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Thread: My exs mom called me.

  1. #1
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    My exs mom called me.

    So Im 6 weeks no contact and my exs mom sends me a Facebook message(not friends with her) saying to give her a call because shes worried about my ex.

    So I gave her my number and she called me. She told me how the guy she left me for(current bf) is lying to her and manipulating her into not seeing her parents. She told me that he said that I was contacting him and bothering him. Which is untrue.

    I told her what I knew about him about his drug use physical abuse and how he has lied to her about me in the past. I personally think he is extremely dangerous and manipulative. My exs mom is worried that shell get on drugs and how he is controlling her.

    I think he is extremely dangerous and borderline crazy. My ex is to naive and immature to see it. I gave her mother my opinion on him and told her I dont understand why my ex hasnt turned my phone off even tho I gave her the money, which makes me believe shes broke.

    All this made me feel really bad and I hate that shes in this situation its crazy how I couldve never imagine this happening. I feel so horrible any advice?
    Last edited by Austino96; 01-29-2019 at 11:45 AM.

  2. #2
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    She is not your GF any more. Cut contact. If you stay in contact you will be involved in a dangerous spiral with no upside for you.

    It is sad that your ex has chosen this path, but you do not have to as well.

    You are not her knight in shining armor.

    Let her mom do what she does.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is her problem, not yours. It's mom's job to get a restraining order, do something and take care of her daughter.
    Originally Posted by Austino96
    he told me how the guy she left me for(current bf) is lying to her and manipulating her into not seeing her parents.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What the others are saying, hard as that is to hear.

    I can relate. My ex is a very troubled soul, which is probably partly what drew me to her.

    Anyhow, I've gotten plenty of wind in the year and half since we were together about the various dark roads she's gone down. With dudes, with drugs. And I feel for herbut from afar. Not my life, not my business, because together we were ultimately not right. I hope she finds a way to right that ship, but I've got my own ship to navigate.

    I remember your earlier post about her, so I know you've been through your own share of troubles, some which affected the way you were inside the relationship. Some guilt there, some shame, I'm sure. But you don't atone by engaging in this sort of stuffyou just make a mess messier. This is her journey now, not yours.

    So wish her well in your head and heart, but keep cutting contact and stepping forward on your own path.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Mature or immature, agree or disagree with her choices, bottom line is that she is an adult making her own choices for her own reasons.

    If she wants to do drugs, she'll do drugs. If she wants to date abusive men, she will date abusive men. As hard and tempting as it is to try to get involved and to try and save her from herself, you can't. You just can't save or fix people. If she ever decides that her life is a problem, then she'll fix herself and get whatever help she needs. This is all out of your hands. It's a bit like dealing with an alcoholic - you can force them into a recovery program, but it will never work unless or until they decide they want to change. The more you interfere, the more they'll resist the help.

    Stop talking to her mother and fueling her fears and move on. Btw, referring to your gf as immature is not exactly a respectful attitude or in any way conducive to helping a person. Nobody likes being patronized like that.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    All this made me feel really bad and I hate that shes in this situation its crazy how I couldve never imagine this happening. I feel so horrible any advice?
    I'd look at it as, "not your circus, not your monkeys."

  8. #7
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Your ex's mom called you when she should have called an expert in abusive relationships, such as a non-profit, women's shelter, or hot line. Your ex did not fall far from the tree; both she and her mom are looking to men to shape the path of their lives, to take control and be responsible for them. It is as if neither feels she is capable on her own.

    Both your ex and her mother are adults. Each has chosen to avoid personal responsibility for personal choices, calling on men to take that responsibility for them. In your desire to help, you would end up shouldering responsibility that belongs to the ex and her mother; in doing so you will make things worse.

    Advise the mother that she needs the assistance of an expert, and that she needs to call a women's shelter or hot line to get advice. Tell her that you wish her and your ex success in finding a healthy and happy resolution. Tell her that while you can not be part of that process, that you will wish them both well, from afar. Tell her again to call the expert/hot line/shelter. Sign off.

    Then, disengage and block access to you as much as you can feel comfortable doing so.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She left you for another man. That's the end of your part in this story.

  10. #9
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    leave it be. this is her and her mom's business not yours.
    any attempt by you to "help" will only be used by the lying new bf to control your ex- further. (in fact the same is true if her mom pushes too hard too).

    the best thing that works in these situations is to just let the victim know you are there and they can contact you any time and let them dictate (the mother may have the ability to do more and not push her daughter away). so i guess you could conceivably just text her and say "your mom contacted me.. i hope you're doing ok.... thought i'd let yo know... i'm here if you ever want to talk"..

    but no more than that.

  11. #10
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    You're being just as manipulative by giving your ex's mom unsubstantiated dirt on your ex's new boyfriend.

    Are you hoping to get back in via her mom?

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