Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I've been dating this amazing woman for about two months. We clicked instantly, in a way neither of us had with someone in a long, long time. It's been incredibly fun. So easy. Everything you want it to be. We met doing a gig together in Mississippi, but she lives in Boston and I live outside of DC. That part's not a biggie - we're both performers and we're used to the distance thing, and it's literally a cheap hour long plane ride.

Which brings me to this past weekend. It was my first visit to see her. We got an airbnb and had an AWESOME weekend together. Not weird, just the same easy, fun everything. Playing house a little bit, cooking for each other, movies, etc. Great.

Then I bring up setting up our next time together annnnnd she goes "uhhh yeeeahhhh - I haven't figured out that thing I was supposed to figure out"

Basically, a few days before I met her she'd gotten together with an ex in NYC who'd broken up with her five years ago. They did the whole "if we're single in five years let's see what happens" thing back then. He was engaged but that ended in November. They met up shortly after and nothing was committed to, nothing planned, nothing really happened other than joking about what they'd said five years prior. Three days later she meets me, and she's so into it she doesn't pursue things with her ex. She told me about it, and that she had to "figure that out", but she hasn't even talked to him in over a month, he hasn't reached out to her, there's nothing planned for her to go see him. Literally there's nothing there. But she's still hung up on it and said that even though she's right on the edge of the cliff in terms of diving into this with me 100%, she's worried that she'll always wonder about whether or not she should've tried to make something happen with her ex.

To me this feels like a fear of intimacy/commitment defense mechanism thing. She isn't pursuing him because she doesn't want to lose either of us and she IS pursuing me because she doesn't want to lose me, but having that thing looming in her mind gives her an exit strategy to avoid getting hurt. She told her friend that she wishes she'd never gone to NYC to see him. She's told me she's never been as comfortable with someone as she is with me. She's shared things she hasn't shared, done things she's never done/been comfortable with before, etc. So there's a lot of great here. It's like her words say she's unsure but all her actions say the exact opposite (not even talking to him while we've been together, even though we're not official).

SO - end of the day, I feel like if I cut and run because I shouldn't be someone's backup plan that just reinforces her commitment/trust issues, but if I stay and give her time to work through it and be there for her, etc, etc, then I'm letting her have it both ways. Neither of those answers seem right.

Thoughts? Thanks so much in advance.

Confusing. However trust your gut. If she's on the fence about her ex that means she's on the fence about you as well. You could have fun, you could get hurt.

I've been dating this amazing woman for about two months. she's worried that she'll always wonder about whether or not she should've tried to make something happen with her ex.

 

I feel like if I cut and run because I shouldn't be someone's backup plan that just reinforces her commitment/trust issues, but if I stay and give her time to work through it and be there for her, etc, etc, then I'm letting her have it both ways.

I feel like if I cut and run because I shouldn't be someone's backup plan that just reinforces her commitment/trust issues

What?! How does she become the victim? She is using you for a backup plan, you're basically second choice right now and she is hemming and hawing between seeing if the ex still wants her.

You're the poor schlub who is sitting there waiting to see if you'll be picked. No one should ever be in that position, you seriously need to get some self respect!

Tell her you're not going to be second best and to not get a hold of you till she knows where her head is at.

Mind you, if she does get a hold of you, I'll bet it's due to the ex not wanting her.

Why would you do this to yourself? I'd never let anyone treat me like that. I'd be saying goodbye and not looking back.

Hi I’m sorry but I’m going to be blunt: End things with her.

It’s not fair to you her keeping you on the back burner. You should never have to try to be the runner up in a relationship. You deserve better then the heartache this will end up causing.

had an AWESOME weekend together

How awesome was it if she's not sure about you and keeps hoping the ex will take her back?

Whoa....sloooow down. Two months and long distance, even without long distance, amounts to just a handful of dates at best. Sure, the chemistry is obviously there, but you are both just in the very very early stages of getting to know each other. You are projecting way too much in terms of your own personal hopes, ideas about who she is, and also excuses for why she isn't moving along with you at 1000 mph. In reality she is pumping the brakes a bit as she well should.

You two just spent a long intimate weekend together. There is a lot to digest there. Stop implying that she has some kind of commitment issues and try to not push/fast track this too much. I know when you feel like you met the right person it can be so exciting, but I think you need to chill out...a lot... and also maybe think more about what incompatibilities might be lurking that you aren't paying attention to at the moment. Breathe....just breathe.....

Y'all that's the thing there's literally no communication between her and the ex. She *stopped* pursuing it because of me. She *has* picked me over the last two months I've known her. She's just nervous about committing. She was excited about this weekend because she wanted to see if our thing was just a "show bubble" (doing shows with people is like this little desert island thing that almost never translates to the real world) or if it really had legs. And she was really excited that everything has held up so far.

I hear what you're all saying. That was my immediate instinct, too. Appreciate the feedback. If there were actual interaction happening between her and him, and if I thought there was anything more to it, I'd be out no questions asked. But the fact that she *hasn't* pursued it because of me is the reason I'm hesitating.

Then I bring up setting up our next time together annnnnd she goes "uhhh yeeeahhhh - I haven't figured out that thing I was supposed to figure out"

 

Basically, a few days before I met her she'd gotten together with an ex in NYC who'd broken up with her five years ago. They did the whole "if we're single in five years let's see what happens" thing back then.

Jesus, my man. Go through the couch cushions and scrounge up just an ounce of self-respect. Unless she flat out wanted you to be the one to take a bow, the fact she even threw this your way rather than offering some common courtesy fluff excuse to slow things down is simply amazing.

Don't be the guy hanging out in the wings. Even if she does end up choosing you, she'll only ever respect you as much as you respected yourself tolerating that position.

Whoa....sloooow down. Two months and long distance, even without long distance, amounts to just a handful of dates at best. Sure, the chemistry is obviously there, but you are both just in the very very early stages of getting to know each other. You are projecting way too much in terms of your own personal hopes, ideas about who she is, and also excuses for why she isn't moving along with you at 1000 mph. In reality she is pumping the brakes a bit as she well should.

 

You two just spent a long intimate weekend together. There is a lot to digest there. Stop implying that she has some kind of commitment issues and try to not push/fast track this too much. I know when you feel like you met the right person it can be so exciting, but I think you need to chill out...a lot... and also maybe think more about what incompatibilities might be lurking that you aren't paying attention to at the moment. Breathe....just breathe.....

Haha so it's more than a handful of dates because we spent the first month together pretty much 24/7 because of the show we were both in. Show life tends to speed things up since it's not a typical "see you once or twice a week" kind of thing. You get more intimate and close much more quickly.

BUT I do think you're right. I have a tendency to dive in pretty quickly, and I think pumping the breaks is definitely in order.

Haha so it's more than a handful of dates because we spent the first month together pretty much 24/7 because of the show we were both in. Show life tends to speed things up since it's not a typical "see you once or twice a week" kind of thing. You get more intimate and close much more quickly.

 

BUT I do think you're right. I have a tendency to dive in pretty quickly, and I think pumping the breaks is definitely in order.

That actually makes it worse, not better. It's actually kind of suffocating to spend that much time together so fast, so soon. So then you have the swing back to the other direction - people need to take a big step back and breathe and get their bearings and sort out a whole lot of information about you, about the relationship, compatibility, what they want, etc, etc, etc.

It's ye olde what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast. Once reality starts settling in, you suddenly start to notice how much you don't like the way they laugh or fold thier clothes, and so on. It may seem frivolous, but early on, you'd be surprised what breaks relationships. Better slow this down and let both of you breathe, think, get your bearings.

I'm going to go against the crowd here and suggest that you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet and be a little patient and back off a bit. Basically, sit back a bit and see if she comes around. Either she will or not. Meanwhile, don't push or pursue and do not assume she is damaged if she chooses not to pursue. It just means you weren't as much of a match as you thought. Moving so fast creates this illusion of intimacy and as if you've known each other for years.....but you really haven't and it's really just been 2 months. Try to keep at least one foot on the ground.

OP My experience might help you. Before I describe it, I will say this: Its early yet. Rather than commit to a relationship, reframe the commitment to respect each person's need/desire to do what feels right for him or herself.

Then let time unfold. Your commitment to each other will grow naturally (or not).

My story: I am with a good match. When we met we were both distracted by others whom we didn't want as long term partners but who also engaged us enough to get our attention. We each had developed habits and emotions with these people, and we took time to change. We did it gradually, we respected the connections we had built with others; we talked to each other about it. It wasn't a typical approach but it worked for us because it was authentic to our emotions and thoughts.

If she feels she may have lingering doubts, let her know you understand and support her need to sort that out. Does she want to see him? Does she want to go out with him? If she is unclear, end it. If she doesn't, but wants to keep him in the wings, talk about that and its impact on her ability to be fully in a relationship with you. Its acceptable for a time, but not for long.

That actually makes it worse, not better. It's actually kind of suffocating to spend that much time together so fast, so soon. So then you have the swing back to the other direction - people need to take a big step back and breathe and get their bearings and sort out a whole lot of information about you, about the relationship, compatibility, what they want, etc, etc, etc.

 

It's ye olde what burns hot and fast, burns out just as fast. Once reality starts settling in, you suddenly start to notice how much you don't like the way they laugh or fold thier clothes, and so on. It may seem frivolous, but early on, you'd be surprised what breaks relationships. Better slow this down and let both of you breathe, think, get your bearings.

 

I'm going to go against the crowd here and suggest that you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet and be a little patient and back off a bit. Basically, sit back a bit and see if she comes around. Either she will or not. Meanwhile, don't push or pursue and do not assume she is damaged if she chooses not to pursue. It just means you weren't as much of a match as you thought. Moving so fast creates this illusion of intimacy and as if you've known each other for years.....but you really haven't and it's really just been 2 months. Try to keep at least one foot on the ground.

It's definitely worse. Showmances usually blow up in flames for exactly that reason. Thanks for this. I think it's a pretty level-headed perspective on things. I don't really care about all the "where's your self-respect? man up" toxicity. I've got self-respect, and I also legitimately care about this person so I'm ok with giving it a little bit of a short timeline here to see what happens. If it stays ambiguous past that point I'll bow out. Seem reasonable?

It's definitely worse. Showmances usually blow up in flames for exactly that reason. Thanks for this. I think it's a pretty level-headed perspective on things. I don't really care about all the "where's your self-respect? man up" toxicity. I've got self-respect, and I also legitimately care about this person so I'm ok with giving it a little bit of a short timeline here to see what happens. If it stays ambiguous past that point I'll bow out. Seem reasonable?

Very! This way you keep peace of mind too in that you don't have to look back and wonder what if. Only caveat is that you don't keep moving that goalpost and waiting more and more. Stay firm within your own boundaries of I'll wait and see this long and no more and then you really do move on.

OP My experience might help you. Before I describe it, I will say this: Its early yet. Rather than commit to a relationship, reframe the commitment to respect each person's need/desire to do what feels right for him or herself.

 

Then let time unfold. Your commitment to each other will grow naturally (or not).

 

My story: I am with a good match. When we met we were both distracted by others whom we didn't want as long term partners but who also engaged us enough to get our attention. We each had developed habits and emotions with these people, and we took time to change. We did it gradually, we respected the connections we had built with others; we talked to each other about it. It wasn't a typical approach but it worked for us because it was authentic to our emotions and thoughts.

 

If she feels she may have lingering doubts, let her know you understand and support her need to sort that out. Does she want to see him? Does she want to go out with him? If she is unclear, end it. If she doesn't, but wants to keep him in the wings, talk about that and its impact on her ability to be fully in a relationship with you. Its acceptable for a time, but not for long.

Thank you! This was actually very helpful. Appreciate it.

It's not about too soon for a commitment. I'll tell you personally my fairly hard rule was no sooner than four months, so I hardly would think her a monster for wanting to hold off. But her not wanting to commit with you and her only "right on the edge of the cliff" with this promise nonsense aren't mutually inclusive. I wouldn't care if she said she were hanging off the cliff with one finger. That takes some stones to full-on divulge as an excuse. Add to that, absent your own amateur diagnosis of her commitment issues, all I read was that you simply wanted to plan the next time you two can meet up, not that you'd in any way referenced locking her down. It's not like you two have to soak it in for two weeks before you simply start working out logistics.

So yeah, if we want to isolate the aspect of time served, don't get too invested in someone you've hardly begun to date. But taking the whole picture into account, there are plenty of women out there who are healthy enough to not jump into commitment but who aren't hanging onto some promise you'd only see in a cheesy RomCom.

What I will say is that she's being completely honest with you with the fact she is in fact on the ledge about "that thing" still. It's totally on you if / when she decides, "Hey, I know it was a very small chance, but I made you completely aware of that small chance... so, seeya." At the very, very least, if you wanna insist on holding onto hope for the future, I'd thank her for her honesty and tell her in much nicer terms to let you know when she's put on her big girl pants and made a decision with regard to "that thing."

It'd be one thing if she lived somewhere cool you liked to travel to and, as a bonus, you could meet up with her for the company and a decent lay whenever you're in her neck of the woods. That's obviously not want you're after, and she's pretty much as fundamentally as you can get still at a crossroads which would very likely preclude what you're after. I'm not seeing the sense.

It's not about too soon for a commitment. I'll tell you personally my fairly hard rule was no sooner than four months, so I hardly would think her a monster for wanting to hold off. But her not wanting to commit with you and her only "right on the edge of the cliff" with this promise nonsense aren't mutually inclusive. I wouldn't care if she said she were hanging off the cliff with one finger. That takes some stones to full-on divulge as an excuse. Add to that, absent your own amateur diagnosis of her commitment issues, all I read was that you simply wanted to plan the next time you two can meet up, not that you'd in any way referenced locking her down. It's not like you two have to soak it in for two weeks before you simply start working out logistics.

 

So yeah, if we want to isolate the aspect of time served, don't get too invested in someone you've hardly begun to date. But taking the whole picture into account, there are plenty of women out there who are healthy enough to not jump into commitment but who aren't hanging onto some promise you'd only see in a cheesy RomCom.

 

What I will say is that she's being completely honest with you with the fact she is in fact on the ledge about "that thing" still. It's totally on you if / when she decides, "Hey, I know it was a very small chance, but I made you completely aware of that small chance... so, seeya." At the very, very least, if you wanna insist on holding onto hope for the future, I'd thank her for her honesty and tell her in much nicer terms to let you know when she's put on her big girl pants and made a decision with regard to "that thing."

I'm not sure if I'm misreading or misinterpreting parts of your post, but I will clarify that the cliff thing had to do with her diving into this with *me*, not with the ex.

In annnny case. I dunno I appreciate honesty. I'm an open book and dig it when other people are, too. Even if it's weird or sucks or whatever, at least you're informed and know what's going on in their heads and can make rational decisions based on reality - not just what you *think* is going on. That said, I definitely think there will be a time for what you're suggesting in that last paragraph. I know that's probably the way this all ends, but giving her a second to process isn't gonna make or break anything on my end.

Why does it need to be stay or go?

There has been no discussion about exclusivity, No commitment and although you spent a great deal of time together right away it has only been 2 months.

Tell her this: "You are free to date whomever you wish as am I but I am not interested in casually dating indefinitely" "Figure out what you need to and give me an answer one way or another"

It won't kill you to step back and see this thing with a little daylight between you two, in fact it could be a good thing.

It sounds like you have your ego in check and can see the big picture so stay with that but don't make her choice for her, let her decide. Life is about choices and it sounds like she has been pretty damn straight with you so far which counts for a lot in my book.

Lost

I'm not sure if I'm misreading or misinterpreting parts of your post, but I will clarify that the cliff thing had to do with her diving into this with *me*, not with the ex.

 

In annnny case. I dunno I appreciate honesty. I'm an open book and dig it when other people are, too. Even if it's weird or sucks or whatever, at least you're informed and know what's going on in their heads and can make rational decisions based on reality - not just what you *think* is going on. That said, I definitely think there will be a time for what you're suggesting in that last paragraph. I know that's probably the way this all ends, but giving her a second to process isn't gonna make or break anything on my end.

You do you. I can appreciate that you appreciate that she has disclosed what she has, but it is very often the case people do this to alleviate a disproportionate amount of potential guilt for the limited information conceded. She's obviously not so terrible a person she's willing to have this dynamic running without you having any insight, but very few people in her situation are going to tell you, "Yeah... it's 50/50 right now. Cross your fingers!" I'd put a solid grand on her having wiped her hands clean letting you know there are odds at all.

I might be more liassez-faire about it if she lived 10 minutes out and continuing to give it a nonchalant effort wasn't a matter of you booking time off and arranging travels and AirBnBs for the privilege of just seeing her. At the end of the day, you know better than I what's worth it for you, though.

You are correct, and that's my bad. However, she has tied in "jumping in with you" as the potential consequence of her finally deciding to forego whatever this arrangement with this man is, so it really is in effect the same thing. In fact, for me it would be even more of a red flag if it was a matter of, "OK, officially done with that. Now I'm your lady." It's not quite monkey-branching, but it sure sounds close.

 

You do you. I can appreciate that you appreciate that she has disclosed what she has, but it is very often the case people do this to alleviate a disproportionate amount of potential guilt for the limited information conceded. She's obviously not so terrible a person she's willing to have this dynamic running without you having any insight, but very few people in her situation are going to tell you, "Yeah... it's 50/50 right now. Cross your fingers!" I'd put a solid grand on her having wiped her hands clean letting you know there are odds at all.

 

I might be more liassez-faire about it if she lived 10 minutes out and continuing to give it a nonchalant effort wasn't a matter of you booking time off and arranging travels and AirBnBs for the privilege of just seeing her. At the end of the day, you know better than I what's worth it for you, though.

Totally legit, though she actually offered to come down to visit me first before she ended up getting a performing job that forced her to stay in Mass over the weekends for a few weeks.

I know I'm pushing back on you, but you're making a lot of really great points and I promise they're getting through. Thanks!

Why does it need to be stay or go?

 

There has been no discussion about exclusivity, No commitment and although you spent a great deal of time together right away it has only been 2 months.

 

Tell her this: "You are free to date whomever you wish as am I but I am not interested in casually dating indefinitely" "Figure out what you need to and give me an answer one way or another"

 

It won't kill you to step back and see this thing with a little daylight between you two, in fact it could be a good thing.

 

It sounds like you have your ego in check and can see the big picture so stay with that but don't make her choice for her, let her decide. Life is about choices and it sounds like she has been pretty damn straight with you so far which counts for a lot in my book.

 

Lost

Agreed. Yep. The more I talk about it and think about it the more I think some time and space (I like daylight better haha) for both of us makes a hell of a lot of sense. Thanks!

Thank you! This was actually very helpful. Appreciate it.

Good luck to you.

This is how non-traditional we went about it, and also how committed we are to whatever is right for each other.

Early on, we met for drinks with my primary distraction whom for this post I will call "J". Why? Because J and I have a love for one another. Because J and my bf have umpteen interests and skills in common and I legitimately thought they might enjoy each other. Because I selfishly thought maybe I could end up keeping J in our joint orbit. And because my bf was up for it, because he is a rock star like that. They were gentlemen, they talked for two drinks' worth, often about things in which I have only a passing interest; I could have left altogether sometimes. I was right about that part. Also I was right that we all brought love to the table before anything else. Example, if bf and J both had, say, a passion about bench pressing, bf held back so that J could own that achievement. Bf saw that J loved me; bf wanted J to have as little pain and as much kindness as possible. Later J said bf was a great choice and gave me his blessing, as it were, even as he acknowledged that he neither had that right nor wished to lose access to me.

I am lucky to have had the gifts these two men gave me, in their willingness to be supportive of each other. I will forever appreciate bf's insistence that I should find the least painful way possible to disengage the personal aspects of my relationship with J. Bf allowed me to find that path, and that took time and experimentation, and sometimes, I was wrong. I had thought J and I could be friends (we live far apart and text mostly), but I found that my friendship with him functioned as a security blanket, even though J and I know we will never be a couple under any circumstance. I suspect bf knew all along that J and I would have to cut contact, but he did not dictate it. It wasn't easy and I infer from some of our conversations then that I nearly my lost bf over it, but it also was the right approach for all three of us.

We are a stronger couple now because we did not dictate the other person's choices, then, and also because we kept our own interests in mind when making choices for ourselves.

What sticks out to me in all this is how many excuses you are making for her poor behaviour already. And it's only a few months. That's rarely a good sign.

Agreed. You can't force the issue b/c that makes you the "loser" here.

Also, "what if.." is a very strong thing and I always advise people to figure out their "what if.." before they do anything else (in this case her figuring it out with her ex- before even considering you). And in the end, whether you want or will like this, YOU ALSO do not want to get involved with her and commit time, resources, emotions towards somebody with a lingering "what if..."

NEVER ever be with anybody who is not FREE AND CLEAR and single (or scheduled to be single already... i'm talking people waiting for divorces who have been living separate lives already).

The last thing you want is to get involved, with her "what iff..." and have her cash her "what if..." chip 1 yr from now, 5 yrs from now, 10 yrs from now when you may be engaged, married, or have family. You just DON'T want to ahve anything to do with it. If it helps more.. realize that anybody seeing you with a "what if.." is really not 100% seeing/devoted to you now are they? Do you really want to commit to somebody not 100% devoted to you?

Dial it back. Stay in touch. Explore other options yourself while she clears up this "what if.." situation with her ex-. Who knows.. you may find somebody even better and more meant to be with you than this if you do.

Good luck to you.

 

This is how non-traditional we went about it, and also how committed we are to whatever is right for each other.

 

Early on, we met for drinks with my primary distraction whom for this post I will call "J". Why? Because J and I have a love for one another. Because J and my bf have umpteen interests and skills in common and I legitimately thought they might enjoy each other. Because I selfishly thought maybe I could end up keeping J in our joint orbit. And because my bf was up for it, because he is a rock star like that. They were gentlemen, they talked for two drinks' worth, often about things in which I have only a passing interest; I could have left altogether sometimes. I was right about that part. Also I was right that we all brought love to the table before anything else. Example, if bf and J both had, say, a passion about bench pressing, bf held back so that J could own that achievement. Bf saw that J loved me; bf wanted J to have as little pain and as much kindness as possible. Later J said bf was a great choice and gave me his blessing, as it were, even as he acknowledged that he neither had that right nor wished to lose access to me.

 

I am lucky to have had the gifts these two men gave me, in their willingness to be supportive of each other. I will forever appreciate bf's insistence that I should find the least painful way possible to disengage the personal aspects of my relationship with J. Bf allowed me to find that path, and that took time and experimentation, and sometimes, I was wrong. I had thought J and I could be friends (we live far apart and text mostly), but I found that my friendship with him functioned as a security blanket, even though J and I know we will never be a couple under any circumstance. I suspect bf knew all along that J and I would have to cut contact, but he did not dictate it. It wasn't easy and I infer from some of our conversations then that I nearly my lost bf over it, but it also was the right approach for all three of us.

 

We are a stronger couple now because we did not dictate the other person's choices, then, and also because we kept our own interests in mind when making choices for ourselves.

Swoon.

Pardon me while I tattoo this post to the insides of my eyelids. And, I suspect, great words for you, OP.

I admit I often find myself in situations like this, on all sides, and could happily riff on it. But IAmFCA is the bench press pro here, so I'll leave the lifting to her, with just a few words.

Two months, no matter how intense, is only two months. Remember that—which, I know from plenty of experience, can be hard. It can go any which way, for a zillion reasons, and that's part of the fun.

Ego down, heart open. Respect that a little more time and a little more space have the answers you don't, and you'll be good, wherever this goes.

^^

In situations like these, where you aren't exactly pressed to take action ~

If you acknowledge that you do not have a clear answer today, don't act on it.

Sit on it, let it simmer.

The answer will come.

OK. .so the opposite argument going on in my head.

As I read her predicament, how do you know that her heart isn't with this other guy?

All the silence between the two could mean she's holding out, waiting for the other guy to make a play for her. That the ball is really in his court and she's biding time.

And that makes you plan, B.

Sorry, that's my suspicious brain thinking here.

Only you know if her story is one you can trust.