Am in a new relationship (3 months) but fear I've done something wrong...

So I'm in a new relationship at the moment with a girl I really like. But there's this other girl who I've liked for a very long time but is just several leagues above me. Anyhow.. I'm involved with this other girl in a business sense and the other day we met up for a drink to discuss something business related. We ended up staying at the bar for 7 hours and it was one of the most incredible conversations/nights of my life. She and I get on so well. Nothing untoward happened but I was so desperate to lean over and kiss her. I feel like a horrible person. Nothing happened but on some level I feel like i've cheated on my current partner. And I also don't how to read what's happening with this new girl.. I had always just assumed she wasn't interested in me.. but she was having just as good a time as me. Surely there must be something more to it... so confused.

Perhaps, you should finish with your gf.

I second Holly's post. If you're having feelings about another woman, don't hold onto your current GF. That is not fair to her.

Because honestly, even if this other girl doesn't end up sleeping with you/ being interested in you, the fact remains that your current GF is "2nd choice." She deserves to be someone's first choice, and clearly that isn't you.

If you want to spend so much energy into figuring out how this other woman feels about you, do the grown-up thing and end it with your GF.

~LC

It's difficult because I've been single for 4+ years and found it so hard to meet people and my GF came along and she's so into me and that feels so nice to be wanted that much by someone... I just don't know if i want her to the same degree. But at the same time there's a voice in my head saying I'd be a damn idiot to let her go. I literally don't know what to do. And this night the other night with the other girl has only deepened the confusion.

Op not to sound harsh:

But you liking the fact she’s into you when you can’t reciprocate the feelings. Is selfish!

Please let her go. You make it sound as if you’re settling for her. Nobody deserves that.

It's difficult because I've been single for 4+ years and found it so hard to meet people and my GF came along and she's so into me and that feels so nice to be wanted that much by someone... I just don't know if i want her to the same degree. But at the same time there's a voice in my head saying I'd be a damn idiot to let her go. I literally don't know what to do. And this night the other night with the other girl has only deepened the confusion.

So, you're basically saying you'll keep your current girlfriend while you make up your mind about another girl ... and when you finally decide you want the other girl, then it will be okay to dump your current girlfriend. Wow. That's just so incredibly selfish. Maybe time to grow up and learn that using people to meet your own selfish ends is just not cool. Not nice.

ugh.. I hate hurting people... I really hate it. But yes I know I'm only hurting her more if I don't feel the same way. But do we need to feel the same way.. I mean I like her a lot.. I'm not getting any younger.. is it wise of me to let her go in pursuit of something that has to be 100% PERFECT, because I know that's never going to happen. Right?

If you were super into your gf—as opposed to being super into someone being into you—the truth is you wouldn’t feel bad about any of this.

You’d have gone out with a terrific and attractive woman—the planet, bless it, is full of them—and you’d have had a nice chat and been excited to go home to your gf. Happens all the time. No harm, no foul.

But, alas, this sense of guilt, of “cheating.” It’s not because of what you did but because it’s forcing you to realize that you’re being very selfish in this relationship, regardless of whether or not this other woman even existed.

So, be cool. Own that. Let your gf go so she can be adored back, the way we all deserve. That’s the grown up move, and you’ll feel yourself grow an important inch or two if you can make it.

It's difficult because I've been single for 4+ years and found it so hard to meet people and my GF came along and she's so into me and that feels so nice to be wanted that much by someone... I just don't know if i want her to the same degree. But at the same time there's a voice in my head saying I'd be a damn idiot to let her go. I literally don't know what to do. And this night the other night with the other girl has only deepened the confusion.

What a selfish individual you are. Terrible! She deserves a hell of a lot better!

Why don't you ask your gf what you should do? Show her this thread.

ugh.. I hate hurting people... I really hate it. But yes I know I'm only hurting her more if I don't feel the same way. But do we need to feel the same way.. I mean I like her a lot.. I'm not getting any younger.. is it wise of me to let her go in pursuit of something that has to be 100% PERFECT, because I know that's never going to happen. Right?

Wow! Unbelievable.

End it with your gf. She deserves a man that values her, not settles.

You need to recheck your thinking. Using people is very uncool just so you don’t hurt her? You’re already hurting her by not letting her find someone who doesn’t think she’s a last resort.

Would you like a sister or good female friend treated like this? Or, how would you feel if a woman were doing this to you?

Don't be a user!

How old are you OP? You sound very young.

How old are you OP? You sound very young.

Sadly, I do not think so. He said there was a time factor.

Jeez I just re-read my comment and I can see it came off a lot worse than I intended. Please, I promise I'm not that shallow. What I meant to say is that I really really like this girl a lot - she's smart and funny and we are so compatible in lots of different ways - so the problem confounding me is the stupid decision I'd be making to throw something like this away because of some idealistic ridiculous notion that someone like me could possible do better and find someone who I am obsessed with on every level and ticks every box and feels the same way about me. Isn't that a silly thing to be chasing after, I guess is my question..?

I'm late 30's. I really hate that I've come off sounding like a jerk, though clearly I have :(

I don’t think you have necessarily come off sounding like a jerk. The simple fact that you have come on here to ask for advice proves that you’re confused and are wanting to take your current gf’s feelings into account. When you say you haven’t dated in 4 years. Like..at all? How long have you pined for this other woman? When you say you’re involved with her in a business sense..how so? I say if she is someone you have to see on a regular basis this problem is going to get bigger for you. You really need to evaluate if it’s just infatuation with this woman and if you’re willing to give up your current situation to explore this other option. You could run the risk of losing both of them if so.

She's not someone I see on a regular basis (only once every couple of months or so), but seeing her other night made me question these feelings I'm having and made me wonder whether it's fair to my existing partner for me to be at a bar with another girl for 7 hours alone and drinking. I can't tell if it's infatuation or not.. I just don't know.

No. It was not fair.

Why don't you are all of this with your partner to see what she thinks.

Is it feasible for you to date this woman or is it just a work crush? Dating 12 weeks is long enough to know how you feel but brief enough to cut your losses if you're not that into it or wish to date others.

So I'm in a new relationship at the moment with a girl I really like. there's this other girl who I've liked for a very long time but is just several leagues above me.

the problem confounding me is the stupid decision I'd be making to throw something like this away because of some idealistic ridiculous notion that someone like me could possible do better and find someone who I am obsessed with on every level and ticks every box and feels the same way about me. Isn't that a silly thing to be chasing after, I guess is my question..?

Being obsessed with someone is unhealthy! What you speak of might be considered love bombing which always leads to disaster in relationships.

In the ideal world yes you want to feel those sparks of chemistry and the excitement of getting to know someone while still being able to remain grounded enough to get to know them at a reasonable pace to see if their values align with yours.

The fact that you think you can do better though is an indication that you need to let this girl go... if the guy I was dating was just with me as an interim solution until he found a better option I would be devastated. Think about what you are doing here and how your decisions are impacting others.

I find that sometimes when you get into a new relationship, all the other ladies in the yard come sniffing around. Your confidence is up. So you are attracting others. I have also learned that no matter how beautiful or awesome the woman can be. There's somebody that got tired of F-ing her.

Either way, if the only reason why you've never dated the other woman because you thought she was out of your league, then let go of your girl so she can be with a dude who believes she walks on water.

Okay, I’ll try to reign it in because it’s obvious that you have not had a ton of experience AND because at your core, you are being fairly honest and KNOW what you did was not appropriate. All you have to do is reverse the situation and imagine your girlfriend saying, doing and thinking exactly what you did with some gorgeous guy who is “several leagues above her”. Imagining it? How’s that feel?!?

All warm and fuzzy...picturing her dreaming about doing better than you?!!? I’m thinking it probably sucks pretty big time.

There are two things I’d like you to consider.

One, you will never know the satisfaction and fulfillment of a deeply committed, intimate relationship if you judge by appearances and a list of boxes you tick off. Surely you’ve heard “the grass is always greener...”, right? There will ALWAYS be someone who LOOKS like a better deal. But what you actually GET is something else again.

And secondly, love is not necessary, nor is it usually, an equitable force. Almost always, particularly during the earlier years of a relationship, it is one partner loving the other more. Typically, that simply means one has a greater capacity for love or a greater ability to express love than the other. In other words, it’s just a symptom of our humanity, not a judgement on the relationship. Years of companionship, shared trials and redefined dreams tend to level that out for those committed to the relationship.

You have much to think about...best wishes to you!

PS One last thought that won’t go away, I couldn’t help but wonder about a hint of ...disgust?, perhaps, when you brought it up that she was way more “into you” than you were into her. The suspicion that someone like that must have a deep and serious flaw in themselves...? So, far easier to ruin this relationship with foolish choices than face that thought. Sound at all familiar?