave it for the time being" I've noticed her location hasn't updated at all since, meaning she's not using the app. Seems she genuinely could be telling the truth and not ghosting me.

 

My last message still.remains on unread, basically saying why don't we just meet up again and do something fun like crazy golf, no pressure, hell we might not even feel a connection 2nd date anyway.

 

Not spoke since Sunday, tempted to send a funny Snapchat to her sometime about mouth wash (in joke) just to maybe break the ice?

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