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Thread: New date got me feeling down

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. First they are on dating sites advertising their readiness, willingness and ability to date and suddenly they pull this, that or the other out of a hat about some ex. Talking about an ex...blah blah abusive, blah blah psycho, blah blah cheater, etc is Always a red flag.

    Sorry this happened, there are a lot of tire kickers and time wasters out there. But luckily you found this out about her early enough to just cut the whole thing off.
    Originally Posted by RKO
    Yea I feel like she's using it as an excuse too tbh, she's said she would like to leave it just for a bit until she's got her head right.

  2. #22
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    You might have 20 more failed dates before you meet the right one you want an relationship with and vice versa. “Rejection” hurts if you can call it that, but I think I’d rather take the stings of a quick rejection of someone not being interested in a second date rather then giving up and facing a life time of loneliness as that will hurt way more in the long run. It happens to me too btw the guys I think seem nice are not interested in me and the ones who I reallly don’t like want to have a second date. Hopefully one day soon I will meet someone again and have mutual interest- we can only keep trying!

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree. First they are on dating sites advertising their readiness, willingness and ability to date and suddenly they pull this, that or the other out of a hat about some ex. Talking about an ex...blah blah abusive, blah blah psycho, blah blah cheater, etc is Always a red flag.

    Sorry this happened, there are a lot of tire kickers and time wasters out there. But luckily you found this out about her early enough to just cut the whole thing off.
    Yes and that is why I never messaged or talked much before the first meet- enough for a safety screen plus "could I have a pleasant conversation with this person for about an hour". When I made exceptions a few times I found myself getting unrealistic expectations and/or getting attached. And this could happen whether you meet someone in person first or through an online site -

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Get back out there....

    it's rough but life change on a dime.... just cause it hasn't happened... doesn't mean it won't.

    hang in there! keep going!

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  6. #25
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    Thanks guys.
    I'm still pretty gutted about it tbh, I've been dating on and off now for 18 months, since becoming single I've really put myself out there so I am meeting all these people.

    We are still matched on bumble and curiosity has got the best of me since she said "let's leave it for the time being" I've noticed her location hasn't updated at all since, meaning she's not using the app. Seems she genuinely could be telling the truth and not ghosting me.

    My last message still.remains on unread, basically saying why don't we just meet up again and do something fun like crazy golf, no pressure, hell we might not even feel a connection 2nd date anyway.

    Not spoke since Sunday, tempted to send a funny Snapchat to her sometime about mouth wash (in joke) just to maybe break the ice?

  7. #26
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    I found my recent dating experience depressing for similar reasons. It could be a sign that you are too invested and need a break to work on yourself. Come back to dating when you are refreshed and in a better state of mind.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by shineyboot
    I found my recent dating experience depressing for similar reasons. It could be a sign that you are too invested and need a break to work on yourself. Come back to dating when you are refreshed and in a better state of mind.
    I had a couple of months break and felt good, I've had a couple of knock backs already which I was fine with and handled ok as they were honest.

    It's just the agreeing to a date 2 and saying they had a really amazing night which has made this one hard

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by RKO
    I had a couple of months break and felt good, I've had a couple of knock backs already which I was fine with and handled ok as they were honest.

    It's just the agreeing to a date 2 and saying they had a really amazing night which has made this one hard
    Why? Unless there's a time/place set up for a next date assume there is never going to be one -from a realistic standpoint - because in reality there is no other date without a plan and where do sweet words/tentative suggestions get you? Just move along and try not to get attached to people you don't know well. It's not a rejection or ghosting or anything dramatic like that -it's just dating and the thick skin you will grow will make it much easier for you to meet a good match IMO.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RKO
    Not spoke since Sunday, tempted to send a funny Snapchat to her sometime about mouth wash (in joke) just to maybe break the ice?
    Please resist this urge. And please stop looking at her Bumble profile as if was a tarot card revealing her true self.

    I know you're reeling a bit, and I'm sorry for that. Still, perspective is key. One date. With a near stranger. That is all you've encountered. That is nothing to hang a hat on, ever, no matter how good the date was.

    More to the point, she has clearly told you where she's at, opened up and explained that she, too, is reeling. From some very real life sh*t that just a few days ago you were minimizing as an "excuse" to not see you and want you the way you want her. That she needs some space to think and feel, that she's not sure she's ready for dating, that she needs more time.

    So listen to her. Let me just repeat that one more time: listen to her.

    Women, at least in my experience, really appreciate a man who listens to them. It is the ultimate display of respect, and the path to the best feeling in the world, which is being seen and being heard.

    Sending a "funny Snapchat" is the opposite of listening. It is talking, talking over someone else. It's listening to yourself and your ego, your hurt, your disappointment, your desire to see her again, your fantasies about where all that could go, and placing all that at a greater value than her needs. It's hiding that hurt and those desires inside a funny Snap, tossing it her way, and hoping she'll soften the hurt, make your fantasies real, massage your ego. It is a gesture fueled by insecurity and bitterness and lack of confidence, and that is exactly how it will land, no matter how light or funny. It won't break the ice, but will just put a crack in the foundation for anything down the line.

    Not cool, see?

    I know you say you're ready to date, that you're fine with rejection. But this thread is fast becoming a case study in what not being ready, and not having the right attitude, looks like. You do not know this woman, at all, and you seem less interested in getting to know her than in pushing her to conform to your idea of her. After just one date. You seem reluctant to accept what she is telling you, preferring your own fantasy of her, one you are now using Bumble and GPS to further color in at the expense of hearing her.

    Personal story, to maybe give you some perspective, maybe even hope: Back in June I went on two nice dates with someone. Cool connection, hot make-outs. Lots of flirty texting in between prepping for date three. Then she sent me a text: hey, sorry, bad timing, maybe I'll see you around.

    Was I a little disappointed? Sure. How did I respond? With silence. I listened, accepted, moved on. Went on other dates, made out with others, was not thinking about her much within 2 hours of that last text. Three weeks later she reached out, we met up, and ended up dating for the summer and fall. Had a lot of fun, connected, traveled, made all sorts of heat, felt some big feelings. Didn't quite work out, got a little hurt, but whatever. Life. I'm happy to have shared space with her. Tasted some of that magic we're all after when swiping.

    Had I not listened, had I continued to poke, had I spent those days anxiously Bumble sleuthing her—none of that would have happened. She saw that I was confident, secure—that I can take a lick of rejection, that I can listen—and that was part of what led her to circle back around.

    Because you know what? If she didn't, if she vanished forever—fine. Just as fine. And that is the attitude you need to start cultivating, as opposed to one where the tiniest of sparks has you doubling and tripling down to make them into a bonfire against all odds.

    Hope this doesn't sound harsh. But it is not the job of women on Bumble to like you, to want to see you again and again and again. Their only job is to be who they are, same as you, and who they are is bound to confuse here and there. That they are mysterious, complex, and so on is part of the fun. That it is so, so very rare that a pixilated "match" evolves into a sustainable match is also part of the fun.

    Remember that, lean into that, and you'll be able to have fun even in these moments of disappointment.
    Last edited by bluecastle; 02-06-2019 at 11:25 AM.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    RKO it always stings when the person we feel chemistry for doesn't feel the same way. Given this woman's situation, I completely get where she is coming from having been in a pretty toxic relationship/marriage... I would get super excited about chatting with someone online and meeting them in person, but when I thought it might go further I would get into a panic about it and pull away. That had nothing to do with the guys, I am certain many of them were great dating material but I didn't give them a chance. It was a process for me to be open to being in a relationship.

    Back off and let her come to you. If you give her space and she really did enjoy your time together, then she will eventually follow up with you.

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