Going Left

So I have been dating this guy since October of 2018. Honestly, its been nice but there is something that is getting on my nerves. He slaps my butt in public way too much. I understand it might be some form of affection but I'm a private person so I don't like that being done unless we are in the comfort of our homes. I have brought it to his attention numerous times and he won't stop. Yesterday, he crossed the line to me. He repeatedly slap my bottom while we were in a crowded basketball gym. I was mortified because I didn't want attention drawn to me. He just kept saying nobody was paying attention to me and I shouldn't care what others think. I told him last night that I didn't like it and he didn't seem to understand why. Now we haven't talked in a while day and I refuse to call him first. Am I doing something wrong?

Slap him back, harder

You two are either playing some sort of BDSM game (likely because you haven't dumped this idiot) or he's a total jerk and you are willing to accept disrespect to hang on to him.

I have brought it to his attention numerous times and he won't stop. I told him last night that I didn't like it and he didn't seem to understand why.

You're not doing something wrong, he is. He has no right to be hitting you if you don't want him to and especially if it's embarrassing you.

He is being disrespectful and it reminds me of a caveman or hillbilly who gets their kicks out of smacking their woman to show authority.

I wouldn't call him either and if he doesn't stop, dump him. It's unacceptable.

No one has a right to touch your body, ever, when you say no. Dump him.

The whole purpose of dating is discovery.

You discovered he doesn't care what you think.

Time to move on.

Yes. Don’t make excuses for him.

I get that he probably thinks he is just being playful - but your boundaries are your boundaries. And the fact that he’s not listening to your feelings and respecting your boundaries is a huge red flag. To me, it means that he sees you as a fun play-thing as opposed to an equal partner.

If he’s ignoring your thoughts and feelings about something this clear that’s clearly in your court (your body) - he will for sure ignore your thoughts and feelings on other things.

Hold your ground. If he can’t respect your wishes and see where he went wrong, dump him.

You don't want to be with a guy who will continue to disrespect you even after you've explained and asked numerous times that he stop the behavior.

When talking doesn't work, you'll have to back it up with actions and dump him. If you talk and talk, but keep dating him, then the real message is that your words don't mean anything and that you are fine with how he is acting. This lack of respect will bleed into absolutely all other aspects of your relationship with him and you definitely don't want that. When a man doesn't respect you, it's over.

 

He slaps my butt in public way too much. I understand it might be some form of affection but I'm a private person so I don't like that being done unless we are in the comfort of our homes.

 

I have brought it to his attention numerous times and he won't stop. Yesterday, he crossed the line to me. He repeatedly slap my bottom while we were in a crowded basketball gym. I was mortified because I didn't want attention drawn to me. He just kept saying nobody was paying attention to me and I shouldn't care what others think.

 

No this is definitely not a form of affection, or him being "playful." No, no, no, no!

Once or twice sure, but this is constant!

This is a form of control, not just the constant smacking itself but him dismissing your feelings and continuing, even pushing harder on your boundaries and upping the ante!

Almost sounds like he is intentionally trying to antagonize you! Then when you speak up, he dismisses and disregards, turning it around and making it your fault for having the gall to express your dislike for something he's doing.

So now you are questioning yourself, your own reaction, your own boundaries, asking us if you're wrong!

Arghh!! Can you not see what this bozo is doing? He is gaslighting you and after only 2-3 months, if me, he would be gone.

Moving forward, you need to get stronger and learn to assert yourself, your boundaries.

Talking alone does not work in most cases.

Men learn by action. That does not necessarily mean breaking up with him (I would because his behaviour would be a huge turn off).

Anyway, for example, next time he smacks you in public, get up and leave. Take an Uber or Lift home if he drove.

Pull back a bit. Let him think about the consequences of his actions! Unless he has a learning disability, he will know exactly why you pulled back.

If/when he contacts you, tell him his actions are disrespectful and unacceptable to you, and you don't give a rat's rear end what "other" people think, that's NOT what this is about!

Do not allow him to flip the script and blame you -- gaslight you.

Can you do that? Be strong and assertive like that? You don't have to be a bytch about it, I'm typically very soft spoken and appear demure, but in reality I am anything but when I'm pissed and feel disrespected and dismissed.

I assert myself in a very respectful way. Men get it real quick and they respect me for it!

If he doesn't and continues to dismiss your feelings and/or flip the script and blame you, dump him!

Hope that helps! G'luck!

Yes. Don’t make excuses for him.

 

I get that he probably thinks he is just being playful - but your boundaries are your boundaries. And the fact that he’s not listening to your feelings and respecting your boundaries is a huge red flag. To me, it means that he sees you as a fun play-thing as opposed to an equal partner.

 

If he’s ignoring your thoughts and feelings about something this clear that’s clearly in your court (your body) - he will for sure ignore your thoughts and feelings on other things.

 

Hold your ground. If he can’t respect your wishes and see where he went wrong, dump him.

Yes, this, of course.

It doesn't matter if he thinks you should or shouldn't feel embarrassed about him slapping your rear end. The fact is that you do not want him to do this, and he seems to take your feelings with a grain of salt. This shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person, on so many levels.

I'm sure there are great things about the relationship, but a relationship is about the entire entity -the good and bad together. And the fact of the matter is, he does what HE thinks is right for you, not what YOU think. I don't see this going anywhere good, and I certainly don't see you getting the respect you deserve. Please move on. Good luck.

If he likes to publicly embarrass you, then publicly embarrass him. Next time (if there is a next time, for me there wouldn't be) he slaps your behind, smack his hand away and loudly say "I already told you to knock it off! Stop it!"

I used to date a guy who very obviously ogled women in public and said things like "Look at that big t*tted one over there!!" in a loud voice. So, one day there was an attractive young man nearby and I shouted "Look at that guy with the big (slang term starting with the letter 'c')!!!"

He never ogled women or made rude comments while with me ever again.

I did, however, eventually dump him because his character was poor, as you can see.

Very disrespectful. How old is he? I'm sure that thus is not the only disrespectful thing he does.

Sounds like a jerk.

Some men have learned to violate a woman's boundaries in seemingly harmless ways; the premise is that we don't really mean it when we say no, its our modesty that is preventing us from saying Oh, I kind of like you being handsy like that.

I can understand how a man may have ended up thinking that way. Also, I would like to drag that man's brain behind my car until he gets some sense beat into him.

Men would do well to expect a woman to own her sexuality. We are adults, are we not? If a man presumes you can take responsibility for your wants and needs, then he would also take you seriously when you draw a boundary against things you do not want and do not need.

So what sort of woman are you, OP? Can you lay claim to what you want, and discard what you don't? If so, then you don't need this guy to do it for you. Kick him to the curb.

He literally doesn't care about you or your boundaries. Dump him

i would also hate having people see this. it is totally disrespectful.

I agree, it's humiliating and demeaning. I would imagine the women who saw it feeling sorry for this woman and the men laughing thinking that guys a real caveman.