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Thread: 9 year relationship over

  1. #11
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    What Iím really confused about all of this is how fast she wanted to try to say we can be friends. At first she told me she didnít want to be friends and that could change at a later time and that literally only took a week and then she had her breakdown and said she thought we could be friends. She also was telling me when she broke up with me that she doesnít know what the future holds if we get back together or not. That really pisses me off because most people know what they want in there life or for there future. Itís like a way to keep me guessing but Iíve kind of ignored that and have been getting better everyday. Since her breakdown on MLK day Iíve went back to no contact unless it pertains to our kid. Sometimes I donít respond right away because Iím busy or doing something and she gets upset telling me communication David. Itís like she wants me to respond when she wants me to respond. My mom has been out here for the week and just went back home today and was actually bringing me my son so I could keep away from that house and distance myself even more. Yesteday was the first time I had to go back over and start getting him for myself. She usually talks to me about him and she was telling me about his hat and she called me babe then quickly said David which is my name. I think she was looking for a reaction because sheís talked to me multiple times about my son when I go over and has never called me babe. Probably because it was the first time I showed my face back over there and she hasnít known what Iíve been doing. I heard her say it but didnít even react and paid attention to my son. Thatís basically what I do every time I pick him. Itís super fast maybe 30 seconds or less I get him and we get out.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't allow your child to be collateral damage in your war with her. Set up appropriate communication and co-parenting. Be cooperative ("friendly") and communicate promptly if it's about your child rather than play passive-aggressive games.

    You are not hurting her with your antics, you are hurting yourself and sadly, most of all - your child. Set up appropriate visitation/custody and child support, including a neutral place to facilitate visitation if needed.. Don't screw over your child to get to your ex. Most horrible mistake angry partners can make. Get some counselling to deal with the anger and learn good co-parenting skills.
    Originally Posted by calikid32190
    Iím really confused about all of this is how fast she wanted to try to say we can be friends.

    Itís like she wants me to respond when she wants me to respond. Yesteday was the first time I had to go back over and start getting him for myself. She usually talks to me about him. Thatís basically what I do every time I pick him. Itís super fast maybe 30 seconds or less I get him and we get out.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Don't allow your child to be collateral damage in your war with her. Set up appropriate communication and co-parenting. Be cooperative ("friendly") and communicate promptly if it's about your child rather than play passive-aggressive games.

    You are not hurting her with your antics, you are hurting yourself and sadly, most of all - your child. Set up appropriate visitation/custody and child support, including a neutral place to facilitate visitation if needed.. Don't screw over your child to get to your ex. Most horrible mistake angry partners can make. Get some counselling to deal with the anger and learn good co-parenting skills.
    We have stuff in place already we split time with him evenly everyday. I get him at 6:15 until 7:30 and they get home at 5:30. We split the daycare costs as well. She normally doesnít even keep him the full time and looks for me to get him earlier sometimes so she can play her video game itís sad. Iím doing well with the parenting aspect because we have stuff in place already but she will still send the message of what the plan is even though she was the one who said she didnít want to have the conversation everyday and just to get him at 6:15 but then will send messages about what the plan is. All Iím doing is stuff for my son and trying to ignore her as much as possible because I did nothing to this time to deserve what happened to me. Iím always the one to reach out and try to fix things or make things better or be supportive of her and show I care after we break up but this time I havenít. Only time she got me was last Monday when she had her breakdown and felt like she needed to tell me all of her feelings because she trusts me and is most comfortable with me and wants me to be her friend and part of her support system. She kept apologizing saying she wish this never happened and how confused with life she is. We lived together for the 9 years and are both 28 we were together as well so we have a lot of history. We live in an extremely small town of 18000 people and she hasnít made any real friends besides the people she plays video games with all the time of the people she watches play video games. When I told her I didnít want to be friends and said she has all those people she plays video games with or watches play video games she says they arenít real people which is what I had been trying to tell her but she didnít care before. Itís like I have no idea what to do. I want to be back with her and I feel she needs help with the video game stuff but when I tried to tell her about it she would just ignore me. It has literally taken over her life like an addiction. Maybe thatís her way of just not having to deal with anything because I know people distract themselves a lot when they donít want to deal with there situation and she has always been one of those people.

  4. #14
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    You can agree to "be her friend and support system" until she "meets" some other guy online via the video game chat. Then it will be so long, calikid!

    I'm pretty sure you're going to say "but that would NEVER happen!"

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    use paragraphs, please

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You can agree to "be her friend and support system" until she "meets" some other guy online via the video game chat. Then it will be so long, calikid!

    I'm pretty sure you're going to say "but that would NEVER happen!"
    Thatís why Iím not doing that bolt. I told her I would but havenít done anything to make that friendship happen at all and I think she got the hint because she texted me trying to say something like hey or offer me rides and I say no or am very short with her with my answers to any of her questions.

    She now is leaving me alone unless it pretains to our son. She has her counseling sheís going to now so I donít feel like being her support system or friend. Sheís told me before she doesnít know what she would do if I wasnít part of her life at al in any capacity and now sheís finding that out.

    Iím only there for my son. Since her whole breakdown on the 21st where I feel like I got suckered in and havenít tried to make any contact so itís only been 10 days now. The longest weíve ever been broken up for is a month. This breakup stuff has only happened since April of last year where weíve broken up multiple times.

    Thatís also why I told her to talk to her video games ďfriendsĒ and she tells me there not real like actually there and she feels comfortable with me and trust me. Well then why did you let me go?

    I feel she really is confused with her life right now but I feel like there is nothing I can do to help her and she has to do it on her own.

  8. #17
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    Yes, I agree.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Yes, I agree.
    I love this woman with everything I have so itís hard but I was supportive and loving when we did get back together for the 7 months and gave it everything I had to end up getting hurt in the end. She knows Iíve made changes and she said I became the man she knew I could always be. Itís like I want to help her but she has to do it on her own. Iíve literally been there for her through everything she had went through in the last 9 years when at times no one else was. Even her and her mom had problems and of course it was me that was there.

    When we spoke on the 21st she was still giving me the same stuff that she doesnít know what she wants in life or how to be happy and that sheís confused yet will tell me she doesnít want to be with me because she doesnít have any feelings for me as far as a relationship goes. She wants me to be happy and find someone I deserve that loves as much as I do. Not caring that what I think I deserve is her.

    Iíve never left her when things got hard ever because I get relationships go through things and you have to be willing to grow and get better. I know she was so emotionally drained over the 7 months because she very much likes to help everyone she possibly can and Iíve tried to tell her to not always do that. Focus on just are family and stop trying to helping everyone else out who wouldnít do the same for you.

    Right now Iím back to NC we have something in place for our son where we split time with him everyday evenly. We have the times set as well. We still have to see each other for at least a minute when I pick up my son.

    2 days ago she told me she wanted to sit down with me and talk about something with our sons daycare. I told her to just text me it because I donít want to be in the same room as her. I didnít tell her I donít want to be in the same room as her though. She then responds with she will text me when she has the brain to make it make sense and hasnít texted me about the situation since. Which I feel like she just wanted to get me in the house because she could easily text me the situation.

  10. #19
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    Something else to note is that she does suffer from anxiety and depression but refuses to take medication because she doesnít want to get addicted to it. She has started counseling last Friday.

    She told me when she had her breakdown on the 21st that her depression was at its worst. After we broke up on January 4th I tried to figure out why she says she doesnít have feelings for me anymore and other questions to try to understand her and she would tell me she doesnít know or that she doesnít want to talk about it which sucks because how am I supposed to know what went wrong when she says she doesnít know or canít have that conversation with me. To say that sheís till confused and doesnít know what she wants in life after and when I ask her what she wants she says she doesnít know but if I say if we will ever get back together she says right now she doesnít that much sheís knows but doesnít know what the future holds.

    That doesnít make much sense if sheís saying she has no feelings for me. I feel truly like maybe she does have to work on herself. This relationship started when we were 18. We were doing LDR for a year and I had her move out to Cali with me. We left Cali after 2 years then moved to Colorado and were there for 4 years and we moved again to Missouri and weíve been here for 3years. Sheís had a lot of problems in her younger life that she has told me about such as her uncle sexually assaulting her and that her stepdad was physically abusive and would beat her. When we were in our LDR she was staying with her uncle because her and her mom werenít getting along.

    She had to take care of her uncle not the one who sexually assaulted her because he was unstable at times and would do crazy things. One time we were on the phone and her uncle tried to commit sucide and I just stuck on the phone to try to support her. She told me that this uncle was like a father to her and a few years down the line she found out he died and she was extremely devastated because she hoped he would walk her down the aisle and I was as supportive as I could be in that situation.

    She has truly gone through a lot where I havenít had many bad situations happen in my life. Iím very much a huge lover and I like to show affection by cuddling or pda and sheís the opposite and she lets me do it because thatís the way I love but she told me she has issue with that type of love because of the sexual assault stuff.

    Overall with her being in counseling and actually taking the time to try to figure herself out maybe she will realize that I did exactly what I said I was going to do and be a better man and proved it. Sheís really never taken the time for herself and has said things like she doesnít know who she is if she isnít my gf or mom to our son. Iíll never know if sheís just confused or really doesnít have any feelings for me itís hard to tell with her mental state.

    Something else to note is when we did break up this final time she acted very mean towards me like if to push me away because she knows that I normally try to figure things out and come back to her. With the way things ended this time It should have been me who was the one who was upset after everything she did. I donít know if the things she was saying was just to push me as far away as she could because she even went as far as to say I was the cause of her anxiety and depression. That was before she talked about her emotions on the 21st where she said she was till depressed and it was worse and we werenít even together. She had also told me when we were together that I was the one who always calmed her anxiety then wanted to flip that around after she broke up with me.

    Itís really hard to figure her out right now with her mental state which sucks because I want to be there but not as a friend.

  11. #20
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    So the thing she loves to do to me is today when I went over there it was business like usual get my son and leave not even acknowledge her and she tells me you donít even say hi to me anymore whatís my problem and I say nothing and she says you obviously have a problem when in reality Iím trying to do NC with her and she thinks thatís me being mean or that I have a problem with her.

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