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How much time to spend together/apart in a relationship


citrusgreen

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Hi everyone. This isn’t a major problem at present, but I’m looking for some outside perspective. My BF (51, divorced, 2 kids) and I (43) don’t live together, but we live in the same city and spend almost every night together. It’s been like this for about a year. As I’ve mentioned before, he travels somewhat regularly (not as often as he used to; at this point it’s averaging about 5-7 days per month).

 

From the point where he and I started getting serious, about a year and a half ago, I noticed we seemed to naturally have slightly different inclinations in terms of the amount of time we spend together, and how many things we do together.

 

His natural inclination is to spend basically every night together, attend every event together, always socialize together. While I’ve been in serious relationships before, including being engaged, I’ve never never been in a situation with this high of an expectation of togetherness.

 

In many ways it’s really nice, and I’ve come to really appreciate the stability. I’ve gotten used to spending pretty much every night with him. And though my natural tendency is maybe to maintain a bit more distance and independence (maybe it’s because of my attachment style; maybe it’s a subconscious way to protect myself; maybe it’s because I’ve never actually been married), I’m getting more used to doing things in his way, which is to say: though it was a bit out of my comfort zone at first, I find I’m now mostly happy in this rythm.

 

Where I get hung up is, sometimes I just want to go out and have dinner with a girlfriend (or three) without him. Other times, I want to work late and then go to a late exercise class, and chill out by myself before seeing him. I find myself not doing these things because he feels strongly that as a “couple,” we should invite each other to everything we each do, and be available to each other every night at a reasonable hour.

 

There is no hypocrisy in what he asks for. He invites me to everything. He would never go to a party, or a dinner, or a work event, a family gathering, or even dinner with his daughters, without inviting me and making me feel welcome. His feeling is that the natural course of life separates us sometimes anyways (for instance when he travels for work, or has a super early dinner with his daughters), but that we should spend the rest of our time together.

 

When at times I’ve put up a bit of resistance, he expresses annoyance and hurt. I wouldn’t say he’s overtly controlling, but he feels he should be my "priority." He also says, “I don’t want to force you to spend time with me; I want you to want to.”

 

I really value my relationship with him. The reality is, I'm instinctively a little bit resistant, in theory, to the idea of making any man my priority. It scares me! But he for all intents and purposes he is my priority. Maybe our perspectives are different because he's been married.

 

I guess what I’m wondering is: (a) How to interpret our differences. Is he being controlling or is he just fostering a healthy, committed attachment, that I’m less used to? And (b) How to balance his requirements with mine. I find myself avoiding seeing friends without him in order to avoid creating tension, even though sometimes I’d like to. I feel that I can be a better partner when I have more "me" time.

 

One other piece of information, indirectly related to the above: When he’s away (out of town) and I’m out with people -- or when rare circumstances dictate that we’re doing something separate for a night -- I do find him expecting a little bit more communication than I feel comfortable offering. It can almost feel like he’s checking in on me. Whether I’m out at dinner with a girlfriend or more out-out at a party, etc., he gets upset if don’t text him back quickly enough. I sense a little bit of jealousy. Generally what happens is that I’m focused on the person I’m with and I’ll accidentally miss a call or a text and not get back to him right away. He seems a little hypervigilant in these cases; he gets upset; and it stresses me out, because he has zero reason not to trust me. It’s been the cause of a few arguments.

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You just described my last relationship, that ultimately ended.

 

I've done my fair share of dating and much like you I have learned that I have a strong need for individual, alone time.

 

It's been an issue in my past relationships. I have learned to address it straight up in the beginning because I fear getting 6 months in and finding out that our needs are incompatible. It's perfectly fine if someone wants to spend every moment with their partner, but I wouldn't be the one for them.

 

Unfortunately most people are not honest about their need for togetherness because often times it's driven by insecurity.

 

My last bf traveled a lot. He insisted we Skype every night at 8. I learned any deviation from this time would cause conflict. I also soon learned that this Skype date was my leash. It's not easy to have a personal life if you have to be home every night before 8. I would meet up with a friend after work at 6:30 only to have to leave an hour later. It didn't help that he would comment that `women only go out with other women to troll for men' (uhg)

 

I also didn't appreciate the unnecessary drama if I didn't get back to him immediately. All in all it felt offensive because I wasn't accustomed to someone challenging my integrity. He didn't have to come right and say it, but coming unhinged waiting for me to get back to him infers his lack of faith and trust in me. I didn't deserve that.

 

I could on and on, but what I do see is you compromising to fit his needs. That's all well and good because relationships are about compromise. It's also about striking a balance that suits your needs too.

 

This sounds as if this is starting to going sideways and it's breeding resentment. You are avoiding conflict to appease him and are no longer being yourself.

 

This doesn't get better without resolving it. His insecurities are his to deal with, not yours. You better speak up, even if it's difficult.

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I am married and need my space and alone time too. And time with others including long phone calls. Husband is fine with it and does the same. I truly believe a spouse or SO can be top priority without spending all free time together. And I think there are couples who spend all that time together out of habit not because they truly want to. Sure - we tell our partners if we’re not going to be available on a day we typically see each other - that’s just polite - but the response should be reasonable.

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Hi. There seems to be a few things going on here.

 

As far as him wanting to spend every waking moment with you, more or less, that could be attributed to the fact that he was married before, or the fact that he's in his 50's and he doesn't want to miss a moment so to speak -or it could just be in his nature. It's hard to know.

 

I feel what you're saying because I am the same way. I love my husband. But I absolutely have to have alone time or I'll go crazy.

 

Speaking from experience, this must be sorted out now or it will cause more problems down the line. In answer to your questions, a) I do not think he is being controlling necessarily. He sounds like he's being pretty transparent with you, which is great. Now I don't know how his last marriage ended, if he couldn't trust her, etc, but it does seem like he has a little anxiety or at the very least, wanting to know where you are at all times.

 

b) This is exactly it. How to balance and compromise. I feel it's best to be honest and tell him exactly what you told us: you can be a better partner when you have "you" time. He should know by now that you aren't a cheater (history has proven that) and that you are being very upfront when you say this..there aren't any hidden, malicious reasons.

 

So...he wants you to make him a priority. Now I have some background questions for you. Have there been times when it could have appeared to him that you were not being attentive to him, or perhaps seemed to really want to go out with a girlfriend and brush him aside? It would be helpful if you two could have a heart to heart. Ask him if he has felt 'pushed aside' by you in the past and if so, ask him for specifics. Then you can talk about the incident(s) to his satisfaction.

 

Now if you have not unknowingly done this..then perhaps he just really wants to make the most of your time together, which isn't a bad thing really, but everything, everything in life must be in moderation or it won't thrive. Tell him again about how you can be a better partner if you have alone time. Food for thought: By letting him know this, you are directly asking him for something that will greatly benefit your relationship in the long run and if he casts this thought aside, he would be loving you for himself, not loving you for you. Does that make sense? It's stubborn to not listen to the words and requests of the one you love. It doesn't mean he has to bend to your will, but he must be willing to compromise so you both can be happy, not just him. Your love language may not be his love language, and that's ok, as long as you both understand and are willing to put in the effort.

 

The fact that you two have argued about you missing a text or call when you're out worries me. Whatever that wound is, whether it's directly or indirectly because of you or his ex or another factor, that wound has to be cut open and examined.

 

EDIT: OK, I just went through your previous posts. I remember you. Your BF would fly first class and would take you along and sit you in coach. He is also the one who basically said that if he is paying for the trip then you have no right to complain about anything. That last one changes things a bit. Here we see a bit of a controlling nature rearing its ugly head. I mean, you two have been together a pretty long time so obviously you are committed to each other, but I have to ask, does he have other things in his personality that can be regarded as controlling?

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In all honestly, YOU should be your priority. He, a very close second.

 

You take his needs into consideration along with your own. There are times that you swing too far one way, but you should be met with good will and the pendulum swing just as far your way in return. In the end it should be equitable.

 

You sometimes push yourself out of your comfort zone to meet his needs. You can expect him to be uncomfortable once in a while if it means meeting yours and at the same time capable of handling it. (much like you are now)

 

Relationships are not about being a martyr (I know it's a strong word and not meant as an insult)

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Dear LC8328,

Thanks so much for your super thoughtful response. I really like what you have to say and want to be able to respond to it properly, but I'm running out right now and won't have time until tomorrow.

 

I just wanted to clarify one thing quickly in the meantime -- regarding him flying first class and me sitting in coach in the past, while I do still have a few concerns about that, I did want to correct the facts: He NEVER said I didn't have a right to complain. He didn't say that because I never addressed the situation with him; I just flew coach. I now know more about how frequent flier programs work -- and what happened with that trip makes a bit more sense to me (although his decision doesn't thrill me). Other than that trip we've flown together a number of times (not on his usual airline) and we always both sit in coach together. That trip was on his regular business route. Anyway, just wanted to correct that to keep the facts accurate, and to hopefully keep the focus on the issue at hand. Apart from that, the short answer to your question about his controlling tendencies.... Yes. I would say he does have some mildly controlling tendencies. Not just with me, but in life. They generally appear benign, but they do exist, and they've been noted in his non-romantic relationships as well. I will think and explain more soon.

 

Again, thanks!

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I do not think it is healthy not to have a life outside of a partner, in fact, I would go nuts if I did not have time with my friends and interests. Your situation sounds a bit suffocating.

 

He sounds manipulative, insecure and controlling, but you already know this about him. Stop enabling the behaviour.

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Dear LC8328,

Thanks so much for your super thoughtful response. I really like what you have to say and want to be able to respond to it properly, but I'm running out right now and won't have time until tomorrow.

 

I just wanted to clarify one thing quickly in the meantime -- regarding him flying first class and me sitting in coach in the past, while I do still have a few concerns about that, I did want to correct the facts: He NEVER said I didn't have a right to complain. He didn't say that because I never addressed the situation with him; I just flew coach. I now know more about how frequent flier programs work -- and what happened with that trip makes a bit more sense to me (although his decision doesn't thrill me). Other than that trip we've flown together a number of times (not on his usual airline) and we always both sit in coach together. That trip was on his regular business route. Anyway, just wanted to correct that to keep the facts accurate, and to hopefully keep the focus on the issue at hand. Apart from that, the short answer to your question about his controlling tendencies.... Yes. I would say he does have some mildly controlling tendencies. Not just with me, but in life. They generally appear benign, but they do exist, and they've been noted in his non-romantic relationships as well. I will think and explain more soon.

 

Again, thanks!

 

Ok, thanks. I'll wait to hear more from you.

 

In the meantime, if it's true that his controlling issues are not terribly over-the-top, I stand by my original advice on this post which is to talk to him about compromise. Your feelings about wanting alone time are valid and not coming from a malicious place. I hope you are able to speak with him about this and that he is willing to put in the effort to make this work so that you are BOTH happy. Good luck.

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Spending time with girlfriends is a totally different experience when your bf tags along. The conversation is different, of course, and you have to alternate your attention back and forth between each of the important people in your life.

 

What would he say if you said you like your one-on-one together time with a gf without anyone else present? When he starts on his spiel that you should always be together for every activity, you can say that upsets you, and show him articles and/or books that totally negates that opinion.

 

Do your opinions matter? What if you told him you like to have fun with your girlfriend, and that you find it rude to be interrupting your time with her by having to answer a ringing cell phone when there is no emergency.

 

And what if you told him you enjoy at least one alone day per week to recharge and that yes, this alone time is vital for you. Otherwise, you feel irritated.

 

If he's unreasonable and doesn't care about your needs or opinions, why do you want to be with someone who thinks "My way or the highway."

 

Perhaps he will listen to a professional. If you foresee him as a lifetime partner, why not suggest counseling to see if there can be any improvement to his smothering behavior. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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There is no hypocrisy in what he asks for. He invites me to everything. He would never go to a party, or a dinner, or a work event, a family gathering, or even dinner with his daughters, without inviting me and making me feel welcome. His feeling is that the natural course of life separates us sometimes anyways (for instance when he travels for work, or has a super early dinner with his daughters), but that we should spend the rest of our time together.

 

Here is the section that jumped out at me the most. Because, I'm sorry, there is a dash of hypocrisy here. Or at least some very old school male thinking.

 

His feeling, in other words, is that it's okay if the "natural course" of his life separates you two a bit (kids, work trips), but if the natural course of yours (needing alone time, gf time) does the same it is not okay. That would bother me, big time, because it's him putting greater value on this life outside the relationship than he does your own. He gets to prioritize (a) himself and (b) the relationship, while you were supposed to prioritize, well, himself and the relationship.

 

The risk of that is that you—that fierce, unique, mysterious thing that no one but you can possess—can end up feeling a little lost in the shuffle.

 

I'm not saying he's a monster—hardly. He sounds lovely enough, clearly you guys have a nice connection, and I hope this can be worked out. Still, this needs to be addressed. The subtext of your post is that you're beginning to feel a touch "bad" for, well, being you—a woman with an independent streak who likes to kick back with her gfs, decompress alone, whatever.

 

Not cool. All that should not only be respected by a partner, but celebrated, appreciated. You shouldn't need to fight too hard to be seen, nor should you need to hide yourself in order to, well, feel seen.

 

Sorry if I sound a little harsh. I just detect a slightly apologetic tone to your post—so considerate of him and his ways, but at the expense of yourself, of being seen and heard. Which happens in relationships.

 

He sounds, frankly, a touch insecure—that little edge of jealousy and possessiveness. Maybe it was hot, even soothing, in ways, early on. Tarzan-Jane stuff. But don't let it become suffocating. There are other ways to maintain and express love. You've gone outside your comfort zone to accommodate him; it's time that he shows you that he can do the same for you.

 

So I'd have a talk. I'd clearly state that you need more you time—that it's not a verdict on him and what you have, all of which you cherish, but simply about you, who you also cherish. If he can't see and understand that—well, then you have a problem.

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You don't need to be text-tethered or explain yourself when he's in his other location. When he's there do not isolate yourself. Continue your normal social activities. All this is up to you, not him. It's that simple.

 

Simply do this:

sometimes I just want to go out and have dinner with a girlfriend without him. I want to work late and then go to a late exercise class, and chill out by myself before seeing him. he gets upset if don’t text him back quickly enough.
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Just because he invites you to his things doesn’t mean you need to invite you to yours. Did you talk to him about this? What does he think is happening during these girls nights out? Does he just want to be invited to show you want him there or does he actually want to go?

 

The way you described him in past posts, he seems to have quite a busy life and does quite a lot of work and socializing when he is away at work. So you’d think he’d want rest/quiet time for himself when he got back home.

 

Tell him you’ll miss and appreciate him more if you both spend some time apart. Hopefully that will make him think of this from a different perspective.

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citrus, I have been following your threads about this man for literally years.

 

It's been one thing after the other!!

 

Apologies if this sounds harsh, but it's getting a bit ridiculous don't you think?

 

This is not what a healthy balanced functional dynamic/relationship looks like or is.

 

And no he is not "lovely" -- agree with Holly, he's manipulating and controlling in every sense.

 

Not just about this, but about everything. Isn't it obvious? His way or the highway!

 

Stop justifying, shuffling under the rug, walking on eggshells!

 

What will it take for you to realize this?

 

Aren't you exhausted from it all?

 

Edit: And jmo but what's more disturbing about all this, all your threads, is that you don't feel comfortable discussing all these issues with him, your own bf.

 

It alomst seems like you are afraid of him in a sense. Afraid of how he might respond. That he might get angry and leave you.

 

This is not healthy citrus, I hope someday you will realize this.

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To add, in thinking about this and all your threads, your relationship sounds a bit like dom/sub.

 

No judgment from me if it is, problem is you are not happy or comfortable with this dynamic.

 

You're adapting and tolerating but NOT happy.

 

And again, you're too fearful to even discuss this with him. Afraid to "rock the boat."

 

I mean sticking you in coach, while he enjoys the comforts of first class? The topic of one of your previous threads.

 

I know you've justified/accepted and moved past this, but then it's something else.

 

I don't really know how to advise you anymore, cause even if we advise you about this, it's only a matter of time before something else pops up, cause the bottom line is you have a very unhealthy and unbalanced dynamic.

 

I'm sorry and best of luck.

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Okay, so I just took a little trip through your past posts, per Katrina's comments above.

 

Citrus? I have to say I fear this relationship has got you twisted into a shape that is really far from your authentic self. If there's a theme it's that you regularly feel on edge and minimized—while going to great lengths, even here, to minimize those very feelings.

 

You begin this post with "This isn't a major problem at present..." Another with "This isn't a crisis or anything..." It's a bit like you're on eggshells with us, which I suspect are an extension of the eggshells you're walking with him—appeasing, keeping the boat from rocking, and so on.

 

BF is dynamic and interesting and rich, I get it. Very appealing. Wouldn't mind some of that myself in a gf! But not if the price of admission is feeling reduced to a shape slightly smaller than my true self.

 

You write about yourself, and your interior world, with moxie. You self-identify as independent, suspect of being too reliant on a man, on making a man the nucleus around which you orbit—which is, to these male ears, some hot stuff. But does he see this in you? Does he celebrate it?

 

Katrina's sub/dom comparison is interesting. Rather than focus on this issue (together/apart time) I would take a moment to look at this dynamic a bit more deeply. Could be that what you're discovering is that you like a bit of dominance, and the rub here, in these posts, is that you're kind of adapting to discovering this new side of yourself. But it could also be, like Katrina said, that you don't much like it, but are kind of going along with it.

 

Regardless, patterns are patterns, and I think it's worth seeing these issues as part of a larger quilt as opposed to a few individual threads.

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Wait, did he actually tell you that he should be invited to every social event and girls night you go to? Or is this what you're inferring due to the fact it's what he does? Two very different things, but if the former, that's incredibly concerning.

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To add, in thinking about this and all your threads, your relationship sounds a bit like dom/sub.

 

No judgment from me if it is, problem is you are not happy or comfortable with this dynamic.

 

You're adapting and tolerating but NOT happy.

 

And again, you're too fearful to even discuss this with him. Afraid to "rock the boat."

 

I mean sticking you in coach, while he enjoys the comforts of first class? The topic of one of your previous threads.

 

I know you've justified/accepted and moved past this, but then it's something else.

 

I don't really know how to advise you anymore, cause even if we advise you about this, it's only a matter of time before something else pops up, cause the bottom line is you have a very unhealthy and unbalanced dynamic.

 

I'm sorry and best of luck.

 

The "first-class" {seat} problem too is the one that stuck with me as well, I think because I was so insulted for you, and it was something that I would not have tolerated. Maybe he has a hard time trusting you to be off on your own because of his past indiscretion with that one woman? Sometimes people that cheat have a hard time trusting others or go back and accuse others of cheating. (Not that I’m saying he is going to accuse you, I’m just saying that that could contribute to his trust/insecurity factor.)

 

Katrina, what is dom/sub? (I’m bad with acronyms/nicknames!)

 

But yes, overall, you’ve seem to be walking on eggshells around this guy. For example, this situation, the fight sounds like it was started by him because he’s the one whose upset that you’re not inviting him. What are you afraid of?

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OP, bluecastle has nailed it. Where is your voice?

 

I know couples in which he is, say, a multicontinental business leader and she is the manager of family, household, and schedules. She sees friends during the week and leaves her weekends for activities that are designed for him or at least include him. Both of their calendars are full, and somewhat inflexible, but no matter what, she maximizes her ability to support his schedule. The difference? She has an equal and prominent voice in their marriage. He ensures she has whatever she requires. He supports her interests and desires as valuable simply because they are hers.

 

In your situation, it is as if you are an extension of him, as opposed to an expression of yourself. Even though his world affords him a certain amount of privilege and power, does that make him worth more than you? And if so, why would he want to be with someone lesser than himself?

 

Express yourself, in a way that simply and happily asserts your interest. "I am going to my exercise class, and then to coffee with two of my classmates. I will see you in four hours. Can't wait to see you then. Bye!" Don't give him the option to be your manager; you don't need one.

 

Back on that airplane, maybe its even, "I m happy to sit wherever, it will be a great trip." Stop valuing yourself using his materialistic measuring stick. You are worth more than that, and so is he. Whether he knows it or not.

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You are twisting yourself into a pretzel to be with this man, but deep down you know this is all wrong. Yes, he is controlling and manipulative. The whole point of manipulative is that it's insidious and hard to grasp. You can't be manipulated if you see right through it, can you? Seems like your inner voice is screaming at you and ringing alarm bells full blast, but you are trying to silence that voice and deny reality. For what? Is his wealth and status worth losing yourself over and walking on eggshells? Only you can decide on the right answer for that.

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