Should I meet him? Am I being played? Am I being naive to his charms?

Hi all!

Want some advice on a guy please. I used to work in the same place as this guy, we did not talk much but always liked my social media photos. I always thought he was attractive but I had a boyfriend when I worked there. A few years ago we he messaged me randomly to say he had always liked me and that I was beautiful but he said he never had the guts to say anything until then. I was flattered by the response and he asked if he wanted to meet up, I declined as I wasn’t wanting to date anyone or start a relationship plus he had a 2 year old son and was getting help for alcoholism and has PTSD. He messaged me every month or so asking how I was. Just last week he asked if he wanted to meet up again.... but he lives about 300 miles away now but keeps telling me he is moving back to where I stay but he never has. He asked me if I wanted to come see him but I declined and said if he is in my city I would like to meet for a coffee. He says he has a handle on his PTSD now and alcoholism his son lives in the city I live in. He is very attractive, nice guy but a few issues. He keeps saying I’m his “perfect girl” and that he has a feeling that we will be together. He used to joke that I will marry me one day. But I feel he doesn’t really know me that well. He is now saying he is moving back to the city I live in in May and want to see me. I said yes if we are both single then. Is he playing me? Am I being naive to his charms? He knows I’ve had my fair share of mental health issues and is always lovely saying I can call him whenever I want just to chat. But is he just interested because he can relate to me?

It sure is flattering to get this kind of feedback. You are being very wise to think twice and not be drawn in by the flattery. At the same time, it would be unfair to assume his intentions are to "play" with you. If I were in you shoes I would: make my first priority my recovering from the issues that I have worked hard to overcome in my life and not be drawn in or taken backwards by any distraction such as this guy's intense interest. The best way to check a player is with a stop watch, time will show you if he has wholesome intentions, there is no need to rush,let him move back in May and then take is very slow, with a friends first approach. I'd also ask him to stop the references to marrying you one day, tell him, that's a a serious thing to consider and would be a long ways off, there is a lot of ground work to cover first. Then see if he is up for the long haul, for the effort and commitment of patiently respecting your responsibility to take care of yourself first and invest in a relationship with him second.

The thing about this type of situation is he's had a lot of time to build up a relationship and who you are in his mind. The reality could lead to disaster and hurt. I don't think it would be the worst thing in the world to meet him, but do go in with the expectation that it could fizzle out pretty fast when you aren't the person he built up in his fantasy.

His mental health issues are problematic for me. PTSD and alcoholism can go hand in hand, and once an addict, always an addict. You never know if they'll slip or what will trigger the PTSD and possibly alcohol. Of course many, many overcome these things, so I don't want to bash, but this situation is pretty huge. It's up to you whether you wish to pursue it. Proceed with caution. You don't know whether this could turn out to be a good thing, but it could turn out to be a mistake.

The child - stepmommy - are you prepared for that? Would he want more children with you? Do you want children?

I don't know what you mean by "playing." What in the world would he be playing you for? Free room and board? Access to your bank account?

I don't think it's unreasonable that a person would like you because he can relate to you. That's kind of the whole point. What you don't want to be is a crutch or his therapist. It's not your job to fix him.

What prompted him to move away and what prompted him to move back? Were these steps to take to better his life? Will coming back put him back in the throws of bad friends and bad choices?

If you would like to meet him for coffee, touch base, catch up, why not? I don't know whether or not he's relationship material. There are no guarantees in this arena.

He seems to have too much issues for a healthy and stable relationship.

Stay friends if you want and tell him when he moves there you can catch up over a coffee. In the meantime continue your self improvement program of getting treated for depression, ongoing therapy, getting in shape, eating better and other confidence and health boosting activities. Don't rely on what people claim or purport to 'have a handle on' when you have no first hand observation of that.

-he had a 2 year old son

-getting help for alcoholism

-has PTSD.

-he lives about 300 miles away now

-He says he has a handle on his PTSD now and alcoholism

-saying he is moving back to the city I live in in May

He seems to have too much issues for a healthy and stable relationship.

I agree. How long does he say he has been sober?

How long has he been sober?

Why did he move 300 miles away from his son, and one so young at that? If it wasn't absolutely necessary, I'd lose respect for a person who didn't make his child a priority, to be able to see him regularly. That alone would be a turnoff to me. And why did his marriage end? That's some personal history to learn some personal cues about him.

I'd be cautious with him. If the reason he is moving back is to be able to date you (and he might not tell you it's the reason why) and if in his mind he is going to marry you, he could become a stalker. He sounds high risk to me.

"His mental health issues are problematic for me. PTSD and alcoholism can go hand in hand, and once an addict, always an addict."

"Why did he move 300 miles away from his son, and one so young at that? If it wasn't absolutely necessary, I'd lose respect for a person who didn't make his child a priority,"

All you need to know. Don't let a little flattery allow you to avoid some major issues. Have you not dated in a long time, is this why this guy is attractive to you?

He's dazzling you with his science. Tell him to give you a call when he has moved there and in the meantime, you think it's a good idea if the two of you stop the electronic communication because its a very poor way to get to know one another.. Then be distant until he gets there. You don't want to make yourself vulnerable (being vulnerable to someone you have never met leads to false feelings) to him with simple words that have zero actions to back them up as truth.

No idle chit chat will give you both a clean slate when if you ever actually meet in person. If he's not going to AA or a personal therapist to help him with keeping sober then I suggest you just end all communication now and don't allow your superficial "connection" to bloom into anything more.

I don't think he is playing you at all. He seems genuinely interested.

That said it's hard to support someone who had issues with mental health you have some of your own in terms of a romantic relationship.

As you guys haven't met or anything yet. Wait till he moves back to where you are and meet as friends.

You'll get an idea how he is coping with his mental health and whether or not you want to pursue it romantically.

As you said you two have things you can relate about. I see that grounds for a blossoming friendship and not so much a new romance.

Until you meet him and guage it all in person you'll never know.

Just go with your gut. If you have doubts there is often a reason why... Just saying.

Best of luck x

he had a 2 year old son and was getting help for alcoholism and has PTSD.

As others have asked, how long has he been sober? Dating a fully recovered alcoholic is one thing. Dating someone who has only been sober for some months is something that I cannot recommend as he needs to tackle leading a sober life first. On top of it and his PTSD, he needs to manage being a father. Mustn't be easy.

I'd rather offer him my support as a friend.

Just last week he asked if he wanted to meet up again.... but he lives about 300 miles away now but keeps telling me he is moving back to where I stay but he never has.

 

Interesting that when you actually lived in the same area, he never had the guts to ask you out.

Now that he's 300 miles away, he suddenly gets the courage?

Something I have learned these past few years is there is reason a man who lives long distance becomes interested in you.

Oh sure they all say they will be moving to your area "soon" but never do.

These guys prefer distance, physical and emotional. Too much closeness makes them nervous, it imposes on their "space" and they fear the woman will expect more from him than he's capable or desirous of giving.

Like a relationship! So they "intentionally" seek out women who live long distance.

When I started on line dating last year, with guys who messaged me who lived more than an hour away by car, I took a pass, even if they said they were moving to my area soon.

It's usually bs, they want something casual which includes sex whenever they're passing though, or they want something long distance so they can feel free and not so boxed in and "pressured" to deliver.

And the fact he told you he has this "feeling" you are the "perfect girl"?

Arghh! Please, I hope to God you didn't fall for that.

Anyway, if you really like him, tell him to contact you once he permanently moves back to your area, but don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen.