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Thread: gf is sending flirty/ sexual messages to co-worker

  1. #1

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    gf is sending flirty/ sexual messages to co-worker

    So yesterday my gf was being suspicious, turning her phone over when I was next to her, not opening texts when it went off and I was near etc.
    Bit of relationship context: weve lived together for 8 months now (3rd anniversary is in May) and life in the bedroom has slowed right down, weve talked about it before, ive made an effort with her but it appears her drive has just gone. I feel like her desire for sex just disappeard but Im not the kind of person to pressure someone into something, Ive tried flirting and going on dates and putting more effort into that but it rarely works. I know sometimes sex is affected by other parts of a relationship so ive put more effort into those becasue i know theres nothing more unatrractive than a partner who seems like they only want sex.

    I got suspicious and went on her phone when she was in the shower, I felt rude but I wanted to know what she was hiding. I expected a message to a mate complaining about me but nojust a guy from work that she has mentioned fancies her the other day. When she told me that I wasnt too bothered, I take it as a compliment.
    But the messages were very flirty with her encouraging him to say what he fantasised doing to her in the back room at work ripping her jeans off. She said she fantacised too when she was bored and couldnt sleep, but then said she was joking. There were loads of sexual references, she said how nice and squishy her bum was and some other stuff I cant remeber fully, but at the end she said oh Im just messin ;). even if she was only messing around, this is not just a comment here and there, its messaging in a room next door to where im sat.
    I looked on fb because i didnt give a about personal space anymore and she told someome else at work what he said about his fantasy and that she just laughed at it... bollocks. She also sent a topless pic he sent her to another mate on fb saying how he makes her fanny flutter.
    I feel betrayed since she manages to feel sexual about other people but not me, why is she lying about it, and if she just doesnt feel it in that way then why is she still with me? Surely that would be just for her?
    She has always said that If anyone cheated on her shed be absolutely fuming. I know this isnt physical cheating but it feels like it. I'm not peddling the nice guys finished last e, i just wondered if anyone had been on either end of this and would care to help a brother out.

    Has anyone else been in this situation before/ got any advice?

    Do I be a snake and leave it for a few days and keep checking? But even if she stops I still feel embarrassed that her mates know whats going on and think Im none the wiser.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Matt, she is cheating and I know you know that. It doesn't have to be physical, it's emotional cheating.
    She is basically allowing herself to get close to another man emotionally, and talk with him in an intimate sort of way when she already has a partner.

    That is cheating.

    She is using all sorts of excuses as to why she doesn't want sex with you, but it comes down to not being interested.
    If she was no longer attracted to you and if she started looking around at this other man, she should have had the guts to be a woman about it and end things with you before being a slimeball and checking out other men, nevermind texting like this.

    None of it is okay, and no, none of it is a joke. She is playing with fire and she knows it, the sad part is, she doesn't care. She's being very selfish and disrespectful to you.

    You should confront her about it. No doubt she will try to play the victim making it all about you looking at her phone. But you felt something was wrong and low and behold you found out what it was.

    She is a sneak and a cheater. I would dump her and not look back.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    This might not be physical cheating, but it's cheating anyway. She probably wouldn't like it if the tables were turned. This is plain disrespect for you and your relationship and lack of boundaries. You don't need to wait around and spy more.

    You're trying hard to make the relationship better and she instead of also trying and putting effort or end the relationship if she thinks is not working, is sexting a co-worker. I don't know if I'd be able to be with a person like that.

    When and if you confront her be ready for lots of gaslighting or her trying to blame it on you, specially trying to change the subject to you not respecting her privacy.

    Any way, this to me is cheating.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. There are a bunch of interrelated problems. The lack of intimacy, the inappropriate sexting and recently moving in together. You have to ask her directly what the heck is going on (since you have all the evidence) and not just collect intel and snoop.

    This all needs to come out in the open. The lack of intimacy, the sexting etc. before you continue living together. The cards need to be on the table because obviously she isn't having libido problems and is sexting a coworker.

    I would recommend asking her to move out at least until she gets her act together in terms of putting her sexual energy into the relationship rather than tawdry sexts and posts. This is a make it or break it deal.
    Originally Posted by MattN
    weve lived together for 8 months. I feel like her desire for sex just disappeard.

    her encouraging him to say what he fantasised doing to her in the back room at work ripping her jeans off.
    She also sent a topless pic he sent her to another mate on fb saying how he makes her fanny flutter.

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  6. #5
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    Dude, she is cheating on you!

    Time to end things.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I would assume what you want in a lifetime partner is someone who shares your relationship boundaries, someone who makes the relationship a priority, and someone who works through problems to make the relationship the best it can be.

    She never communicated to you that you need to change any behavior to make her want to be regularly intimate with you again. And when you made improvements anyway, it didn't help. It means the problem lies with her pouring emotional energy into another man instead of you. She's found a shiny new toy and doesn't even care that it's harming your relationship. It's so easy to lock a phone nowadays. I find it strange she didn't do that, so maybe she doesn't care that you found out.

    It's harder to break up with someone you live with, therefore she's probably getting to the point of no return before she commits to the great upheaval in her life.

    Yes, you can tell her that you're unwilling to live your life without regular sex and with someone who crosses boundaries and see if she changes her behavior to save the relationship, but you will have to wonder if those are her poor ethics which will remain intact, and perhaps she will be bitter that you snooped on her phone. And will you feel the need to do more checking on her phone to see if she has stopped this behavior after she says she won't?

    It's up to you if you want to give her another chance, if she even wants to try without breaking up. There's no doubt, however, that you bring up what you know, no matter how awkward it is. Good luck.

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    I vote you break up, man. By continuing, you are accepting this standard of treatment, which is disrespectful and negligent at best and (pre-)cheating at worst. You define your boundaries by what you are willing to accept. To me, this would be a deal-breaker.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Pleasedonot5
    I vote you break up, man. By continuing, you are accepting this standard of treatment, which is disrespectful and negligent at best and (pre-)cheating at worst. You define your boundaries by what you are willing to accept. To me, this would be a deal-breaker.
    She is cheating: emotionally

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    She is cheating: emotionally
    You say tomato I say tomato

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Do I be a snake and leave it for a few days and keep checking? But even if she stops I still feel embarrassed that her mates know whats going on and think Im none the wiser.
    It doesn't matter what others think, it's not about them, and the damage is already done. Either way, sweeping this under the rug would likely result in giving her a free pass to carry on this charade.

    It's your call, but unfortunately this is a case of "what you see, is what you get." JMO...

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