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Thread: New date got me feeling down

  1. #11
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    That's cool!...so sit back and see if that happens, don't give it much more thought, she might be busy with work or family or she could be juggling a number of dating opportunities, so let the ball be in her court.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 1a1a
    If you were truly at the point of not minding being single I think you'd be less phased.
    Can't help but feel this is what's going on under the hood here.

    I get that you got a little thrown, which always sucks. Still, here's how I'd be looking at things: one month, three dates, no shared sparks, all good!

    If this one instance of almost-sparks is enough to have you considering "being by myself my whole life"—well, I'm sorry, but that's a wildly fatalistic attitude for someone not yet 40. It's also a lot to bring to the table on a date, you know? People can sometimes sense that energy. It can be a bit overwhelming. Just something to file away.

    I love dating. I hate dating. What I mean is: I date when I'm ready, and don't when I'm not.

    What's ready mean? It basically means barely giving a damn what someone thinks of me or what I think of them—for at least a few dates. For, like, a month. They can (these are all real examples) seem into me, then not. They can have sex with me for four passionate days, then let me know on the fifth that they're involved with too many other people to continue with me. They can "soft ghost" me—my expression for vanishing after a date or two. I can "soft ghost" them. They can be boring. They can think I'm boring. They can be a mediocre kisser, an awful kisser, the best kisser on the planet, and can deem me all of the above. They can really, really excite me—at least until I get home, match with someone else, hang with a friend, get busy with work, and suddenly I realize I don't want to go on another date and never talk to them again. They can circle back around in a week or two or three. I can circle around myself.

    And all of that is all good. Sometimes exciting, sometimes disappointing, but basically just dating. Seeing what sticks and what doesn't.

    When I'm not ready everything I just described is basically pure insanity. Nukes on the emotional equilibrium. And I go into dates, or even just the apps, like a madman, a Chernobyl surviver—and, well, it's not a cute look or a nice way to feel. And so I don't date for a bit, to let the smoke clear.

    Everyone's got a different threshold. It's all about building a thick skin so that you can be open to all the possibilities.

  3. #13
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    Thanks for the above, I was honest and told her I was getting the vibes she wasn't interested, she came clean...

    Said she's only been single 4 months and wasn't expecting to enjoy our date and like me as much as she did and that's scared her a bit and she's not sure if she's ready for dating.
    Told me to give her a little bit more time before date 2 just to get her head around things and then meet up, said that she wouldn't expect me to hang around and that she imagines I'd be dating other people.

    Ah man... Why can't I ever pick someone simple. What the hell am I to do with this?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RKO
    Ah man... Why can't I ever pick someone simple. What the hell am I to do with this?
    You know who is also not simple? YOU. And you know what's awesome? THAT.

    Again, shift in perspective. You're 37, you've seen some things, felt some things, taken some blows. This thread is evidence of all that, of your own complexity and fragility. Most people you date are going to be in the same camp. It's what makes them interesting, compelling—if also, yeah, a bit protective, a bit skittish. Be curious about all that, so someone can be curious about your own soft spots, jitters, and complexities.

    I'm 39, so basically your age. As far as I can tell, everyone I meet gets a little thrown from a good time, myself included. We all just got to a nice, stable place, and then...boom! Feelings, or the epilogue to feelings. Fun! Scary! Sigh. You just sort of ride it out, seeing if your complexities and another's can coexist and, over time, come to feel simple.

    So she's told you where she's at—cool. Let it simmer. No need to fret. No biggie. A maybe, a maybe not—life.

    My only advice is to dial back the "honesty" when it comes to telling someone that their vibes registered as "not interested." Just let these things play out. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone you barely know, who you just enjoyed one nice night with. Let them reveal themselves to you, or not. No need to go into excavation mode, because all you're really doing is asking them to give you information so you can be more calm.

    Know what's really sexy? People who can calm themselves down. Puts people at ease. Makes them excited for a second date, even if they're just getting back on their own feet.

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  6. #15
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    She opened up more, her last relationship was an abusive one, physically and mentally so she feels there's been no time by herself to get over that

  7. #16
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    Silence after an early date/first meet = clear cut lack of interest. IMO. I think what she wrote is because you prodded her. I think mostly if not all of it is that she is not that into seeing you again or she wouldn't have met you in the first place and she would choose you over fear. No one is rejecting you. These are near strangers choosing not to go on another date with you which is not a rejection of you in the least.

    And I would be very strict about taking responsibility for your communication choices. If you choose to text all day and choose to get attached -you chose that -it doesn't just "happen".

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Can't help but feel this is what's going on under the hood here.

    I get that you got a little thrown, which always sucks. Still, here's how I'd be looking at things: one month, three dates, no shared sparks, all good!

    If this one instance of almost-sparks is enough to have you considering "being by myself my whole life"—well, I'm sorry, but that's a wildly fatalistic attitude for someone not yet 40. It's also a lot to bring to the table on a date, you know? People can sometimes sense that energy. It can be a bit overwhelming. Just something to file away.

    I love dating. I hate dating. What I mean is: I date when I'm ready, and don't when I'm not.

    What's ready mean? It basically means barely giving a damn what someone thinks of me or what I think of them—for at least a few dates. For, like, a month. They can (these are all real examples) seem into me, then not. They can have sex with me for four passionate days, then let me know on the fifth that they're involved with too many other people to continue with me. They can "soft ghost" me—my expression for vanishing after a date or two. I can "soft ghost" them. They can be boring. They can think I'm boring. They can be a mediocre kisser, an awful kisser, the best kisser on the planet, and can deem me all of the above. They can really, really excite me—at least until I get home, match with someone else, hang with a friend, get busy with work, and suddenly I realize I don't want to go on another date and never talk to them again. They can circle back around in a week or two or three. I can circle around myself.

    And all of that is all good. Sometimes exciting, sometimes disappointing, but basically just dating. Seeing what sticks and what doesn't.

    When I'm not ready everything I just described is basically pure insanity. Nukes on the emotional equilibrium. And I go into dates, or even just the apps, like a madman, a Chernobyl surviver—and, well, it's not a cute look or a nice way to feel. And so I don't date for a bit, to let the smoke clear.

    Everyone's got a different threshold. It's all about building a thick skin so that you can be open to all the possibilities.
    What a great attitude!!! I'm pretty much same, more or less.

    Or try to be.

    It's called being flexible and resilient both of which are absolutely crucial if you want to be a successful "dater" and enjoy the process, which is supposed to be fun!

    Try to not take things too seriously RKO, it's a journey and a great learning opportunity.

    It took me over two years of dating various guys, after my last long term relationship ended, before I found my current bf, be patient with yourself!

  9. #18
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    Yea I feel like she's using it as an excuse too tbh, she's said she would like to leave it just for a bit until she's got her head right.

    I ain't got time for that

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by RKO
    Yea I feel like she's using it as an excuse too tbh, she's said she would like to leave it just for a bit until she's got her head right.

    I ain't got time for that
    No disrespect, but that's a pretty harsh attitude about a woman who (a) barely knows you and (b) just opened up about a past relationship that was emotionally and physically abusive.

    I get that you're disappointed that she wasn't as keen as you thought she was. We all want to be wanted, especially by people who intrigue us. And you did some detective work to understand her shifting vibe, and she complied, providing what sounds not like an "excuse" but like a very sincere explanation of who she is and where she is.

    If you can learn to be gracious, even in disappointing moments like this, I promise you it will make you more appealing as you're out and about looking to connect.

  11. #20
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    RKO please listen to bluecastle, he is so spot on about your attitude.

    I was going to post myself, not quite as graciously as he, but decided against it as you would have only taken offense.

    But he is right, there is no reason to be angry or bitter toward this woman, and your response "I ain't got time for that" reflects you are.

    This was mentioned earlier but your energy/vibe is everything -- it trumps looks, job, money, social status, everything!

    I get dating is hard, for all of us! But as I said, being flexible and resilient is so important, it allows you to let things roll off, keeps your energy positive, especially after only a few dates, heavens.

    Which, as bc said makes you much more attractive.

    Try to put it in its proper perspective, otherwise you will continue to feel bitter and jaded, your negative energy will increase, ultimately turning dates off, thus increasing your bitterness etc, it tends to have a snowball effect.

    Take a break if you need to, I did, during which I calmed down, and learned to take things less seriously.

    Soon thereafter I met my current boyfriend!

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