My ex’s mom called me.

So I’m 6 weeks no contact and my ex’s mom sends me a Facebook message(not friends with her) saying to give her a call because she’s worried about my ex.

So I gave her my number and she called me. She told me how the guy she left me for(current bf) is lying to her and manipulating her into not seeing her parents. She told me that he said that I was contacting him and bothering him. Which is untrue.

I told her what I knew about him about his drug use physical abuse and how he has lied to her about me in the past. I personally think he is extremely dangerous and manipulative. My ex’s mom is worried that she’ll get on drugs and how he is controlling her.

I think he is extremely dangerous and borderline crazy. My ex is to naive and immature to see it. I gave her mother my opinion on him and told her I don’t understand why my ex hasn’t turned my phone off even tho I gave her the money, which makes me believe she’s broke.

All this made me feel really bad and I hate that she’s in this situation it’s crazy how I could’ve never imagine this happening. I feel so horrible any advice?

She is not your GF any more. Cut contact. If you stay in contact you will be involved in a dangerous spiral with no upside for you.

It is sad that your ex has chosen this path, but you do not have to as well.

You are not her knight in shining armor.

Let her mom do what she does.

This is her problem, not yours. It's mom's job to get a restraining order, do something and take care of her daughter.

he told me how the guy she left me for(current bf) is lying to her and manipulating her into not seeing her parents.

What the others are saying, hard as that is to hear.

I can relate. My ex is a very troubled soul, which is probably partly what drew me to her.

Anyhow, I've gotten plenty of wind in the year and half since we were together about the various dark roads she's gone down. With dudes, with drugs. And I feel for her—but from afar. Not my life, not my business, because together we were ultimately not right. I hope she finds a way to right that ship, but I've got my own ship to navigate.

I remember your earlier post about her, so I know you've been through your own share of troubles, some which affected the way you were inside the relationship. Some guilt there, some shame, I'm sure. But you don't atone by engaging in this sort of stuff—you just make a mess messier. This is her journey now, not yours.

So wish her well in your head and heart, but keep cutting contact and stepping forward on your own path.

Mature or immature, agree or disagree with her choices, bottom line is that she is an adult making her own choices for her own reasons.

If she wants to do drugs, she'll do drugs. If she wants to date abusive men, she will date abusive men. As hard and tempting as it is to try to get involved and to try and save her from herself, you can't. You just can't save or fix people. If she ever decides that her life is a problem, then she'll fix herself and get whatever help she needs. This is all out of your hands. It's a bit like dealing with an alcoholic - you can force them into a recovery program, but it will never work unless or until they decide they want to change. The more you interfere, the more they'll resist the help.

Stop talking to her mother and fueling her fears and move on. Btw, referring to your gf as immature is not exactly a respectful attitude or in any way conducive to helping a person. Nobody likes being patronized like that.

All this made me feel really bad and I hate that she’s in this situation it’s crazy how I could’ve never imagine this happening. I feel so horrible any advice?

I'd look at it as, "not your circus, not your monkeys."

Your ex's mom called you when she should have called an expert in abusive relationships, such as a non-profit, women's shelter, or hot line. Your ex did not fall far from the tree; both she and her mom are looking to men to shape the path of their lives, to take control and be responsible for them. It is as if neither feels she is capable on her own.

Both your ex and her mother are adults. Each has chosen to avoid personal responsibility for personal choices, calling on men to take that responsibility for them. In your desire to help, you would end up shouldering responsibility that belongs to the ex and her mother; in doing so you will make things worse.

Advise the mother that she needs the assistance of an expert, and that she needs to call a women's shelter or hot line to get advice. Tell her that you wish her and your ex success in finding a healthy and happy resolution. Tell her that while you can not be part of that process, that you will wish them both well, from afar. Tell her again to call the expert/hot line/shelter. Sign off.

Then, disengage and block access to you as much as you can feel comfortable doing so.

She left you for another man. That's the end of your part in this story.

leave it be. this is her and her mom's business not yours.

any attempt by you to "help" will only be used by the lying new bf to control your ex- further. (in fact the same is true if her mom pushes too hard too).

the best thing that works in these situations is to just let the victim know you are there and they can contact you any time and let them dictate (the mother may have the ability to do more and not push her daughter away). so i guess you could conceivably just text her and say "your mom contacted me.. i hope you're doing ok.... thought i'd let yo know... i'm here if you ever want to talk"..

but no more than that.

You're being just as manipulative by giving your ex's mom unsubstantiated dirt on your ex's new boyfriend.

Are you hoping to get back in via her mom?

Do not contact your ex. Whatever she does is on her. It's not your job to "save" her. She is an adult and it's HER responsibility to fix her life, not yours. She is not naive, she is making stupid choices, but choices nevertheless. Imo, if you feel that you need to save someone from themselves, then that's a very unhealthy situation and you should steer clear of that person. Her mom had no business drugging you into this mess and if she does it again, you need to politely close the door.

I would tell "mom" that its not your problem - she chose to leave you and therefore your hands are washed of her. I would tell mom not to contact you again.

Just exactly what did your ex's mother expect you to do about her wayward daughter? Where is your ex's father?

I agree that your ex's mother should be asking advice from the police, a abused woman's shelter or a therapist. It was inappropriate and codependent of her to be asking your opinion about her daughter, your ex girlfriend's new boyfriend. Selfish and self serving.

Please don't respond to any more if she reaches out to you again unless it is to tell her to call a professional to help her to help her daughter escape from her current hell.

You're being just as manipulative by giving your ex's mom unsubstantiated dirt on your ex's new boyfriend.

 

Are you hoping to get back in via her mom?

All the info I gave I got from my ex while we where dating. She told me all this stuff. I also told her mother that my ex said he changed. I gave her my opinion. Tbh I wish she wouldn’t called me I don’t really want to be involved with it. The relationship is dead regardless I gave it up.

Made me feel bad because I still care.

You're only human, you're going to feel bad. However, she wanted the ex and choose her path. Not much you can do about that.

If the Mother calls again, I would tell her you're not comfortable with her calling.

What the others are saying, hard as that is to hear.

 

I can relate. My ex is a very troubled soul, which is probably partly what drew me to her.

 

Anyhow, I've gotten plenty of wind in the year and half since we were together about the various dark roads she's gone down. With dudes, with drugs. And I feel for her—but from afar. Not my life, not my business, because together we were ultimately not right. I hope she finds a way to right that ship, but I've got my own ship to navigate.

 

I remember your earlier post about her, so I know you've been through your own share of troubles, some which affected the way you were inside the relationship. Some guilt there, some shame, I'm sure. But you don't atone by engaging in this sort of stuff—you just make a mess messier. This is her journey now, not yours.

 

So wish her well in your head and heart, but keep cutting contact and stepping forward on your own path.

Like always your input is golden. I know it’s not my problem and that I got to let it go. Just like you said I feel like it’s my fault a little because maybe something I could’ve done. Although I’m not gonna pretend like she does do drugs. I don’t know the whole story nor do I want to. It bothers me and I need to keep her business out of my life.

Thanks for the great view point man always appreciate that.

Mature or immature, agree or disagree with her choices, bottom line is that she is an adult making her own choices for her own reasons.

 

If she wants to do drugs, she'll do drugs. If she wants to date abusive men, she will date abusive men. As hard and tempting as it is to try to get involved and to try and save her from herself, you can't. You just can't save or fix people. If she ever decides that her life is a problem, then she'll fix herself and get whatever help she needs. This is all out of your hands. It's a bit like dealing with an alcoholic - you can force them into a recovery program, but it will never work unless or until they decide they want to change. The more you interfere, the more they'll resist the help.

 

Stop talking to her mother and fueling her fears and move on. Btw, referring to your gf as immature is not exactly a respectful attitude or in any way conducive to helping a person. Nobody likes being patronized like that.

I agree. Also immature was the wrong word to use. Thanks for the input.

leave it be. this is her and her mom's business not yours.

any attempt by you to "help" will only be used by the lying new bf to control your ex- further. (in fact the same is true if her mom pushes too hard too).

 

the best thing that works in these situations is to just let the victim know you are there and they can contact you any time and let them dictate (the mother may have the ability to do more and not push her daughter away). so i guess you could conceivably just text her and say "your mom contacted me.. i hope you're doing ok.... thought i'd let yo know... i'm here if you ever want to talk"..

 

but no more than that.

I’m not gonna contact her at all ever... At all.. I’ve set that as apart of myself. Honestly I made huge mistakes in that relationship but what kind of man would I be to try and get someone like this back.

In my opinion I’d be less of a man than I am now.

Your ex's mom called you when she should have called an expert in abusive relationships, such as a non-profit, women's shelter, or hot line. Your ex did not fall far from the tree; both she and her mom are looking to men to shape the path of their lives, to take control and be responsible for them. It is as if neither feels she is capable on her own.

 

Both your ex and her mother are adults. Each has chosen to avoid personal responsibility for personal choices, calling on men to take that responsibility for them. In your desire to help, you would end up shouldering responsibility that belongs to the ex and her mother; in doing so you will make things worse.

 

Advise the mother that she needs the assistance of an expert, and that she needs to call a women's shelter or hot line to get advice. Tell her that you wish her and your ex success in finding a healthy and happy resolution. Tell her that while you can not be part of that process, that you will wish them both well, from afar. Tell her again to call the expert/hot line/shelter. Sign off.

 

Then, disengage and block access to you as much as you can feel comfortable doing so.

That’s what I should’ve done. Maybe if she contacts me again. But I’d rather not say anything at all to her the next time.

You should dlete and block your ex and ALL her people after a breakup. Then this wouldn't be happening and the mother would find a better solution.

That’s what I should’ve done. Maybe if she contacts me again. But I’d rather not say anything at all to her the next time.

I shouldn’t even gave her my number. I screwed that up. Weird how I don’t go searching for info but when it’s dangled in front of me I bite.

You should dlete and block your ex and ALL her people after a breakup. Then this wouldn't be happening and the mother would find a better solution.

Agreed and will do. I shouldn’t of said anything at all. Drama is all I caused from this probably. I didnt block her family because I thought why in the heck would they ever contact me. My ex is blocked tho so that’s all good.

All the info I gave I got from my ex while we where dating. She told me all this stuff. I also told her mother that my ex said he changed. I gave her my opinion. Tbh I wish she wouldn’t called me I don’t really want to be involved with it. The relationship is dead regardless I gave it up.

 

Made me feel bad because I still care.

How do you know so much about your ex's current boyfriend? Why would your ex tell you all that?

But as the others say back off and don't be involved. You won't be helping anyone. This is a case for her mother and for professionals.

How do you know so much about your ex's current boyfriend? Why would your ex tell you all that?

 

But as the others say back off and don't be involved. You won't be helping anyone. This is a case for her mother and for professionals.

My ex and him where friends during our 3 year relationship it didn’t bother me. He had major issues me and her would talk about. He dated one of her friends and it was very toxic he was very toxic. It never occurred to me that she was interested in him. It’s weird all the negative stuff she told me about him didn’t matter anymore. Oh well.

Oh well.

This.

Easier said than done, of course.

My theory, for what it's worth, is that sometimes we're drawn to dark people when we're in a dark place. And sometimes—well, at least in my experience, especially when I was around your age—we need to wade into some darkness, get lost for a bit, get beat up a bit, in order to find our own light.

You've seen some darkness, I know, much of it (like me) out of your control. Childhood stuff that rears its head in adulthood. Can't choose our parents, can't control how they treat us, and so on. And you're working through that—with plenty of grace and introspection, it's clear. That's your own light coming through, and it's precious.

And it can make it really, really hard not to want to step in when we see others in the dark. Instead of saying "Oh well" we say "What can we do?" And even: "Did I somehow do this?"

But, really, we can't do anything and "Oh well," simple as those words are, is really the only path in a situation like this. It's the way we keep our own light from dimming, how we teach ourselves to stop finding false comfort in darkness—seeking it ourselves, seeking others who are drawn to it as opposed to seeking those who allow us to shine brighter.

So, again, wish her well in your head and heart (your light) and let her walk whatever path she needs while doing the same for yourself (protecting that light).