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New jealous girlfriend


Aussieguy1

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Hi

 

I was in a relationship for six years. We broke up seven months ago. My new girlfriend and I have been together a month. I went to an event and assured my girlfriend that I wouldn't talk to the ex, it's an annual event that I had preorganised. Anyway photos came up on social media and it was obvious that I lied as I spoke with the ex and sat next to her for at least some short time.

 

We obviously built up mutual friends while together. And I was from a small town so lots of our friends are mutual. The new girlfriend is demanding that I don't talk to any friends of the exes that were hers first. I moved to town so most of my friends were the exes first.

 

I know I shouldn't have lied, but I could sense the new gf was jealous and worried. It was a mistake. But this demand seems unreasonable and immature. I have no feelings for the ex and I was looking forward to my new relationship, but if this is how it started maybe it's time to move on... I'm thinking of the break up five years down the track... When kids or financials become involved. We are currently in our early 30s.

 

First time using a forum like this, but look forward to the advice.

 

TIA.

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Well, first things first: Let's take a deep breath and worry about the next week, the next month, not where things are in five years. That's your longterm brain going into overdrive, and probably the part of your brain still wired by your last relationship to think in those terms.

 

That said: yes, this is problematic on a few fronts.

 

I'm guessing that when you assured your gf that you wouldn't talk to your ex you weren't even being sincere. I mean, c'mon. It's an event, you're going to see her, you're adults, you'll inevitably end up saying a cordial hello and maybe—gasp—even having a conversation.

 

But probably you already knew your gf has a jealous streak, which you looked to appease, but your path to appeasement was dishonesty, which of course only amped up that jealous streak. Not a good dynamic, that. Not a cute look for either of you, and at one month everything should be pretty damn cute.

 

So, yeah, I'd be a little wary. Wary of her jealous side, wary that you're already dealing with it by being dishonest.

 

As for what to do? I'd have a little chat—but, you know, an honest chat. Let her know that you have no romantic feelings for your ex, but that in six years together you have mutual friends and that you don't wish to cut off those friendships. Don't make it about her "immaturity," but about who you are, your needs. Let your gf know that you'd like her to meet these friends, since they are part of your life—that you want both of you to feel comfortable and secure.

 

And then observe: how she reacts, how things unfold, how you feel, if the eggshells fade away.

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Well, first things first: Let's take a deep breath and worry about the next week, the next month, not where things are in five years. That's your longterm brain going into overdrive, and probably the part of your brain still wired by your last relationship to think in those terms.

 

That said: yes, this is problematic on a few fronts.

 

I'm guessing that when you assured your gf that you wouldn't talk to your ex you weren't even being sincere. I mean, c'mon. It's an event, you're going to see her, you're adults, you'll inevitably end up saying a cordial hello and maybe—gasp—even having a conversation.

 

But probably you already knew your gf has a jealous streak, which you looked to appease, but your path to appeasement was dishonesty, which of course only amped up that jealous streak. Not a good dynamic, that. Not a cute look for either of you, and at one month everything should be pretty damn cute.

 

So, yeah, I'd be a little wary. Wary of her jealous side, wary that you're already dealing with it by being dishonest.

 

As for what to do? I'd have a little chat—but, you know, an honest chat. Let her know that you have no romantic feelings for your ex, but that in six years together you have mutual friends and that you don't wish to cut off those friendships. Don't make it about her "immaturity," but about who you are, your needs. Let your gf know that you'd like her to meet these friends, since they are part of your life—that you want both of you to feel comfortable and secure.

 

And then observe: how she reacts, how things unfold, how you feel, if the eggshells fade away.

 

I don't agree, at all! They have been dating for a second.

 

Why even bother? Her expectations are unreasonable due to her insecurities. She has already shown him who she is.

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This is how it’s gping to be with her whether it’s in the next hour, tomorrow or five years from now. I think she is very insecure and controlling, issues such as those only get worse as time passes.

 

It’s only been a month. This is the time you should be feeling giddy and butterflies. Not having to walk on egg shells!

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I don't agree, at all! They have been dating for a second.

 

Why even bother? Her expectations are unreasonable due to her insecurities. She has already shown him who she is.

 

Yup—I disagree with me too!

 

Kind of thought we were dealing with people in their late teens/early 20s, when there's a bit more wiggle room for insecurities like this.

 

There can be a very seductive quality to jealous people, especially early, because they can also be some of the most infatuated. Yet that's all ego, ego masquerading as the heart, which is a road to nowhere good and fun pretty fast.

 

Seems, OP, you've already steered from fun to nowhere good.

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We don't live together but I did stay at her place for two weeks before I travelled to Africa as she's in Brisbane and I'm in country qld, and we have an office in brissy.

 

She has met a dozen of my friends who moved to brissy, whom all know my ex. So it's not clear whom I would need to unfriend. Seems a bit complicated.. And I was dishonest. But it was an amicable break up. She was 14 years older and we ended it on good terms with no feelings of love or hate toward each other.

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This is too much, too fast. I didn't meet my ex's friends until the two-month mark.

 

DO NOT unfriend any friend for a girlfriend. Period! What are you thinking? I think you should consider not dating for a awhile.

 

Go get your stuff, then lose the lunatic gf.

 

Next time, slow your roll.

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You do not "need" to unfriend anyone.

 

There is another woman out there—plenty—who will not be affected by this. In fact, she will be comforted by the fact that you had an amicable breakup, that you are on good terms. She'll see that as a sign of your maturity and capacity for compassion, not as some threat.

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The point of dating is to get to know the person and see what issues they have. If you don't want to be with a hyper insecure, controlling, jealous woman who will dictate to you who you can and cannot talk to, who you can and cannot be friends with, then I think the answer is quite obvious - dump her today. It's barely been a month and already too much drama. No big loss here and I'd hope that you don't already have some major attachment to her.

 

This is a toxic beginning and so no need to carry on, unless you actually enjoy this kind of drama, lying, sneaking around, fighting, etc, etc, etc.

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I won't be unfriending anyone. Sorry, that was meant to be a rhetorical 'how would this even work'

 

Yes I think we moved too quickly. I guess I had heard someplace that if you click, you know, and invited her to a get together in Brissy. I think moving to a big city will be beneficial and will take some time to digest this prior to starting dating again.

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Everything falls into place when you meet the right person. You will see more positive then their quirks, let’s face it everyone has quirks. However, their quirks won’t be of any manipulative element, such as obsessive jealousy or controlling.

 

The person you meet that clicks will lift you up, inspire you to be better, and be very supportive and have no selfish motive.

 

 

She’s out there just don’t settle for anything less.

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Cut your losses if it's going this bad after only dating 4 weeks. The dating period when you see things like this and decide if you want to date further.

I know I shouldn't have lied, but I could sense the new gf was jealous and worried. It was a mistake. But this demand seems unreasonable and immature. I was looking forward to my new relationship, but if this is how it started maybe it's time to move on.

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Thanks everyone for the advice. I definitely didn't think this was normal and I do feel terrible about the fact I had to hide that I may speak to my ex, before and after, to avoid the jealousy issues.

 

I guess my ski trip to New Zealand will be just as fun by myself :) minus the cost of her plane ticket..

 

For fun, here's the event... 150 boxing kangaroos attending the cricket. Pretty formal occasion. I'm selfie-ing it up with a mate.

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Wanting to prevent partners from talking to friends is unacceptable, specially one month in. Is this a prison or a relationship? If she's already showing the "crazy" at one month in, in which people are usually still at their best behaviour, then multiply it by 10 when she gets more comfortable after a while.

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Look, I can understand you both a bit. It‘s pissing you off that she‘s so jealous because that would mean that she‘s not trusting you. From her side, you gave her a point to not trust you, because you lied and she had to see those pictures together with your ex. But the real problem she has is a very low self-esteem I think. I know what I‘m talking about because I had that problem, too. Having a low self-esteem is nothing to be ashamed of, it‘s nothing bad. But it‘s going to tear you down if you don‘t try to fix it. So I think the best you can do is to try helping her out and fixing that problem. Tell her how you feel for her and that you don‘t want to lose her. But that you remarked her problem and that she needs to fix it to prevent other problems.

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Wanting to prevent partners from talking to friends is unacceptable, specially one month in. Is this a prison or a relationship? If she's already showing the "crazy" at one month in, in which people are usually still at their best behaviour, then multiply it by 10 when she gets more comfortable after a while.

 

Read this 10 times in the event that you ever have doubt.

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