gf is sending flirty/ sexual messages to co-worker

So yesterday my gf was being suspicious, turning her phone over when I was next to her, not opening texts when it went off and I was near etc.

Bit of relationship context: we’ve lived together for 8 months now (3rd anniversary is in May) and life in the bedroom has slowed right down, we’ve talked about it before, ive made an effort with her but it appears her drive has just gone. I feel like her desire for sex just disappeard but I’m not the kind of person to pressure someone into something, I’ve tried flirting and going on dates and putting more effort into that but it rarely works. I know sometimes sex is affected by other parts of a relationship so ive put more effort into those becasue i know theres nothing more unatrractive than a partner who seems like they only want sex.

I got suspicious and went on her phone when she was in the shower, I felt rude but I wanted to know what she was hiding. I expected a message to a mate complaining about me but no…just a guy from work that she has mentioned fancies her the other day. When she told me that I wasn’t too bothered, I take it as a compliment.

But the messages were very flirty with her encouraging him to say what he fantasised doing to her in the back room at work – ripping her jeans off. She said she fantacised too when she was bored and couldn’t sleep, but then said she was joking. There were loads of sexual references, she said how nice and squishy her bum was and some other stuff I can’t remeber fully, but at the end she said oh I’m just messin ;). even if she was only messing around, this is not just a comment here and there, its messaging in a room next door to where im sat.

I looked on fb because i didn’t give a about personal space anymore and she told someome else at work what he said about his fantasy and that she just laughed at it... bollocks. She also sent a topless pic he sent her to another mate on fb saying how he makes her fanny flutter.

I feel betrayed since she manages to feel sexual about other people but not me, why is she lying about it, and if she just doesn’t feel it in that way then why is she still with me? Surely that would be just for her?

She has always said that If anyone cheated on her she’d be absolutely fuming. I know this isn’t physical cheating but it feels like it. I'm not peddling the nice guys finished last e, i just wondered if anyone had been on either end of this and would care to help a brother out.

Has anyone else been in this situation before/ got any advice?

Do I be a snake and leave it for a few days and keep checking? But even if she stops I still feel embarrassed that her mates know what’s going on and think I’m none the wiser.

Matt, she is cheating and I know you know that. It doesn't have to be physical, it's emotional cheating.

She is basically allowing herself to get close to another man emotionally, and talk with him in an intimate sort of way when she already has a partner.

That is cheating.

She is using all sorts of excuses as to why she doesn't want sex with you, but it comes down to not being interested.

If she was no longer attracted to you and if she started looking around at this other man, she should have had the guts to be a woman about it and end things with you before being a slimeball and checking out other men, nevermind texting like this.

None of it is okay, and no, none of it is a joke. She is playing with fire and she knows it, the sad part is, she doesn't care. She's being very selfish and disrespectful to you.

You should confront her about it. No doubt she will try to play the victim making it all about you looking at her phone. But you felt something was wrong and low and behold you found out what it was.

She is a sneak and a cheater. I would dump her and not look back.

This might not be physical cheating, but it's cheating anyway. She probably wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. This is plain disrespect for you and your relationship and lack of boundaries. You don't need to wait around and spy more.

You're trying hard to make the relationship better and she instead of also trying and putting effort or end the relationship if she thinks is not working, is sexting a co-worker. I don't know if I'd be able to be with a person like that.

When and if you confront her be ready for lots of gaslighting or her trying to blame it on you, specially trying to change the subject to you not respecting her privacy.

Any way, this to me is cheating.

Sorry to hear this. There are a bunch of interrelated problems. The lack of intimacy, the inappropriate sexting and recently moving in together. You have to ask her directly what the heck is going on (since you have all the evidence) and not just collect intel and snoop.

This all needs to come out in the open. The lack of intimacy, the sexting etc. before you continue living together. The cards need to be on the table because obviously she isn't having libido problems and is sexting a coworker.

I would recommend asking her to move out at least until she gets her act together in terms of putting her sexual energy into the relationship rather than tawdry sexts and posts. This is a make it or break it deal.

we’ve lived together for 8 months. I feel like her desire for sex just disappeard.

 

her encouraging him to say what he fantasised doing to her in the back room at work – ripping her jeans off.

She also sent a topless pic he sent her to another mate on fb saying how he makes her fanny flutter.

Dude, she is cheating on you!

Time to end things.

I would assume what you want in a lifetime partner is someone who shares your relationship boundaries, someone who makes the relationship a priority, and someone who works through problems to make the relationship the best it can be.

She never communicated to you that you need to change any behavior to make her want to be regularly intimate with you again. And when you made improvements anyway, it didn't help. It means the problem lies with her pouring emotional energy into another man instead of you. She's found a shiny new toy and doesn't even care that it's harming your relationship. It's so easy to lock a phone nowadays. I find it strange she didn't do that, so maybe she doesn't care that you found out.

It's harder to break up with someone you live with, therefore she's probably getting to the point of no return before she commits to the great upheaval in her life.

Yes, you can tell her that you're unwilling to live your life without regular sex and with someone who crosses boundaries and see if she changes her behavior to save the relationship, but you will have to wonder if those are her poor ethics which will remain intact, and perhaps she will be bitter that you snooped on her phone. And will you feel the need to do more checking on her phone to see if she has stopped this behavior after she says she won't?

It's up to you if you want to give her another chance, if she even wants to try without breaking up. There's no doubt, however, that you bring up what you know, no matter how awkward it is. Good luck.

I vote you break up, man. By continuing, you are accepting this standard of treatment, which is disrespectful and negligent at best and (pre-)cheating at worst. You define your boundaries by what you are willing to accept. To me, this would be a deal-breaker.

I vote you break up, man. By continuing, you are accepting this standard of treatment, which is disrespectful and negligent at best and (pre-)cheating at worst. You define your boundaries by what you are willing to accept. To me, this would be a deal-breaker.

She is cheating: emotionally

She is cheating: emotionally

Do I be a snake and leave it for a few days and keep checking? But even if she stops I still feel embarrassed that her mates know what’s going on and think I’m none the wiser.

It doesn't matter what others think, it's not about them, and the damage is already done. Either way, sweeping this under the rug would likely result in giving her a free pass to carry on this charade.

It's your call, but unfortunately this is a case of "what you see, is what you get." JMO...

For me, this is cheating and it would be game over.

The thing about people who do this sort of thing is that it isn't about their SO or their relationship. They do it for kicks. Literally because they can. It has absolutely nothing to do with their happiness within the relationship. In fact I read some research and they found that something like over 85% of cheaters are actually 100% happy with their spouse or partner and have zero intentions to leave them. They cheat just because they can. It's more about the thrill of it in and of itself. It's also why once a cheater always a cheater tends to stand true. It's about the cheater and their inner make up, not outside factors and not the bs they feed to others, like the classic "my relationship has been dead for ages".

Basically she doesn't leave you because this isn't about you. That said, I'm sure you don't enjoy being humiliated like that. Ultimately you have to make a decision - now that you know who she is, are you willing to turn a blind eye and tolerate it, or would you rather get out and find a decent woman who doesn't cheat.

She's sending nudes to men she works with. Please hitch up your self-respect and dump her. How can you ever believe she's not meeting him in the back room at work... if not now then eventually. She is shameless and not someone that you should be considering as a lifetime partner. Get away from her before she becomes pregnant (by accident or on purpose) and you're tied to her for life even if you're not together as partners.

For me, this is cheating and it would be game over.

 

The thing about people who do this sort of thing is that it isn't about their SO or their relationship. They do it for kicks. Literally because they can. It has absolutely nothing to do with their happiness within the relationship. In fact I read some research and they found that something like over 85% of cheaters are actually 100% happy with their spouse or partner and have zero intentions to leave them. They cheat just because they can. It's more about the thrill of it in and of itself. It's also why once a cheater always a cheater tends to stand true. It's about the cheater and their inner make up, not outside factors and not the bs they feed to others, like the classic "my relationship has been dead for ages".

 

Basically she doesn't leave you because this isn't about you. That said, I'm sure you don't enjoy being humiliated like that. Ultimately you have to make a decision - now that you know who she is, are you willing to turn a blind eye and tolerate it, or would you rather get out and find a decent woman who doesn't cheat.

I totally agree. This is also about poor ethics and lack of respect.

There is this common idea, specially when the woman is the cheater, but it goes both ways, that it's on the cheated person to change, to be more attractive, to give more attention to the cheater, to go to counceling to improve the relationship, to try and spice up the relationship by dating more and having more sex but I never agreed with that line of thinking many couple therapists seem to support. Sure those things are important, but cheating is about the cheater, it's about their choice and their lack of ethics. It's not on a cheated person to try to be a better partner to prevent a cheater from cheating. It doesn't work that way nor is that healthy. It also takes away the full responsibility from the cheater and prevents him/her from facing the consequences of their actions and possibly be better. And if a cheater doesn't take responsibility for their actions and try to come up with the "I did it because you didn't give me enough attention/communicated well/insert other typical justification cheaters like to use", they'll never change and turn into people worth of being trusted.

I'd confront her and at least ask her to move out. Specially if she tries to gaslight you with "you didn't respect my privacy, I'm the victim here!". Also, she seems like a very immature and careless person because she's risking her reputation at work. This is not someone to share a life together.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! My best advice to you is to end the relationship. What she is doing is cheating. The fact that your sex life is lacking yet she finds time to flirt and be suggestive with others is a bad sign. I think you deserve a women who is interested in you and only you! A loyal partner would be shutting down any advances never mind entertaining it. You sound like a sensible man whose made efforts to improve things. She clearly has her mind elsewhere... Again I am terrible sorry but I do hope you find happiness with someone more worthy of the love you have. :)

Think of it this way it could be much worst your only 3 years in and don't have children together I'm assuming etc so now is a good time to cut your losses with this women.