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So those of you who know my history know the drama I had with my ex FWB now friend.

 

In a nutshell he got angry at me for the most obscure reason and ‘ghosted’ me for a week ,it hurt me, a lot, and triggered abandonment issues etc. He tried to come back but knowing how much I was hurt by his actions, I knew I was way more invested than I should have been, we had been sleeping together for close to a year at that point. I told him I wasnt interested in anything less than dating and no hard feelings if he wasn’t on the same page, he said he understood and that was that, I healed and moved on.

 

Since we had mutual friends we still ran into each other roughly every month or so, so out of necessity ( it’s not our friends fault we crossed that line) we kinda let bygones be bygones, after a while as hurt egos faded we became close again. Before we were close but there was also sex involved which super confusing for me. So it’s been nice to have him around platonically without the emotional...confusion... we text multiple times a week, chat on the phone every now and then, I get advice from him, he gives me pep talks, I do the same.

 

Since I give advice here enough I kinda recognize the need to add that I recognize he’s kinda been an emotional crutch for me on multiple levels. One of our other friends asked what I was going to do once he finally started dating someone and I couldn’t really answer. No I’m not in love with him and he’s not in love with me, but I like having him there as an ear. Something about previously sleeping with someone you’re now friends with, it makes it a whole lot easier to be vulnerable about things. also won’t lie, the fact that he hasn’t gotten into a relationship or even dated anyone else, at least as far as I know, kinda keeps my ego fed. But on the flip side ignoring my own advice about finding joy in failures, I know that once he does get into a relationship, my ego is going to take a hit.

 

On to the event that’s led me to post:

 

So I’m up late and I get a text from him, not completely out of the ordinary so didn’t surprise me, it says ‘wake up’ I text back ‘ I am up’ he texts back ‘ I’m on my way over’ I text back ‘ for what?!?!’ Im under the impression he’s joking, again we haven’t slept with each other since things ended, so I end up dozing off, next thing I know I’m being woken up by the sound of my door knob jiggling, I jump up thinking someone’s either drunk and at the wrong door or is trying to break in, I yell out hello? The jiggling stops then it starts again, at the point I’m more awake and kinda put two and two together. I call him and say ‘that better not be you at my door dude’, he responds ‘it is let me in.’ I yell ‘ are you kidding me? Leave now!’ I hang up my phone and go lay back down, pretty shaken up to be honest, I’m assuming he must have been at one of our friends house drinking, my house is between our friends and his.

 

A few minutes after I lay down I get a barrage of texts:

 

BYE.

We can’t be friends anymore after this.

Don’t contact me ever again.

 

Obviously I didn’t respond, the whole thing really bothered me though.

 

So today I’m fully expecting him to text/call me to apologize because I’m assuming he was drunk.

 

No text, no call.

 

I’m pissed.

 

 

I’m not writing to ask ‘why did he do that?’ or ‘why isn’t he calling’ I already know drunk and embarrassed and/or prideful, and that’s not ok with me.

 

I’m writing because I’m angry and A.) I need to be walked off the ledge and B.) I think I need to cut ties from him and I need help finding the strength to do it. Also, my insecurity is rearing it’s ugly head. Due to our history again he is triggering me big time. I’m thinking I did something wrong, maybe he wasn’t drunk, logically I know I didn’t but the urge to call and yell or contact him to force an apology is strong even though I know that would be idiotic.

 

So come on guys knock some sense into me, this is just messy and I hate messy. I was having a perfectly uneventful and mellow weekend, I didn’t ask for tickets to the crazy train, at least I don’t think I did, I guess allowing myself to get close again would be my first class ticket huh?

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On some level you don't trust his intentions, which is why I think you turned him away. Fair. You're relationship is confusing and he overstepped a boundary. I think you asserted yourself appropriately (and wonderfully, I might add). He was the drunk one who decided to just show up at your house without an invite, so it is 100% on him to explain and/or apologize. My first guess would be that he wanted a booty call and figured you'd be game, and his ego is bruised.

 

In my opinion, he can just deal with that. You offered a relationship, he declined, and you had the decency to stay friends with the man. If he's not going to respect you or care about your feelings, it might be time to retract that friendship.

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Mustlovedogs that’s where my second guessing myself is coming in. What if he wasn’t drunk and actually needed to talk, but then why not just say that?

 

Like Sera said, kinda obvious what he was after, which he wouldn’t attempt sober, which is why I’m assuming he was drunk.

 

I’m like 80% sure he was trying to get laid. But that other 20 is causing me to overthink which I HATE! ugh.

 

Yep think it’s time to end the friendship.

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A few minutes after I lay down I get a barrage of texts:

 

BYE.

We can’t be friends anymore after this.

Don’t contact me ever again.

As someone who truly appreciates you and your insight around here, I'd like to thank him for sparing you the trouble (well... at least as much as he could after the initial event).

 

I've acted plenty a mess while drunk before, but that is absolutely nuts to show up at a woman's place uninvited, regardless of whether he'd announced. And rattling your door knob trying to get in? That's some horror movie **** right there-- and if not that, at the very least stalker-ex Lifetime movie material. That would trigger anyone.

 

In short, f*ck that guy.

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Different spin, but the fact he allowed himself to become so emotional -- this can't work, don't ever contact me again -- suggests his feelings run deeper than just friends.

 

Way deeper, beyond friendship and/or sexual attraction.

 

Same as yours which is quite obvious too imo.

 

Yes the drunk dialing and showing up at your door was super dumb, but who thinks clearly when we're in love (yes love) and drunk?

 

I thought this right off the bat when reading your original post. He's in love with you!

 

What do you actually want with this guy fio?

 

I bet he would say your actions/words have been confusing too!

 

I think in his mind, he felt rejected by you, you hurt him too.

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I agree with the others that it was not ok at all to show up at your place like that at that time no matter what - certainly if he'd texted that he was in some sort of trouble or distress and asked to see you something could have been worked out perhaps but -and I am a bit biased on this - it's never appropriate to just show up - I don't care if it's a woman or man - in that way and at that time and by jiggling your door, etc. He also needs to be mature enough to communicate with you about it IMO.

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@jman - right?!?! Completely creepy and something he’s never done in the almost 3 years I’ve known him. The only thing I can think is he was indeed drunk and I leave my door unlocked if I know I’m having company so maybe he expected it to be unlocked.

 

@kat I do love him. He’s been a friend to me for years now and I value his presence in my life, but I’m not in love with him. Our friendship is weird, I admit, but maybe it’s because you can’t put the genie back in the bottle once clothes come off. So now I am going to have to make a decision about his place in my life.

 

@mustlovedogs I was deffinetely asserting my power, but no part of me wanted to let him in. I wouldn’t have crossed that line with him and I feel like if he were seriously in trouble he would have expressed that. Like a said a small part of me does wonder if he needed to talk but truthfully I think he would have just said it.

 

@bat yeah no bueno. I’m there for my friends day or night rain or shine but give me a heads up.

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On some level you don't trust his intentions, which is why I think you turned him away. Fair. You're relationship is confusing and he overstepped a boundary. I think you asserted yourself appropriately (and wonderfully, I might add). He was the drunk one who decided to just show up at your house without an invite, so it is 100% on him to explain and/or apologize. My first guess would be that he wanted a booty call and figured you'd be game, and his ego is bruised.

 

In my opinion, he can just deal with that. You offered a relationship, he declined, and you had the decency to stay friends with the man. If he's not going to respect you or care about your feelings, it might be time to retract that friendship.

 

Agree...

 

I think that this is what you needed to make the step.

 

"B.) I think I need to cut ties from him and I need help finding the strength to do it. Also, my insecurity is rearing it’s ugly head. Due to our history again he is triggering me big time." This is not good!

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I think I need to cut ties from him and I need help finding the strength to do it.

 

Wul, how about someone saying, 'We can't be friends anymore, don't ever contact me again"?

 

That's pretty much all I'd need for the perfect flight off of the guy's radar--for good and without a word.

 

If you think he doesn't mean it, then why not disabuse yourself of people who don't mean what they say?

 

You already want to break ties with this guy, anyway, so why not let these chips fall in perfect order where HE gets to be the raving idiot, and you get to keep your dignity by staying silent and planning your next steps toward finding new friends who aren't drunk and stupid?

 

You get to decide when to outgrow forgiveness for lame frat boy stuff. There's no time like the present!

 

Head high, you can do this. You'll thank yourself later.

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Excellent. He solved the problem for you. You don't need "friends" like this with zero boundaries, zero respect and apparently zero to offer. This is sheer nonsense, chaos and drama. Who needs this crap? Now you can block and delete him from all your social media, messaging apps and life.. Never let an intoxicated angry person into your home anyway. Total craziness. Don't be manipulated by that infantile text/guilt trip.

A few minutes after I lay down I get a barrage of texts:

BYE.

We can’t be friends anymore after this.

Don’t contact me ever again.

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Mustlovedogs that’s where my second guessing myself is coming in. What if he wasn’t drunk and actually needed to talk, but then why not just say that?

 

Like Sera said, kinda obvious what he was after, which he wouldn’t attempt sober, which is why I’m assuming he was drunk.

 

I’m like 80% sure he was trying to get laid. But that other 20 is causing me to overthink which I HATE! ugh.

 

Yep think it’s time to end the friendship.

 

Another spin, but perhaps he was really drunk (could not drive) or sick, or in some sort of trouble, and needed a place to crash?

 

If he were a she (a female friend), would you refuse to let her in, in the way that you had? Screaming "go away"!

 

You said you're friends at the very least, or had been friends, is this not what friends are for?

 

I'd be very hurt and upset if a friend had done that to me.

 

But I get it and this is where the lines between male/female "friendships" get blurred imo and why I don't have many male friends, especially if/when we had a prior sexual relationship.

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As someone who truly appreciates you and your insight around here, I'd like to thank him for sparing you the trouble (well... at least as much as he could after the initial event).

 

I've acted plenty a mess while drunk before, but that is absolutely nuts to show up at a woman's place uninvited, regardless of whether he'd announced. And rattling your door knob trying to get in? That's some horror movie **** right there-- and if not that, at the very least stalker-ex Lifetime movie material. That would trigger anyone.

 

In short, f*ck that guy.

 

I agree, what the hell, I'd be terrified. It's good he has the self awareness now to realise you can't be friends after this mess.

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Another spin, but perhaps he was really drunk (could not drive) or sick, or in some sort of trouble, and needed a place to crash?

 

If he were a she (a female friend), would you refuse to let her in, in the way that you had? Screaming "go away"!

 

You said you're friends at the very least, or had been friends, is this not what friends are for?

 

I'd be very hurt and upset if a friend had done that to me.

 

But I get it and this is where the lines between male/female "friendships" get blurred imo and why I don't have many male friends, especially if/when we had a prior sexual relationship.

 

I don't agree- he could have texted what the emergency was for sure. And no I would never let a friend in whatever gender -a female is more vulnerable of course and I would let her in if I heard something like her trying to get away from someone etc but anyone can text if they can bang on your door or call out one word like "help" -I am like figureitout as long as I have the information that it's an emergency.

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Excellent. He solved the problem for you. You don't need "friends" like this with zero boundaries, zero respect and apparently zero to offer. This is sheer nonsense, chaos and drama. Who needs this crap? Now you can block and delete him from all your social media, messaging apps and life.. Never let an intoxicated angry person into your home anyway. Total craziness. Don't be manipulated by that infantile text/guilt trip.

 

Seriously.

 

I think you did the right thing.

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Another spin, but perhaps he was really drunk (could not drive) or sick, or in some sort of trouble, and needed a place to crash?

 

If he were a she (a female friend), would you refuse to let her in, in the way that you had? Screaming "go away"!

 

You said you're friends at the very least, or had been friends, is this not what friends are for?

 

I'd be very hurt and upset if a friend had done that to me.

 

I disagree. In an emergency, the first thing you tell someone when waking them up is that it's an emergency.

 

He was capable of texting, so he was capable of asking permission to come over.

 

If you want to hang onto this guy for the sake of creating more useless drama, you can do that--it's not against the law. You're just missing the opportunity to walk away gracefully with your focus FORward instead of playing out a mess of your own making.

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You did the right thing. He was behaving like someone deranged. It would be foolish to let someone in that mindset into the house!

Right from the get go, it was so rude. "Wake up". How about F off?! 😧

 

Does he have a history of drug and/or alcohol problems? That's what I was thinking reading this.... he acted like hard core substance abuse users and alcoholics do.

 

Sorry it happened and I hope you feel better today. That would rattle anybody, it's just not normal behaviour.

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I don't agree- he could have texted what the emergency was for sure. And no I would never let a friend in whatever gender -a female is more vulnerable of course and I would let her in if I heard something like her trying to get away from someone etc but anyone can text if they can bang on your door or call out one word like "help" -I am like figureitout as long as I have the information that it's an emergency.

 

I only said it was a possibility -- we all don't act/react the same when drinking, drunk, in trouble, scared, etc.

 

My confusuion is they have been "friends" for a long time after FWB relationship ended, so I would imagine there was some level of trust and if not why continue the friendship until something like this happens?

 

Where he is banging on her door in the middle of the night and she fears for her safety?

 

His reaction seems over the top too.

 

I dunno I guess this is why FIO entitled the thread "tickets to the crazy train"!

 

It sure sounds crazy!

 

But to FiO, I support your decision, you've got a good head on your shoulders, I wasn't there so you know best.

 

I hope you're okay. ;)

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I hear you MLD and Kat, the reason I reacted he way I did is because it was that off the wall crazy. He has never done anything even close to this before. Had he texted me, “ hey I can’t make it all the way home can I crash?” I’d respond ‘sure I’ll unlook the door and grab some blankets for you to sleep on the couch.’ And I wouldn’t expect any ulterior motives, Male or female. Had he said, ‘hey I need to talk ’ I’d be super irritated but I’d let him in again not expecting any ulterior motives. The dude is verbal! Lmao, if he can text that he’s on his way he can text the reason. mind you I responded ‘what for?!?’ I never got an answer.

 

Also and this is the biggest crux of all this because we have history,I feel, and I could be completely wrong, I feel my boundaries need to be stronger as to not confuse anything.Im far from an expert on navigating life, writing it out it seems kinda like an exersize in futility and it’s just too much to salvage.

 

To those saying well he ended the friendship first, I agree that it gives me a drama free out, but we have mutual friends so unless there’s more drama in the form of creating a friendship custody list completely taking me out of his life via text is a non starter.

 

And that does hurt. He’s a part of my life for a while now so to text something so mean, it’s out of the ordinary and extreme so it’s kinda the boy who cried wolf ya know? I’m finding it hard to see him ending our friendship over showing up at my door...

 

For the person who said he has a drug use or alcohol problem, he doesn’t, that would be an easy explanation but nope, you guys know how I say we all have baggage it’s all about how we manage it, for the most part he manages it but, I guess this would be the third time in three years he’s had an extreme reaction towards me. The first was when he ghosted me for a week, no wait that was second the first would be when I didn’t answer the door before, when we still slept together, I knew he was stopping by but I fell asleep, which is why I always unlock the door if I know I have company. He ignored me for a day, then called the next day and apologized and said he was in his feelings, so who knows maybe that’s a trigger for him, he had been through a lot, as have I, thats a big reason why I appreciate having him as a friend sometimes you don’t want to burden your ‘normal friends’ when the dark and twisty sh*t you’ve been through comes up and you need to get it out, not kidding besides this board and him no one else currently in my life knows about any of the abuse I went through and it’s not like I talk about it all the time, but he understands some of my reactions to things of that makes any sense, if I flinch or have a short temper about a certain subject, he gets it, he’s been there as a sounding board and I’ve been the same for him, So when I say my connection to him is no longer romantic I mean it, but the connection is still incredibly strong so it’s going to be hard, but I think y’all are right and for my own sanity, I have to choose me.

 

Thanks guys.

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His actions don't make sense to me. Banging on your door late at night, and then texting to tell you your friendship is over. Both of these actions scream "over the top", massive attention-needing. And I agree with those who said if it was a true emergency, he should have said, "FIO, please open, it's an emergency" and/or texted similar. He did not.

 

I tried to put myself in your shoes with my now ex, who I do still hear of occasionally, as we, too, have mutual friends. We have spoken on the phone a few times over the last several months, and the feelings are mutually respectful. However, if he came to my house like that, pounding on the door, I honestly would call the police. I'm not kidding. He's never shown one iota of a violent streak, but are you kidding me? You bet I'd have my phone on 911. So I do not blame you one bit for calling this the "crazy train".

 

You will find out, through your mutual friends, what his "emergency" was about, as it will leak out to you. I know we always say "Strict NC", but it is almost impossible when you have mutual friends, so I feel for you there.

 

Stay strong, my friend. You got this.

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Ok FIO thanks for clarifying, this all sounds very painful for you, I'm sorry ((hugs)).

 

Give it some time, I think once again he was "in his feelings" and over-reacted.

 

When things calm down, talk.

 

Clear the air, define mutual boundaries.

 

Perhaps you can resume the friendship, perhaps not.

 

But at the very least hopefully you can maintain some civility and respect for each other being you have mutual friends and move in the same circle.

 

Best of luck, please keep us posted!

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I only said it was a possibility -- we all don't act/react the same when drinking, drunk, in trouble, scared, etc.

 

My confusuion is they have been "friends" for a long time after FWB relationship ended, so I would imagine there was some level of trust and if not why continue the friendship until something like this happens?

 

Where he is banging on her door in the middle of the night and she fears for her safety?

 

His reaction seems over the top too.

 

I dunno I guess this is why FIO entitled the thread "tickets to the crazy train"!

 

It sure sounds crazy!

 

But to FiO, I support your decision, you've got a good head on your shoulders, I wasn't there so you know best.

 

I hope you're okay. ;)

 

Never said people did. In this particular situation I do not think he communicated in any way that this was an emergency. And my personal boundary would be that the person would have to communicate that it was an emergency. I'm not letting a person who chose to get drunk into my home unless there is also an emergency - meaning the person is about to be a crime victim, etc. I would call a car service for the person or do something else other than letting the person into my home. That's also because I'm a mom with a child in the home so there's an extra safety concern.

 

In her situation I would fear for my safety because of how it all unfolded.

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