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Thread: New date got me feeling down

  1. #1
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    New date got me feeling down

    I've been pretty happy being single and dating this winter, I'd like to find someone but I've been happy by myself really.

    This year I've had 3 dates, 1st lady I didn't feel it and she didn't either and told me after the date which was fine.

    2nd lady she was nice and I'd like to have seen her again but after the date she said she didn't see me in a romantic way.

    I was a little disheartened and a bruise to my ego as I usually get a 2nd date at least.

    3rd lady was Friday just gone, I felt a connection instantly and honestly had such a good time and laugh with her, she seemed to enjoy herself too. Afterwards I asked if she would like to do it again and she said yes has she had such a great time.

    All good but since then her replies have to messages have been few and far between and not really leaving a chance to strike up a conversation.

    We had been messaging for a couple of weeks before meeting and looking back we have been texting pretty much constant all day every day, I was surprised how much we talked looking at it now. Basically her texting pattern has changed a whole bunch since we met. I've fallen into an old bad habit which I hate myself for and checking when online last/message read, basically leaving me on unread for a long time despite being online. I'm not sure if she was like this before as never checked.

    My gut feeling and past experiences tell me exactly what's happening here and that I'm about to be ghosted and shes not that interested, my last message was telling her my availability for this coming week and asking which day would suit her to meet up again.

    I met this girl on bumble (she had to message 1st) she got her phone out Friday to show me a funny video on YouTube and there were notifications on her phone from other guys she was speaking to

    The previous 2 dates I really appreciated the honesty of the 2 girls in saying straight away.

    Im really getting so jaded with dating now, it seems who ever I get to like just doesn't like me back, it's making me feel ugly, worthless, questioning if I'm even a nice person and what's so wrong with me. I'm 37, all my friends are with partners, or married and family, and here's me a million miles away from that.

    I'm feeling so down with it all I'm considering just being by myself my whole life and just concentrating on things in my life that make me happy.

    I've never felt like this before I really need some guidance.

  2. #2
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    Sorry you feel so down! I think you have to adjust your expectations a lot. Many people change their minds after meeting someone a few times and it's not "ghosting" -there's no relationship, it's just silence instead of the "sorry I'm not clicking with you that way" or "you're sooooo amazing but between doing laundry once a week and pairing my socks and putting a meal in a crockpot I simply don't have time to devote time to you and you deserve the best!!!!". Please -is that what you want for your "ego"? I personally always preferred silence early on. Yes if someone agrees to a time/place date and changes her mind of course she should let you know -I'm talking about your situations.

    Take a break for about a week and enjoy all the other stuff you have going on and then get back in the saddle. And work on that thick skin. I'd also stop texting all day with near strangers- get to know people in person.

  3. #3
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    I see what you are saying.
    The messaging so often I didn't realise was happening, it was just rolling naturally, quite a strange one.

    I had been on a dating break since about November as I had a lot on over christmas.

    I think it's just dissapointment, I didn't meet someone that I have that good of a time with often and feel like they are into you just as much too. I just like knowing where I stand

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep the momentum up by texting about the next date. For example "what kind of food do you like, is there a place you could recommend for this Friday?, "wanna try xyz next Sat?" Keep texting to a minimum and brief with simple, "how was your day" or "work was great today, what about you"? But avoid long and frequent text convos. Save the convos for in person dates.

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  6. #5
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    We'll need for her to reply 1st. I'm sure I'll get my answers from that.
    1: too nice to say no and will just be "busy" for a while
    2: might say not feeling it
    Or
    3: sure I'm free xxx day

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you put it in perspective, what a miracle it would be if the first person you went on a date with would match you in every way, including feeling chemistry with each other, share the same dating style, have the same life goals, sexual compatibility, same ethics, etc. One usually has to date a boatload of people before this miracle happens.

    After my first marriage ended, it was my goal to find a lifetime partner. I had to resort to OLD, as my other options were limited. I had to go on dates with 30 men, most ending on the 1st date, a few lasting slightly longer, before finding the man who would become my husband. The experience was frustrating and upsetting, but ultimately worth all the aggravation.

    Yes, it would be nice if a person was clearcut on their interest or disinterest, but you can't control how other people will behave. I had only found out about, and attended, a few meet up group activities before I met my husband, but enjoyed them as a less stressful way to meet singles in my age group. I recommend you go to Meetup.com to see what groups are available in your area. Good luck.

  8. #7
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    If you were truly at the point of not minding being single I think you'd be less phased. Don't lose heart, keep doing you, you will reach a point where you are comfortable both rejecting and being rejected and at that point, you are truly in a good place to date. (Also, the lesson from this is meet them in person ASAP)

  9. #8
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    Usually I would have met them before now, it's just we've had horrific snow and I've not been able to leave the house for a week.

    Im fine with rejection, see 2nd date, I liked her but was cool about it, it's just when I REALLY like someone I get this feeling. It's literally every time

  10. #9
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    The best way to feel really crummy about yourself and your lot in life is to compare yourself to others. It is not that OLD is such a bad rap for you, it is that you have set yourself up for your own disapproval by saying to yourself that you are less than your friends because they are paired up and you are not. Keep in mind that as life marches along from 37 yrs old, those friends may also become unpaired and facing the very same dating frustrations that you are going through today.

    The most attractive guys are those that are happy and content with their lives, have lots of extra curricular activities via sports, hobbies, recreation and volunteering. The biggest irony of all, is that if you have a full life where you engage in all of these things, you tend to find many more dating opportunities IRL and so become less reliant on OLD, when less reliant on it, you will be able to deal with the ups and downs of it much easier.

    Lastly, keep texting to a minimum, there is risk in building a virtual rapport with a stranger because there is no guarantee it is genuine, a person can say or be anything via text and it is easy to get lulled into a lengthy text exchange with a stranger. Take control of that by using text only for info exchanges, time date place etc., and focus on getting to the meet. You might be able to manage the 2nd date issue best by texting a day after a good first date with a very direct question about having a 2nd date, if its a yes, get the time date place thing nailed asap, if they don't answer within 24 hrs of you asking if they'd still like to have a 2nd date, assume its a no, forget about them and move on.

  11. #10
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    Got a reply and it's number 1: let me get back to you on that, I know I'm busy this week.

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