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Thread: Depressed/anxious other half/partner/ex

  1. #1

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    Depressed/anxious other half/partner/ex

    My partner broke up with me Monday 3 weeks gone. She does suffer with depression and anxiety. Shes 36 and suffered since a teenager. Cause from a abusive ex of 19 years. I came along and got her away from all that. Wont go in all details cause this is going to be long enough. He had full control. Proper messed with her mind body and soul. Had now space freedom. I give her that. And showed her what love is. Not abusive and controlling like her last. She has many up and downs. Most the time shes on her tablets. I always know when she is not on them. Her moods and behaviour are always different when off tablets. we've been together almost 4 years. She has 4 kids from abusive ex. And a 2year old from me. She started working again. She wanted a career. Now she's a care worker. I gave her a nudge too. For support. Shes 0 hours contract well suppose to be. I do 9 till 5. Soon has i get back from work she goes to work. And gets back 9.30 to 10pm. Pretty much she will go to sleep. If been to work then im dealing with kids. Which is fine. My child and step kids. Weekends she will be up at 6.30 for work and back at 9.30 or 10pm. That's saturday and Sunday. Get back. Sleep or have a 2hr bath and sleep. So we're not having no time together now. She said after Christmas she will have a weekend of once a month. But she's not doing that. It's a great job and helping people and money is darn good. Her firm praises her all the time. So it makes her feel good. Think that's why shes come off her tablets. Last week we was absolutely fine. Even bed time she dressed up for me. Was nice for her to do that. It's rare that happens. So things were fine. Came to Monday she was being distant and off. Lile other times I always know something is wrong. Just most the time I never know what's wrong or it will take 2 or 3 days to find out. But most the time I never know. Even till this day i still don't know. Shes not one for being open. Talking etc where I am open. Through out the day Monday gone i said love you. Didnt get a replie. Said it again. No replie. Waited till the afternoon I Did a message with just a heart. No replie. Hour or so later while on break at work. I said in a voice clip message. Are you ok and are you not loving me today. Jokingly. That's when she dropped a bombshell saying she dont feel the same. And wants space with kids and her career. I felt like she chose her job over me. But I'm not sure. With live under the same roof. Been on sofa over 3 weeks now. In person she is fine. Still calls be babe etc . Maybe it's a habit i don't know. Monday and Tuesday talking she is still adamant its what she wants. But it came out the blue. I don't understand and I don't believe that her reason what she gave me. Was only couple weeks ago we was talking about buying a new house. We was engaged for a year and a half. I know she hasn't had much time with her kids. I have them mostly. Seems like she's got guilt. But didn't need to push me away. She been like this many times but not gone this far. Never slept separately before either while under same roof. Thoughts in mind like is she seeing someone else or someone in line. She has done it before. But I forgave at the time because it was same time she lost her father. Cause of grief i forgave. Even though she was pregnant with my daughter. It did kill me inside but I got over it 80%. But we have been ok since. And since then arranged to get married. Just wish I knew where her head was at. I have done alot for her. Changed her life for the good. Been spoilt over the years. Was even planning on taking her to the blue lagoon for a relaxing weekend. Plus shes never been abroad. To me she needs it. Her depression comes and goes all the time. I never know what mood swings or no moods swings when I come back from work. Always try to be there for her. The whole time weve been together. Last few months shes been off her tablets her personality has changed. She dont see it but I do. I know weaning off can do that. Feeling good at her job I think she thinks she's in good mind and spirit that she doesn't need to take them. Just didn't see her ending our relationship coming one bit. Has we were fine. Well has far has i know we were or she was just faking or pretending. Any other times when I don't know what's wrong. She will say at some point you can do better then me. I resure her and say no I can't. I'm with you for who you are. That's when her walls are down. I'm hoping anytime now she will say the same thing. We still live in the same house. I moved 70 mile away to be with her. Been nearly 4 years. And it's just baffled me. Few days ago she said she's a and il get over her quicker. It doesn't work like that. Attitude isn't her. I dont know where it came from and it just happenend over night.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You did not break up if you are still living together as a blended family. You are having an impasse and sleeping on the couch.

    It sounds like her mood disorder is poorly managed and you play doctor/therapist and micro manage way too much. That is a romance and relationship killer. That may be why she is losing feelings and respect for you and pushing back. Perhaps she feels suffocated.

    She also is having some success with her job and doesn't want to be controlled micromanaged or smothered. She wants to start doing what she wants. Spending more time with her kids, working, earning money and being more independent. In other words, your relationship only worked when she was sick and you made yourself feel like a hero and martyr. In control.

    Is it possible now that she's working and feeling better and "wants space" that she met someone at work? You two have a lot to figure out. Mostly if you want to live as roommates or if you want to go to therapy and try to improve things. That means therapy for you as well. Stop pointing fingers that she is "the sick one" and doesn't know what she wants or what she's doing.

    In the meantime, back off and stop infantilizing her. Treat her as a peer, not a project or a patient. Your need to do this is killing things more than whatever mood/medical issues she may have.
    Originally Posted by Ste80
    My partner broke up with me Monday 3 weeks gone. Been nearly 4 years.
    My child and step kids.
    she dropped a bombshell saying she dont feel the same. And wants space with kids and her career.
    With live under the same roof. Been on sofa over 3 weeks now.

  3. #3

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    Far from It she is being controlled. Her ex did that to her. I nudged her for the job and to do something for her self. I do what ever i can to make things easier. I give her plenty of freedom. And to enjoy what she couldn't because of her previous. Shes told me few times I haven't done anything. It's not just me she falling out of etc. Family members too. She has changed lately. And she's admitted that. Plus feels good about it. Not saying she is the sick one. But I do know what anxiety and depression does to people and its not there fault either. I give her no contact while either of us are at work. Unless she messages first then yes. But not all the time. I'm not telling her i miss and love her etc or doing any begging. The nearly 4 years together and living together we have never had a big arguement. Maybe that's whats needed. But she is not a open person. And talks. Never has been.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Perhaps she found someone new now that she is feeling better. A 'big argument' is not what she needs. You seem to hardly know each other. Playing "get your ex back" games such as "I give her no contact" is silly since you still live as a couple, just you're on the couch because she "fell out of love" with you. Try to use effective techniques such as therapy, not camping out in the same house and using "no contact" rules you read off a 'get your ex back' site.
    Originally Posted by Ste80
    The nearly 4 years together and living together we have never had a big arguement. Maybe that's whats needed.

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  6. #5

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    I'd go to therapy if she would. But don't think she would. She is fiery person. Everything shes wanted i have done or got. Everything shes hinted i have got or done. Shes never been in a relationship where it was love. Last one was for 19 years full of abuse and other serious stuff. She did counciling after that.. I got her away from that life. And treated her how She should of been. We was making plans on the way. Have a child. Which we did. She went on and on for a year to get engaged for marriage for a year. I waited for the right time hence being a year. Plus others pushing me. But I waited for my right time. She wanted us to buy our own house which was only weeks ago. Telling my family etc. Blink of a eye everything changed. Literally over night. Unless her feelings and what she wanted was fake for a while?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you have kids together or both from prior relationships? Is it your house or hers? You can go to therapy on your own.

    No she got herself out:
    Originally Posted by Ste80
    I got her away from that life.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    The fact that you only give yourself credit for taking her away from "that life" says a lot about how you see her and infantilise her as Wiseman says. Don't you respect her as a person with agency?


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