Husband’s family

My husband’s family is getting on my nerves. First off, we all live on a farm together and I’m pretty much forced to spend time with my husband’s cousins (both cousins are girls and their husbands are my husband’s close friends) every weekend because that’s what he enjoys doing (drinking with them, playing cards with them, shooting birds with them, etc.). The problem is that they are so rude and only like people that are like them. For example- a friend of ours was at the farm visiting and one of the cousins kept making fun of his outfit (he was a city guy and my cousin in laws are about as country/redneck as they come) out loud where he could hear it. I’m not country either and I know they probably make fun of me. They have made fun of my family where I could hear it before referring to them as “Yankees” because they aren’t rednecks. And my family isn’t even from up north. They are from south Florida. I’m just so annoyed because I do not enjoy spending time with people that behave that way but I feel like I have no choice because my husband isn’t going to want to stop spending every weekend with them. I just don’t like rude people. It’s not what I stand for. I’m very accepting of cultural differences and I like everyone that is kind. Some advice is needed please!

Your husband is the problem, not them. He's just like them, but you don't want to see that. The problem is between you and him, but you don't want to see that either. Address your husband's behavior, not theirs.

my husband isn’t going to want to stop spending every weekend with them.

No he’s not. He’s friends with city guy. Not someone who makes fun of people for being from somewhere else.

And yet this is what he's doing...

their husbands are my husband’s close friends. every weekend because that’s what he enjoys doing drinking with them, playing cards with them, shooting birds with them, etc..

Is it really so insulting to tease like that? It sounds kinda harmless/annoying -can you tune it out a bit more maybe?

Poking fun at an outfit and calling people "yankees" is the extent of your grievances? I mean, you're right here calling them "rednecks," so I don't know how many points I can give you simply for harboring your pejoratives. If your friend's outfit getting made fun really ruins his weekend, have him get a room and meet with him for activities.

If thickening your skin isn't an option, then do some honest reflection on whether this is the life for you, cousins present or not.

So what if someone calls someone a Yankee. Get a thicker skin.

I find you can get along with anyone as long as you can figure out their sense of humor. They were teasing the guy. If anything ever happened to you, I'm sure they would defend you with everything they got.

Now if your husband has always hung out with them, I'm sure you were hanging out with them before you got married. You chose him. So you chose them. Learn to have fun with them, and plan activities for you and hubby to do, and invite them to join. They can say, "no", or you both grow your relationships.

Unless they are threatening you, or maybe you feel scared, try to get to know them. Invite the wives for a girl's night out!

I find you can get along with anyone as long as you can figure out their sense of humor. They were teasing the guy. If anything ever happened to you, I'm sure they would defend you with everything they got.

 

Now if your husband has always hung out with them, I'm sure you were hanging out with them before you got married. You chose him. So you chose them. Learn to have fun with them, and plan activities for you and hubby to do, and invite them to join. They can say, "no", or you both grow your relationships.

 

Unless they are threatening you, or maybe you feel scared, try to get to know them. Invite the wives for a girl's night out!

No, we were not hanging out with them before we got married because we didnÂ’t move to the farm until we got married. They werenÂ’t joking when they were making fun of him. They were purposely being rude to him for being different. I know how to joke.

A huge unknown secret in relationships and marriage is that it is extremely important to retain a sense of individualism and personal pursuits on your own - aka "me time". In this situation, you need a WHOLE HEAP of it hahahaa.

So as should be done with any "change" to a relationship dynamic, it's best to discuss this with your spouse. Although he may not take it well or not understand, it is highly appropriate that you mention how it is uncomfortable for you when the things you describe occur - the generalizations of people not like them, etc. especially because you are not "like them." However, this would be your decision to add-on this part or not.

The main part of the discussion is, that you have decided you would like to pursue some interests of yours (it would be best to research and come up with some specifics you can already speak to, what it would involve, cost, time, etc.). Hopefully he can undersatnd that you have supported him in what has been important to him, you are asking for the same kind of support from him for what's important to you (these interests you would like to pursue).

Then go pursue them, have fun, make your own friends.. Develop your own new weekly or weekend or monthly rituals you partake in that make YOU happy. And see how that goes. See how the relationship is a few months down after doing this. Re-assess then about the relationship, etc.

the pursuit of personal interests, passions, and our own individualism is a very forgotten "must have" for personal fulfillment, as well as RELATIONSHIP health and fulfillment!

Good luck!

....you are calling them rednecks, but then are upset they call your family Yankees.....I mean....you do realize you are being a complete hypocrite here, right?

I find you can get along with anyone as long as you can figure out their sense of humor. They were teasing the guy. If anything ever happened to you, I'm sure they would defend you with everything they got.

 

Now if your husband has always hung out with them, I'm sure you were hanging out with them before you got married. You chose him. So you chose them. Learn to have fun with them, and plan activities for you and hubby to do, and invite them to join. They can say, "no", or you both grow your relationships.

 

Unless they are threatening you, or maybe you feel scared, try to get to know them. Invite the wives for a girl's night out!

A huge unknown secret in relationships and marriage is that it is extremely important to retain a sense of individualism and personal pursuits on your own - aka "me time". In this situation, you need a WHOLE HEAP of it hahahaa.

So as should be done with any "change" to a relationship dynamic, it's best to discuss this with your spouse. Although he may not take it well or not understand, it is highly appropriate that you mention how it is uncomfortable for you when the things you describe occur - the generalizations of people not like them, etc. especially because you are not "like them." However, this would be your decision to add-on this part or not.

 

The main part of the discussion is, that you have decided you would like to pursue some interests of yours (it would be best to research and come up with some specifics you can already speak to, what it would involve, cost, time, etc.). Hopefully he can undersatnd that you have supported him in what has been important to him, you are asking for the same kind of support from him for what's important to you (these interests you would like to pursue).

 

Then go pursue them, have fun, make your own friends.. Develop your own new weekly or weekend or monthly rituals you partake in that make YOU happy. And see how that goes. See how the relationship is a few months down after doing this. Re-assess then about the relationship, etc.

 

the pursuit of personal interests, passions, and our own individualism is a very forgotten "must have" for personal fulfillment, as well as RELATIONSHIP health and fulfillment!

 

Good luck!

Thank you for the advice. I do feel like I already have a lot of “me time” and I usually save the weekends for my husband but maybe you are right.

They call themselves rednecks. I didn’t even know what that was until I met them.

They call themselves rednecks. I didn’t even know what that was until I met them.

Look, as you can see by the self-deprecation alone, they make fun of things and people, themselves included. Even mocking people for their fancy Yankee clothes is taking as much a jab at the guy as it is at the fact they've got a total of two pairs of work jeans they've been cycling through for five years. Your friend should have came right back with, "Yeah, unfortunately Kohl's was all out of torn jeans with the classic horse **** scent stitched right into them." Or, again, gotten his own room elsewhere if he doesn't have the wit to come back or a standard-issued dermis to simply shrug it off if they really are just being jerks.

If you're completely honest about having gotten through however many decades of life within these United States without knowing the term "redneck," I'm not sure you've got the exposure to recognize humor outside your own.

I am a Californian. Moved to Dallas, TX for a few years in the 80s. The teasing about Yankees would happen constantly. I usually took it in stride. One day, at a kid's birthday party that I took my 5-year-old to, it was all getting a bit much.

Just to steer the conversation to something interesting I pointed to the civil war sword displayed prominently above the fireplace. I asked about it. Guy said it was used to kill Yankees during the "War of Northern Aggression."

Lots of laughing going on.

I'd had it and replied. I think you're wrong. I believe it was used to fall on during the "War of Southern Submission."

No laughing anymore, somehow it was OK to insult the "Yankee" in the room but not to fight back.

We left soon after.

I suppose I was rude at the end, but they took it too far.

I moved not too long after too, I still have friends there. But I totally get the cultural conflict getting annoying after awhile.

Thank you for the advice. I do feel like I already have a lot of “me time” and I usually save the weekends for my husband but maybe you are right.

"Me time" is time without your s/o. And studies of long-healthy couples have always shown that a huge common component and reason for that is healthy individualism and "me time" with separate interests and time.

We all know the saying, "you spend to omuch time with somebody" and it's just natural to get snappy with them.. and you just need to get apart for a while? yea.. we all know that one. How come we never apply that to relationsihps? (The healthy, long-lived relationship couples DO remember this).

Good luck.

Move.........

Seems your husband's kinfolk and you don't take a shine to each other. Be who you are, live and let live and simply ignore them. In fact start planning other things to do on weekend with or without your husband. Get out of the house more. Take some courses or classes. Join some groups or clubs. Volunteer. Get a part-time weekend job. Why sit back and complain when you can simply do a lot of things to avoid annoying situations/people?

Can't you go out and do something else while they're around?

My heart goes out to you, Marshmellow. I find it most helpful whenever I feel stuck to shift my focus away from complaining-mode, and try to impress myself instead with my very best problem-solving skills.

Just like swearing and sarcasm, complaining sets a tone that sticks to me until I recognize what ~I~ am doing to cement myself into that rut. It's up to me--and nobody else--to reverse MY course and shake it off. It helps to start with a vision of want I want for myself, and from there I can come up with steps that I must take in order to get there.

This is solution-oriented thinking that helps me to climb and ascend, as opposed to drilling myself into a deeper hole with my negative lens that only seeks (and always finds) PROOF that I'm soooo right for being so miserable. Great. So skip that, focus on what you WANT to change, and since you can't change anyone else, move yourself in the direction you want to go. If that means surrounding yourself with people who are kind and positive, then pursue avenues for meeting new people and spending more time with them--either with or without husband.

You may find that time spent in the company of 'new' others fortifies you and inspires you to spend your alone time in a serene head-space. You may notice that this enables you to spend small doses of sharing time with husband's family as a generous observer who can see 'beyond' the small stuff that annoys you today.

If you'll invest in making your own Self happier, you won't feel trapped and overwhelmed during select periods of availability to the people you see too much of now. Your social life won't revolve around husband's, but rather it will co-mingle on occasion and feel refreshingly like a choice rather than a sentence.

I like Wiseman's advice below because it's solution-oriented:

Seems your husband's kinfolk and you don't take a shine to each other. Be who you are, live and let live and simply ignore them. In fact start planning other things to do on weekend with or without your husband. Get out of the house more. Take some courses or classes. Join some groups or clubs. Volunteer. Get a part-time weekend job. Why sit back and complain when you can simply do a lot of things to avoid annoying situations/people?

Head high, you can do this.