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Thread: Why can't she just tell me?

  1. #11
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    I don't think it's too complicated -- she has an evasive, elusive nature.

    Who knows why, it's not for you to figure out. Many people are this way for various reasons.

    Your job is to figure out if her elusiveness and evasiveness works for you.

    I get your confusion, it's intiguiing and frustrating at the same time.

    Makes her "mysterious" but also makes you want to bang her over the head, arghh! (Not literally)

    It may be it takes her a while to open up even about small things, makes her feel too vulnerable and exposed but who the heck knows.

    You need to understand and accept this is her nature, or if you can't, wish her well and walk.

  2. #12
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    It would be helpful to know how long you have been dating, if it is only a couple of months then I agree with the being polite point above. However, if it goes on or if you have been dating many months, then this sounds like a communication gap, your styles of sharing and gathering information are very different and you either need to recognize and discuss that and work hard at meeting each other's needs or recognize that there is a communication style mismatch that is bound to create big troubles down the road.

    It sounds to me like you are a very open communicator and she is not. When a person does not want to share trivial information they are putting up a wall, this prevents intimacy from developing.

  3. #13
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    Yeah, I think it is just the way she is and maybe also because of me too, I could get a little overprotective, over-worried, over-everything sometimes, y'know. Im just tryin to be the best for her.

    Originally Posted by RedDress
    I think I understand what you are saying...

    To me, itís one of two things

    1) Sheís just that way. Itís just who she is. This is where it helps to know her family or friends. Observe. Does she do this to other people? If so, she may be a people pleaser or a poor communicator. Maybe she doesnít want to tell you she is tired because she doesnít want to disappoint you - so she makes it about the place instead of about her. Does she often tell people what they want to hear? Does she often try not to take responsibility for stuff or make things not her fault?

    2) Itís you. Try to be reflective and be really, REALLY honest with yourself. If she had said she was tired, would you have tried to push her to go anyways? Or take a nap later? If you are pushy, other people likely would have said this to you in life. Do people tell you that you are pushy? Or argumentative? Or try to avoid debating with you sometimes? Only you know if this rings true (in your quiet, vulnerable moments). If so, she could just be trying to avoid an argument.

    Either way, the purpose of dating is to see how compatible you are. If sheís closed up and it drives you crazy - it will make you insane 20, 40, 60 years from now. Maybe you just arenít compatible.

  4. #14
    raditya222's Avatar
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    you are right, and I will gladly accept everything about her, maybe I just neeed time to get used to it.

    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I don't think it's too complicated -- she has an evasive, elusive nature.

    Who knows why, it's not for you to figure out. Many people are this way for various reasons.

    Your job is to figure out if her elusiveness and evasiveness works for you.

    I get your confusion, it's intiguiing and frustrating at the same time.

    Makes her "mysterious" but also makes you want to bang her over the head, arghh! (Not literally)

    It may be it takes her a while to open up even about small things, makes her feel too vulnerable and exposed but who the heck knows.

    You need to understand and accept this is her nature, or if you can't, wish her well and walk.

  5.  

  6. #15
    raditya222's Avatar
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    Haha right, we just been a couple for like 4 months, so yeah i think we're still figuring out how to communicate with each other.

    Originally Posted by LDJ
    It would be helpful to know how long you have been dating, if it is only a couple of months then I agree with the being polite point above. However, if it goes on or if you have been dating many months, then this sounds like a communication gap, your styles of sharing and gathering information are very different and you either need to recognize and discuss that and work hard at meeting each other's needs or recognize that there is a communication style mismatch that is bound to create big troubles down the road.

    It sounds to me like you are a very open communicator and she is not. When a person does not want to share trivial information they are putting up a wall, this prevents intimacy from developing.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Digging in her head and invading her is not being a better bf it's being nosy and probing. If there is something she wants to share with you, she will.
    Originally Posted by raditya222
    l I want is to understand her, to know what is going on inside her head so that I could be a better boyfriend. That's all.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by raditya222
    It is just like one those question when you just offer your gf somethin and then she refuses. But the problem is, she never actually telling me the real reason. ...

    What should I do?
    Consider growing into the mature practice of respecting GF's privacy.

    As kids, we learn how to bully and manipulate and keep asking until we either get what we want from our friends or otherwise hear a 'right' enough answer, such as parental restraints.

    The more this 'works' on passive people, the more we're encouraged to believe that we are 'entitled' to ask these kinds of questions until we're satisfied with the outcomes.

    But we are NOT. Some remarkable kids are raised to be less rude and more respectful of others' 'No means no...' positions, but most of us need to learn this degree of social respect on our own through blunders and consequences.

    So I'd quit the badgering and learn that a 'no' answer to an offer does NOT invite you to overcome objections, and it does not entitle you to know anything about anyone that they don't wish to share.

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