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Thread: 9 year relationship over

  1. #1
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    9 year relationship over

    Ok guys so me and my ex were together for 9 years. We almost made it to 10. Over the 9 years we did have are ups and down she would have a really nasty attitude and that would bring out my verbal abusivness. It went on for awhile until she broke up with me in April of last year. We took about a month off and in that time I was able to reflect on myself and improve in what I needed to do if i wanted this to work and then she says she wants to try again.So we do and it only last a month and she says she feels pressured to feel something she isnít feeling and doesnít want to play house. So I said screw this Iím just done.

    We have a 2 year old together as well and I started taking him to my house to spend time with me and that lasted for a week and she then invited me over for dinner and told me she wants to try this again. So we tried again and it lasted 7 months which was all the way to the last 2 weeks of December. Over these 7 months I was absolutely amazing to this woman. She even told me I was more supportive I was more loving and all of my abusive tendencies were gone I literally gave her everything I had. What ended it this time was she told me she needed to work on herself but I ended up finding out she had cheated on me with some other guy on discord which is an app where people talk about video games. I was devastated because all of walls were down I put in the work to show her and she said she had seen how hard I worked. She told me she was sorry and she wished she had never did that to me but if she could do that to me she knew she couldnít be with me anymore so she broke up with me a week before Christmas. I left her alone for about 5 days and I talked to her and said I could forgive the cheating and we can try to figure this out. I told her I can continue to give her her space so that she can figure if she wants me or not and I was ready to leave but she looks at me and says she wants me.

    So we ended up getting back together for 5 days and we broke up again on Jan 4. Over just the 5 days she was super loving telling me we would get through this and she wasnít going anywhere and that we are soulmates and we would get married. Then 5 days later came and we broke up she was upset that I read the messages to the guy she was talking to instead of leaving it alone. But i was just cheated on so of course I wanted to know the full story. When she broke up with me this time she is telling me she doesnít know what she wants in life but she knows she doesnít want this relationship. What she is saying now is she doesnít have feelings for me anymore after almost 10 years of being together. She said she still loves me but doesnít she want to be with me and there is no feelings there. She said each time we got back to there she felt pressured to get back with me even though the most recent one I told her to take her time. Iím just so lost like after 9 years and a child together she no longer has feelings for me and itís killing me. How do you lose feelings for someone you were with for almost a decade. Weíre 28 by the way. Something that she was doing so much lately was playing the video game literally her addiction to that has gotten so bad and when sheís not doing that sheís watching people play video games on something called mixer. Even since the 4th itís been about 25 days and since she goes to work comes home and plays the video game the whole night and watches mixer. On her days off itís the same routine she doesnít even leave the house. I know this because she lives down the street from me and I pick up my son from her. Just last Monday she actually wanted me to sit down and I should have said no because I was trying to do NC but I wanted to hear what she had to say.

    She tells me she is so depressed and has no idea what to do with her life and she starts apologizing again about everything that she had done to me. She starts saying she has no idea what makes her happy anymore and even at one point our own son wasnít making her happy just until recently he has. So basically spilling all of how she has been feeling to me while crying and I ask her why is she telling me this? She says because she thought we could be friends and I told her I donít want to be friends itís to hard and she says Iím the one that knows her the best and she feels safe around me to talk about her problems. The reason she had this breakdown is because she stopped playing the video game and watching people play video games and actually thought about things for the first time. She tells me she reached out because itís been about a month and we havenít talked when in reality it had only been 18 days and so I end up going back to where Iím staying with my son and 3 hours later I ask her is she still actually thinking about her life and she says she did for about an hour and went right back to playing the game. So I said if youíre not even going to try to fix yourself then Theres no point in my helping watch our son while you do nothing. She then asks for us to come over to just hang out with him over there and i agree because she had such a rough day and I felt bad. So Iím over there for 2 hours and the whole time I just ignore her and pay attention to my son. She eventually ends up falling asleep on the couch and I tell her to just go to her room to sleep and she says shes fine and it feels good to not be alone. Something else to note is she always says she has no one but me and no one else really cares about her. We live around all of my family and she doesnít really have any friends except all these people she plays video games with online but she tells me there not real people. So I tell her I can be friends with her but Iíve still been doing the same thing which is going over to pickup my son and then leaving right away without any talking.

    I donít want to be the one to make this work because I truly did nothing this time to deserve this and she acknowledged that as well and has said it was nothing I was doing over the 7 months itís just she doesnít have feelings for me anymore. So after that Monday I went over on Tuesday and I told her I donít think itís a good idea if weíre friends and I canít be part of your support system and she starts crying and saying itís ok and that she understands. The reason I said this is because she still keeps in contact with the dude she was talking to behind me back so I tell her why doesnít she go to him and tell
    him all of her problems and thatís when she says because she doesnít trust him and heís just her friend. Which doesnít make sense because sheís trying to make me her friend as well. I then tell her I know she is talking to all kinds of guys now that weíre not together and she says she isnít and is really trying to work on herself then starts questioning me saying Iím sure youíre talking to girls now to and I just say no. She then is crying from everything that had just went on and said she canít handle anymore stress right now and wants me to leave not for good but just for right now. So I did and took my son to hang out. Since that last time of actual talking Iíve been very distant and I was before last Monday.

    The very next day after the whole Tuesday thing she texted me first for once because she hadnít did that at al since weíve been broken up. She just said hey and I figured she wants something from me. So I said whatís up she then takes about and hour and half to write me back and then says sorry got busy and thatís shes just checking in with me. All I said to that was I figured you were busy and tried to end the convo. She then writes me later saying she really just wanted to say hi and make sure of the plan with our son for the night. The thing about our son is weíve had the plan for awhile she told me I get him at 6:15 every night because she didnít want to keep having that convo with me so for her to ask what the plan was just didnít make sense. Maybe because I hung out 2 hours over there on Monday so she thought that it would be different idk.

    Iím just confused guys like I love her and want her back more than anything but I guess she told my mom whoís out here visiting this week the same thing that she doesnít have those feelings for me anymore and she wants me to be happy and that i deserve someone who is just in love with me as I am with them. I donít feel like I have a chance and since all she does is play video games every single day after work she will never think about anything. She did get into counseling for the first time and she has her first session this past Friday so I hope that really helps her.

    Here as some of the texts since last Wednesday when I told her I didnít really want to be friends and she told me to leave. Sheís putting smiley faces and lol and trying to be nice and I donít get why like whatís the point?


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  2. #2
    Bronze Member Viceroy's Avatar
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    WOW! Sorry for the whole thing, you definitely got burned as its clear you put in a lot of work here. The whole relationship dynamic is just really awful and I would even say broken because its not healthy to be on and off with someone so frequently.

    On the other hand, you can't really cut someone else out when you have a 2 year old kid, maybe you ought to move on and focus on building a relationship purely out of interest for your kid?

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    Originally Posted by Viceroy
    WOW! Sorry for the whole thing, you definitely got burned as its clear you put in a lot of work here. The whole relationship dynamic is just really awful and I would even say broken because its not healthy to be on and off with someone so frequently.

    On the other hand, you can't really cut someone else out when you have a 2 year old kid, maybe you ought to move on and focus on building a relationship purely out of interest for your kid?
    Is there no way to build back the relationship we once had? I feel like maybe NC might work because she literally has no one here and she never goes out because all she does is play the video game non stop when she gets home from work. I do have a relationship with my son and we already have things in place so we barley have to talk.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by calikid32190
    Is there no way to build back the relationship we once had? I feel like maybe NC might work because she literally has no one here and she never goes out because all she does is play the video game non stop when she gets home from work..
    You hope she's lonely and vulnerable enough to take you back?
    Do you think that's a good thing?

    You admit that you've been abusive and even stated she would have a really nasty attitude and that would bring out my verbal abusiveness. Do you know that deflecting blame is a typical abuse tactic? No one can make you be verbally abusive, you chose to. Or it's your default go to.
    I realize you think you've changed, but the deflection of blame shows otherwise.

    Look, I get the two of you are locked into this unhealthy dynamic. It takes two. Her finding attention on video chat is just a symptom of the problems between you.

    Treating her like a princess isn't always about real genuine change.

    I only say this because there is a child involved, but have you two considered couples counseling?

    Lastly, stop keeping tabs on her activities.

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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    You hope she's lonely and vulnerable enough to take you back?
    Do you think that's a good thing?

    You admit that you've been abusive and even stated she would have a really nasty attitude and that would bring out my verbal abusiveness. Do you know that deflecting blame is a typical abuse tactic? No one can make you be verbally abusive, you chose to. Or it's your default go to.
    I realize you think you've changed, but the deflection of blame shows otherwise.

    Look, I get the two of you are locked into this unhealthy dynamic. It takes two. Her finding attention on video chat is just a symptom of the problems between you.

    Treating her like a princess isn't always about real genuine change.

    I only say this because there is a child involved, but have you two considered couples counseling?

    Lastly, stop keeping tabs on her activities.
    When I came back into the relationship I did change I wasnít verbally abusive and I did own up to my mistakes and she admitted to it that I had become the perfect man and I was so much better yet in those 7 months she just couldnít accept that she acknowledged it. I also donít keep tabs on her friends tell me thatís all she does is play video games all day I donít even ask them. Also Iím there for my kid and thatís all. There doesnít really need to be a relationship with her we already have set times and everything with him so there doesnít need to be communication between us. Also I didnít say I hope sheís lonely sheís told me those things that she feels alone and that she feels she has nobody. Also she refuses to do couples counseling because Iíve offered that as well. She just barely got into counseling for herself. To be told that it was nothing that I did and that I was amazing but she still didnít want to be with me because she has lost feelings somehow doesnít make sense to me. She told me about half way through the 7 months she just wasnít feeling anything but I donít nesacarrily think it had anything to do with the relationship because she still is barley feeling things and weíre not even together anymore. I feel mostly used that she even wanted to be back with me for the 7 months when I was at my best. She stayed with me at my worst and I turned it around and she got my best and all of a sudden she doesnít have feelings. She still says things like she doesnít know what she wants in life so I just think she needs the counseling and maybe after that we can try but who knows.
    Last edited by calikid32190; 01-29-2019 at 09:22 PM.

  7. #6
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    You said she doesn't have any friends, so who are these friends who are telling you stories about her?

    You two cling together because you haven't tried to interact with anyone else. Loneliness is being mistaken for love.

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You said she doesn't have any friends, so who are these friends who are telling you stories about her?

    You two cling together because you haven't tried to interact with anyone else. Loneliness is being mistaken for love.
    There my friends not her friends and the only people she talks to are 2 of the girls we work with since we work at the same place as well but she doesnít consider these girls as friends but she tells them things. Well Iím trying to do NC only talking strictly about our kid and every now and then she will have a breakdown like last Monday where she wanted me to sit and hear what sheís been going through but not caring about the relationship right now saying she canít talk about it and that she needs to get right first but has no problem trying to cry and tell me all of the feelings that have been going on. She was the one who mentioned we havenít really talked in a month when in reality it had only been 18 days. Ever since Monday she has tried to be friendly with me as you can see with the texts I posted but Iíve been as short as possible with my answers so she knows to not talk to me. Sheís the one who left me after the changes I had went through to make the relationship work and better myself.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think you've exhausted every option there is. You've tried to change, you've taken time apart, you've suggested counselling, given her space,...nothing has worked.

    It sounds like she keeps pulling you back in when she is lonely and you keep running back thinking she might love you again. Then she does the same thing, doesn't want you.

    It sounds torturous.

    I think the only thing you can do now, is to talk with her if it's about your son and leave it at that. You've tried everything there is to try and none of it has worked.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. All you can do is focus on the best co-parenting you can. Make sure you have a formalized custody/visitation and child support order in effect.
    Originally Posted by calikid32190
    My gf of 10 years decided to break up with me last month because of me I was verbally abusive and wasnít open with my feelings. we have been splitting time with are son at separate houses because what was happening before is I was at her house all the time when I was spending time with him and she was right there as well and just 2 days of this so far now that Iíve taken him to my house.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I think you've exhausted every option there is. You've tried to change, you've taken time apart, you've suggested counselling, given her space,...nothing has worked.

    It sounds like she keeps pulling you back in when she is lonely and you keep running back thinking she might love you again. Then she does the same thing, doesn't want you.

    It sounds torturous.

    I think the only thing you can do now, is to talk with her if it's about your son and leave it at that. You've tried everything there is to try and none of it has worked.
    Weíve really never taken a ton of time apart at most it was 1 month never anything longer than that so I donít know if things will change or not. It seems every time I start to do good and get my life going she wants to try to pull me back in. Weíre about to hit the 1 month of not being together. She does have depression and anxiety and I know those things get to her as well so idk if things will change after she goes through counseling and maybe we can work things out. Sheís told me itís nothing I did and she just doesnít have feelings for me as far as a relationship goes but I feel like she still doesnít know what she wants when she tries to get me to hear all of her feelings or be supportive of her. She even says now she doesnít know how to be happy and not sure what she wants so if she ever figures it out I donít know if things will be different. She doesnít really ever think about anything because she literally plays the video games all day everyday after work until bedtime. That was starting to become a serious addiction before we broke up and now thatís all sheís doing. It could be to mask everything that is going on since sheís told me before when she plays the video game she it keeps her mind busy and thatís why she didnít like to just watch tv

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