Odd ex behavior, why?

So a year and a half ago I had a 3 or 4 month long summer fling with a girl, started out hot and heavy but turned out she came from a very religious family and it was a no-go with them, I was basically a secret from her family and at my age that doesn't fly, we faded apart and didn't talk for about a year when I ran into her back last summer. We got to talking and then she started texting me, nothing crazy but it got to the point where it might go somewhere. I wasn't dating and frankly had nothing better to do, but she'd never show if I invited her over so I'd stop texting her, figuring getting back in touch was a mistake and just to move on. This period really made it obvious why ex's should stay ex's.

 

But a week or month would go by and she'd start texting again, saying things like she wished I was with her, or another time when flying back called me from the airport, then the airport the plane had a stop over at - weird stuff.

 

She'd send me pictures from her family trips etc, then she did come over and we had sex. Texting was still on and off until it was just off and I simply moved on and dated someone else.

 

Now, I have just found out that she had a boyfriend this entire time since running into her. The pics of her "family" trips she had sent were from a trip with him

 

I guess I am just wondering why? Who does that?

Sorry thus happened. How did you find this out? Sounds like she's cheating.

I have just found out that she had a boyfriend this entire time since running into her. The pics of her "family" trips she had sent were from a trip with him

Sorry thus happened. How did you find this out? Sounds like she's cheating.

 

Uhh yeah.

 

I think she likes to swing from one vine to another, if you know what I mean

She is Definitely cheating on u guy move on and never get back to her.i think she wants to be with u but for sexual things I guess

 

I wasn't the one with her, but the lying and deceit just makes my head spin - we weren't a match when I was with her, but she seemed honest and well put together - kinda shocked at finding this out. Turns out she's just a scum bag.

People who do this sort of thing are among the most selfish you will ever meet.

 

She comes to you when her boyfriend is busy and not giving her the attention she wants, or they fight, or some other lame reason. She wants to keep you just warm enough in case they break up and she needs a landing pad. I would not be surprised if the religious family was a cover story she used to keep you in the shadows without raising too much suspicion.

 

How did you find out she's had a boyfriend all along, out of curiosity?

People who do this sort of thing are among the most selfish you will ever meet.

 

She comes to you when her boyfriend is busy and not giving her the attention she wants, or they fight, or some other lame reason. She wants to keep you just warm enough in case they break up and she needs a landing pad. I would not be surprised if the religious family was a cover story she used to keep you in the shadows without raising too much suspicion.

 

How did you find out she's had a boyfriend all along, out of curiosity?

 

I was going through my instagram to see if my most recent ex is still following me, I have erased her everywhere else but for some odd reason, she's still following me on there. Anyways, so is this one, the ex before. Zero posts but I went through her follow list and there was me, a bunch of family and the other guy. Other guys account was open and had all the pics of them. Starting one month after we called it quits, so I am pretty sure she cheated on me with him after things started going sour between us.

 

The religious stuff is verified

 

And BTW - the boyfriend was only after I ran into her after a year being broke up. When together she was over here daily and was frankly very needy and clingy. Here straight from work until very late, and then would call me when she drove home. It was a bit much, that and the religious stuff is why we broke up.

Being "religious" does not automatically mean the person is good. It means that they identify with a set of beliefs that they may or may not follow. My guess is, this girl doesn't have a strong set of values regarding integrity and honesty. Sorry you had to find out the hard way that she doesn't care about staying faithful. She is the only person who could tell you why she cheats, and I wouldn't recommend asking. Don't lose too much sleep over it if you can help it.

Who does that? What does it matter. Move on.

 

(but the answer is: extremely narcissistic people who constantly need to be adored and feel desired.. who live in fantasy land and enjoy the "new love "fantasy stuff and don't care for the "relationship grind". Typically these people are quite insecure and thus need all this attention and fantasy to feel like something)...

Who does that? What does it matter. Move on.

 

(but the answer is: extremely narcissistic people who constantly need to be adored and feel desired.. who live in fantasy land and enjoy the "new love "fantasy stuff and don't care for the "relationship grind". Typically these people are quite insecure and thus need all this attention and fantasy to feel like something)...

 

I genuinely wanted peoples opinions, because I just find it mind boggling. Even when she was here she was gabbing things from the kitchen or bathroom and asking if they were my girlfriends "why are there two soap dispensers?" Uhh because that one is empty.

 

"What is this, perfume?" Uhh no, its scent for the little humidifier.

 

All the while she ACTUALLY DID have a boyfriend.

 

Just wow.

see 'but the answer is" above...

I genuinely wanted peoples opinions, because I just find it mind boggling. Even when she was here she was gabbing things from the kitchen or bathroom and asking if they were my girlfriends "why are there two soap dispensers?" Uhh because that one is empty.

 

"What is this, perfume?" Uhh no, its scent for the little humidifier.

 

All the while she ACTUALLY DID have a boyfriend.

 

Just wow.

 

Not really. It’s never truly curiousity, not when it comes to exes. Curiosity is natural posting about it is taking an extra step that shows you still have skin in the game and you haven’t moved on quite yet.

 

No harm no foul, but the question was a leading question, you already know what you think it means, you’ve already decided in your mind, so it’s not about curiousity you want us to validate you.

 

She could be a narcissist she could be bipolar she could be a serial killer she isn’t hear to answer for her actions, are they kind? No, are they normal? Well that’s all relative, I think she’s acting wrong and selfishly.

 

Guess what though? You’re here and I can give advice to you and I can based on your words take a stab at where your head is at and I can tell you trying to place attributes of people we are no longer with is about as useful as a third nipple and truthfully it’s a scapegoat, focus on why you care, focus on what led you to allow someone like that in your life, it will be a much better use of your time I promise you.

Looks like her "very religious" background went haywire, resulting in her developing a sudden case of amnesia. With that being said, she's not worth your time or effort.

 

Move forward...Life is short.

I wasn't the one with her, but the lying and deceit just makes my head spin - we weren't a match when I was with her, but she seemed honest and well put together - kinda shocked at finding this out. Turns out she's just a scum bag.

 

Well, in a way you did already know she isn't an honest nor put together sort- she hid you from family using the religion excuse and you describe her behaviours towards you as clingy and paranoid. So you had some idea there were some screws loose.

 

It's just hard once you are deep enough involved where you get to see beyond the tip of the iceberg with sketchy folk. Because you aren't sketchy, it wouldn't occur to you to do it.

 

Your gut steered you right the first time, but then your wiener was saying 'meh why not'. Now you see why not!

A jerk does that.

 

Block her, already!

There can be some serious conflict within the realms of strict religion or even a strict upbringing in general, particularly with teenagers whose sole purpose in life is to rebel, especially against their parents. They'd never leave the nest if they liked us. They are learning their own values, goals, principals, likes and dislikes. You were her rebellion in a way (that's not to say she didn't like you; I'm sure she did, but you're taboo). Even if she plans to jump ship from this religion at some point, she's still highly dependent on her parents, and if she wants to ever leave the house, ever, with her friends, after school, weekends, even dating, she's going to have to play the game, and she's going to play it well. This can include paying for college. That well could run dry in a real hurry with noncompliance.

 

She may be struggling with her belief structure. She may need some time to "boing like a rubber ball" a little. Like the freshman-15. You're on your own for the first time. You stay up too late. You party a little too much. You eat a lot of crap you didn't get to eat at home. You skip class because you sleep in and no one is harping on you to get your butt out of bed. The bliss! And then you reign it in because this structure was instilled in you, and you realize you have to enforce your own boundaries all by yourself and this bouncing is not working for you. She's exploring.

 

Leaving or straying from the strict religion can result in shunning. That's a tough pill to swallow. Or constant disappointment, passive-aggressive behavior. I've witnessed this...not an easy choice to make.

 

The cheater suspects the boyfriend of cheating. She had a guy on the side and her mind naturally went in the direction that you had a girl on the side. It is what it is. Bottom line is this girl doesn't know what she wants and having grown up in such a controlling environment, she's having a hard time maneuvering adulthood (or near-adulthood) on her own. She'll chase away many men, and even friends, if she is consistently suspicious and accusatory of wrongdoing...and I suspect a great deal of this suspicion comes from the mindset that all people who are not of her faith are evil heathens, even though deep down she knows this is not true, and the passive-aggressive tendencies that run rampant in this type of culture. Women in these patriarchal strict religions are massively adept in manipulation and control through passive-aggression.

 

Let her go. You knew from the start this was not going to work. I guess it's hard to tell as a teenager, since every teenager (or most) have to contend with the parents, so being a secret wasn't the most unusual thing in the world, but you had warnings and red flags consistently. Drop in, pop out, drop in. I think she does like you, but she is ill-equipped to make any decision that could jeopardize her family, friends, and her faith over you.

 

I think it's best you let her go.

 

It's a slippery-slope to get involved with someone who is highly religious when you are not, and if they subscribe to a religion you absolutely cannot comply with. It will lead to nothing but contention, especially after the babies are born and marriages have stresses. I have the T-shirt on that one.

 

Time to let her go. Her motivations for spending time and sleeping with you were motivated by her desire to be with you, but how real is it? You're different, you're exciting, and she's playing, and she doesn't know what she wants.

 

Find someone who is better aligned with you and someone who has a sense of self and some confidence in it...there's a lot of shaky ground spreading your wings and leaving the nest and things change, but there has to be some solid foundation. This girl is quicksand.

You nailed it with that purple and I don't blame you for figuring she was a teenager or even still in school, she's in her mid 30's and I am in my late 30's. Yes, when I was with her it felt exactly like a high school relationship. The secrecy and the lying from her were over the top, but its what she grew up having to do to get things around her dad and by her age now its second nature. She still had a midnight curfew!

 

Any wavering from her family rules (her dad) meant he would disown her, so nothing I said or did mattered - or any guy she dates that isn't of their Country of origin and religion (coptic) / dads approval which breeds exactly what she is doing. Exploration, secrecy, confusion and wacky behavior. You also mentioned passive aggressive behavior and oh boy, again nailed it on the head. From things we would eat to movies we would watch, a week or two later "I hated that" all while enjoying it (seemingly) at the time. That always took me aback too...

 

She has also run her friends through the ringer and now is left with next to none of them for much of the same reasons.

 

Thanks for the well written and thought out post.

It sounds like you broke up after a brief fling then just started hooking up here and there in a fwb/nonexclusive situation... So whatever pics are there could be who she was dating and eventually did get into an appropriate family and religion compatible exclusive relationship. It sounds like you were in the friendzone while she was securing a better situation for herself.

 

Yeah scanning, researching, digging into the contacts of an ex's social media to this extent and this long after a mere "fling" and hookups is a waste of time. Just block and delete her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

-a year and a half ago I had a 3 or 4 month long summer fling

-we faded apart and didn't talk for about a year

-We got to talking and then she started texting me.

-She'd send me pictures from her family trips etc, then she did come over and we had sex.

-I have just found out that she had a boyfriend this entire time since running into her.

You need to address why you stayed with this woman after any of these red flags appeared.

You need to address why you stayed with this woman after any of these red flags appeared.

 

All the red flags appeared over the 3-4 months we were together, had I known any of them on the first date I would have bailed or not met at all, but she did the slow drip / boiled frog. Why I stayed? We had a lot of fun, I had been with a string of women that all had boring, bad or controlling attitudes and this one was always happy and positive - and I'll tell you, that goes a long way.

 

She also said she loved me after a month, she had visited my mother, wanted me to marry her etc. It felt like I only had to get things past her father and when it became obvious that was never going to happen it was over. The biggest red flag was that when she told her parents about me they concluded that I for sure would leave her eventually (???). Did they know something I didn't? After all this they just might have - unless it was a dog against me not being religious.

 

And I just punted her off my instagram, even though there were pics on there of the GF I had after her - why do they stay followed?

It sounds like you broke up after a brief fling then just started hooking up here and there in a fwb/nonexclusive situation... So whatever pics are there could be who she was dating and eventually did get into an appropriate family and religion compatible exclusive relationship. It sounds like you were in the friendzone while she was securing a better situation for herself.

 

Yeah scanning, researching, digging into the contacts of an ex's social media to this extent and this long after a mere "fling" and hookups is a waste of time. Just block and delete her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

I’m just gonna quote wiseman here. You have a history of wanting to deamonize and villainize women you’ve been with very brieftly, or all these issues you wrote about are from this one woman, either way given the length of it all your focus on here is the definition of time wasting.

"She also said she loved me after a month, she had visited my mother, wanted me to marry her etc. "

 

Glaring red flag.

 

But maybe the sex felt too good?

"She also said she loved me after a month, she had visited my mother, wanted me to marry her etc. "

 

Glaring red flag.

 

But maybe the sex felt too good?

 

Yes and she had the perfect body for my tastes - live and learn

 

I guess I am just wondering why? Who does that?

Lots of people. Have you not read the many threads on the subject? There ae sociopathic people out there whose only interest is their own and how they feel. You seem to have found one of them. The issue here is you allowed her into your life when she clearly was a piece of fluff out for her own interests. So instead of asking "who does that?" of us, ask yourself why you allowed her to do it... therein lies the rub.

Lots of people. Have you not read the many threads on the subject? There ae sociopathic people out there whose only interest is their own and how they feel. You seem to have found one of them. The issue here is you allowed her into your life when she clearly was a piece of fluff out for her own interests. So instead of asking "who does that?" of us, ask yourself why you allowed her to do it... therein lies the rub.

 

Please explain - we have been broken up for nearly 2 years when I found out how she really was, to another guy. When I realized that she was literally owned by her father I cut her loose back in summer 2017.

Please explain - we have been broken up for nearly 2 years when I found out how she really was, to another guy. When I realized that she was literally owned by her father I cut her loose back in summer 2017.

 

...but you let her back in.

 

You let your lust over-rule your common sense and self-preservation. You found out who she really was way before you had been broken up but you ignored the red flags.

 

I was basically a secret from her family and at my age that doesn't fly,

Being a secret was a deal breaker for you but you went there with her again when you allowed her into your life.

then she did come over and we had sex.

You tore down a personal boundary and she walked through the door you left open for her when you didn't end things with her with a solid ending verbally and then zero contact along with blocking and deleting. Ask yourself why you did that so you learn from it and don't let yourself down like that again.

 

It's time now to forgive yourself for letting yourself down so that you can shelve these ongoing thoughts of her and you and this "thing" you had ongoing with her.