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Thread: How to win her back

  1. #1
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    How to win her back

    Around 3 weeks ago GF of 4 years said she would like to break up with me or at least take a break from our relationship, so she could figure out where she stands with us. We agreed to take a break, and when the timing will come we would discuss it. Since then we were in a limited contact, at first contacts were initiated from her side, now in last days also by me (it was her birthday). From my point of view we talked way too much as we should in order to get the clearer picture of us.

    Since then we talked 2 times of relationship, where she both times stated she would like to end it but very much like to stay friends with me (prior to this 4yrs relationship, we where also 7yrs together (2005-2012), but from 2012 - 2014 were split), I on the other hand did not agree with her, saying I would like to continue our relationship and am willing to make an effort to make it better. I'm not holding her here, she can leave and contact me if she change her mind, but if we break up I won't be able to stay friends with her (she couldn't believe that about friendship and was obviously devastated by it).

    Last time we talked about us was 2 days ago and there was no conclusion. Later at night I asked her about that, and she said why does it always has to be her making conclusions...I mean ?! I'm not the one wanting to break up (Didn't said that out loud). So I just said in a funny moment, ok, then we'll stay together and work on having betterl relationship, to which she replied "no" in an don't annoy me way.

    Our problem is/was, too little sex (I also had some medical problems down there, but was afraid to get it check out....since our broke up, I already went to doctor and am taking care of that), me not being man enough and being lazy (btw I have a job, which pays good and have lots of free time which I just waste it instead of working on something that makes me happy).

    We live together, but since our "break up" she's mostly staying at home and me in the apartment. She still has most of her stuff here, so basically were on status quo. We see each other maybe once/twice a week.

    I decided I will not initiate the contact no more, of course if she does I will reply, and I will try and work on my issues to be better person and have better quality of life. Of course I want her back as honestly we have a lot in common and are very compatible.

    Any opinions on the situation?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What are the disagreements about? To be honest it's silly to "break up" and actually still be living together. It's neither here nor there, just a stand off where neither of you will compromise or improve things but neither of you will leave or make some sort of reasonable decision... So you live with all the same problems and all the same nonsense but with even more tension and discord.

    Are you both on the lease? How long have you lived together? Is she at her parents or does she have her own place? If it took her moving out to get you to wake up and have your ED addressed and whatever other "laziness" drinking, "time-wasting" or lack of romance lack of affection (seems to be her main complaint) then you've got some work to do, not for her but for yourself.

    You also don't mention values, goals, kids, commitment, future, marriage etc. Where do you stand a on this and where is she on this? Playing house indefinitely in a sexless, loveless relationship may cause many women to reevaluate and reflect on why they are wasting their time on this. Find out what the real concerns besides lack of sex, affection, romance, etc are and if you can address them.

    Make a decision. Either she breaks up and moves out or you two reevaluate what you both want and reconcile. Right now you are neither here nor there, somewhat roommates and that's a waste of everyone's time.
    Originally Posted by Coyote
    -she would like to break up with me or at least take a break from our relationship, so she could figure out where she stands with us.
    -she both times stated she would like to end it but very much like to stay friends.
    -I on the other hand did not agree with her, saying I would like to continue our relationship and am willing to make an effort to make it better.
    -Our problem is/was, too little sex
    -me not being man enough and being lazy
    -We live together, but since our "break up" she's mostly staying at home and me in the apartment.
    -She still has most of her stuff here, so basically were on status quo.

  3. #3
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    She lives at home atm, at her parents. And when she is at the apartment, then I'm at home at my parents. 2 days we've both been here at the same time...there we no bigger tension tbh.

    Thanks Wiseman2 for the answer.

    Yes, I know I must do things for myself and not for her. TBH I'm not satisfied the way I function, and yes that is what drove her away, all this "little" things, like what future holds for us, romance, etc

    I started reading some books, and have realized what being a man should be all about, and how to have a better relationship...I stoped caring about myself and took her for granted. Not saying she was perfect, cause she wasn't, but I as a man should lead and create better environment.

    So yes, I started working on me because of me (hope I also know that deep down).

  4. #4
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    Did you try couples counseling? Why did you split the first time?

    Do not understand why you did not get the medical bit taken care of sooner. That was selfish.

    You should stop ALL talk unless she wants a reconciliation. As you said, you cannot be friends. If there are feelings it is not possible.

    Stop letting her jerk you around. A decision needs to be made.

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  6. 01-30-2019, 07:25 PM

  7. #5
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    OP, to be honest, I have very rarely seen a third attempt at a relationship work out well.

    I think you will probably find this is the end of the road for you two.

  8. #6
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    Let me answer some questions that came up:
    - only my name is on the lease of apartment, and we've been living 4yrs together...thats no problem since we or I can move out any time I like
    - as far as commitment and future goes, we are on the same page...but first we must have better relationship in order for other things to work...as I said we are very compatible and look on the life pretty much the same
    - no we never tried counseling
    - first time was about trust issues, she had towards me...I had some minor betting problems which I hide them to her (it wasnt about big money, but still I was hiding it, so I understood her)

    Yes it was selfish from me to not took care of medical problems, especially since our intimate life had to suffer because of it.

    I know I must stop all the contacts, but its hard. I've stopped initiating it, but she mostly contacts me in the morning when on work and we spend cca 30 minutes talking, before I then say I must go now. We always talked a lot, so its hard just to stop. Also last few times we saw each other, and I would say or do something stupid, she responded in a manner, by doing that your just making my choice easier. So I know she's still undecided what to do...but yes I know, she's not here so actions speaks louder than words.

    She's pretty straightforward person, and says what she means.

    I can't just let her go, but also can't be left on a friendship level. I'm afraid to give her an ultimatum, since I'm afraid she'll disappear from my life. Probably she senses that and she's taking her time with an ultimate decision.

  9. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Seems like a waste of time and money to maintain an apt, that neither of you can live in or enjoy or share and both of you staying elsewhere to avoid each other. This is your problem to solve since for some strange reason, she wasn't even on the lease.
    Originally Posted by Coyote
    She lives at home, at her parents. And when she is at the apartment, then I'm at home at my parents.

  10. #8
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    Probably renting an apartment in my country works different than in yours. Its normal for just one person to be on the lease, also if we both would be on, we would have bigger expenses with it, so we saved little money by doing it so. That's not problem at all. But yes currently I'm the one staying in it...she's at home since its little closer to her work. But I always told her and she knows that, that if she wants she can stay here and in the mean time I will go to my parents.

    Btw, except for 2 of our closest friends, nobody knows about our problems and that we're on a hold in the moment.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Her parents and friends must know if she basically moved back home. Your parents aren't aware that you broke up?
    Originally Posted by Coyote
    I'm the one staying in it...she's at home since its little closer to her work. except for 2 of our closest friends, nobody knows about our problems and that we're on a hold in the moment.

  12. #10
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    Her parents probably sense something yes, but they don't know as she never told them yet. She even lied to her mother, saying that we will go together swimming as we normally do on her birthday. She told me that in case her mother calls me.

    My parents also don't know since I never told them yet.

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