Did I overreact and should I apologize?

Hello all,

I met a guy about a month ago on my flight back to my city from Cuba. We both went there as solo travellers, and in a interesting turn of events, we started talking. I invited him to an event one week later, and he suggested we go for drinks before at a set time. He wasn't online close to our meeting and wasn't replying so I just thought he was not going to go finally. We met again the next day, and I mentioned to him that we were supposed to meet at a specific time the day prior but he didn't respond, which I didn't like. He apologized and said he never does that. We spent about 2 days together after that, we watched movies, he drove me home then to work, I thought he was a really nice guy.

We went on a date about a week later, which went really well. He proposed to hang out with his friends a day after, he told me to let him know when I was done with my plans, but since he didn't follow up, I didn't either. So when he asked me where I was, I said that I went home because I was tired. In the weeks following that, we tried to meet up a couple of times, but it was either him inviting me somewhere last minute, and me saying I wouldn't go (simply because I prefer having a notice, as I am usually busy). He was always actively engaging in our text conversations, which now that I look back, I think that it showed his interest more than mine. At the time, I wasn't too sure.

2 weeks ago, we were supposed to meet up, but he said less than an hour before our meeting that he wouldn't be able to come because he was still at work and finished later. I was with friends, so I didn't really mind.

Last week though, we tried to make plans again with a set time, and he wrote during the day so we can push the time for later. One hour before our meeting, once again he said that he was still at work, and didn't know when he would be done. I asked him to confirm if he wanted to still meet up, to which he answered one hour later that finally it was too late to drive all the way downtown, that he was sorry to cancel, but it was busy season at work and he had to wake up early the next day.

I had a feeling he was going to flake again, so I told him that maybe its best if we take a break from making plans together since he's very bad at it. It was light-hearted but also to get my message across. He laughed it off saying that he was hoping that it wasn't true, suggesting the following night for meet up. I answered i had plans and he didn't reply.

One week later, he writes me again asking me how my week-end went, and suggesting we try again to meet up, and that this time 'no flake, he swears'.

On the moment, I think I have overreacted. We have talked about going to an event over the weekend 2 weeks prior and he didn't message me. I also thought at the time that he flaked on me 3 times (first time for drinks, second time 2 weeks ago, and finally last week), so i wrote to him : You've bailed on me way too many times, got plans tomorrow and unless you're going to put in more effort, I am going to pass, thanks. He never replied, that was 3 days ago.

Did I overreact? Looking back on our messages, he was actively engaged in our conversations and meetings, he did show effort the first time we met. It's just that we only saw each other 2 times, and haven't had the chance to meet up again. Maybe its a lack of effort on both of our parts, I didn't want to seem like I was overly available, or overly eager to see him, but he did invite me a couple of times (very last minute) to hang out with him and his friends at different places. Maybe he was truly interested in me, but I completely shut him down? But he didn't even reply, which leaves me thinking whether he just doesn't care (or thinks I am drama, not interested at all) or maybe I just actually did react in a dramatic way.

I was thinking of maybe getting back to him, and apologizing for overreacting. Not too sure if I should suggest a meeting, but maybe just putting in a small apology. Or should I just leave it as it is?

Thanks for your help.

Let it go - you are not compatible.

To be really honest, though... the way I interpret things, it seems to me that you were the one playing games (and then he started to play games too)...

If you invited him to an event a week later, IMO, it was on you to check in with him the day before to see if he was still available/up for coming. It’s kind of awkward for the invitee to confirm...

Similarly, when you were supposed to meet up with his friends, if you agreed to follow-up when you were done - I don’t know why you expected him to follow up? And then you bailed on him? It’s just weird.

... and then you were rejecting his in invites because they weren’t in enough advance notice even though you weren’t busy (games).

Then he started kind of giving it back to you...

It sounds like you have a lot of expectations on how he should act around making plans (which to me are a bit confusing) and he doesn’t conform to your expectations.

I don’t think this is going to get better. You are both into games and power plays, IMO. This will only go downhill from here.

This guy isn’t the one you are looking for. I think it’s best to just let this one go...

Let Mr. Flakey go. This is too much work!

I too. do not accept last minute invitations from people I just started dating.

Flakes once, benefit of the doubt. Flakes twice...see ya!

Asks out at last minute, tell him too short notice. Continues to ask out at last minutes....see ya!

Girl plays passive aggressive once, laugh it off. Girl plays it again...see ya!

To be honest, this doesn't seem like fun, so why are you dragging it out and spending time thinking about it?

Is he married? Often last minute plans and last minute cancellations and being stood up without responding to texts means he can't sneak out to see you or communicate. Delete and block him. Even if he's not in another relationship, he's a flake and thus a waste of time and energy..

Guys like this who can't seem to form a plan in advance are really hard to work with. Unless you're a last-minute kind of person, it just doesn't work. You'll end up with a lot more headache and never knowing if you're going to get a Friday or a Saturday. There's a lot of stress wondering if you should be available "just in case" and then you make plans with friends and he pops up, and now you're busy, and part of you is wishing you would have waited. The cancellations are difficult as well. I dated one of these. You're incompatible, and of course you question their true interest since you never seem to be a priority.

I do suggest not playing games. If it was your role to "let him know" if you were free the next day, let him know. Don't wait on him and don't blow him off. Sometimes it is something you need - for him to reach out/chase - but you've got to try to let some of that go and follow through and not be flaky. If you want him to be more forthcoming, you can't play the flaky role. Show him how it's done.

With guys like this, you do want a little more chase because there's this underlying current that he just doesn't care that much. His actions certainly don't put you on the forefront. His invitations are often "come hang with me and my friends." Oh goody. I get your feelings for sure. He talks the talk, though, saying he wants to see you and "next week" and he misses you, but then other things pop up, and he cancels or he tosses out a last-minute invite when it's too late. It's hard. I think you made the right choice in not pursuing this further.

I definitely don't think you overreacted. His reasons for flaking don't really matter at this point -he could be a workaholic, or he could be married, or or or or.

Point is, his dating style seems to be much too ambiguous to be compatible with you. HOnestly, I would be irritated as well. I can't stand flakiness.

To be fair, you were a bit inconsistent in your communication with him -as RedDress suggested- but when it comes down to it, you should let this one go.

Reacting and sending a communication then "apologizing" afterward will send the message that you don't mean what you say. Which could translate into not being taken seriously going forward.

Are you panicking because you're worried you drove away a chance to have a relationship? Is having a boyfriend your priority, or is having the RIGHT boyfriend more important? Your choice.

To me, it reads like both of you were playing games instead of just going to go see each other.

You both made it too difficult. You admitted yourself that at times he asked and you turned him down, he would flake and you would get mad.

It sounds exhausting.

I don't think you're compatible and I don't think it's going to work. Maybe it was lack of effort on both your parts or mind games, who knows.

But the bottom line is, this sounds like torture and I can't see it working.

Whether it was your role, his role, or the role of whatever invisible force that brought you together, at the end of the day this guy flakes on plans almost constantly and that would drive me nuts!

If I can't trust that someone will show up when they've volunteered to show up, then what's left to trust about them?