Mess after a rollercoaster relationship

I have a long and drawn out story with a back-and-forth ex of mine that has made me feel all kinds of ways; totally confused, disgusted, bitter and a kind of anger I have never felt before almost to the point of wishing he was dead (Please don’t take this as literal, it just describes the feelings I have as a reaction of the fact that I can’t have anything we had undone). I know it sounds harsh but the feelings I’ve had towards him and how our relationships played out have just been eating at me for years.

We met about five years ago and developed an on-and-off relationship that lasted a couple of years, even though our official period as a “couple” was only about 3 months. It may sound weird, but this is also why I’m so unsure of what to do with my emotions. The whole rollercoaster nature of him and I has messed me up. He was the one finally breaking up with me even though I wasn’t entirely sure or happy about how things were between us either. He has since moved back to be in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend that he dated before me. Or they may have started/continued things while he and I were seeing each other. I don’t know, because he wasn’t exactly truthful or open about any of his emotions whilst I needed him to be.

I also want to preface by saying that yes, I know that by being involved with someone who can’t make up their mind about you, you are putting your own worth down and accepting ty conditions, but I didn’t know any better at the time and nobody is perfect. So please accept that that is how I dealt with things and please don’t judge me too harshly for it. ☹

I want to focus on the now since that is what is driving me crazy. We share a group of friends in quite a small area of the town we both have lived in in the last 5 years, and it is very noticeable how relations have progressed since he got back with his ex. He seems to just live on, and has adopted the method of never explaining too much, all the while maintaining the exact relationships as before he and I got together. It is as if things never happened between us, he is the director of this narrative, and thereby everything just looks better when we are both in the same space at a party or some other social occasion. I do not agree with this narrative, and since we shared intimate emotions and super intense sexual chemistry (which I know for a fact is something he felt too) for years, it is just mind-boggling how he can get away with this and extremely condescending to me.

Ever since I learned that he is back with his ex for (seemingly) the long haul going on two years now, the anger I have towards him has just intensified. Since our break-up was never really clear and abrupt, all the sense-making is something I am having to STILL do since he doesn’t offer any kind of clear explanation or even empathy. The worst part of this is that I find that he has succeeded. People, i.e our shared friends, still treat him as if he is this cool guy who throws parties and is “sweet” even though many know he has treated girls in quite ty ways while dating them (including me! Not all our friends know, but I think they don’t want to know what he’s actually like in a relationship… easier to pretend like everything’s fine, right? For the benefit of the group). In the meantime, I have kind of been blurred out and disappeared into the ether. It is so infuriating I don’t even have enough words to describe what it feels like. Not only has he messed with my emotions for years, he is also making it nearly impossible for me to hang with our shared friends since I can’t stand his presence anymore. More so, I can’t stand to pretend to agree with the false narrative HE has created about us and that we are somehow fine now or even amicable.

I am currently living in a city about half an hour away. One main reason is I am so not dealing well with how things are with our shared friends. It has really made me lose trust in both them and honestly in many other people as well. I know I have people who care for me, but most of them live in my hometown, and I just feel so lonely in having to deal with all of this. I have dated lots of people since him, even had shorter relationships with three different people, but after they have ended I always seem to get back to feeling such visceral anger towards him specifically. Just the thought of something he said or did years ago can make me start crying in a minute and make me spiral into this hole of bitter emotions where I just want to scream my truth about what happened.

I really don’t know what to do with all these emotions, and I really don’t know what the best way is to move on. Like I said I have dated others, but it doesn’t remove the feelings of anger I have. I guess if it isn’t clear from what I just wrote, what has messed me up apart from the rollercoaster nature of our relationship, it’s that he acts like everything’s just fine and that I should just move on. This is something he always did in our relationship and still does – ghosting me and making me feel like what I am going through isn’t important.

I guess I just need any tips or advice from anyone who has gone through something similar. Even though I hate him now, he was once very close to me, probably one of the closest people to me. It’s just painful how things have spiraled and it definitely has changed me and my feelings of trust to other people.

I feel for you. There isn't any easy way of dealing with the emotions I think, it takes time bit by bit it gets better. Take some time for you rather than dating others maybe? I have been the same, painful memories from past hurts many years back can make me cry. I am having counselling it has helped a bit. I am slowly letting go. I had a lot of anger over men who stepped over my boundaries and wasted my time. I had a lot to learn, still do. I try not to beat myself up over it now. I just did the best I could and I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted.

I found podcasts and books helped, I took up drama which is great for expressing myself. I also developed some friendships with men which have helped.

we shared intimate emotions and super intense sexual chemistry

If you can't deal with the left over emotions or the addiction you had to the "intense sexual chemistry" as you withdrawl from no longer having it, then please get yourself into therapy to figure out why you don't love yourself enough to dump someone who you were simply on and off with until you were addicted to the dynamic.

Being "off and on" with someone is natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person so don't ignore the red flags and keep going back because of the draw of your hormones (sexual chemistry). It will shred you everytime you tear down your own personal boundaries to be with someone who you KNOW isn't in it because they love you.

Time is your friend, zero contact will get you to the stage of indifference to him more quickly.

"Time is your friend, zero contact will get you to the stage of indifference to him more quickly."

There is definitely no contact anymore. Like I wrote, we share friends and there is always the risk of us being at the same party or social event. I also don't see why I should withdraw from the events that MY friends are organising just because he is there. If that is what it takes to have "zero contact", then no, I dont know if I'm ready for that. I care about having a social circle and I care about these people (just like he does).

and that is THE only reason you allowed yourself to keep going back to him.. a man that clearly did not value you or show you that he loved you.

 

If you can't deal with the left over emotions or the addiction you had to the "intense sexual chemistry" as you withdrawl from no longer having it, then please get yourself into therapy to figure out why you don't love yourself enough to dump someone who you were simply on and off with until you were addicted to the dynamic.

 

Being "off and on" with someone is natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person so don't ignore the red flags and keep going back because of the draw of your hormones (sexual chemistry). It will shred you everytime you tear down your own personal boundaries to be with someone who you KNOW isn't in it because they love you.

 

Time is your friend, zero contact will get you to the stage of indifference to him more quickly.

There is definitely no contact anymore. Like I wrote, we share friends and there is always the risk of us being at the same party or social event. I also don't see why I should withdraw from the events that MY friends are organising just because he is there. If that is what it takes to have "zero contact", then no, I dont know if I'm ready for that. I care about having a social circle and I care about these people (just like he does).

There is definitely no contact anymore. Like I wrote, we share friends and there is always the risk of us being at the same party or social event. I also don't see why I should withdraw from the events that MY friends are organising just because he is there. If that is what it takes to have "zero contact", then no, I dont know if I'm ready for that. I care about having a social circle and I care about these people (just like he does).

Then be prepared to harbour the feelings you are currently harbouring for some time to come. You can certainly see your friends by inviting them to your place or to some other venue without going where you know he is going to be. Don't make your addiction to him a reason to keep going where you know he will be. Time for cold turkey withdrawl.

You either resign yourself to get over this or you continue on as you are, as you feel. Your choice.

Sorry to hear this it sounds like a turbulent on/off relationship. you only dated 3 mos out of this long dramatic 2 years? Be glad he's out of your life and back with his other on/off gf.

All you can do is avoid him when possible or just be polite sociable when you run into each other. Of course delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Also develop a self improvement plan and focus on that . Get in shape, new clothes, hair etc. Take some courses and classes. Expand your social horizons beyond this inbred little lockstep clique he is in. Volunteer, join some groups and clubs. Reconnect with coworkers, friends, classmates, family.

Also with your new updated look and new interests, get on some quality dating apps with a good profile and recent pics and start messaging and meeting men. He moved on long ago with his prior on/off gf and you should move forward also.

developed an on-and-off relationship that lasted a couple of years, even though our official period as a “couple” was only about 3 months.

 

it is very noticeable how relations have progressed since he got back with his ex. He seems to just live on, and has adopted the method of never explaining too much, all the while maintaining the exact relationships as before he and I got together.

Then be prepared to harbour the feelings you are currently harbouring for some time to come. You can certainly see your friends by inviting them to your place or to some other venue without going where you know he is going to be. Don't make your addiction to him a reason to keep going where you know he will be. Time for cold turkey withdrawl.

 

You either resign yourself to get over this or you continue on as you are, as you feel. Your choice.

OMG 100% agree with TwT and I speak from experience, having been right where you are yourself.

Sexually/emotionally addicted in the worst way possible although did not realize how addicted I was for all our years together till the end, and after I left.

I also loved him but I love ME too and did whatever I needed to do to move on.

I finally left, changed my phone number, moved and avoided the places/events I knew he would be with our mutual friends.

My friends understood, even encouraged it and we socialized outside of these events.

It even empowered me to do so cause I was taking care of me and that is empowering!

That said, I experienced one of worst six months to year of my life after it ended..

The symptoms of withdrawal were so intense, my entire body, mind and soul literally ached for him, there were times I even contemplated suicide.

But in time, I moved past it and now I can say sincerely I am at a place of total indifference and rarely think of him anymore!

It took about a year to move on but two years to reach this indifference. I would never had gotten there had I continued to see him, "run into him" at social events.

Now three years later, I am in a much healthier RL with a new man!

Bottom line, you're not ready for it to be over. You're just not, may as well get honest with yourself and own it.

No one is gonna judge you, least of all me, it's hard!

Hopefully, one day you will be ready and when you are, there will be no insisting you need to attend these social events where he will be to maintain your friendships.

It bs, an excuse, trust me, if you're not there your friends will understand! And you can get together with them outside of these events.

You don't break an addiction by continuing to expose yourself to your "drug" of choice.

Which is what you'd be doing if you insist on attending these social events you know he will be attending too.

Take care of YOU.

Yes, I mean I have literally moved to another country to stay away. So I think I m doing my best. It is just a train ride away though, and I do miss my friends. I don't miss the social setting as it is with him in it, I wish it was how it was before he appeared.