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Thread: Tickets to the crazy train

  1. #1
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Tickets to the crazy train

    So those of you who know my history know the drama I had with my ex FWB now friend.

    In a nutshell he got angry at me for the most obscure reason and Ďghostedí me for a week ,it hurt me, a lot, and triggered abandonment issues etc. He tried to come back but knowing how much I was hurt by his actions, I knew I was way more invested than I should have been, we had been sleeping together for close to a year at that point. I told him I wasnt interested in anything less than dating and no hard feelings if he wasnít on the same page, he said he understood and that was that, I healed and moved on.

    Since we had mutual friends we still ran into each other roughly every month or so, so out of necessity ( itís not our friends fault we crossed that line) we kinda let bygones be bygones, after a while as hurt egos faded we became close again. Before we were close but there was also sex involved which super confusing for me. So itís been nice to have him around platonically without the emotional...confusion... we text multiple times a week, chat on the phone every now and then, I get advice from him, he gives me pep talks, I do the same.

    Since I give advice here enough I kinda recognize the need to add that I recognize heís kinda been an emotional crutch for me on multiple levels. One of our other friends asked what I was going to do once he finally started dating someone and I couldnít really answer. No Iím not in love with him and heís not in love with me, but I like having him there as an ear. Something about previously sleeping with someone youíre now friends with, it makes it a whole lot easier to be vulnerable about things. also wonít lie, the fact that he hasnít gotten into a relationship or even dated anyone else, at least as far as I know, kinda keeps my ego fed. But on the flip side ignoring my own advice about finding joy in failures, I know that once he does get into a relationship, my ego is going to take a hit.

    On to the event thatís led me to post:

    So Iím up late and I get a text from him, not completely out of the ordinary so didnít surprise me, it says Ďwake upí I text back Ď I am upí he texts back Ď Iím on my way overí I text back Ď for what?!?!í Im under the impression heís joking, again we havenít slept with each other since things ended, so I end up dozing off, next thing I know Iím being woken up by the sound of my door knob jiggling, I jump up thinking someoneís either drunk and at the wrong door or is trying to break in, I yell out hello? The jiggling stops then it starts again, at the point Iím more awake and kinda put two and two together. I call him and say Ďthat better not be you at my door dudeí, he responds Ďit is let me in.í I yell Ď are you kidding me? Leave now!í I hang up my phone and go lay back down, pretty shaken up to be honest, Iím assuming he must have been at one of our friends house drinking, my house is between our friends and his.

    A few minutes after I lay down I get a barrage of texts:

    BYE.
    We canít be friends anymore after this.
    Donít contact me ever again.

    Obviously I didnít respond, the whole thing really bothered me though.

    So today Iím fully expecting him to text/call me to apologize because Iím assuming he was drunk.

    No text, no call.

    Iím pissed.


    Iím not writing to ask Ďwhy did he do that?í or Ďwhy isnít he callingí I already know drunk and embarrassed and/or prideful, and thatís not ok with me.

    Iím writing because Iím angry and A.) I need to be walked off the ledge and B.) I think I need to cut ties from him and I need help finding the strength to do it. Also, my insecurity is rearing itís ugly head. Due to our history again he is triggering me big time. Iím thinking I did something wrong, maybe he wasnít drunk, logically I know I didnít but the urge to call and yell or contact him to force an apology is strong even though I know that would be idiotic.

    So come on guys knock some sense into me, this is just messy and I hate messy. I was having a perfectly uneventful and mellow weekend, I didnít ask for tickets to the crazy train, at least I donít think I did, I guess allowing myself to get close again would be my first class ticket huh?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Iím confused why you didnít let him in if heís a friend. Couldnít he be hurt too? Letting him in doesnít mean anything has to happen - but you could at least talk before having him return home

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    There is really only one reason to show up at someoneís house at or past bedtime. Sex. His pride is hurt I would just let him go.

  4. #4
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    On some level you don't trust his intentions, which is why I think you turned him away. Fair. You're relationship is confusing and he overstepped a boundary. I think you asserted yourself appropriately (and wonderfully, I might add). He was the drunk one who decided to just show up at your house without an invite, so it is 100% on him to explain and/or apologize. My first guess would be that he wanted a booty call and figured you'd be game, and his ego is bruised.

    In my opinion, he can just deal with that. You offered a relationship, he declined, and you had the decency to stay friends with the man. If he's not going to respect you or care about your feelings, it might be time to retract that friendship.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Mustlovedogs thatís where my second guessing myself is coming in. What if he wasnít drunk and actually needed to talk, but then why not just say that?

    Like Sera said, kinda obvious what he was after, which he wouldnít attempt sober, which is why Iím assuming he was drunk.

    Iím like 80% sure he was trying to get laid. But that other 20 is causing me to overthink which I HATE! ugh.

    Yep think itís time to end the friendship.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Thanks SGH, thatís just what I needed to hear!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    A few minutes after I lay down I get a barrage of texts:

    BYE.
    We canít be friends anymore after this.
    Donít contact me ever again.
    As someone who truly appreciates you and your insight around here, I'd like to thank him for sparing you the trouble (well... at least as much as he could after the initial event).

    I've acted plenty a mess while drunk before, but that is absolutely nuts to show up at a woman's place uninvited, regardless of whether he'd announced. And rattling your door knob trying to get in? That's some horror movie **** right there-- and if not that, at the very least stalker-ex Lifetime movie material. That would trigger anyone.

    In short, f*ck that guy.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    I agree the guy was creepy, and I donít think you behaved unreasonably, but it feels like you wanted to let him in and decided to exert some power or something and not do it. Which is fine - but, not letting someone in would be a kiss of death to a friendship IMO

  10. #9
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    Different spin, but the fact he allowed himself to become so emotional -- this can't work, don't ever contact me again -- suggests his feelings run deeper than just friends.

    Way deeper, beyond friendship and/or sexual attraction.

    Same as yours which is quite obvious too imo.

    Yes the drunk dialing and showing up at your door was super dumb, but who thinks clearly when we're in love (yes love) and drunk?

    I thought this right off the bat when reading your original post. He's in love with you!

    What do you actually want with this guy fio?

    I bet he would say your actions/words have been confusing too!

    I think in his mind, he felt rejected by you, you hurt him too.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 02-02-2019 at 08:50 PM.

  11. #10
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    I agree with the others that it was not ok at all to show up at your place like that at that time no matter what - certainly if he'd texted that he was in some sort of trouble or distress and asked to see you something could have been worked out perhaps but -and I am a bit biased on this - it's never appropriate to just show up - I don't care if it's a woman or man - in that way and at that time and by jiggling your door, etc. He also needs to be mature enough to communicate with you about it IMO.

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